So I got alternate for a part on Friday, and in the end it turns out they didn't need me at all. So in the hallway, I decided to write this one-shot rom-com.
Because why not?
Anyways, this is my first time doing something like this, so let me know what you think. I'll try to respond to you ASAP. Otherwise, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my crappy fanfiction. There are spoilers for F-Zero, Metriod, Mother, and a whole other bunch of things yet to be added. You have been warned ahead of time.
Since this was mentioned by a reviewer, be warned of talking Pokémon. If you've ever seen the Universal Translator from Star Trek, imagine it like that.
I do not own the name Bart Lemming or the name The Falcon House because Nintendo would be screwed. You're welcome.
Chapter 1: Enter Bart
It was a normal day for Bart Lemming. Quite frankly, his business couldn't have been doing better. The Falcon House, one of Smash City's many coffee houses, was doing exceeding well. Customers were coming and going, enjoying a quick cup of coffee and perhaps a chat with the kind and eccentric owner if they had the chance. Most noticed his particular quirks, but no one ever questioned the mysterious chef.
Of course, they probably knew him better by his other name: Captain Falcon.
For some reason or another, no one had made that connection yet. Even the racer could have figured that out with the amount of time everyone else had. Well, that was part of his job anyways as a bounty hunter, but come on! Douglas Jay Falcon. Falcon. The Falcon House. The F-Zero racer just guessed that most were unaware of Bart's abnormal amount of muscle, which he kept hidden underneath his brown leather jacket, or maybe they didn't notice the occasional "Falcon" slip he would do. They could continue being blind like usual for all he cared, just as long as he could keep his other identity a secret.
He never had to worry about that until today.
It was just after the rush hour on the last day of Captain Falcon's Christmas break, and so far business had been slow. It was mainly because Smash City was vacant of the usual customers, for most everyone Bart knew had family elsewhere. He and Mr. Game and Watch (Mr. Game and Watch apparently hadn't made the connection either, which once again, was fine by the captain) were preparing for the slow dinner hours, preparing toasted sandwiches and his famous homemade chips. At this point, Mr. Game and Watch was finishing everything else, so Bart decided to wipe the countertop off.
"Mr. G, are you done yet?" Bart lazily yelled back as he wet his rag.
"Nearly!" The Flatlander responded. "By the way, I invited some of my friends over to eat tonight. I hope you don't mind."
"That's fine with me." The entrepreneur was half-paying attention. "Who did you invite?"
Ring!
The door swung open as Jigglypuff and Kirby entered the establishment. The pink Pokèmon was wearing a small flower in her hair and a tiny purse around her shoulder (in reality, it was a tiny handbag with string taped to the ends of it). Bart could tell that she was irritated from her movements; she was constantly tapping her foot and checking the time on her watch. Kirby stood awkwardly besides her, looking nervous. A twing of regret was plastered on his face, but from what Bart could not tell.
"This is the place you take me out to?" Jigglypuff frowned, looking around at the modest restaurant. "A coffee house?"
"Mr. Game and Watch recommended it." said Kirby nervously, looking down at a sheet of paper. "Yep, this is the place. He said they get your meals five minutes or less or you eat free for a month! How about that?!"
"Hmph!" Jigglypuff rolled her eyes. "You mean the 2-D blunder? Isn't he the one who keeps putting black specks in my food?"
"That's pepper, and you put that in your food." Kirby reluctantly reminded her. "Look, if you don't want to eat here... "
"No no," Jigglypuff crossed her arms and turned away from the pink puffball, "I said you could choose. Let's see what a mistake you've made this time."
Bart immediately ducked behind the counter. "Crap..." He mumbled to himself, "Of course Mr. Game and Watch invites the two biggest eaters over to eat. Why wouldn't he? Ugh. Kirby must have screwed up badly if Jigglypuff actually managed to cross her little stubby arms. Let's just hope they don't recognize me..."
"Hey!" Jigglypuff started slamming hard on the front bell. "Where's the desk jockey? HEY!"
Swallowing all of his regrets, Bart stood up. "Hello!" he greeted casually, "Welcome to The Falcon House. I'm Bart Lemming, how may I take your order?"
"... Did you just appear from underneath that desk?" deadpanned Kirby, staring suspiciously at the human.
"Umm... Dropped my pen, that's all!" Falcon smiled, scratching the back of his head. "What would you and your lady like?"
Kirby took a step back, eyeing the menu with a hungry and lustful eye. "I'll have the—"
"We'll have ten orders of the Garden Salad and two coffees each please." Jigglypuff interrupted. Kirby was about to protest, but Jigglypuff started dragging him towards their table before he could even say a word.
"Umm... Okay." Bart frowned. "You do realize you pay up here and we give you food at the table, right?"
"What kind of restaurant is this?" Jigglypuff scowled, opening her purse and walking back up towards the front.
"... It's a coffee house, ma'am." Bart sighed, taking her credit card. "Haven't you ever been to, I dunno, Starbucks?"
"They have deers in space?" Jigglypuff gasped.
"... Never mind. Here's your reciept, ma'am." Bart handed her the paper. "Anything else?"
Kirby was about to add something from his seat, but Jigglypuff only said, "That's all, thanks." With that, she headed towards their table.
"Hmm..." Bart started brewing their coffees. Jigglypuff was definitely acting different. The couple were two peas in a pod, and their love for each other was almost matched by their love of food. Thai, Italian, French, American... Anything you put in front of them they would eat. Kirby and Jigglypuff were probably the Mansion's most well known couple. They had been going out since Brawl, and from what Falcon had heard they couldn't be happier. Or maybe they could, as Bart watched Jigglypuff chew out Kirby's nonexistent ears. Something was definitely off with the two.
"Kirby told me they were having relationship problems recently." said Mr. Game and Watch as he approached his employer. "I thought if they went out on a date it might help, but it looks like it's not."
"Holy crap you scared me! " snapped Bart, turning around. "Don't do that again!"
"... I've been here the whole time." frowned Mr. Game and Watch. "Their garden salads are ready, by the way."
"Great, thanks." Grabbing as many as he could, he cautiously approached their table.
"... and worst of all, when's the last time you bothered listening to me?!" snapped Jigglypuff at Kirby. The hero of Popstar looked bored, staring out the window.
"Here you go." Bart said, sliding over their meals. "I'll go back and get the rest."
"About time." Jigglypuff growled, grabbing her fork and angrily stabbing her plate. "I thought this place had a reputation for being fast."
"... That was like, a perfect thirty seconds."
"Humph. Thought it would be faster."
Kirby shot a sympathetic glance at the waiter. "Thank you sir."
Bart returned the glance before heading back. "She's some work." He grumbled as he retrieved the remaining plates and the coffees.
"Yeah." Mr. Game and Watch shook his head, although his three-frame body made it look more like a head turn. "I have no idea what he sees in her. "
"Ditto." Bart heaved the last of the plates and marched back over. Clearing his throat, he said, "And the rest of your meal."
"Excuse me, waiter," Jigglypuff pointed down at her food, "this salad's cold."
Bart could only stare at her in pure confusion. "They're supposed to be cold, ma'am." He deadpanned. "It's a salad."
"It also's moist."
"... Ma'am, it's supposed to be moist; it's drenched in Falcon Ran– er, ranch."
"Why the heck do people even eat salads then?!" Jigglypuff complained, throwing down her fork in disgust. "Next time I see Wii Fit Trainer I'm going to throw this green thing in his face! "
"That's called lettuce." Kirby said calmy, although he looked just as frustrated as her.
"I know that! Don't tell me how to pronounce things!" She snapped, throwing her napkin on the table. "Excuse me!" With that, she left for the bathroom.
"That's not what a pronunciation— and she's gone." Kirby sighed, slumping down in his chair. Looking at Bart, he sighed, "Sorry that she's acting like this. She's usually not this... what's the word..."
"Dumb?" nodded Bart, pulling up a chair.
Kirby shot him a look of annoyance. "I was going to say irritating."
"Er, right, Freudian slip." Bart scratched the back of his head.
"... Sure." Kirby took a sip of his coffee. "You know, stranger, I've never have loved a girl like Jigglypuff. But lately, she's been... I don't know. She keeps rolling her eyes at me and insulting whatever I do for her. You know I got her an emerald bracelet for Christmas, and she didn't even take a second look at it. I'm talking about those expensive real Chaos Emerald replicas, not those plastic ones you get at Smash Mart. Wanna know what she told me? She said that it wasn't worth the coins I spent on it. Seriously! I spent my year's pay on that thing and she didn't even care! She's starting to really get me down... At this point I'm just ignoring her."
The bounty hunter started feeling sorry for the poor little guy. After all, Captain Falcon hated to see a fellow Smasher sad, especially after Dr. Mario's little episode. As one of the Mansion's leading ladies men, he decided that he, of course, would be the perfect man to help Kirby out with his little relationship problem.
"Look," Bart stared directly at the pink puffball, "I know a thing or two about dating women, so I figure why not give you some advice." Kirby looked up, his eyes shining. "This is what you gotta do. Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means that whatever's troubling you should be left to you and you alone. Get me out of this!' Got that?"
"I'm not sure that's the right approach." Kirby frowned, squinting at the waiter. "Aren't you supposed to be supportive in your relationship? "
"Pfft, supportive." Bart waved his hand as if it wasn't even a word. "Look, I've been in twenty-five relationships. How many have you been in, huh?"
"One, but I'm not so sure that the more relationship you've been in is a good indicator."
Bart looked taken aback, as if Kirby had slapped him square in the face. "Whatdaya mean by that?"
"I mean that if your relationship has lasted longer, then that shows your expertise. If you have more relationships, doesn't that mean you have more breakups as well?"
The bounty hunter just stared with his mouth agaped, not sure what to think about Kirby's claim. "Well... Uh... Hey, you asked for my advice in the first place!"
"No I didn't." Kirby frowned. "You just sat down and started talking."
Bart was going to say something else, but all of a sudden the bathroom door opened. "Crap, gotta run!" With that, the peculiar entrepreneur ran back to his post, keeping one ear trained on their conversation.
"Hmph!" Jigglypuff grunted as she sat down. "The bathrooms are atrocious! What kind of restaurant is this? You made a terrible decision, Kirby."
"Umm..." Kirby looked nervously over at Bart. The cook only gave a thumbs up and a wink before returning to wipe down the rest of the counter.
"Quit leaving your mouth open, Kirby." Jigglypuff snapped, taking a bite of her food. "Dear Arceus, this is disgusting."
"Umm... Jigglypuff." Kirby looked back and forth between Bart and his girlfriend. "Umm... Honey, I'm a grown man... And uh..." Bart nodded encouragely. "And... What that means is that... Umm... What ever is troubling you shouldn't be... Umm..."
"Spit it out already!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're the worst kind of—"
"QUIT BEING A JERK!" Kirby suddenly yelled. The room fell silent, the only sound permeating the fragile balance was the clock ticking on Falcon's wall. Finally, Kirby stood up.
"Excuse me." With that, Kirby ran to the bathroom with freshly formed tears in his eyes.
Bart felt horrible. Sure, maybe his advice wasn't the best (although he immediately dismissed that idea after thinking it), but somehow the bounty hunter felt like this was his fault. Kirby had seemed to make the situation only worse, for Jigglypuff was sobbing her heart out on the table. Mustering his courage, Bart walked over to their table.
"Hey, look," said Bart casually, pulling up his chair, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, partly because you guys are the only ones in here. What's wrong, ma'am?"
"It's... It's nothing." She wept, wiping a tear away from her eye. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"Well... I'm a Smasher, as you probably know," Jigglypuff began, trying to calm down, "and I've had my fair share of fights. But... There's this one guy named Captain Falcon, you see," She didn't notice Bart freeze in place, "and he's an absolute jerk. After a battle one day, he... He called me fat!"
Unfortunately, the F-Zero racer recalled that day. It was late at night, and Falcon wasn't having the best of luck that day, not to mention he was exhausted after chasing a bounty the other night. Sure, Falcon may have gotten angry when the golden hammer happened to fall next to her, and sure, he may have cussed her out afterwards and called her a few "names," but it couldn't have been that bad... Could it?
"After that, I've been on a diet," Jigglypuff explained, "trying some healthy alternatives like this gross green stuff. I even hired the male Wii Fit Trainer to help me work out! I'm going through a lot of things lately, but I guess I've been forcing it on Kirby too..." She sighed. "I've been trying to turn my life around, but Kirby... Every time we go out, he orders some huge delicious feast I can't eat and I lose my temper. I guess I haven't really been thinking about him in this process..." She started sobbing again. "I'm probably the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends!"
Bart flinched. Now it was for sure his fault for all of this. Maybe he should've kept his big mouth closed for once. Jigglypuff was obviously scarred, and Kirby was feeling the backlash of her rage. It was hard to be supportive, Falcon reflected, when Kirby was constantly reminding her of what she was, although it didn't help that he wasn't paying attention to her.
"Hey, look," Bart leaned forward in his chair, "I can tell that you're stressed. Maybe this 'Falcon' guy isn't so bad. Sure, we slip up every once in a while, but it's not like we do it on purpose. "
"Yeah, sure..." Jigglypuff sniffled, wiping her face with a tissue, "I've screwed up, but poor Kirby had nothing to do with this. I'll just apologize to him when he comes out. Thanks Bart."
"Just holler if you need me." The peculier owner nodded, running back to his post. After a minute, Kirby walked out of the bathroom with red streaks down his pink face. Before he could say anything, Jigglypuff stood up.
"Hey Kirby," Jigglypuff said, looking up at her date. "Look, I've been mean to you lately, and quite frankly I feel awful about the whole thing. I shouldn't be like that to you. I just wanted to lose some weight, and I threw you under the bus with me. Can you forgive me?"
Kirby looked taken aback by her genuine honesty. "Oh Jigglypuff..." He smiled, " You know that doesn't matter to me. I would love you either way. It doesn't matter what you look like, it just matters what you are inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but..."
"Oh Kirby!" Jigglypuff gave him a great big hug; Kirby happily returned it. "I can't believe we've been so mean to each other over something so silly as this."
"Well, it was mainly you, but sure!" smiled Kirby. Jigglypuff immediately frowned and let go of her boyfriend.
"My fault?" deadpanned Jigglypuff, squinting at Kirby.
"Well..." Kirby realized his slip up. "I didn't mean... Well, I though we were..."
"Don't tell me this isn't your fault too!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're just as guilty!"
"How was I supposed to know that you were on a diet?!" said Kirby, trying to defend himself. "There was no indicator, or even a—"
"No indicator?! " Jigglypuff yowled. "Don't give me that! What about…"
Meanwhile, Bart stood at his post, tightly clenching the rag he held. If any of them had bothered to look over at their host, they would've seen the deranged twitch in his eyes or perhaps the red spreading across his face. Finally, when he couldn't take anymore, he yelled, "HEY! LISTEN!"
Both of them froze and turned to look at the owner. "You both are idiots! Kirby, she's going through a lot right now! She needs support, not your indulgence! Jigglypuff, it is your fault because you can't appreciate him! He loves you, a lot! You both love each other a lot! Shut up and love each other already! I would sack everything for a relationship as dedicated and as loving as yours!"
Both looked absolutely astonished at what he just said. The silence was maddening; Falcon's heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard through the silence. Finally, Kirby spoke.
"Bart's right." Kirby nodded slowly. "We're both being selfish. We love each other, right?" He turned to look at his girlfriend. "Sure, we argue a lot. And eat a lot. And argue while eating a lot. But that shouldn't matter because I'm the luckiest guy in the world." He held Jigglypuff's hand. "It may have taken a complete and utter stranger to finally realize that, but I would wait a lifetime if I had to for you."
"Me too!" Jigglypuff happily embraced him again, smiling. "You're right, Kirby. It shouldn't matter what I look like, just as long as you love me." She looked at her salads, practically untouched. "Let's eat some real food, okay?"
"Are you sure?" Kirby asked, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah. Bart, get us five of everything on the menu. Except salads, of course."
Falcon recalled his shop's motto: "Five minutes or less or you eat free for a month!" He immediately flinched.
"That's what I get for opening my big mouth..."
Poor Captain! Although, mind you, it really was his fault in the first place. I bet most of you didn't know that Falcon has another idenity (and underneath that, another identity) or that Bart Lemming owns a coffee shop! Although most of this info is disputed, I decided that I would add this for Falcon just to add depth to his character.
Now a brief aside for a moment. For those who don't know, in the English Dub of the F-Zero anime Bart Lemming is instead referred to as Burt Lemming. I actually grew up on Burt Lemming, but I changed it to Bart because it sounded better. For those wondering, there you go.
So this was my first romance story! Trust me, it was hard to write, but I found it rewarding in the end. For Pete's sake, I've always found Jigglypuff and Kirby to be an awkward couple!
Then why did you write about them, Mr. CD?
... Because shut up, that's why.
Anyways, I hoped you guys enjoyed this. Romance isn't my strong suite, so let me know what I could've done better. Until next time, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a nice day!
