Disclaimer: The Mortal Instrument characters belong to Cassandra Clare; I claim no ownership over the portions of this story belonging to the Shadowhunters TV producers and writers; the rest is all of my own creation
"I don't think I can live without you," Alec told Magnus outside the Hunter's Moon, his face full of conviction, and not a trace of hesitation in his voice. It was not an explanation, a plea, an apology or a peace offering. Neither was the statement offered as part of a transaction, as something one offers hoping to receive something of equal value in return. Rather, the words came out as an offering of love, a gift that, like the omamori charm he gave Magnus after their night in Tokyo, Alec offered freely and unconditionally.
The words seemed to float in the air for a few moments, light and luminescent like white feathers caught in the freeze. Unable to speak and feeling his heartbeat suddenly speeding up, and a surge of energy raising from the center of his chest, Magnus looked into the eyes of the tall and striking looking young man that only months before walked into his life full of innocence and wonder. What he saw in that face and in those eyes surprised him even more. There was not a shred of doubt in Alec's face, not a hint of hesitation or resentment. He simply shook his head as if to emphasize even more the truthfulness of his confession: "I don't think I can live without you."
When Alex had asked him whether they could talk, Magnus had agreed with a simple but nervous 'yeah'. Before following Alec out of the bar, however, he had drained the contents of his glass, hoping that the alcohol burning down his throat would embolden him and calm the energy he felt surging through him every time that Alec was nearby. He had followed Alec out of the bar then, his hands shaking and his breathing shallow. Magnus was afraid: afraid of this conversations that he knew he could not avoid; afraid of the outcome; afraid that the events of the last couple of weeks had caused a damage that couldn't be repaired; afraid of losing this man, the first one to truly pierce through the barriers he had erected around his heart since the death of his mother all those centuries ago.
When Alec stopped a few meters outside the bar, Magnus had readied himself for a long-drawn rehashing of the painful last two weeks. He steeled himself to hear, not only Alec's explanations, apologies and perhaps justifications, but also, Magnus feared, his resentment and recriminations. Deep down, Magnus knew his decision to walk away from Alec had felt like stab in the young man's heart. Magnus had felt betrayed and, hurt, he had wanted to hurt Alec, to make him feel what not being trusted felt like. Now, Alec had asked that they talk and Magnus expected the conversation to be painful, perhaps even more painful than the miserable last couple of weeks in which the memory of Alec had felt like a weight on Magnus' shoulders, a weight that slowed him down and that took all his magic to disguise.
But rather than apologies, justifications or recriminations, Alec had simply turned and, looking at Magnus with the full force of his big brown eyes that tonight looked like deep pools of rich dark honey, had uttered the simple words: "I don't think I can live without you." The words felt like an incantation or a spell, working their magic on Magnus, reaching with invisible tendrils to the deepest corners of his heart, melting the last of his defenses, and demolishing the last remnants of the wall that he had erected around his heart.
In the hundreds of years that he had walked the earth, Magnus thought he had seen and experienced everything; that nothing and no one could surprise him anymore. Yet, since the very first time they met, this young man, now standing in front of him with his own heart in his hands, offering it to Magnus without expecting anything in return, had constantly surprised him. First, it was the painful way in which Alec battled with his own loneliness; his stout loyalty to his family despite the sacrifice that such loyalty required; the battles he waged with himself to hide the truth of who he was from himself and the world; and later, his bravery to publicly declare his identity and his feelings for Magnus. When Magnus had thought that Alec couldn't surprise him anymore, Alec had offered him his innocence and inexperience without excuses or explanations, and then he had putting himself in Magnus' hands without hesitation, allowing Magnus to show him what love is like, not just love between two men, but any love.
Alex's innocence had first surprised and then frightened Magnus. That innocence that Alex had showed him without shame had made Magnus reconsider his original onward flirtatiousness. He had understood the responsibility that came with Alec choosing him to be the one to walk with him the risky path of self-discovery. Magnus's own journey had been so painful and so many people had taken advantage of his own innocence, hurt him in unimaginable ways, that he could not bear ever causing a similar pain to someone with such as open heart as Alec. The young's man innocence and inexperience had softened Magnus' heart and he felt an intense desire to protect him.
Knowing that he would never forgive himself if he ever inflicted on Alec the pain that others had inflicted on him, Magnus had decided to take a step back and slow things down. He had decided to allow Alec to decide the terms of their relationship, giving him the freedom to walk away if he wanted to, and to go only as far as he felt comfortable. Magnus had understood that he needed to be gentle, and let Alec be in the driver's seat of their relationship. Yet, by slowing things down and without knowing it, Magnus had also created the opportunity and time for Alec to make his way into his own heart.
Alec had, once again, surprised him, disarming him with big and small gestures of care and affection: the way in which he cared for Magnus when bad memories kept him awake at night, checked on him when he drained too much of his magic, and looked at him from across the room as if he was the only person there. Alec, with his manly cargo pants and black t-shirts, his tough soldier's exterior, and his protective nature that so strikingly contrasted with his fragile mortality, had turned out to be a caring, warm and gentle man. With every gesture, he had broken through Magnus' tough and glittery exterior and touched the fragile abandoned child he carried within and fought so hard to hide.
Since the very beginning, Magnus had felt each of Alec's gestures as unexpected gifts: the way in which Alec had kissed him, declaring his feeling publicly and for all to see; the way he reached to touch Magnus' hand; the innocent way in which he had told Magnus he was ready to take things to the next level and had then taken him to bed; the sincerity with which he had told Magnus that his warlock mark was beautiful; and, the way he had compensated for his own inexperience by letting Magnus guide him, allowing him to introduce him to the act of lovemaking –for, from the very first time, theirs had been an act of love, not just sex. Before Alec even declared that he loved him, Magnus had felt his love through these big and small gestures which, like stepping stones across a pond, Alec had walked resolutely to get closer and closer to Magnus.
And now with this simply statement –"I don't think I can live without you" –Alec had broken through the last of Magnus' defenses. It was more than a simple "I love you" or "I need you". It was a declaration of a life offered freely and decisively, an oath to put his very life on the line for Magnus.
Magnus struggled to control the temptation to reach across the distance and touch Alec, run his fingers through his hair and down his face because, at that moment, the words –"I don't think I can live without you" –threatened to break the control he always kept on his magic. He could feel the current of magic powers spilling from the center of his chest, and he thought that if he lifted his hands and reached for Alec, sparkles of electricity would shoot from his fingertips. He wondered for a moment whether his eyes had changed from the deep brown of his glamour to the cat yellow green eyes that were the sign of his true condition as a warlock and an old feeling of shame came over him, shame for not being able to control himself, shame for being an abomination.
For centuries, Magnus had fought to tame and subdue the demon in him, and to master his magic forcing it to obey him. He always thought of his demonic blood as a stain that he needed to conceal. Although he had endeavored to use his magic for good, the demon still felt like a dark enemy presence always lurking under the surface of his carefully crafted image, threatening to betray him, fighting with his human side in a never-ending and hopeless battle. Yet at this moment, the two parts of himself –human and demon –were surprisingly more in agreement than ever before in his immortal life. He loved and yearned for Alec with every fiber of his being: the human and the demonic.
"I thought I had to choose between you and the Downworld," Magnus said after a few moments in which he struggled for his own self-control. "But I don't."
It was Alec, once again, who surprised him by crossing the distance between them to kiss him tenderly and passionately, his hands running up Magnus' arms and then resting on his cheek, each touch feeling like a maddening mixture of fire and ice. Magnus tried to master every ounce of self-control so his magic didn't scape him and engulf them in a circle of blue fire and wind, the kiss becoming more intense because of the war Magnus internally waged with himself.
"I am all into parties," Magnus said once they broke their kiss, his voice playful, though he wondered whether Alec could perceive the tension underneath the innocent words. "But, what do you say we get out of here?"
They walked through the quiet and dark streets of New York, talking quietly and casually, their bodies close, but not touching, a field of magic energy building between them. When they finally got to his penthouse, Magnus opened the door with shaky hands, and let Alec in. They were just inside the door, when Alec turned and grabbing Magnus by the lapel of his jacket closed the distance between them. Magnus became lips, then, and Alec tongue, and he explored Magnus with a certainty and passion that left Magnus breathless, dizzy and fighting for control. Alec's strong and muscular body seemed to mold to Magnus' equally strong muscles, both becoming softer and gentler somehow, as they fit together in a harmonious whole.
Moving in unison and almost by instinct, they made their way to the bedroom. There, they became entangled in a sea of red silk as they rediscovered each other's bodies, exploring each other with their fingers, lips and tongues, expressing with each touch and each caress all the desire accumulated in the long and lonely days of absence and longing. They made love slowly and without haste, rejoicing in the way in which they each responded to the touch of the other. There were few words; rather, they let their bodies speak in the ancient language of love and passion, each offering himself to the other unconditionally. If Alec had let Magnus guide him before, this time, he was the one guiding Magnus, slowly enticing him to give himself fully and without reservation to the love they shared.
"You are beautiful," Alec said once again when Magnus' eyes turned into the yellow green eyes of a cat, a sign that revealed that the demon inside him wanted to free itself of the shackles in which Magnus kept it prisoner. Afraid of his own magic, Magnus tried to pull away just enough to regain his self-control, but Alec stopped him with a gentle but certain shake of his head.
"I am not afraid of your magic, warlock," Alec whispered, his forehead touching Magnus'. "I want to be with all of you, see all of you, feel all of you." Alec kissed him again, a deep and passionate kiss that felt like gentle tendrils reaching deep insider Magnus for the demon and inviting it to come out once and for all.
A surge of energy exploded within Magnus when he let go of the last of his self-control and the magic began to spill freely from deep within him reaching towards Alec. The magic engulfed them in a cloud of green, blue, and purple energy that exploded like tiny fireworks around them, sending multicolor shooting stars across the room. Free of his self-imposed constrains, Magnus allowed himself to feel Alec with every part of his body and soul, reaching with his magic towards the very center of Alec's being. Energy began to flow between them like it had that night that Alec had offered his strength to help Magnus heal Luke. This time, however, the magic flowed in both direction, a shared energy that became compounded the more their desire and passion increased.
As they began to build towards a shared climax, Magnus' skin began to glow, his veins becoming like golden luminescent lines and his skin irradiating tiny shocks of electricity that Alec felt in every inch of his being. The flowing magic felt on Alec's skin like the light touches of feathers, cold and warm at the same time. The sensation was all consuming that neither of them seemed to notice the energy engulfing them in a gentle freeze that lifted them almost a foot off the bed, where they remained suspended in time and space, unaware of their defiance of the laws of gravity.
As Magnus run his fingers over Alec's skin, they left luminescent traces of blue, gold and green that became momentarily edged on Alec's skin in beautiful circular lines that briefly obscured his runes. With each touch, Alec felt jolts of magic enter him and mix with his own desire, multiplying the pleasure and increasing his love for this beautiful old soul that had taught him that it was okay to give oneself fully and completely to another. When they could no longer contain all the magic building between them, Alec and Magnus finally let themselves go and something in each of their hearts exploded in the most powerful of torrents, leaving them floating in midair above the bed, untethered to this world, somewhere between heaven and earth, and linked just to one another in an unbreakable bond.
Afterward, it was Magnus who came to his senses first. Aware of the energy still lingering between them and of their defiance of gravity, he made a small gesture with his hand and gently deposited them back on the bed, Alex head resting on the pillow, his eyes closed, and Magnus' head resting in the crook of Alec's arm. With another gesture, he conjured the duvet to cover them.
After a moment, Alec took a deep breath and opened his eyes to look at Magnus. "Forgive me," he said, tears in his eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you and I promise that I will never keep anything from you ever again."
Magnus looked at him with an expression of surprise because, at this moment, he couldn't remember anymore the anger and hurt he had felt.
"You are forgiven," he said and kissed him gently.
They remained silent in their embrace, each in their own thoughts but still aware of the presence of the other. After a while, Magnus felt Alec's breathing slow suggesting that he was asleep. His own body began to relax then, more comfortable and sated than he had ever been before in his very long life.
"I don't think I can live without you either," Magnus whispered as his eyes began to close, and his last memory before sleep finally claimed him was of Alec wrapping his arms even more tightly around him, a sight of deep contentment escaping his lips.
