Disclaimer: I do not have any copyrights. Asides from your mother.
AN: Contains smut; lemon pairings include Gamabunta and the Midget Named Gato. Which was seriously his name.
Chapter One: Hidden Village of Doo
It was a glorious day!
How was it glorious, you might ask?
"Are you- are you s-sure... Naruto-chan?" asked the timid Sasuke.
Naruto and Sasuke were in an intimate embrace underneath the pale moonlight.
"Have you ever danced with the devil underneath the pale moonlight?" Orochimaru wondered aloud. Kabuto glared at him before summoning Manda to devour him whole. Orochimaru collapsed to the ground dramatically, reaching for the moon. When he hit the floor unconscious, his body was engulfed in a pool of... marmalade.
Back to our story!
"Y-yes, Sasuke... be gentle..." Naruto whimpered.
"Okay... here I come!"
"Hah. That was puny," chimed Rock Lee. Ghost Neji smacked the back of his head but both of them fell to the steep abyss where a bed of rocks cushioned their fall. Rock Lee began floating groggily in his ghost form while ghost Neji had a new ghost form. The only really difference is that Neji ended up having a ghoulish tail.
"Seriously? You're running out of ideas?"
Shut up, Neji.
Anyway. While Neji and Rock were chased by Oompa Loompas-
"OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT?"
"Hey, those look like midget-"
"RUN, LEE!"
"THEY'RE MIDGET OOMPA LOOMPAS!" Lee and Neji began sprinting for their lives as the orange rascals kept shouting to build a wall.
As they ran from the Oompa Loompas...
"I have an idea, Lee!" Neji stopped to face their pursuers. He entered a battle stance. "BYAKUGAN!"
"I think I'm following! Autobots! Transform!"
"What?" Before Neji could get a definitive answer, Lee threw a smoke bomb on the ground, causing Neji to get into coughing fits.
"Behold!" Lee stood proudly in his incorporeal glory.
"Oh, God... it can't be..."
"Yes! It's the true Final Gate!" Lee entered the crane stance. "I am Barock Leobama!"
"... really, Lee..." Neji was transformed into Nejoe Hyubiden.
"Now let's end this madness!" Lee (still in his Barock Leobama gimmick) did a triple somersault, lifting into the air magically before spinning around in the darkened skies. All of a sudden, the Sailor Moon theme song came in.
"Fighting evil by the moonlight! Winning votes by daylight! Never taxing in a real fight! He is the one named Barock Leodude!" Sakura (it was actually Choji dressed in Sakura's clothes), Temari (Gaara on crack) and Tsunade (Shino also on crack) were dancing out of synch in the background. Hell, they weren't even facing the duo.
"In the name of the Moon! I will banish you!" Lee threw fart bombs at the rampaging orange midgets, causing them to disperse.
"This is really happening." Neji glared at the three crossdressing shinobi.
Lee descended lithely on the ground, picked up some dirt and threw it in the air.
"What was the point of that?"
"Now that our enemies have been felled," Lee says, ignoring Neji's question. "We can find out who the real culprit is behind this mask!"
Lee and Neji approached the lone midget. It turns out he was using Shadow Clones to go after the two.
"Let's see who's behind that mask!"
"Hey! That's my line, Nejoe!"
"Will you stop calling me that!"
"But I only said it once!"
"He's right, you know." Lee and Neji turned to see Morgan Freeman smiling at the two. Then he entered his spaceship and left off, never to be heard again until the end of this story.
"Never mind that, let's see who's behind this mask." Neji reached out for the Oompa Loompa.
"IT'S FARMER JENKINS!" Lee gasped.
"I didn't even unmask him yet." Neji furrowed his brow but proceeded to unveil him anyway.
"I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Composite Superman scowled at Neji and Lee. I say Composite Superman but it was actually a freak abomination where the worst scientists in the world combined the DNA matrix of Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, Amy Schumer, Michelle Obama, George Bush, George Washington, King George, George of the Jungle, Boy George and the reader's reflection. That's right, it also has a bit of you. Your new name is now George.
Your mother, George.
"Why am I not surprised?" Neji asked no one in particular.
"This is an outrage!" Trump began pounding at his iPhone furiously. "This will be an epic tweet!"
Barack shared it. Neji's phone vibrated.
"Huh? What the..." Neji stared at the tweet Barack shared. "I'm not even following either of these guys! When did I even get... whatever this thing is!"
"Right in the feels, Obama-man!" Lee teared emotionally.
The tweet read: Bros b4 hos.
"This is going to be one long ass adventure." Neji sighed.
RZM stepped into view.
"I'm here to break the fourth wall. Welcome... to Ninja Park!"
Cue Jurassic Park theme song.
I can't be sued. There's a disclaimer.
"N-Naruto! I'm going to- to..." Sasuke moaned.
"Oh, Sasuke! Sasuke! Fill me up some more, Sasuke!"
"OH, SHIT! HERE I COME!"
If you want to know what Naruto and Sasuke are doing, Naruto was eating ramen with Shikamaru and Odin at Zabuza's fancy noodle house whereas Sasuke was beating his meat to Weird Al.
"Sasuke, you should give it a rest," Karin offered as Sasuke beat his meat.
"Not until... the final climax to Eat It!" Sasuke beat his meat even more.
"But you could hurt your hands!" Karin blushed at the indignation of Sasuke beating his meat.
"HERE IT COMES! CHAAA!" Sasuke exploded, giving the final pump before delivering the killing blow in beating his meat. He collapsed to the ground, sweating from his rigorous meat beating.
"Sasuke!" Karin came to him.
"This story is all sorts of fucked up," Suigetsu said to Jugo. Suigetsu narrowed his eyes at him, who was suddenly dressed like Juliet from Lollipop Chainsaw.
"I will... get stronger!" Sasuke declared. He was done beating his meat.
Yes, he was punching a giant block of frozen meat. He works at Karin's butcher shop.
"Wait, then who's..." Neji used his Byakugan to get a closer look at the previous Naruto and Sasuke. "Oh."
They were just two stooges who happened to be named Naruto and Sasuke.
"I hate you." Zabuza glared at Haku.
"Eat up, boys." Haku was waitstaff at Zabuza's Fancy Noodle House (yeah, it was legitimately named that) and every girl was jealous of him because he was consistently ranked number one hottest, smoking, sexiest babe of all time. Haku winked at the newly resurrected Jiraiya whose nosebleed sent him back to the afterlife where there were no babes and no frogs.
"Wait, how come Zabuza is here along with RZM?" Lee asked.
"Wow, you're actually being reasonable for once. I commend you," Neji teased.
"Just answer the question!"
"Oh, I can answer that for you, Lee," RZM appeared behind them. He- and by he, I mean me- and by me, I mean he- and by he-me, I mean hime- looked almost exactly like Zabuza except he had better eyebrows.
"They're on fleek..." Neji noticed. Lee nodded in agreement. RZM smirked and began unwrapping the bandages.
"I knew it would come to this." The Demon of the Mist chuckled mischievously and when his face was revealed...
"No... it can't be..." Neji trembled.
"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Lee fell to his knees.
"OH, BUT IT IS! LET THE REIGN OF TERROR BEGIN! WUAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA!" Hinata roared in laughter, thunder and lightning circumventing the world in her darkness.
But seriously, though, this is not the actual chapter.
Now, ladies and gentlebros!
"Ahem." Tenten coughed.
And apache helicopters!
Tenten smiled.
"Can we please get on with it?" Neji groaned. He and Lee were joined by everyone from the Narutardverse.
"Including the dead ones?" Lee looked hopeful.
Including the dead ones.
"Oh, yeah! Here we go!" Lee pumped his fist enthusiastically.
Brought to you by the PBS-J Foundation and the Discovering Channel, for viewers like you; also funded by the Snoop Frogg, Bustin Jieber, Family Dude, Wetty Fapp and Semi-Legendary Pictures.
"Let's do it!" Sakura shouted.
"I'm up for one more adventure." Sasuke grinned.
"What a drag." Shikamaru facepalms.
"My meal was interrupted for this?!" Choji whined.
"I guess I have more opportunities to make fun of Billboard Brow," Ino mused.
"Well... I guess another one wouldn't hurt." Neji smiled.
"And another one." DJ Call-Ed got shot by Notoriously F.A.T. and Tu-Wang Clan. All of them were obliterated by Himawari who was absentmindedly chasing a butterfly.
"Yeah! The story never ends!" Lee jumped in the air.
"Believe it!" Naruto declared.
"Wait... whose story is this anyway?" Neji asked as everyone cheered in one way or another. Hell, even Minato was in a wet t-shirt contest alongside Kakashi and Orochimaru.
"It's... mine," Hinata shyly states. Neji's eye began to twitch.
How I Met Your Kage
Coming up next!
Chapter One! Hinata vs. The Bluish French Horn!
