The End, or
In which Lost ends


CARLTON: Previously, on LOST…

A whole bunch of CRAZY SHIT happened, and if you AREN'T FAMILIAR with it, you have NO HOPE of UNDERSTANDING this episode and might as well TURN OFF the TV now.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: Pssh. How hard can it be? They crashed on some island, right?

JACOB: Drink this, Jack. Now you're like me. By the way I say this every time I give someone a drink, makes me real popular at parties.

LOCKE MONSTER: So, do I want Desmond dead, or in a well, or wandering about the island? I don't know! I'm like 2000 years old, I'm completely senile!

DESMOND: I know more than everyone else because I'm all electromagnetically special.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we never really understood how that worked.

DARLTON: Us neither. I mean… look, the episode's starting!

The EPISODE BEGINS with images of CHRISTIAN'S COFFIN and various other IMAGES of characters both ON and OFF the ISLAND.

JACK: I'm a DOCTOR!

SAWYER: I'm a COP!

BEN: I'm making TEA!

LOCKE: I'm PARALYZED!

KATE: I'm wearing a TROUBLED FACIAL EXPRESSION!

The COFFIN gets delivered to the CHURCH where the LAMP POST STATION is.

DELIVERY GUY: I have really gross long stringy greasy hair.

DESMOND: I just got a blow out.

KATE: I could use one of those.

DESMOND: I'm going to act all deep and mysterious and smug because I know what's going on and you don't!

KATE: Can we stop at a hair salon?

DESMOND: No. Let's go somewhere mysterious that I can't tell you anything about.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK is standing in some WATER because it looks all DRAMATIC. Kate watches him, looking TROUBLED.

SAWYER: Let's have a conversation so unimportant that it will be used as a so-called sneak peak for the finale.

JACK: Yeah, and then I'll recap the last episode for you guys.

SAWYER: I'll go find Desmond and catch up with y'all.

KATE: Why is everyone suddenly able to track? I'm supposed to be the only one who can track! Remember that one time with the boar?

SAWYER: Yeah. It looked like Alf. Hey, remember that one time Jack told you not to come with us because he was being a little bitch and punishing you for kissing him, then you followed us anyway and got caught because you're a helpless woman and we lost all our guns?

KATE: Oh yeah. Good times.

JACK: Aw, I miss season two. I got to be all manly manly and domineering. I've totally changed now, of course. My hair's longer, for one thing.

HURLEY: I think this scene needs to end with a second Star Wars reference.

LOST

Back in the SIDEWAYS WORLD, HURLEY and SAYID are DRIVING in Hurley's BITCHIN' YELLOW HUMMER.

HURLEY: I get to be all smug and mysterious too because I know what's going on!

SAYID: This is obnoxious.

HURLEY: Hey, remember that one time when you rescued me from the mental institution and killed a guy by throwing him onto knives sticking out of a dishwasher and then got tranqed up and almost died?

SAYID: No.

Hurley goes to CHARLIE'S MOTEL ROOM and GRINS like a MORON.

CHARLIE: Clearly you think my guyliner is sexy, and who can blame you, but I'm not into fat guys. Or fat chicks for that matter.

HURLEY: Oh, Charlie, you have no idea. I'm going to tranq you in the ass.

He DUMPS Charlie in the TRUNK.

SAYID: Now this is starting to seem familiar.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE have a TENSE ROMANTIC MOMENT, which we shall IGNORE.

SAWYER finds LOCKE MONSTER and BEN at the WELL

SAWYER: So Desmond's gone…oh well. Oh well! Get it? 'Cause…we're…at a well?

LOCKE MONSTER: Listen up, Sawyer. This whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing—I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish. I'm going to destroy the island!

SAWYER: What do you want from me, Locke slash The First?

LOCKE MONSTER: Um, nothing, you're the one who found me. And what the hell is The First?

In reply, Sawyer PUNCHES BEN and STEALS his GUN.

BEN: HEY!

LOCKE MONSTER: Oh, come on. You get beaten up all the time, I'm pretty sure you should be used to it.

BEN: True dat.

LOCKE MONSTER: Now we need to find Desmond and use him to destroy the island!

BEN: It's not fa-air. You said I could be in charge after you leave. I'll tell your mom on you.

LOCKE MONSTER: Nah, I totally killed that bitch.

BEN: (grumble grumble) It might be time for me to switch loyalties…again. I need to reach my quota of at least three times per every two episodes!

Elsewhere, we find out that DESMOND has been RESCUED by ISLAND ROSE, ISLAND BERNARD, and ISLAND VINCENT.

BERNARD: Desmundo! Long time! How've you been?

ROSE: Bernard! Stop chatting and go make me a sammich!

BERNARD: Yes dear. Come on Wilson—er, Vincent.

DESMOND: So, Rose, I see you're still bossing everyone around like the ghetto island Oprah you are.

ROSE: Yeah…sorry, Des, but you gots to get gone.

DESMOND: Bitch.

BERNARD: Hey, look who I found!

LOCKE MONSTER: Hi guys! Long time!

ROSE: Gosh, yeah, we haven't seen you since… wow, could it be that time in the jungle in season four when we all split up between you and Jack?

LOCKE MONSTER: That is a long time! And hey, no hard feelings. Girl, how you been?

DESMOND: He isn't really Locke! Don't let him INFECT you!

ROSE: Huh?

DESMOND: Long story. No, wait, it's short. Locke died and this is really the smoke monster, who is very deeply evil.

ROSE: That's just crazy talk, you silly Scottish man. Locke and I have a special bond because the island healed us both!

LOCKE MONSTER: Rose, I'm going to kill you and Bernard if Desmond doesn't come with me right now.

ROSE: Oh. Well then. (pause) Don't go with him, Desmond! It doesn't matter if we die!

DESMOND: I thought you wanted me to GTFO.

ROSE: I did but it was only TTFN.

LOCKE MONSTER: And I'll get your little dog, too!

DESMOND: NO NOT THE DOG!

LOCKE MONSTER: Then let's go!

DESMOND: Okay, just promise me you won't touch that dog.

LOCKE MONSTER: Nope, I certainly won't touch him, ha ha ha.

DESMOND: I am not at all suspicious about the way you phrased that statement.

LOCKE MONSTER, BEN, and DESMOND trek through the JUNGLE.

DESMOND: Even in this reality I know more than I'm supposed to.

LOCKE MONSTER: Yeah, and it's still obnoxious. You know, Desmond, you're alive for one reason, and one reason only. Because I wish it. Do you know why I wish it? Because I'm not done with you.

DESMOND: Yeah yeah. You're just blowing smoke, aren't you, you great bloody windbag. Have you ever considered a cool name? I mean, since you need me to destroy the island and you're basically powerless… How about the Taunter? Strikes fear in the hearts of—

BEN: (beep)

LOCKE MONSTER: What the hell is that?

BEN: (beep) Nothing. My watch. It's a heart monitor. Hey, remember that time in season three when I told Sawyer I was putting a pacemaker in his chest and his heart would explode if his heartrate got too high?

LOCKE MONSTER: That was pretty lame as practical jokes go. Not nearly as awesome as the time I put more and more nickels into Randy's phone until he got used to the weight, then I just…took 'em all out.

Meanwhile, MILES and ALPERT are hanging out at DHARMAVILLE and having a very URGENT CONVERSATION that also coincidentally RECAPS the LAST EPISODE.

MILES: Way to go at confronting the smoke monster dude.

ALPERT: We have to destroy the plane so Locke can't leave!

MILES: Don't get your panties in a twist, man, we'll get it done.

ALPERT: How come we're working together, anyway? Do I even know you?

MILES: You know, I'm not really sure… This is a very complicated show.

In the SIDEWAYS WORLD, SIDEWAYS MILES sees SAYID sitting in Hurley's BITCHIN' YELLOW HUMMER.

MILES: Egad! I must call Sawyer and recap the events which caused Sayid to be arrested all those episodes ago!

SAWYER: Great, now I have to do my job and go protect this Sun person, because Sayid is evil and is obviously out to get her.

MILES: Will you be home for dinner?

SAWYER: No

MILES: (pouts) You never pay attention to me.

Meanwhile, SUN and JIN are in the HOSPITAL, talking ernestly in KOREAN because this is the ONLY LANGUAGE they SPEAK. Surprisingly enough, this conversation also serves to RECAP the events from SEVERAL EPISODES AGO.

JIN: You are pregnant. I hope that the baby is all right after you got shot.

SUN: We are on the run from my father because he doesn't think you are good enough for me.

Suddenly, JULIET enters!

JULIET: Hello, strangers!

SUN: Hello, strange doctor. We do not speak a word of English.

Juliet begins a VERY RELAXING scene in which she does an ULTRASOUND on Sun.

JULIET: I have an awesome bedside manner, much better than Jack's, don't you think?

SUN and JIN suddenly REMEMBER every detail of their LIVES on the ISLAND.

JIN: Dude.

SUN: Remembering your own death is trippy as hell.

JIN: (giggles) Sorry, I just got back the memory of seeing King Ralph.

SUN: Also, we've now remembered how to speak English. Just like that time on the island when I hit my head and randomly forgot how to speak English. Only opposite.

AUDIENCE: Wish we could learn a foreign language that easily.

JULIET: Sorry, this ultrasound experience was not moving enough to make me remember my past life, so I'm just bemused. Goodbye strangers!

Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER somehow CATCHES UP to JACK, KATE, and HURLEY.

SAWYER: Desmond's gone. Couldn't find him.

JACK: Meh, doesn't matter. Locke will bring him where we're going anyway.

SAWYER: Okay…why didn't you tell me that before I went to get him?

JACK: Oh. Heheh. It was just funny.

SAWYER: (rolls eyes) So where are we going anyway, and what's going to happen when we get there?

JACK: I don't have to tell you, because I'm the new Jacob and I know way more than you about everything. So I'll just say something vague and obnoxious that mimics the episode title.

The four of them go TREKKING up the HILLSIDE.

GIACCHINO: ADVENTURE THEME!

MOST OF AUDIENCE: (awash in waves of grief and nostalgia) This may be the last time we ever hear the adventure theme!

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: (oblivious to the power of the adventure theme) We knew all those people who talked about how complicated Lost is were just full of it. This is totally easy. The bald guy wants to destroy the island and escape on some plane, so that Asian guy and the guy with the eyeliner are going to blow it up. The guy who looks like Clay Aiken in twenty years is going to sabotage the bald guy's plans. Jack is an asshole and Sawyer is way hot and there's something weird going on with that Scottish guy. And there's these flashforwards where they all have amnesia or something. And we think there might be a monster somewhere but we haven't seen it.


AN: What up, guys? How about that finale? Check out my profile for a complete review, but overall, I think it was as good as could have been expected. I'm a little iffy on the whole purgatory twist, I really liked the idea of an alternate timeline and I wanted to see how that would've turned out. I guess thematically the purgatory was appropriate, but plotwise it seemed something of a cop-out. Still, Lost has a special place in my heart—and when I love something, I have to make fun of it. Just ask my family and friends!

If you can pinpoint all the Buffy references and quotes in this chapter, you will get a special prize. My friends and I had this thing about comparing the final season of Lost to the final season of Buffy…mostly because of how the smoke monster is like a blatant rip-off of The First. It's really amazing how many similarites you can find if you really try, tho.

There should be four more parts to this parody, I think, and I'd like to say part two will go up in a few days. But this is me, so who really knows, right?

Review if you want, but I'm not going to slash my wrists or anything if you don't.