King of the Hill

A Connie & Luanne Episode

Skip to My Lu My Darling

Written by Mr. Semaj

Prologue

At Arlen First Methodist Church, Luanne is in her dressing room putting the finishing touches on something...

She is sitting at her mirror, as she finishes brushing the donkey's hair. She combs the cat's whiskers, strokes the octopus' tentacles, and dusts off the penguin's hat.

Luanne takes a deep breath...

Luanne: "Showtime!"

Act I

Scene I – Manger Babies at the Smorgasbord

One Sunday afternoon, at Arlen Methodist Church, Luanne entertains the children at Sunday school.

Luanne: "Once upon a time, almost two thousands of years ago, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born.

In a manger.

And in that manger lived the cutest little animals.

This…is their…story."

(singing): "After Jesus left, King Herod came
Demanding first-born sons.
He cast an evil spell on them,
Freezing everyone.
Long ago I bought a Nativity scene
At a yard sale second-hand.
They came to life and then, amen!
I met the Manger Babies!
There's Obadiah the donkey -- he says "Eee-yaa!"
Hosea the cat -- "Meow meow!"
An octopus too -- "Gurgle gurgle!"
And let's not forget a very British bird,
Sir Reginald Featherbottom the Third.
"Charmed, I'm sure, guv'nor."
They are the Manger Babies, getting in trouble,
Manger Babies, spreading God's message of love,
Manger Babies...
MANGER BABIES!"

Audience applauds.

Luanne: "Good afternoon. How is everyone today?"

Audience: "Great!!"

Obadiah: "Hee-haw! How's your day today?"

Hosea: "My day is just meow-velous."

Octopus: "Gurgle-gurgle..."

Sir Reginald: "Such a capital day indeed, ol' chap!"

Luanne: "And do you know why it's a marvelous day?"

Manger Babies: "Why?"

Luanne: "Because it's...SUNDAY!!"

"We go to church, and praise Jesus. Then, when we get home, we have a big, beautiful Sunday dinner!"

Sir Reginald: "I say, what do we have for dinner?"

Obadiah: "How about some fresh bluegrass? Hee-haw!"

Luanne: "Well, I prefer some stuffing, fresh peas, and some delicious cornbread muffins."

Children: "Mmm..."

Luanne takes her bow as she goes on to the next Act.

Luanne: "You know, we usually have our dinners at home after church. But since today is an extra-terrific today, let's all go out to a smorgasbord!"

Manger Babies: "Yay!!"

Obadiah: "What are you guys going to get?"

Hosea: "Meow-don't know. What are you guys going to get?"

Octopus: "Gurgle. Gurgle-gurgle?"

Sir Reginald: "I'm not sure. What are you blokes goin' to eat?"

Luanne: "Why don't we go there and find out?"

By the end of the third act, the Manger Babies have completed their outing at the smorgasbord.

Hosea: "Meow! That meal was wonderful!"

Sir Reginald: "I concur."

Obadiah: "Me three."

Octopus: "Gurgle."

Luanne: "And what have we all learned today?"

Audience: "How we must pray before and after every meal."

Luanne: "That's right!

So remember kids, it is always important to give your attention to Jesus. A few hours of praise on Sunday mornings is all he asks, and he will reward you with a nice, rich dinner. Thank you!"

Audience applauds.

Scene II – Aftershow Admiration

After the show, the audience leaves. A man enters Reverend Stroup's office, as the reverend is about to leave. It's Bill.

Bill: "Good afternoon, ma'am."

Reverend Stroup: "Good afternoon, Bill."

Bill: "I quite enjoyed Luanne's performance today."

Reverend Stroup: "So did I."

Bill: "How about a dinner at Sugarfoot's? My treat."

Reverend Stroup: "Of course, hon."

Reverend Stroup races out the door.

Reverend Stroup: "Last one to the car tips the waiter!"

Bill chases after her as the couple laughs giddily.

In the activities/theatre room, children are standing in line to get Luanne's autograph. Joseph stops by.

Joseph: "Hey, Luanne."

Luanne: "Hey Joseph."

Joseph: "Great show today. How's it going?"

Luanne: "Pretty good. These kids say they want my 'John Hancock', but how can you own someone who's not your child?"

A man steps into the room.

Nate: "Excuse me?"

He walks over to Luanne.

Nate: "I just wanted to give you much kudos to your fledging Manger Babies." (shakes Luanne's hand)

Luanne: "Why thank you. Who are you?"

Nate: "My name is Nate. I was the one who sold you the puppets at a garage sale my roommate and I held nine years ago."

Luanne: "Really?"

Nate: "Sure.

You came with a man and his boy one day in January. You seemed pretty down in the dumps. But once you found the puppets, and your uncle was nice enough to buy them for you, it put a sparkle in your eyes that could make even the strongest men cry.

What kind of human would I be not to sell the puppets to you?"

Luanne: "I don't know. What kind of humans are there?"

Joseph: "But dude, where did you get the puppets from?"

Nate: "They had been in a thrift store since the 70's. I bought them one day to entertain my cousin. But like most children, she outgrew them, and they were no use to us anymore."

Luanne: "Mr. Nate, I can assure you that no one is too old or too young for the Manger Babies. Not as long as there's a ray of hope in this brave new world." (rays shine from the sanctuary window)

Joseph. "Whoa, that's deep."

Scene III – The Big News

The next morning, Luanne leaves for work. Kahn is leaving for work. Minh is watering her front garden. Doggie is playing with a bone.

As Luanne goes to her car, she is stopped by Nancy.

Nancy: "Oh, Sug! Nice to see you!"

Luanne: "Hey, Mrs. Gribble."

Nancy: "Listen, I wanted to tell you how impressed I am with the Manger Babies. It's one of our favorite shows down at Channel 84 News."

Luanne: "Really?"

Nancy: "Yes really, Sug.

The real reason I wanted to see you is to tell you that this is the time of year that we pick nominees among our local programs for the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. We pick only the finest programs and specials that have aired throughout the year."

Luanne: "That's great Mrs. Gribble. But what does that have to do with me?"

Nancy: "Sug, the Manger Babies have been nominated for Best Family Program!"

Luanne shrieks with delight as she jumps and hugs Nancy.

Nancy: "Congradulations, Sug!"

On the front page of the Arlen Bystander, the major headline is in: "Local Children's' Entertainer Snags First Emmy Nomination"

Scene IV – The Picnic

On a warm Saturday, Luanne, accompanied by Connie, Lucky, Joseph, and Bobby, all go out to Arlen Park for a picnic.

Connie (inhales the fresh air): "What a marvelous day for a picnic."

Lucky: "It's a mighty fine day to celebrate, what with Luanne making it big off the Manger Babies."

The gang stops at a hill overviewing a large meadow.

Connie: "Here we are."

After the picnic sheet is set up, everybody is sitting and enjoying their lunch.

Joseph: "Hey Luanne. I got a question."

Luanne: "Yes?"

Joseph: "There was one episode where Hosea had trouble cleaning out her closet, but she had this leftover box of catnip. What was the idea behind that?"

Luanne: "It was from her kitten years. Hosea always took a spoonful of catnip when she was under stress."

Joseph: "For like what?"

Luanne: "Um…"

Maria: "It was an anti-drug message. Kids shouldn't take marijuana, nicotine, or any of that crap."

Bobby: "A lot of celebrities died from drugs; Chris Farley, John Belushi, Paul Lynde..."

Connie: "And Charlie Parker."

Lucky: "Don't they got programs in today's schools to keep kids off drugs?"

Connie: "Yes."

Maria: "But most of the seniors take up smoking before they even graduate. I heard one from 1995 died with a diploma in his hand."

Connie: "The programs have no effect whatsoever. It's sad, really."

Joseph: "So that must explain those asphyxiation stories they've had on 20/20."

Bobby: "Some kids get bored with more conventional drugs, so they turned to self-torture and abusing over-the-counter drugs."

Joseph: "Whoa…that's deep."

Luanne: "Well, that was certainly deeper than I was going for.

The idea was to show how Hosea changed from an undisciplined young kitty into a beautiful queen. Think of it more as a metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly."

A butterfly flies through the air. It flies close to the picnic site, and lands on Luanne's nose.

Maria (whispers): "If we're real quiet, we can catch it."

Luanne sniffles, and the butterfly flies away.

Maria: "There it goes. Let's get it!"

Connie: "Wait up!"

Luanne: "Me too!"

While the girls go out in the meadow, the boys stay on the hill to chat. Bobby starts munching blueberries from a nearby bush.

Lucky: "Look at her." (looks at Luanne)

"That soft gold hair swishing in the breeze. A true inner-child, and I married her. Our baby child is going to be mighty blessed to have her as a mom. It makes my life of semi-retirement truly worth it."

Bobby: "I can only imagine, Lucky. But look at her." (points at Maria)

"So dark, and yet so bright. She's never afraid to take a challenge; it's as if she knows the true meaning of life. Not many girls are like her around here."

Joseph: "Right, but take a look at her." (points to Connie)

"She's smart, sharp, and funny. She can apply to any university she wants to. Heck, she even has the know-how to establish her own university. Best of all…she is one…hot…piece…of ace."

Bobby: "Yeah, I know. Savor every last bit of her while you can, Joseph. Some people in this world are a once in a lifetime opportunity.

People like…Maria."

Joseph: "Connie."

Lucky: "Luanne."

All males sigh.

The females continue playing in the meadow, as they had forgotten about the butterfly. The butterfly flies high in the sky.

Scene V – A Visit from a Critic

The next day, after the show, Luanne and Lucky are on their way to Reverend Stroup's office for an appointment. She is stopped by a child and his mom.

Boy: "Look mom! It's the creator of Manger Babies!"

Mom: "Oh excuse me, miss! Can I get a picture of you with my son? He's a big fan."

Luanne: "Sure."

Luanne poses with a great, cheerful smile with the child.

Mom: "Thank you very much. God bless you!"

Luanne waves goodbye as she and Lucky walk away.

The meeting begins in reverend Stroup's office.

Luanne: "Good afternoon, Reverend Stroup."

Reverend Stroup: "Good afternoon, Luanne."

Luanne: "How are you and Mr. Dauterive doing?"

Reverend Stroup: "Never better, never better.

Luanne, your show Manger Babies is doing extremely well this season!"

Luanne: "Really?"

Reverend Stroup: "Absolutely, hon. Nancy says it's been in the Top 5 column for the past six weeks! You must've really made an impression on the children this past Easter."

Luanne: "I guess so. Though I always thought the Christmas show was the peak of the series."

Reverend Stroup: "And we want the Manger Babies to see many more Christmases. It's time to pay back your loan."

Luanne: "I'm sorry, what loan?"

Reverend Stroup: "The loan I gave you one time for new props and stage refurbishment from when you were behind on your bills."

Luanne: "Oh sorry, Reverend Stroup. I don't have it today."

Lucky: "It's been a tough ride, ma'am. Luanne is about to be a mommy, and we're trying to revise our budget to make room for baby clothes, baby food, some toys, and a crib."

Reverend Stroup: "I understand. But remember, who's the executive producer here?"

Luanne: "You are." (writes out a check and hands it to her)

Reverend Stroup: "Thanks, hon. You'll get your check by Friday."

Just then, a voice comes from the door.

Jamie J. Weinman: "Excuse me, Reverend Stroup. I came for a review on your Manger Babies program."

Luanne (whispers): "Who is that?"

Reverend Stroup (whispers): "I don't know. But he says he's from Canada."

Luanne walks over to greet the critic.

Luanne: "Hello." (shakes hands)

Jamie J. Weinman: "Ms. Platter. I was composing an article for my blog, when I came across the website for Arlen First Methodist Church. Apparently, your marionette show is a big hit among the locals."

Luanne: "It sure is. We get our biggest ratings during the Easter and Christmas seasons."

Reverend Stroup: "And it's nominated for its first local Emmy."

Weinman: "I see. So, I stopped by to see if I can get an exclusive interview with the mastermind behind this fledging franchise."

Luanne (looks around the room): "Who?"

Weinman: "You! My interview, regardless of any given subjectivity, will focus on the aspects of quality television in our modern era.

So, what do you say, Ms. Platter?"

Luanne: "Of course I will."

Lucky: "Mornin', Mr. Critic." (extends hand for a handshake, but gets nothing)

Weinman: "Who the hell are you?"

Scene VI – The Revelation

That afternoon, following the interview, Luanne drives into the driveway at home. Connie is waiting on her front stoop to greet her.

Connie: "Luanne!"

Luanne: "Connie!"

The girls hug.

Connie: "I saw your show today."

Luanne: "Did you like it."

Connie: "As always.

So what happened today?"

Luanne: "I had an interview with a critic. The Manger Babies somehow gained attention outside our own community."

Connie: "That's because you've really got it made, Luanne! The Manger Babies is among the top-rated programs in the local syndicate. The show is a favorite among both kids and adults. And it's nominated for an Emmy!"

Luanne: "Yes, but I'm not doing this for the fame. Television needs more shows that can entertain and educate without one overwhelming the other.

But I agree. It certainly doesn't get any better than this!"

The next morning, the newest Arlen Bystander is delivered to everyone's homes. Boomhauer collects his newspaper from his front step. His latest date drags him back in the house.

Meanwhile, way out in Wichita Falls, a man is strolling in the business district. He collects an issue of Arlen Bystander from a nearby newspaper machine. He reads in the entertainment section about the Manger Babies...

That afternoon, at the Hills' house, the doorbell rings. Luanne answers it.

Luanne: "Hello?"

Man: "Good afternoon, Mrs. Platter. I'm aware that you're the creator of the Manger Babies?"

Luanne: "Yes. Please come in."

The man continues his explanation as he walks in.

Man: "I noticed that you regularly use four puppets for your show, puppets that once belonged to a proprietor by the name of Jacques Q. Patterson, former owner of Patterson Puppets."

Luanne: "But I found them in a garage sale nine years ago. How could know all of this?"

Man: "Mrs. Platter, I am Jacques Patterson."

Luanne gasps.

(end of Act I)