Tip Your Bartender
"At least the seats are soft. Because… this meeting's boring." Link thought.
"Mr. Link are you paying attention?" The D'Haran ruler Darken Rahl asked.
"No. Because you suck." Link replied.
"You will give me the same respect that I have given you, because I'm beautiful." Darken Rahl said while looking at himself in a silver mirror.
"What respect? You sent your big gay guards after me! And you're not beautiful." Link told Darken.
Zelda decided to stop the conversation before it became a battle. "Link, he runs D'Hara. He is a wizard that can perform subtractive magic. And no, that doesn't mean he can solve any math problems and he's beautiful if he thinks he is.…retard." Zelda said.
Link did not want to come to D'Hara. The king of Hyrule had asked him to go and he couldn't bring himself to refuse the old man. He had been irritable because of the long trip. They had to cross the Hyrulean Sea and travel one-hundred miles along the coast to get to D'Hara. They had just arrived that evening.
It was smaller than any of the lands to the west but it was bigger than the old world to the south.
Darken Rahl was a D'Haran. He had blond hair that came down to his shoulders and he always wore white. He looked perfect and he thought that he was beautiful but inside he was a sick and twisted freak.
"Do you except my offer of peace?" Rahl asked.
Link and Zelda stared at each other with puzzled looks for a while. Finally, Zelda broke the awkward silence.
"O.k. …"
Link turned to Zelda and whispered," And you think I say weird things," He looked Darken Rahl in his cruel blue eyes and said, "Dude, what are you talking about? You sat down and you were like, 'Do you except my offer of peace?'. And what guy thinks he's beautiful? Are you trying to look like me? Because I'm pretty. Pansy. I-"
Link was cut off due to a blast from a dark figure. It was Ganondorf dressed in his usual outfit. Brown boots, pants, and a brown shirt. His hair was short, deep red, and he had a receding hairline. His muscles made him look like a body builder. His skin was forest green and his eyes were the color of amber.
"Now! Most of my enemies are here… in this room… at this moment." Ganondorf said nodding. "Darken is that you? … It is you! What have you been up to lately?" the warlock Ganondorf asked.
"Well, I've been trying to finish some projects I started a while ago and I've continued to stay beautiful of course." Rahl replied.
"Reeeeeeaaaaaaally?" Ganondorf said trying to seem interested. "Is that so? Remember how close we were in magic school?" He asked.
"I think I made fun of you. You were never beautiful and it looks like things haven't changed." Rahl told him.
During this whole conversation Zelda was thinking, "Ganondorf went to school?"
Link was thinking, "They must have gone to Hogwarts academy. Because… that would explain why they suck at magic… Retards."
Ganondorf spoke this time. "You did… now! Here's pay back!" Ganondorf fired a blast of dark magic at Darken Rahl. Being the beautiful person that Darken Rahl was, he was focused on the colors of the blast rather than trying to avoid it. He died the way he looked. Beautiful. The colors made a rainbow when they hit him. Before Darken Rahl died his last words were, ''beautiful… I'm so beautiful.'' then he dropped his mirror.
"Ha Ha Ha! Now! I shall skin him… and take his secrets… Because! Now I'm the beautiful one!" Ganondorf said feeling triumphant at destroying his schoolyard enemy.
Some D'Haran guards rushed in after they heard the blast. They froze when they saw Ganondorf. It amazed Link how they stood there unable to move even though they were heavily armed and trained to use the axes and swords they carried.
"What's wrong with you? He's right there, just stab him or tackle him or something." Link said.
One of the guards stepped forward and unsheathed his sword. Ganondorf was in the process of cutting Darken Rahl's skin off. The guard looked like he wanted to do something to Ganondorf but instead he turned to Link and said,'' You're the new Lord Rahl. You handle the magic stuff now." The guards left.
Link was tired of watching Ganondorf and he wanted to stretch his tired muscles so he decided to teach the guards how to handle Ganondorf. "Dude, like, every time I turn around I see you. Are you like a stalker or something?"
"Shut up or I'll drop you off at the North Pole and tell Santa you're a lost elf. Now let me finish this so I can take your triforce, green boy." Ganondorf said.
Link was angered by this remark. He hated when people called him an elf. It was probably due to his pointy ears which resembled those of an elf. All hylians had pointy ears for hearing the voices of the goddesses Din, Nayru, and Farore.
Link had brought the master sword with him. He unsheathed it. He could use it because he was a teenager now and he was strong enough to wield it. Just as link was about to strike Ganondorf, somebody jumped in front of him.
It was a girl with blond hair and silver eyes with no pupils. She wore a black shirt with silver pants and her eyes were half closed. She had ears like a Hylian and looked to be about 20. To Link's surprise, she turned to Ganondorf and said, "Like, dude, you just like, killed the guy that raised me, and stuff! I should like, kill you or something." She was smiling an eerie smile, rocked her head from side to side and closed her eyes.
"Are you happy about what he did?" Zelda asked the girl.
"Naw, it sucks 'cause, I'm like an orphan or something now." She replied.
"What's your name?" Link interrogated.
She turned to him, turned her head to the side, folded her arms and said, "I AM The GREAT MAXIMUS RAHL! The Master slash Mistress of D'Hara and all shall bow down to me! Because ! I'm beautiful!"
"Oh come on!" Link said in disbelief. "Your Rahl's clone."
"No! There's two differences." She made a scowl and tipped her head to the side.
"And what would they be?" Zelda asked
"Darken Rahl thought he was beautiful but I know I'm beautiful, and I'm really shady. Oh ye-ah." She put her hand to her chin and scowled again.
Ganondorf was finished with taking Darken Rahl's skin and was looking at Zelda. "Now. Hand over your triforce or suffer the consequences of not doing it."
"What are the consequences?" Zelda asked.
"I have to think of them first, but when I do they'll be harsh because I need the triforce."
The triforce was a holy relic made up of three pieces. It was shaped like an equilateral triangle and consisted of three pieces. The top piece stood for power which Ganondorf controlled, the right piece represented courage which Link owned, and the left piece was wisdom and was Zelda's. Whoever had all three pieces could make a wish and it would come true no matter how good or evil it was.
"Dude, give me back his skin, man! D'you know how weird he's like, gonna look with no skin, dude? You suck, you look gay you're a crusty fag. You look like you need to pick some flowers. Can I get you some milk and cookies sweetheart? Heh heh heh." She taunted.
Link noticed that she also had a sword. Hers had a silver sheath and a silver hilt with a black cross guard. Ganondorf made a bag appear and began folding Darken Rahl's skin to put in the bag. Link saw that the Great Maximus Rahl was beginning to get angry and it was getting dark outside.
"You fag, you won't give me his skin back, huh? I've got something for you then," she unsheathed her sword and raised it above her head. In an echo-like voice she said," By the power of Grayskull!"
Link whispered to Zelda that he could tell that The Great Maximus Rahl must have known Darken Rahl because they were both odd. Ganondorf was done folding Rahl's skin and he had put it in the bag.
"Ok Hylians… and you, the great whatever. I'm going to take your triforce." Ganondorf told them.
"I don't have a triforce and I don't need one BECAUSE, I'm a vampire-lycan-yokai-human that can't be defeated. And I'm shady! Oh ye-ye-ye-ah. And NOW I shall call my vampire friends who don't like me because I'm not just species and I'm more beautiful than they are!" She said.
The Great Maximus Rahl's canine teeth grew longer and soon the room was filled with vampires. They eyed Link. One slurped and walked up to him.
The Great Maximus Rahl spoke, "Naw, don't attack 'Link' attack this crusty, green gorilla over here." She said pointing to Ganondorf.
The vampire closest to Link sprang forward and sunk his teeth into Link's carotid artery. Link struggled and Zelda tried to pry the vampire off of him but he was stuck like a lamprey on an unsuspecting fish. When he finally got off of Link, what they saw was disturbing. Link now had fangs and The Great Maximus Rahl's pupiless eyes. He was paler and the bite marks in his neck were rapidly disappearing.
Link turned to Maximus Rahl and said," Why did Rahl raise you?"
"Because I was going to be his secret weapon. Oh ye-ye-ye-ah! And because he recognized my shadyness." she replied.
"I think your using the word shady the wrong way. What did he want with you?" Link asked her. He looked at the vampire who bit him.
"First I'm not. I have my own definition. It's the highest form of beautiful and coolness. Now, I, the Great Maximus Rahl, am also a wizard. A war wizard… just like yourself… and Darken Rahl, my only family figure who that fag killed. But I'll never call you Lord Rahl because your not cool. Oh ye-ah." She told him.
"Wait why does everyone keep calling me Lord Rahl?" Link asked her. His eyes were still on the vampire who bit him.
"Because your gay 'n crusty, and they're probably just saying it to help you feel better about your gayness, you fag," she said laughing. "Oh yeah that's right, like, I'll explain it in a way that you can understand. Now the Lord Rahl has only one heir to D'Hara and the rest are like, rejects. My Lord Rahl didn't have any kids so like, you know, like, I guess your like a relative of his…or something." She mumbled.
"Hey Zelda I have a family!" Link said. He seemed a bit happier even though he was still leering at the vampire who bit him.
"Man, that means I lost the bet about you just spawning off from some bacteria covered rock." She laughed.
Ganondorf was cackling and waving his arms in the air. Smoke started to swirl around his arms and he looked at Zelda. "Now princess, give me your triforce or…or…uh. Who's the blond one again? Oh yeah. Now give me the triforce or I'll knock off sleeping beauty and leave you in front of Disneyland…to have them turn you into a Disney princess and make a Disney-Pixar movie and have it become a Disney classic in 50 years. But you know they'll just drop you after two years and revive your story seven years later when they make a sequel that nobody will remember!"
"You wouldn't dare!" she replied stunned.
"Oh yes, I would. Now hand it over." he told her.
Maximus Rahl looked at Ganondorf and Zelda. "O.k., they've got their own thing going on…" She glanced towards the vampire that Link was focused on. "Lestat, dude, like, I like, need to shank you or something, man. Now he's like me and stuff. And as you know, THERE CAN BE…ONLY ONE! BECAUSE, I AM The GREAT MAX-" she was cut off.
"We know! You sound like a Linkin Park song. You just keep rewinding and repeating yourself. Man, we got it. We know who you are." Zelda told Maximus.
Link sprang at Lestat, the vampire who bit him. He impaled him with the master sword in the heart. The silver of the blade dissolved his undead heart. The other vampires in the room flew over to Lestat. Link was pulling the master sword out and the vampires were feeding off of the fountain of red blood cells and plasma streaming from the fallen vampire.
"CRAP! Look at that! They're just drinking dude's blood, man." Link said with astonishment.
"I wonder will that work on both of those Hylians," Ganondorf said aloud.
"I'm not a vampire, retard." Zelda told Ganondorf.
"Yes, yes," Ganondorf said while rubbing his chin.
"Dude! You killed Kenny! I mean Lestat! Like dude, I had a thing for him and stuff, you know?" Maximus said.
"You liked someone?" Zelda inquired.
"Ewww! Naw, I was like, gonna let him borrow my Donkey
Kong bongos and stuff." Maximus said.
"You don't act your age at all." Zelda told Maximus.
"Dude, how old do you think I am?" Maximus asked.
"Maybe twenty?" Zelda guessed.
"Naw, I'm fourteen, man."
"You're kidding…right?" Zelda asked The Great Maximus
Rahl.
"No, you see I, The Great Maximus Rahl, am the result of steroids and, uh, … chemicals in the milk and stuff. That's why I'm so tall and beautiful. Oh yeah."
A loud trampling sound could now be heard from the hall.
"Ha ha! Tinkerbelle! Jolly Green Giant! Give me your triforce or my Darknut army will crush you!" Ganondorf said referring to Link and Zelda.
"No! You keep doing this! Stop, man! Give it up! You're like, 50 and you've been doing this since me and Link were 10!" Zelda told the evil warlock.
"Then die!" Ganondorf commanded.
The Darknut army rushed in the room. They looked like robotic European knights with armor. The only exit was blocked off by Darknut soldiers who Ganondorf was behind. The vampires fled through the window.
" Get your crusty techno fags out of my palace you prick!" Maximus Rahl unsheathed her sword and charged through to make a path through the Darknuts. "Come on!" She yelled to Link and Zelda.
Ganondorf was shocked to see anyone rush through his most powerful troops so easily. He was in awe as she effortlessly cut down his Darknut soldiers to catch up with him.
Link and Zelda were on her heels. The troops couldn't move fast enough to close the gaps that The Great Maximus Rahl was making. The Darknuts numbers were great but Maximus was in a dance with death and was committed to the end. There was no blood but the whole moment had a feeling of heavy metal coursing through it.
Maximus came within Ganondorf's area. Rather than attack him, she forced Link and Zelda forward.
"Like, we're going to my quarters and stuff. I like, have a plan or something. Totally!" Maximus told them.
They raced down the hall while Ganondorf yelled, "You Hylians have no courage…getting a 30 year-old to fight for you!"
When they reached Maximus' quarters, they entered through a grand silver door. The room was large, and what Link and Zelda found inside didn't surprise them at all. Disturbed was throbbing from the Speakers, pictures of dragons and anime lined the walls, shelves were covered with graphic novels, Nintendogs were running around, and the Xbox looked like it was about to explode. Maximus told Link and Zelda to take a seat on the bed which had Dragon Ball Z pillows.
"So what's your plan?" Zelda asked The Great Maximus Rahl.
" To play Halo 2." Maximus answered with enthusiasm.
"I mean about Ganondorf." Zelda corrected The Great
Maximus Rahl.
"Wait this is the good part of the song." Maximus began to sing,
"As the countless numbers HUNGER for world wide RENOWN!
All the pimping Sons Of PLUNDER will roll up their SLEEVES!
While searching for the ANSWERS they don't even CARE TO KNOW!"
That's THE shadiest part of the whole song! Aw, yeah… that's right the crusty fag. Yeah well my guard will hold him off until my plan is done." She mumbled. "First we need some supplies." She had the eerie smile from when Link and Zelda first saw her.
"Tell us what you need." Link said.
" 'kay. I need my Naruto satchel, my Vaio, nano, and three DS's. Take a DS, pass my nano, and put the Vaio in the bag."
They did as they were told and handed her the bag. The three walked out of the room and headed towards where Ganondorf was. They saw the palace guards crying and huddling like abused puppies. Ganondorf was there waiting for them. When they approached he had an evil smirk on his face.
"So! Come to face defeat have you?"
Maximus whispered for Link and Zelda to distract him. Maximus took out her Ipod nano and connected it to her Vaio. She threw the computer and took out the wires. She made a sphere from the plastic parts and stuck all but a green wire inside of it. She split the green wire and held the pieces toward each other. They made a spark.
Maximus removed her Nintendo DS. Link and Zelda followed suit. They all went to the pictochat option and removed the stylus from its compartment. They passed messages between themselves until Maximus began to continue what she had started.
Ganondorf disabled Darknut troops. " I can see that you two are trying to have a little fun before you die but what is MacGyver doing there?" Ganondorf said.
Maximus said words in a language that none of them could understand and rubbed the sphere she created. It began to glow blue and the silver pieces made the sphere look like a disco ball. She plugged the nano in the sphere and turned the volume up to the highest percent. Everyone was wondering what Maximus had planned.
She spun the wheel for a while until she found a song.
"Wanna listen to one of my favorite songs? Y'know… I can except defeat. No hard feelings?" Maximus had that eerie smile again.
"Usually not my favorite type but since you're offering it out of peace…" Ganondorf grabbed the headphones and quickly put them on. Maximus pushed play and Ganondorf screamed a blood curdling scream.
"I can except defeat but I'm never beaten." She laughed at Ganondorf for a while. "At least he gets to die to a cool song." She began to sing again, " You wanna know why?…
I let my innocence die…
You made me bury something
I won't be sleeping tonight…
Now I've been labeled a renegade…
You're no immortal
I won't let them!
Deify you…"
"Why do you keep singing?" Link shouted to Maximus.
"Because it's a shady song, man. It's a shady song." she yelled slowly.
Ganondorf was wailing in pain. The funk metal was earsplitting and he was at its source. The music was so loud that it sounded like Disturbed was playing right in front of them.
The silver sphere that emitted the funk metal sounds of Disturbed began to rise. It became a disco ball . It took 4 minutes and 18 seconds for Ganondorf to die and when he did his Darknuts disappeared and his head exploded. Link inspected him to make sure that he was really dead. There was blood and brain fluid everywhere.
"Dude that was cool, man! I didn't think his head would blow up! That was raw!" Maximus said with excitement in her voice.
"Now that everything is over, me and Zelda can go home. Yes!" Link said.
"No you can't," Maximus told them.
"And why not?" Link asked.
"Well like Disturbed would say," Maximus began to sing once more, " They view… you as the new Lord Rahl!"
"Who is 'they' ? " Link asked.
"Aw screw it. Those people'll just have to deal me, The-"
"Great Maximus Rahl!" Link and Zelda said in unison.
"You suck." Maximus added.
"C'mon Zelda, let's get out of this 'crusty' country."
The trio said their goodbyes and Link and Zelda left for home. When they were out of sight, The Great Maximus Rahl touched her finger tips.
"First D'Hara then … the Mushroom Kingdom and Europe. …Yes…yes."
This might be the end of my story so you can stop reading if you want.
I intended to make this story a fable but, I screwed up and didn't feel like writing it over but, it does have a moral. It's Tip Your Bartender. I also want to acknowledge that I made a parody of almost everything I could. I hope I insulted everybody J
Copyright November 2005.
The characters Link Zelda, Darknuts, Mushroom Kingdom and Ganondorf are the property of Nintendo. Darken Rahl and D'Hara are the property of Terry Goodkind and Tor books. Lestat is the property of Anne Rice. The Great Maximus Rahl is my own creation and I reserve the right to make up whatever weird story I want and include her in it. Most of the pictures are the courtesy of Google except the one of The Great Maximus Rahl. I drew that one and messed it up on my computer that's why the lines are weird. The songs that The Great Maximus Rahl sings are 'Deify' and 'Son of a Plunder' from the Disturbed C.D., Ten Thousand Fists on Warner Bros. records.
