"So, ya just gonna let her go?" Inuyasha looked up and blinked his surprise as Koga sat down on the ground before him. Inuyasha didn't answer immediately, preferring instead to stare at Koga in bewilderment until the wolf demon finally broke the trance with a snap of his fingers. Inuyasha blinked again and glared.
"What's it to you, Koga? Shouldn't you be glad that she's not staying with me?" he shot back. Koga rolled his eyes and refused to rise to the bait. He crossed his legs and leaned back on his hands, looking up at Inuyasha with a face that had a startling resemblance to that of a little child.
"You're avoiding the question," he said with a grin. "It might've worked on me before, ya mutt, but not now. Come on, you know you can tell ol' Koga anything. So spit it out." Inuyasha glared harder and got the distinct feeling that the wolf yokai was having far too much fun playing this game. Leave it to Koga to be doing the wrong thing at the wrong time at the wrong place. Read: Talking to Inuyasha, where Inuyasha was, while Inuyasha was there.
"Yeah, and so are you, fleabag. What the hell do you want?" Koga stopped grinning and locked his eyes onto the hanyou's.
"Is this about Kikyo?" Inuyasha was frozen by the blatancy of the question, but even more so by the accuracy of the accusation. Yes, it was about Kikyo. Yes, Kagome wasn't here because of Kikyo. Yes, he loved her but he didn't want to deal with anything else that reminded him of what he'd had for that short time with both Kikyo and Kagome.
Koga looked at him with wide eyes.
"Wow, you're seriously screwed up, man," he said incredulously. Inuyasha was confused. He hadn't been aware he'd said that out loud.
"Well, you did. I see you've got some work to do on your mental filter."
"Oh yeah, and what about you, pea-brained little bitch! Since when do you ever care about what comes outta your mouth? Oh, that's right, you never did! So why the hell should I?" Koga bristled and his ear twitched.
"Alright, now you're starting to annoy me, stupid dog!" he warned. Inuyasha sniggered.
"I'm so sorry about that, dumb wolf, why don't you go cry to your mommy!" he retorted. Koga glared at him.
"Hey, you leave my mother out of this!"
"Why don'cha make me!"
"I will, you wanna fight about it!"
"I'll kick yer ass, crapface!"
"Oh, that's real mature, dumbshit!"
"This coming from a mangy, slobbery-faced-"
"Flea-bitten, cocky-"
"Bitchy, fucked up-"
"Stinkin', screwed in the head little-"
"JERK!"
There was a silence as the two demons glared at each other, pent up rage and frustration flowing out of them, finally allowing them - without Kagome's and Miroku's and Sango's interference - to release some of the twisted emotions that had been eating and eating at them from the moment they became involved in Naraku's messed up scheme. And as Inuyasha stood there, panting like the dog Koga made him out to be, staring at an equally angry wolf demon, he realized that this was what he needed.
This exchange, this confrontation, this relationship with Koga, still so heartbreakingly normal that it rattled him to his core, was the only thing that forced vitality and vivacity into his life again.
Looking at Koga, Inuyasha realized that he was coming to understand the same thing.
Slowly, the two relaxed, their narrowed eyes opening again as they looked at each other. Koga fell backwards onto the ground and held his weight with his hands. He looked up at Inuyasha incredulously. Inuyasha looked down at him and held his gaze as he sunk almost warily to the ground before Koga.
"I don't wanna do this anymore, Inuyasha." It was a rare thing when Koga said his given name. It was something he could get used to.
"It was supposed to end when Naraku died." Inuyasha refrained from saying Koga's name. Despite all the times he'd said it in the past, he was afraid of what it would sound like now. Afraid of the implications.
"Yeah."
There was more silence and the two just looked at each other, too tired to do anything else. Neither could bring himself to leave, not after having just experienced one of the most normal moments in his life after the death of Naraku. After the reality of what they'd all just done had finally caught up with them.
Inuyasha spent an immeasurable amount of time with Koga after that day. He spent mornings with him, he spent afternoons with him, hell, he even spent nights with him. Koga didn't mind. He actually drank in all the attention like a man dying of thirst. He needed it just as much.
They spoke to each other during that time, too. They didn't just spend silent hours in the other's company.
Inuyasha shared about his relationship with Kikyo before Naraku tore them apart. He explained how it started out a hostile one before it grew into something entirely different, and quite the opposite. His feelings of hatred had started to morph and twist themselves into something softer, something gentler, but no less intense. No, when he watched her quietly from some tree, able to see but not be seen, there was a yearning inside of him for everything that she was; for her body, soul, and mind. He'd never wanted anybody so badly before and it hurt. A lot.
She ignored him at first, aside from the occasional capture and lecture, and seemed to know nothing of his desires. Then, one day, she turned to the tree he was hiding in, and called out to him. I know you're there, she'd said, I can sense you. He'd come out then, ready to run if she tried to shoot him down as she'd always done. But she looked tired, somehow; weary. She'd looked at him with those almond shaped brown eyes of hers and sighed, I'm so very tired of this, demon. He'd glared at her and shouted, Well, you're the one who's always chasing me. She nodded and looked around and then told him that she had no weapon and that she would not harm him if he gave her no reason to. Then, she'd turned back to the task before her.
Their interactions had lessened from the anger-filled and volatile confrontations they had been before, now to something more tentative. The hesitance always masking something deeper, something that seemed to connect her as surely to him as it did him to her. And, over time, the hesitance slipped away, and they began to open up to each other.
Inuyasha had always been reserved. He'd always seen himself as the ultimate outcast. Not demon, not human. Rejected by his family, and rejected by those his family had banished him to. Wanted by no one.
Kikyo had shown him that it was alright to be loved even when you're different. She had taught him to open himself to others, shown him what it looked like when you smiled and shown him what it felt like when someone smiled back at you.
And, in doing so, she'd taught herself the very same thing.
Inuyasha told Koga of everything, even of the very first time he'd ever held Kikyo as something he loved. As a...true love. He told Koga about that day on the docks when Kikyo had tripped and fallen into his arms, by either accident or design, and he'd been about to push her away when she'd looked up at him. All of his usual self-loathing barrage of what he saw as cruel truths suddenly became half-baked excuses and stopped altogether. Thoughts of no one could ever love you, you're nothing but a pathetic piece of shit, filthy half-breed ceased, leaving a noiseless echo in his head.
Her eyes had been...nervous. She'd been nervous in his arms, afraid of his rejection, afraid of being cast aside by someone whom she had come to respect and admire and even love.
And that was what made him throw the oar away and wrap his arms around her. She'd been tense for all of five torturous seconds before her arms curled up around his back.
She was embracing him back. And he couldn't have been happier.
Koga hadn't known what to make of the tears in Inuyasha's eyes as he told him of the horror he'd felt, seeing Kikyo point a bow at him again and release an arrow towards him. The way she'd said his name had been angry and pain-filled and wet, as though she were holding back tears, and was that - blood on her hakama?
He told about his meeting with Kagome, how he realized that she wasn't Kikyo, how Kagome brought something entirely different into his life for his heart to beat for again. He told Koga of the tear that had developed in his soul when he found out that Naraku had deceived Kikyo and killed her. He was angry for her, murderous for her, but a small part of him was content with this Kagome, if only because she was so like Kikyo and yet so different from her.
He explained how he'd fallen in love with Kagome while redeveloping his love for Kikyo, of his extreme helplessness when the very first woman he'd ever loved and still loved gave up her life to save the people he had come to cherish in an entirely different way.
Kikyo had always known him so well, hadn't she? To know that he needed his friends to live if he were to be completely satisfied with the death of Naraku.
Inuyasha just wasn't sure if she knew how much the victory was wasted when she died.
He knew Koga had seen Kikyo die in his arms, knew he had seen him kiss her so desperately one last time before she was mercifully granted leave from the mortal coil that had been so hellish to her. So he didn't share that memory. Besides, it was still too fresh in his mind, the pieces of his shattered heart still piercing painfully into his body and soul.
Kagome's love for him and his love for her had been a godsend in that time. He had not relinquished her for one moment while he was recovering from Kikyo's death, selfishly reveling in his closeness to her because it drove the anguish away. And soon, the anguish was ingrained in him, becoming a dull ache, so he could finally revel in the love he had for Kagome.
But, by then it was too much. Too much pain, too much fear seeing Kagome nearly die a million times, too much regret seeing Kikyo glare at him with eyes filled with anger and betrayal. Too much love torn to bits between the three of them as he tried and tried to decide between them.
After that battle, after his conflicts with Sesshomaru, after witnessing all he witnessed, after he was pushed to the limit so many times that he lost count, Inuyasha began to feel the life leave him.
How do you pick up the threads of an old life after something like all that? Seeing Kagome was too much for him. Sending her away was painful, god yes, but keeping her with him would ensure nothing but the pain of memories he wanted to forget. Memories of hatred and scorn, memories of Kikyo and hesitance and love, memories of Kagome and wariness and affection. All of it, he wanted gone.
Koga had listened attentively while Inuyasha opened himself up to him. It was the first time he ever felt any measure of true respect for the hanyou. The poor guy had been through more than he'd ever let on. All Koga could ever gripe about was being abandoned by his mother.
"Heh. That's something to be sad about," Inuyasha grinned. Koga scoffed and leaned back on the hill they shared, staring up at the magnificent sky. The moon that night was similar to the one he'd seen the night he'd promised Ayame that he would marry her if it ever became too much for her to handle.
"Ah, shut up, I'm not in the mood for anything depressing today," he grumbled. Inuyasha snickered and fell back beside him. The two lay there silently, both looking up at the stars, thinking.
Inuyasha's ear twitched at Koga's low chuckling.
"What?" he asked gruffly. Koga shook his head and pointed randomly up towards the sky.
"That clump of stars," he explained. "It looks like you with a beard." Inuyasha blinked and then glared. Pushing himself up onto his elbows, he growled, "Oh yeah?" and began scanning the sky rapidly. "Well that one looks like you in a dress!" he shouted, pointing to the first large group of stars he saw. Koga laughed.
"No it doesn't," he denied swiftly. Inuyasha leaned towards him angrily.
"How would you know!" he snarled, embarrassed at having been found out so easily.
Koga turned to face him with a grin.
"Because that's the worst comeback I've ever heard," he shot. Inuyasha sneered and sat up straight.
"Oh yeah?" he challenged. Koga bolted up into a sitting position and stared hard at Inuyasha.
"Yeah!" he returned. Inuyasha grinned and pounced.
The sound of shouts and grunts and laughter filled the air that night as the two demons wrestled each other playfully. Right when one thought he'd won, the other would pull him back down to the ground and begin pushing back hard. They lasted for hours, just shoving and kicking and pushing and playing. They might as well have been two puppies nipping and biting each other when their mother was turned away.
The night was still young when Koga pinned Inuyasha to the ground with his hands and knees, but it felt like several nights had passed.
The both of them stilled and quieted, panting heavily, their eyes locked. Inuyasha relaxed his coiled muscles and pulled Koga down to his tired body. He buried his nose in Koga's hair and closed his eyes.
"You smell like shit," he remarked. Koga laughed against his chest and shook his head.
"You don't exactly smell like a basket of roses, yourself," he shot back. Inuyasha could hear the absence of the malice in his voice and knew that he couldn't quite find it in him to add the usual bite to his put downs that they were both used to.
He didn't linger on it and instead snuck his arm around Koga's shoulders, keeping the two anchored together. Time passed slowly and soon Koga's breath evened itself. Soon, Inuyasha knew that Koga had fallen asleep and took that time to reflect, to think.
The first thing he had to deal with was the fact that he was now lying in the grass underneath his former rival in love and he couldn't find it in himself to push the said rival away. He looked over Koga's head at the stars still blinking in the sky and got the distinct feeling that the guy who ran the show up there was laughing at his stupid and confused little thoughts.
"Yeah, well fuck you," he muttered to the bastard. Koga shifted against him and he smirked, subtly adjusting himself to avoid losing the feeling in his legs.
Why wasn't he trying to rectify this situation? Why was he letting Koga use him as a pillow, even encouraging the contact?
Was it because he didn't really mind? Because, maybe he did enjoy the feeling of a warm, living body against his?
He found it much easier to state the truths when he posed them as questions instead of statements. Then, the implications of actually lying intimately beneath a young male demon weren't quite so severe. Because he really didn't want to think about Koga intimately. He was too tired of intimacy and love and everything it had caused him in the past. He was too tired of watching the woman he loved run through by his worst enemy, he was too tired of watching her die in his arms unable to do anything to save her, he was tired of arriving at the site of a burning building to see her lifeless body and think for one painful moment that she was dead. He was tired of all of it! And his heart he trusted not to do anything rash right now. It was physically impossible to fall in love again.
It wasn't anything important at all, his new clingy attitude when regarding the wolf. He just wanted to have a reassuring presence nearby. He just wanted to be with someone now that all this was over. That was it.
Satisfied with this conclusion, Inuyasha smiled gently at the sky and let the melodies of the night lull him to sleep.
And the next morning, when he woke, he was inexplicably happy to find that Koga was still there, in his arms, and had been all night.
Fin
Alright, so, here be my very first Inuyasha fic! I don't own Inuyasha, just throwing that out there.
First off, I know next to nothing about what actually happens in Inuyasha the show and I have no interest in watching to find out. Everything I know, I know from the episodes I've seen (they were scattered and in no particular order) and the internet.
I am a die-hard InuKik fan, I abhor Kagome and I loooooove Koga! He be mah favey character! I also happen to love InuyashaKoga, as you can probably tell. ;)
I wrote this story because I felt that it made no sense for Kagome to stay back in time with Inuyasha and generally screw with the space-time continuum the way she most definitely will. It made no sense also for Inuyasha to immediately move past everything he's dealt with and be all "Oh, Kagome is meant for me and I for her, let's make the babies now!" Not cool in my book.
So, you have this! I was originally going to leave it as a depressing little broody piece, but I didn't like that, so I threw in the yaoi at the end thar, and I'm happy with the turnout! Sorta. I wish I had the patience to make this longer so you all would have to suffer more InuKoga, because, really, the world needs to suffer from more of that delicious pairing.
Ahkay! That's it! Hope you enjoyed this somehow! :)
