I don't own Invader Zim. Please don't sue my bored ass!
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STIV
By
Mr. Pink
Chapter One
TROUBLES
There she stood on the balcony of our small apartment. She looked down at me and our eyes met. She was one of the most beautiful Irkens I had ever seen in my great many years of life. She was four and a half feat of gorgeous curves, long, curled antennae, and sexy blood-red eyes. Now I remembered why I had chosen her. Why Xella was my girl. And as she stood there, a few stray rays of sunlight caught her form in a magnificent silhouette. Her antennae gently waved in the breeze and her green skin glistened in the light; I couldn't help but smile. And just as I was beginning to sink into my tender reverie, she opened her mouth. "You - no - good - dirty - rotten – good - for - nothing - free -loading – slark - eating - cheating - son – of- a - bitch!"
She screamed as she ran back and forth from the balcony to inside carrying armful after armful of my things. She threw a couple of suitcases, my boots, and…
"That's my favorite shirt!" I watched as one of the cases burst open and the yellow and black striped rag floated down on the air. I snatched at it in vain only to have it land in a dingy puddle at my feet. I suitcase, meanwhile, bashed me right across the forehead. As I picked myself up off the ground, I knew it was over between us. How did she find out about me and her sister? It was only once. Who could have told her? OF COURSE, probably her sister's husband. That dirty bastard! I yelled up at her as I rubbed my head, "Xeeeella! Xeeeella! Come on sweat-squeedly spoooch, I'm sorry. I promise you, this is the last time this will ever hap…"
"That's what you said the last time Stiv! I'm not as stupid as I look!" She continued hefting load after load of my belongings over the railing as I scrambled around trying to catch it. "I never want to see you ever again! We're thru! It's over! And Tallests help you if you try to come up here! I'll cut you in ways that'll make useless to a female! You lying sack of slark! I MEAN IT!" She came out brandishing a rather large, intimidating, serrated blade.
Yep, it was definitely over. No use in trying. And so much for a goodbye kiss. The only thing I was really worried about was the fact that I didn't have a transport unit. I had been using her model, but now, I didn't think she'd be so keen in letting me use it, not even for old time's sake.
I could feel a big bastard of a migraine coming on. And with a head as big as the one I have, you don't want a head splitter of a migraine. I reached into my jacket and pulled out the small, medical packet. I quickly placed one of the little red strips on my tongue and counted to five. As it rapidly dissolved I could feel the pressure in my head lessen and then fade away. Another episode avoided. I sighed. The last thing I needed was to forget my medication. I may be borderline psychotic, but I, I didn't need to worry about that right now.
Things were starting looking up now. I didn't have to worry about Xella finding out about her sister. I wasn't tied down to anybody any more. Hell, I was my own Irken now. Free to do as I pleased. I had not a care on Irk. Then I realized, I didn't have no place to stay. So I decide to walk around a little. No need to rush into anything. I'd gather my thoughts a while.
The neighborhood I used to live in with Xella had suddenly become a terrible part of the sector almost over night. Now, for those of you readers who are filthy, stink humans, I'll give you a brief Irken history lesson. About four years ago, a radical faction of rough aggressors and Irken anarchists tried to over through our great Empire, which of course, resulted in a vicious, extremely bloody massacre, know as "The Twelve Minute Rebellion." Believe you me, never before had there been so much blood spilt in a single sector uprising. As you can imagine, there haven't been any rebellions or riots, for that matter, since. Ever since then, the area was a rather devastated sector dominated by burned out hulks of buildings and ruble. Needless to say, the amount of homeless and criminals was astronomical. I need to get somewhere safe, soon.
As I slowly walked down the street with two haphazardly packed up suitcases in my claws and a pillow tucked under my arm, making sure not to step on the many legs of the many homeless Irks on the sidewalk, it began to rain. You humans probably know that rain on Earth will eat the flesh right off of an unsuspecting Irken. Such is not true on Irk. Slight chemical differences and the fact that human pollutants in your atmosphere are different form the many chemicals in the atmosphere of Irk. Thus, all that happened was I got sopping wet.
As I trudged down the street, soaked to the bone, slowly getting colder and colder I thought to myself, could this get any worse? I was answered
"Yes" as a large snack transported wailed by splashing a rather large, rather dirty puddle directly into my face. As I coughed and wiped the sludge from my eyes and blinked a few times my vision slowly began to return, revealing a bright, red neon sign that said. "BAR"!
"Oh, thank you!" I screamed as I ran toward the door. I through my soggy pillow into an alleyway, which was quickly snatched up by a homeless Irken, and I walked thru the door and dropped my bags by the trash.
The fat bartender looked at me and I said, "Whadda' you need?"
I said, "I'll take a triple. Better yet, make it a double triple!" I snapped my fingers and sat down.
During my seventy years in the Irken military, I learned a thing or two: how to kill things, how to kill more things… really, all I learned was how to kill things. Oh, and I learned to fly a Voot Cruiser. But then about forty years ago, the great Irken Invader, Zim, conquered a pathetic planet called Earth. Oh wait, you humans already know this. Sorry. Anyway, while stationed there during the process to make it an official territory of the Empire, I learned of many other things: like rain, and… GERMS, but more importantly, I learned of a fantastic invention you Earth monkeys call, "liquor". What we drink is pretty good stuff, mind you, but what you monkeys consume, OOH MAMA, it gets me crashed faster and harder than anything else I know. And after, twelve hazy years on your filth ball of a planet, I came back pleased to discover that the beverages had caught on at home. I also discovered that because Zim brought the Tallests a strange device from Earth, called a "Twinkey", the Tallests, in their limitless wisdom, appointed him the regal magistrate of your planet. Isn't that a bitch! But I digress…
The rather fat Irken with the nametag that said, "Durel", set the two glasses on the bar top in front of me. I reached out with both hands and hammered the pair back at the same time.
"Another," I coughed.
It has a satisfying burn.
I decided to have a quick glance around the bar. It was a typical
Irken dive: bad lighting, bad smell, bad Irkens, and lots of smoke. The
floor was cracked tile and the walls were rusting metal covered with
posters of local musical groups and of course, naked Irken chicks.
My eyes dwelled on the posters for an unknown amount of time before Durel slammed another two glasses on the counter.
"Hey man, you got troubles?"
I flinched for a second. Was he talking to me? I looked around for another Irken who might have been engaged in this conversation. I saw no one and realized, yes, he was talking to me. "Why?" I asked. Of course I had problems! Lots of problems. But I wanted to put off the inevitable conversation that was about to take place.
"You just seem like the type of guy who's having problems," he said. Damn, he was genuinely interested.
"Yeah. I am."
"Why don't you tell me about it? What's the worst that could happen?"
I thought maybe a passing rouge transporter would soak me with a puddle again. But he was right.
"Pour me another and I'll tell," I said pointing down to the two empty glasses. He complied and I continued.
"My girlfriend kicked me outa' our apartment."
"What'd you do?" This guy was good.
"Why do you suddenly jump to the conclusion that it's MY fault?" I said pointing at myself in disgust.
He just gave me a stern stare. I wasn't a very good liar when I was drunk. Once, Xella asked me if a particular outfit she had picked out for that night made her look fat. My face stung for an hour and a half after that slap.
Fine, I'd relent. "She THINKS I slept with her sister." Okay, did I say relent? I meant, skirt the subject.
Another stare.
"SO what if I did? I still loved HER. It's not my fault her slark head husband decided to be a little tattle tale!" Tattle tale? Did I say tattle tale? The drink was softening my mind.
"I'd say you got what was coming to you man," Durel said as he filled my glasses yet again. "I thought you had a problem I could give you advice about. Neuk! Man. Your up a galaxy without any thrusters."
"Gee. Thanks for being so positu… postati… positive. You're a real help. You know that right? A REAL help."
"Positive? You want positive?" An odd look quickly swept over his face as he crooked his eye ridges.
"Yeah. Why not?" I could use a little positive rienfo... reinfff…
positive stuff."
"Okay. You're doing FINE. You'll get through this. Hell, you'll get out of these slums and make something of yourself. Your life won't end up a complete and total failure, the likes of which never before seen except in Operation Impending Doom Two!" Wow, that WAS positive. I felt better already.
"I'll have you know that I'm a proud surviving veteran from OID2!" I protested angrily.
"Yeah, you're one of the few lucky ones," he said.
A few tense, silent minutes passed. The room had begun to spin, and the bottles on the shelves behind the bar were staring at me menacingly. I finished my fourteenth glass and I said to the bar tender, "Hey,…. what time it is?"
He said, "The clock on the wall says three. Last call, for alcohol. You've had enough," He handed me the rather large tab I had run up. As I looked over it in my haze, I decided he was right; I had had enough to drink. Besides, I could afford another drink. So, I quickly paid him my tab and headed for the door picking up the two cases as I left and the last thing I remembered was hearing a faint voice, like down a tunnel, saying, "He don't look so good."
And then the ground was moving toward my face at an alarmingly fast rate. I felt a slight pain in my head. And then, everything went black….
I remember, there was a dream. It wasn't what you'd call a bad dream, so much as a neuking nightmare! I was on trial. For what I didn't know. I had an idea, but I still wasn't sure.
"Colonel Stiv has been brought up on charges of atrocities committed against the filthy,… I mean, the HUMANS. How do you plead?" Asked the somewhat tall Irken in the green robes.
"Not guilty!" Sure I was guilty. After five years on that slark ball, obviously before I discovered liquor, I would get up on the roof of my base and have a little target practice with the humans. And other than a couple of slaves here or there, I really didn't see the big deal. In fact, no one has ever been tried for atrocities because every Irken soldier is encouraged to do so.
When I tried to tell this to the court, I suddenly heard a voice from behind saying, "Silence the prisoner!" I suddenly felt a searing pain in the back of my head and I was on the floor. I looked up just in time to see where the voice had come from. It had echoed down from the royal viewing box where, at that second, a rather excited Tallest Purple was jumping up and down, his large sodas splashing everywhere. "Enough with this, execute him!"
My Tallests had betrayed me and now I was going to die. I was going to die a terrible, horrific, painful death!
"Throw him out the air lock!" howled Tallest Purple. The green judge smiled and nodded.
"Death! DEATH! DEEEEEATH!"
Then, I was then hefted up by two guards. As I was carried toward the air lock I could here the entire court chanting, "Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death!" The sound suddenly faded as I was thrown into the air lock. I could hear the hissing sound and then it was over. I was out in space, spiraling away from the Massive. I couldn't breath. I was dying! Dying! Then, suddenly, I saw a light. And I was awake.
I was awake in a dirty alley a few blocks from the bar. I noticed my monies was gone and so where my suitcases. Those bastards at the bar must have left me for dead and looted my body. Now what was I going to do. My head was throbbing and I could hear a loud rumbling noise coming from my stomachs. I needed to eat something. "That's it!" I exclaimed snapping my fingers, only to grab my head in pain. I knew where I could go. Vova. She'd help me out. I just need to get to the diner.
I stood up and steadied myself against a nearby trash receptacle and took a strip of my head medicine. I counted to five and staggered my way out of the alley.
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I hope you guys enjoyed this first chapter. I've got big plans for our friend Stiv. Please, if you like it, or hate it, leave a review. I love to hear from you and I love to know what you think of my work. Thanks.
