Title: It's All Downhill From Here
Author: All Vowels
AN: I don't own community. I got into community last year and started shipping Jeff/Annie and I have been lurking at M&M. I saw butterbadger's prompt about a ski trip and my imagination got carried away. This is my first fanfic in a long time so please be nice!
"30 second study break everyone!" The group groaned out loud at Annie's perky reminder.
"Annie we've been over this, let's just plow on through the material so we can leave." Jeff paused for breath and then whipped his head towards Pierce, "Yes I said plow, don't say anything."
"I was only going to say that's what she said… What's up your rumpus, Forehead?"
"Nothing is up my rumpus. I just want to leave before…" Jeff looked around the room uncomfortably before leaning in a whispered, "Before the Dean stops by and gropes me. I evaded him earlier and he was wearing spandex ski pants, pink leg warmers and a fluffy fur coat. I don't need that today."
All seven sets of eyes shifted to the study room entrance. And waited. And waited some more.
"Huh, that's odd."
"What's odd besides you Ay-bed?"
Abed eye shifted to Pierce, "Usually mentioning the Dean is a perfect segway at the beginning of the episode. We are pretending to study and the Dean pops in and changes our directions."
Annie huffed, "What do you mean pretend to study? I do not schedule in 30 second pretend study breaks! And our 30 seconds are up back to biology."
"What's the Deany-o, study group-o?"
"Hmmm… His timing is off this week. He didn't read the script."
"Who cares about the script Abed? Look at the Dean, he is covered in fur. Do you know how they obtain that fur, they bash baby… "
"Whoa whoa whoa, cool your Britta Blasters, this is faux. As if I could afford real fur on my Dean's salary." Dean Pelton interrupted while stroking his faux fur coat. "Deanyways, I just came to invite Greendale's most talented study group on a free ski weekend! "
"What's the catch?"
"There's no catch Jeffrey. Just a free ski weekend at a top resort to say thank you for all you do for this school. You and Annie won the debate, Pierce won the paintball tournament against City College, Shirley gave birth and got me the cover of Dean Magazine, Troy and Abed built that beautiful blanket fort that got us on the news and Britta…" The dean trailed off uncertainly. "Britta, she well, I mean she… has fabulous hair. All expenses paid. Absolutely no strings attached. At all. None, nada, zip."
"Enough with the synonyms for nothing. We're not going."
"I don't know Jeffrey, a ski weekend sounds nice."
"Shirley, it's Greendale that offering this. We will probably be on a hillside in some hellhole, with a donkey and a rope as a ski lift." Unfortunately Jeff's argument was futile, because it's Greendale and it has the power to suck you in.
The group met at Greendale early Friday afternoon. Shirley was bright eyed as she passed out brownies as each member arrived. Troy, Abed and Annie were the last to arrive.
"Hey guys, sorry we are late but Troy's snow pants really slowed us down." Troy waddled up to the group in the thickest snow pants and coat the group had ever seen.
"Honestly Troy I don't know why you insisted on wearing that. You need dexterity while skiing, and you can hardly move."
"Well Annie, if we get into an avalanche guess who's going to survive? This guy." Troy tried to point his thumbs to his face but the padding from his coat prevented his arms from bending. "Anyways, by the time the Saint Bernard gets to us with his jug of nourishment you'll already be dead. And maybe some bites will be taken out of you because I'm hungry and the dog is taking too long. And then I've become a cannibal at it's all your fault because I can't eat Abed!" Tears formed in the corners of his eyes.
There was a moment of silence as the group looked at each other. None of them liked to deal with Troy's "uterine moments" as Pierce had dubbed them. The group kept the name, even though Britta argued it was a sexist way to refer to being in touch with one's inner turmoil, because they were impressed Pierce knew the term uterine.
"That would make a great movie. Avalanche strands a group in the woods, pitting them against each other to survive. And when they give in and finally get a taste of human flesh a rescue team flies overhead and we fade to black."
"Did you bring your camera? And can we add Zombies? And a wolf like that Liam Neeson movie?" Abed nodded his head in the affirmative and the two attempted their special handshake. In reality Troy flared his stiff arms as Abed patted his chest.
"We'll as sweet as you two are with your little bromance, shouldn't we be heading out? Where the hell is the dean anyway? How are we supposed to get this wonderful weekend started without him?"
"Oh no! I hope something didn't happen to him. Who knows what one of those furry heathens is capable of!"
"Shirley!"
"What? That sort of thing is meant for a married man and woman. Not a man and Dalmatian costume."
At that moment rumbling was heard and a large dirty RV like vehicle pulled in front of the group.
"The space bus? Really?"
"Hi-dee-ho! Are we ready to get this show on the road?" The dean cried as he jumped out from the vehicle. His apparel of choice today was a one piece shiny silver snowsuit, with a deep v-neck, bell bottom legs and scarf the resembled a feather boa. Scratch that it was a feather boa. If he had hair he'd look like an awkward Elvis Presley impersonator.
"Honestly Dean, you can't expect us to drive to a resort in this heap?"
"Well Jeffrey, we don't have a bus anymore since the tragic crash/vehicular homicide of the glee club. This is what we have and this is what we'll use so bunny hop on in! And Jeff you can sit up front with me since there aren't enough seats in the back."
Jeff's face paled at the suggestion, "Uh, I think Pierce should sit up front with you. He's claustrophobic and will freak out in back."
"But the front is a smaller than the back."
Jeff faltered for a moment, damn the Dean and his Dean logic. Luckily Annie took pity on Jeff and came to his aide.
"Yes but there isn't a window in back. The window gives the feeling of being in a larger space because you can see the outdoors."
The Dean pouted as his dreams of driving with Jeff Winger were squashed. "Alright. Let's load up and get this show on the road!"
"Pierce you're riding up front with the Dean!"
"What? I don't want to sit next to that screwnut. He might infect me."
"With what?"
Pierce shrugs his shoulders uncertainly, "You know, one of those diseases. Like GCB."
"GCB is horrible new show on ABC that flaunts the sexist ideal that women compete with each other and conform to society's version of beauty. Plus it is trying to take over for Desperate Housewives and we don't need another one of those shows. You aren't going to catch it from the Dean. Now get in front." Britta commanded.
Pierce grumbled as he complied and struggled into the front seat.
Annie turned to Britta as they stepped into the cockpit of the space bus, "I didn't know you watched GCB or Desperate Housewives."
"Oh I don't. I won't give into the man by paying for cable. But I've seen the posters for them."
"Oh."
An hour later….
"Are we there yet?"
"No Troy."
"Are we there yet?"
"No Troy."
"Are we there yet?"
"NO TROY!"
Two Hours after that…
Shirley sat muttering a prayer.
"Shirley are you alright?" She smiled politely and nodded.
"Yes thank you, I'm fine."
"No you aren't."
"Yes Abed I'm fine."
"No you aren't. You keep clenching your legs together and muttering sweet baby Jesus. And you are a little sweaty and your face is pinched uncomfortably and…"
"Ok! I need to use the little girl's room! I drank a large coffee this morning."
"Oh."
"Yes, so can we please talk about something else?"
"Like how we got stuck going to a capitalistic tourist trap where they can charge you for your ski rentals, your lift ticket, and overpriced snacks because you are stuck on a mountain so they can just stick a zero at the end and increase their profit margin?"
"Aw come on Britta, I think it'll be fun. I've never been skiing before. My parents thought it was too dangerous as a kid so I never got to go on field trips. Once my parents thought I was old enough I had a back brace and well, that's just not conducive to skiing."
"Oh Annie you missed out. This one time Freddie Hildaire pulled a Bono and ran straight into a tree. After that, he got to miss school for three whole months. When he came back he got to go to the special classes too. Ah those were good times."
"He missed school because he was in a coma Troy."
"I wish I were in a coma. Then this ride would go faster."
"Well I think this will be a great change of scene for our group. We will be out of our comfort zones and I'm interested in how our group dynamic will change. Plus I'm hoping for a homage to Better Off Dead. Jeff will be Lane and have to race the ski bully for the girl."
"One, he tried to kill himself and failed. If I were going to do it, I'd do it right. One word: Succinylcholine. Two, the hot girl left Lane for someone cooler and more popular than him. That's not possible because no one is more awesome than me."
"Hmmm… I guess you're right. Besides I see myself as Monique, the awkward foreign exchange student. That means Troy is Lane."
"Sweet!"
After four hours, the space bus shuttered to a stop. Shirley rushed out as soon as the Dean opened the outside door.
"Praise baby Jesus!" She cried as she hustled towards the lodge in the distance.
The rest of the group plus the Dean gathered outside and admired the scenery.
"Wow this place looks really nice!"
"The lodge is huge! And there are so many trees!"
"You've really outdone yourself this time Dean Pelton."
Jeff narrowed his eyes, "Wait… where's everyone else?"
Dean Pelton chuckled uneasily, "Maybe we beat the weekend rush? Anyways let's get inside. It's colder than a witch's tit out here." He burred to himself and tried to hurry inside after Shirley.
"Pelton! Why is there no one else here?"
"Well I didn't want to ruin the surprise but it is just us here this weekend."
"Sounds like the making of a horror movie."
"Why are we here alone? This is a beautiful lodge, there is no way Greendale could afford to rent this out exclusively."
The Dean's shoulders slumped, "Why can't you ever just accept anything at face value?"
The group just stared at him.
With a Huff He threw his hands in the air, "Fine it was free! This place got some bad publicity lately, so they offered the school a free weekend to get good PR."
"Bad publicity?"
"There was an incident a few months ago."
"An incident?"
Annie's eyes grew large, "This is the place with the ski lift tragedy. The ski lift derailed and 7 people were injured and one was killed."
"Annie how do you know that? Are you like a psycho now? I mean can you see things? Is the dead guy here right now? Quick read my palm and tell me my future!"
"I think you mean psychic Troy, and no I'm not, I read the news."
"It's okay. Deny your gift. I know the truth."
"Anyways, the lift has been fixed and I've been assured everything is safe! It will be a wonderful weekend everyone!" The Dean promptly skipped away to the lodge to avoid further questioning, and the group reluctantly followed.
"I knew I should have driven my own car. Now I'm stuck here."
"Like you would have driven your precious Lexus up these treacherous mountain roads."
As they walked in they saw a pale red head behind the check in counter. "Is that Garrett?"
"Hello… Abner," Dean Pelton said as he looked at the clerk's name tag. "We are the Greendale group checking in."
Without saying a word, the Garrett look-a-like handed over four keys.
"Alrighty students, we have four rooms that means we have to pair up and I know who I want to be the shish to my kabob." The Dean cried as he ogled Jeff's tall frame.
"If this place is empty why do we have to share?"
"Well not all of the rooms are suitable from human inhabitance yet. You know how this things are."
"No I don't. Explain it to me."
Before the Dean could reply Troy shouted, "I call Abed! Let's get me out of this coat and go exploring like Dora!"
"Cool. Cool cool cool." Abed grabbed the key and raced off with Troy. Unfortunately Troy couldn't keep up.
"Abed don't leave me!"
Jeff looked at the remaining members of the group. There was no way in hell he was sleeping in the same room as the Dean. It was probably a single king bed and he would try to creep over in the middle of the night. Or worse a queen bed.
Pierce was out because well, he's Pierce.
No to Shirley. She'd probably make him pray before bed and that wasn't happening.
No to Britta. He didn't want it to be awkward since the whole we use to have sex thing.
He eyes fell to his last option. Sweet beautiful little Annie. Sweet beautiful little Annie whom he had inappropriate thoughts of, but he'd never act on. Well he might act on them if he was drunk. Or tired. Or in close enough proximity that he could smell her fruity shampoo. Or saw her in cute little pajamas. Or…
That settled it. He'd rather be awkward with Britta.
"I call Shirley! Wait… where is Shirley?" Britta grabbed a key. "I hope she found the bathroom. I'll go find her."
Annie looked at the three remaining men awkwardly. Pierce was Pierce and sleeping in the same room creeped her out more than living above Dildopolis ever did. Her virtue would be safe with the Dean. Or at least she thought so. Jeff just wasn't an option. She brought her Winnie the Pooh pajamas and he could never see her in them. They were thick and comfy and perfect for a ski trip. They were not perfect for seducing your hot older friend who thinks of you as a little girl.
"I call big boobs!"
"Yea Jeff that means it's you and me!"
"NO! I mean Annie can't sleep in the same room as Pierce. Who knows what he'll do to her."
"Jeff it's alright. Maybe Britta or Shirley will be willing to share their bed with me."
"No we can share a room. It's no big deal. We're adults, we can share a room." He grabbed a key, and then grabbed Annie's hand and literally drug her down the hallway.
"Hey you can't leave me with him! What about the GCB?"
That's all I've got for now. I figured I'd split them up and do a chapter per group as they get into their shenanigans, but I don't know what they are going to do yet. I had a quick outline but I've already deviated from it. Happy reading!
