Chapter 1 - Starting Over
Ana's POV
I am turned upside down opening my eyes when I am suddenly aware of someone pulling me from the car. "Ana, Get out!" I am able to crawl through the broken glass and get through the now bent window frame. After hurriedly carrying me away from the car and setting me down on the pavement. I jump from the spot on the ground launching myself towards the car in effort to get my parents out of the car. "Ana!" I am pulled back by my brother when the car goes up in flames. I am screaming for him to let me go "Ana, I tried. I tried, their seatbelts were stuck. I knew I had to get you out." He wraps me up in his arms while I sob "Alex" I say through sobs "Shhh, it's going to be okay. I promise Annie"
Two years and, cars still scare the living shit out of me and putting on a seatbelt almost gives me a panic attack. When am I going to get over this? I'm looking out the plane window almost trembling in fear of what kind of accident could happen in this thing. I left my home, brother, friends, and any other family I had left to come to Seattle. College, yet another thing I kept my brother from doing.
I left what was left of the life and came here to start over. There were too many memories in that town and I couldn't get out fast enough. Do I regret it? I regret putting my brother life on hold.
He was 18, about to go off and see the world with his friends before he went to college. Instead, he was stuck with a part-time job and he stayed so I didn't get put into foster care. I owe him everything, he literally saved my life.
So, when I turned 18, I told him I needed to leave and that he didn't need to take care of me anymore. He was doing it for two years; I wasn't going to make him do it any longer.
I got accepted into Seattle Art Institute and it was my dream to get out of that tiny town. I also always really wanted to have a career in fashion. When I told my parents I wanted to design clothes, they were nothing but supportive.
So, here I am at Sea-Tac after leaving the little town of Sedona. Granted that it had some amazing views and I did have some good memories in that town, I couldn't stay. I don't really know how to explain it but I guess it just didn't feel like it was my home anymore.
I am determined to make this place my home and try to be happy. I don't think I have been truly happy since my parent's death. They already have me on some medication after my failed attempts to end my life.
Depression, they think I had it before their death but, after the accident it was magnified. I know it's not an excuse for being stupid but, I just felt like I didn't deserve to live. I should have died in that car crash and I would have if I would have worn my seatbelt.
That was the thought that I always had on my mind, what if I would have listened? We were being defiant at such a simple task. We just simply refused to wear them and she always got mad. I don't even know why we did it but, now it seems so stupid. I guess it's one of those things you regret when you're older. I know it most cases they save your life but, I guess we were a special case.
After the car crash they were airlifted to Phoenix for medical treatment. At that time everybody knew it was pointless though, they were barely alive and by the time they landed there was nothing they could do.
The funeral was the worst, it was a beautiful ceremony but, who wants to be at a service to mourn your parents death? Having to accept the fact that, you are never going to see them again. It was the worst thought I could ever imagine.
Alex was able to cope better than me; he used writing as a coping mechanism. I resorted to drugs, alcohol and, partying. I know I was wrong and I am past that stage in my life. It took a lot of help to get to where I am today but, I got there.
It started with the partying; it was a few days after the funeral. I just need to escape so, it started with one party. Of course, there was alcohol at the party. I started drinking and it made me feel less empty. I hated feeling empty so, I drank more. I kept going to any party there was and, I drank. I don't know how many times Alex tried to stop me or how many times I saw disappointment in his eyes.
After about a month of partying, the alcohol just wasn't enough anymore so when I saw some people smoking a joint I started with weed. After a week of being high almost 24/7, Alex had had enough. He wouldn't let me out of the house.
The empty feeling came again and I didn't know how to make it subside. I took enough Tylenol to cure a headache for an elephant. Alex found me in the bathroom and called 911, apparently he stuck his finger down my throat to save me once again.
After being at the hospital in Phoenix for a couple of days, under suicide watch they released me into Alex's care. He took me to a shrink who prescribed some anti-depressants. After about 3 months with the shrink I started getting my life on track. Alex helped a lot through the process; he was one of my reasons not to do it again. I didn't want to hurt him again; I didn't want to leave him alone.
