And all shall fade
The flowers of spring
The world and all the sorrow
At the heart of everything.
This scene feels familiar, probably due to the fact that Billy had indulged in similar daydreams, when he imagined what he wanted his first role to be like. Then he got the call, the one he thought he'd hallucinated, too good to be true, until the rehearsal schedule shows up in his email and it hits him all at once.
He got a part. In a show. In a great show, by a small but up and coming company. It's literally his dreams coming true.
He can't help it. Right before he steps through the doors of the rehearsal studio, he pinches himself. Just to be sure.
Nothing. This is real. Billy takes a deep breath, trying to hide his nerves. He's an actor (oh my god, he got a role, he's an actor). He can do this. He can totally pretend he does this all the time. This is totally not his first show since high school.
Thinking about high school is so not a good call, right now. And now he's been standing outside of the studio for too long. He probably looks like some lost child.
"Here for Spring Awakening?"
He jumps, and turns around. Behind him is a willowy blonde girl, beaming down at him. Gosh. She's tall. She looks like a model, all straight lines and soft colours. Billy nods, and returns her smile. It's hard not to. She's practically glowing at him.
"Uh, yeah. I'm Billy."
"Karolina Dean!" She offers him a hand, and he shakes it, feeling accomplished. One cast member met. Only, like, ten to go. And the band. And the stage manager and the director again and the sound and lights people and the costume designer and choreographer and oh man, Billy, you are losing your shit, stop that. "I'm Anna! Who are you?"
It takes him a moment. He almost repeats his name, which would have been mortifying. "Ernst! I'm playing Ernst."
She actually claps her hands together. "That's fantastic! He's my favourite character. I think he was one of the first queer characters I ever encountered? I saw it with my parents, when it toured! I started crying at him and Hänschen's big scene, had to pretend I was still crying over Moritz..." She smiles sheepishly at him, as she reaches past him and opens the door. "I still haven't officially come out to them."
Billy laughs, and follows her into the room. "That's one thing I managed to avoid. I think my mom's known for ages, anyway. She kept pointing out all the nice Jewish boys in our neighbourhood..."
Karolina giggles, and Billy feels himself relax. The instant camaraderie of queerness may be greatly exaggerated by media, but for Billy, who was the only out kid in his high school, it still feels like a big deal, meeting someone who gets it.
Karolina goes to the far wall, where there's already a small pile of backpacks and coats, and they add their things to the collection. Only after Billy's stood up does he let himself look around. There's a stern looking guy next to a big pile of what must be their scripts. He's frowning at a laptop. The stage manager, maybe? There's a gaggle of people off to the side, chatting, and Billy tries not to, he really does, but he can't help but look at them and wonder which one of them he'll be making out with. Every night. In front of a theatre of people.
Stop that.
There's still a few minutes before they're supposed to officially begin, and he should probably say hello to the gaggle of people, or grab a script. He steps forward, steeling himself, but Karolina grabs his arms, surprisingly tight.
"You don't think they'll have us sing today, do you?" She whispers, sounding terrified. "I still have only sung in public once, I am not ready."
He matches her volume. "What about your audition?"
"Yeah. That was the once."
Well. At least he's not the only baby.
"This is my first show," he admits. The door opens, and a few more people file into the room. At the forefront is a tall girl in a purple shirt and huge shades. She walks in like she's ready to command some troops, and Billy thinks he recognizes her from the auditions, although he will admit that he had been so blind with terror he'd be hard pressed to point out any of the people he had met in a lineup. She immediately goes over to the boy with the laptop, and has a hushed conversation with him. He nods, and stands up.
"Okay, hello everyone! We have a few minutes before we start, but we're going to start giving you your scripts, so if you could come over here a few at a time, we can get those to you."
Karolina hasn't let go of his arm, so when she immediately makes a beeline towards the promised scripts, Billy is dragged along behind. Not that he's complaining.
"Hi! I'm Karolina Dean! I'm playing Anna?"
The man nods, and makes a mark on one of the various sheets splayed out in front of him. "Right. Here's your script, and there's a bunch of papers tucked into the front, there. We're gonna go over them all in a minute, so don't worry about those for now."
"Thanks! Uh," her cheeks go red. "I totally forget your name, I'm sorry."
"Oh. David. I'm the stage manager."
"Great!" Her voice shoots dangerously high when she's nervous or embarrassed, apparently. "Awesome, thanks David! Nice to meet you." And then she yanks Billy forward to stand next to her. He nods at David.
"Hey. I'm Billy Kaplan?"
"Our Ernst. Yeah, here."
Our Ernst. He was someone's Ernst. Billy clutches the script to his chest like it's something precious. Because it is.
After they've all gotten their scripts, the girl in purple calls them in. They sit around a few of the tables, pushed together, and Billy's got Karolina on his left and a smiling silver haired boy on his right. Do not let him meet Tommy, Billy makes a mental note. Do not think it would go over well.
When the boy gives him a wink and says his name is Noh, Billy isn't even surprised.
The purple girl introduces herself as Kate, and explains that their director is a bit behind schedule, but as their assistant director, she was going to get them started, and they could go from there.
"Let's just go around and say our names, and who we're playing or what we're doing for the production," she says, with a sigh and a glance at her phone. "We decided that, because of the nature of the show, we wanted the first rehearsal to just be the kids. You'll meet our Adult Woman and Man at the next full cast rehearsal, as well as the rest of the crew." That's good. Less names to memorize all at once. Billy focuses on the girl to Kate's left, and tries to resist taking notes on who was who.
The girl, a strawberry blonde with a big smile and a touch of the South in her voice as she introduces herself as Julie Power. The name sounds vaguely familiar, and judging by Karolina's slightly wide eyed look, Billy figures he can ask her why he knows the name. Googling castmates as he meets them is probably not great form. Julie will be their Wendla.
Next to her is a boy with a smirk that goes straight to Billy's head, if he's being honest, and his cocky attitude makes him want to peg him as his Hänschen, but no, his name is Brandon Sharpe, and he'll be playing Melchior. Then it's a very young-faced Cassie Lang as Thea. Eli Bradley, Otto. Martha is Xavin De'zean, an absolutely striking girl with a gorgeous low alto of a speaking voice that makes Karolina hum under her breath. Noh, who wasn't lying about his name, apparently, is their Georg. Then it's Billy's turn.
He doesn't even stutter or stumble as he says "Ernst. Billy Kaplan." He has a moment to congratulate himself on a job well done, before he realizes he kinda got that backwards. "I mean, I'm Billy Kaplan. Playing Ernst Robel." Oh well. And before he can stop himself, his traitor mouth continues. "Also responses to Patroclus."
Karolina and a few of the others chuckle. Billy smiles. Right. It's not like he's the only nerd her.
On the other side of Karolina is a red-headed boy with a soft voice wrapped in steel. He's Jay Guthrie, not a cast member but their music director, and now Billy places his face, which he saw last behind the piano at his audition. He had been shaking, when he handed his sheet music to the guy. But Jay had given him a big, encouraging smile, and Billy had taken a deep breath and sung his heart out and obviously he'd done well enough to be here. He feels a wave of gratitude towards Jay. He also seems like the perfect counterbalance to the harsh lines that are their Assistant Director and Stage Manager.
After Jay is Ilse, who introduces herself as America Chavez, and that name Billy definitely knows. She's done a stunt job or two with Tommy, if he remembers correctly. She's an intimidating force of a girl, and Billy wonders how she will manage to be on stage and not pull focus from Julie. Although Julie looks like she might be one of those people who is most beautiful when acting.
Damn. This is really happening. Billy knows he's got that grin on his face again, the almost manic one, pure excitement. He can't help it. Their cast looks amazing. They're going to be amazing.
Next to America is Loki, whose introduction as their Moritz is aided by a punch in the arm from America. Obviously, they've worked together before. Billy's already visualizing the show, fitting them in their roles, trying to see it. He kind of gets carried away, and only realizes he's spaced out halfway through the last cast member's introduction.
"-Altman. Teddy, for short. Or Achilles, apparently."
Billy starts, and takes in Hänschen. There's a lot of boy to take in. He's a big blonde with piercings in both ears and the bluest eyes Billy's ever seen. And he's looking right at Billy, smile stuck somewhere between nerves and excitement. Billy mirrors it, and the butterflies in his stomach practically take flight.
"Fantastic," says David, closing the circle with his own introduction. "Let's go over some paperwork, first of all…"
"And then," says Kate, smiling for the first time since she's walked in. "Maybe we can even get to some actual singing."
The readthrough comes first, and Billy finds comfort in the mostly-familiar lines, listens to his cast around him as their voices replace those of the original broadway cast, in his mind. Not everyone is familiar with the show, it seems, which means Billy and Karolina get to shoot each other knowing looks as some of their unsuspecting castmates express their surprise at the tragic turn of the second act. And then, as Kate promised, Jay goes to the piano, and they all pull their chairs around, and they stumble through learning their first song. They start at the end, with A Song of Purple Summer, and it's rough and people stumble and Billy couldn't guess, who has experience and who doesn't. In the end, they get through one full run of the song with no major mess ups, and everyone's smiling with success when they manage it. Their mysterious director hadn't shown up, but Kate gives them all a nod.
"You'll get an email tonight with the rehearsal calls. See you all in the next week. And great work, today." She takes a moment to look at each of them in turn, and by the time she reaches Billy, ad the end of the line, her smile is as big as her own. "We are going to be phenomenal."
The song follows Billy all the way home. He hums it, lets it sink into his pores, until his heart beats in time.
Forget all of the times he daydreamed, or got lost in 'what if's. This time, just this once, real life is better.
"And all shall know the wonder
of purple summer."
