Edd is more than a little anxious about sex (because germs) and at times he becomes really nervous and panics while also beating himself up about it. It's not too bad, but if any of this is upsetting to you please don't read.
This is honestly just sappy and dirty, I swear.
Once Kevin suggests it, Edd begins avoiding him.
He does everything he can to stay away from private places with his boyfriend and definitely doesn't go to Kevin's house. It's not because he's scared or anything ridiculous like that, not of Kevin at least. He's scared of lots of things, really. But Kevin will never be one of them.
Kevin always tries to talk to Edd about his phobias but Edd does everything he can not to. He's honestly too ashamed to admit his own paranoia to Kevin. Paranoia, that's what it is. All it is.
The point is, said paranoia has reared its ugly head and, despite all of his love for Kevin and his common sense, whenever Kevin invites him over or asks him out Edd tells him he has a project to work on or too much homework in order to avoid it.
Edd can tell Kevin knows exactly what's going on but he says nothing. Edd is blessed with a boyfriend that respects that he needs time, Edd can see that he does because Kevin is always showing him such adoration and love, and it makes him feel all the worse.
It shouldn't be that big of a deal.
It's… normal.
It's hardly the most intimate thing Kevin has asked for, or even the most intimate of what Edd has asked for, yet it makes something in Edd's chest tighten and quake with residual fear from all of the phobias he has yet to fully overcome.
He's doing his best to get over them, he really is, and he's done a lot to make progress, and he is making progress, but he's still nervous. Just thinking about it makes him anxious. Makes him feel like his thoughts are running together, going too fast, out of control. He feels shaky and too hot. But inside he knows it's stupid. That's the thing though, fears aren't logical.
Edd studies sex because he knows knowledge is power especially in these situations. He's read all about a certain sex act since Kevin brought it up. At this point he knows just what to do to avoid all of the things about it which make him nervous yet he still worries something will go wrong. He's even tried to prepare on his own without telling Kevin because he would hate to get his hopes up just to disappoint him.
Not too long ago he had bought supplies, intending them for penetrative sex whenever the two of them got around to it, but he had never opened them until recently. He only did when he decided he needed to know just how it works. Surprisingly, it had only made him more embarrassed about the whole thing.
This has gone on for a week now and his body is beginning to feel the effects of going without Kevin's touch, not simply through his mounting desire and stress but in the actual movement of his body, in his muscles and his skin, which is disturbing yet exhilarating in the most inexplicable of ways.
Up until Kevin's request, the two boys had been preparing for penetrative sex. Their days were spent together at Kevin's home but they almost always found themselves spending the night at Edd's, as his parents are regularly away. There they curl up together, Kevin cradling Edd to his chest, his fingers working Edd open a little more each night. He's always so thorough and gentle, always eager to do anything that Edd asks… If only Edd could be the same.
Even this took a good deal of time for Edd to warm up to. It's just so… unsanitary. Filthy. Nasty.
It makes Edd hard just thinking about how wrong it is and that alone disturbs him more than anything else.
The first night after Kevin's request, Edd insisted they stay at Kevin's rather than trek back to his house, giving him an excuse to avoid sex.
The second night they went back to Edd's house but Edd, embarrassed though he was, made sure he and Kevin both came before Kevin could even get his pants off; his boyfriend had been too satisfied to question it. He's still not sure why his chest tightened and his breaths became labored when the man he's been with for years, trusted with his heart, body and mind, moved to remove his clothing. It's almost as if, after all of this time and all of their progress, he is regressing.
The third night Edd claimed he needed to get a good deal of sleep for his big test the next day and Kevin had only chuckled and pressed a kiss to Edd's forehead with a fond murmur of "Double Dork". That had really gotten to Edd. It touched something deep within his chest and set him aflame with love and adoration but also lust which was stupid - it was just a little kiss, just a nickname.
Edd fears he's becoming a pervert of some sort.
When he got in bed he was so hot that he couldn't help but finger himself, keening when he realized his muscles had already begun to tighten again without Kevin's nightly ministrations. Somehow that was sexier than anything else he's experienced, realizing how his body has grown to need and respond to Kevin's touch so acutely.
The following nights were much the same as the first, but Edd couldn't help but masturbate once he was alone, mind filled with images of Kevin doing the same. Was he as affected by this sudden lack of intimacy as Edd? Was he desperate and hungry for it, just as his boyfriend was? Did he think of him?
He told himself that he was doing this to keep his body in a proper state. Even that felt dirty.
Somehow, adding to Edd's compounding problem, their sudden abstinence became a turn on in and of itself. Every day they went without, Edd desired more, so much so that his fear has been fading in the face of his mounting lust.
Now, with the seventh night approaching, Edd knows Kevin has almost reached his limit because he has too.
He's so upset about the situation - no, not the situation but his inability to get over his fears - that he's been contemplating it all day. Even throughout class he's been so focused on Kevin and that single, measly request that he misses parts of his teacher's lesson.
Edd stays after to watch Kevin at practice, trying to catch up on what he missed in class and getting his homework done. He of course manages to get it all finished by the time Kevin is done with practice but, as guilty as it makes him, Edd will still have to use it as an excuse to go home early.
Kevin comes out of the locker room, his hair still wet from the showers, laughing and smiling with his teammates, all green eyes and lopsided smile. Edd's chest swells at the sight and all of his guilt comes crashing down on him.
Kevin is a dream. Practically perfect in every way. He's kind and so much more patient when it comes to intimacy than most boys their age, not to mention his patience in regards to Edd's phobias and obsessive tendencies. Everything is always slow, romantic and gentle with him no matter what, even in this situation.
It's just a simple request… So simple… why not give it a try?
"Hey baby," Kevin breathes and presses a kiss to his boyfriends temple. Behind him his teammates catcall and pretend to swoon making their captain roll his eyes. "Ready to go home?"
Edd smiles shyly, suddenly feeling butterflies swelling in his stomach. He takes Kevin's hand when it's offered to him, twining their fingers together. "Hey, Kevin?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm ready…"
Kevin looks down at him with almost comically huge eyes. "For…"
"Penetration. And… your other request, that is if you still want to…"
Kevin practically drags Edd the rest of the way to his bike, the smaller boy laughing the whole way. His elation drowns out any and all fear.
It simultaneously feels like seconds and an eternity between that moment and the moment Edd's knees meet the side of his bed and Kevin is climbing over him.
The anxiety begins to burn within him once more, making his mouth dry and his throat tight. His breaths become tense and sharp, his eyes on Kevin yet unseeing.
Kevin remains calm despite the sudden panic written all over his boyfriend's face and he gently rolls off of him. Lying by his side, Kevin slips his hand into Edd's and his eyes suddenly light up, flicking to meet Kevin's.
"It's okay," he says gently. "I've got you. Nothing bad can happen when I'm with you."
"But-"
"Edd, it's okay. Germs, messiness - whatever it is you're worried about right now - it's okay. I promise."
Edd gulps, blue eyes suddenly soft and thankful. "What if you get sick?"
"From what? You're a virgin, I'm a virgin. No STDs or deadly diseases. Not even a single cold sore," he adds teasingly.
"Cold sores are nothing to laugh at, Kevin!" he quips, his eyes wide and voice taking on that "teacher tone" but it's still high with nerves and fear.
"I know, I'm sorry, baby…" Kevin mumbles, pressing an apologetic kiss to his boyfriend's cheek. He cups Edd's face and runs his thumb over the boy's olive skin.
Edd lets out a soft sigh as his blue eyes meet Kevin's green. Kevin's gaze is so kind and gentle that Edd's heart swells with so much love he feels it may spill from his chest but his guilt also builds up in the pit of his stomach. How could he put his boyfriend through all of this over something so ridiculous?
"I thought I had upset you…" Kevin says softly, brows furrowed slightly and his beautiful eyes filled with worry. His hand sliding under Edd's shirt to stroke his rough thumb over the boy's hipbone. "I don't want to push you. I'm ready but I can wait."
"No!" Edd says far too shrilly and Kevin raises an eyebrow, characteristic sardonicism written all over his face. "Oh no, Kevin - I was just nervous. I'm so sorry for making you feel-"
Kevin hushes him with a chaste kiss. "Let's wait, okay?"
Edd makes a noise of discontent, winding his arms around Kevin's neck. "No, no, no! I don't mean," he blushes brilliantly, "penetration…"
Kevin chuckles softly, his own hands slipping off Edd's hat in order to stroke through his hair. He used to get angry - that's the only way to describe it, angry - at the overwhelming tightness that forms in his chest each time he so much as looks at the other, at the jealousy which seizes him when anyone so much as touches Double D, or the heat that rises to his cheeks unbidden each time Edd smiles. But now he revels in it. Basks in it. He's completely in awe of this beautiful, brilliant, completely and utterly insane boy.
Continued at archiveofourown /works/5934748
