It was difficult to miss the person in military fatigues who sat nervously in the busy waiting room at Holby General. The reception staff were well used to seeing their fair share of oddities; stag night party goers in ridiculous costumes, idiotic dares ending in bloodshed and kids with all manner of bizarre things stuck in various orifices. But soldiers and emergency service personnel were something different, a kinship was instinctively felt between these people who gave their lives to help and save others. The uniformed woman anxiously chewed on her nails and bounced her legs on her toes, seemingly deep in thought. Sandra, a twenty-something, slim African woman, nudged her receptionist colleague and pointed to their interesting visitor.
"Do you think I should go over? She's been waiting there ages. Looks quite worried too, poor thing." Stanley, a rotund, grey-haired caucasian man, looked at her and shook his head.
"Oh no, she's waiting for that new surgeon, the one from the army who was on Darwin as a patient for a while. Major Wolfe was actually in theatre when she arrived."
"Ah, okay." Sandra's interest was suitably piqued and she thought to keep an eye on the woman. And maybe bring her a cup of tea, it looked like she could really do with one.
Guy shook Bernie's hand firmly and congratulated her on a job well done. It had been a lengthy and complicated surgery but Bernie's confidence in her own ability was unshakable. She'd had to perform similar surgeries in less than ideal circumstances on the battlefield, so the luxury of an abundantly equipped and stable operating room was child's play in comparison. The hardest part of her new role was navigating the interpersonal relationships of the staff. Guy was undoubtedly a brilliant surgeon, she was a walking testament to that, but he was arrogant and bullish and she had a feeling he always had to have the last word in an argument. Which meant she would have to pick her battles very carefully in future.
Once Bernie had changed out of her surgical scrubs, she made her way over to her office to get her lunch. She thought that 2:45pm was a comparatively reasonable time to be chomping on her long-since prepared sandwiches. She considered grabbing a coffee at some point though; she'd virtually existed on the industrial strength stuff out in the field and found that she still needed several caffeine boosts throughout the day back here in Holby.
Upon arriving at her desk Bernie spied a note stuck to her computer monitor. 'Visitor 4U in reception. 13:10, Stanley.' Her eyebrows knitted in confusion, she'd not been expecting anyone today. She'd caught up with the kids less than a week ago and Marcus would be busy and held up at work until very late, just as she usually was.
After she and Marcus had shared a moment together after her surgery, Bernie had taken his ultimatum more seriously. However, a niggly voice inside of her knew that it was more guilt than anything else that had made her take the posting at Holby General. Deep down, in the very back of her mind, this was simply an interim arrangement, designed to keep her hand in and occupied whilst she recovered from her own surgery.
All in all, she'd been given six months to pass the next medical; just over eight weeks since the surgery and she was ready to begin some light training, as long as she could keep it from Marcus that was. She needed to prove to herself that she was going to make a full recovery, even if she wasn't intending to take up her commission. She wouldn't be able to do anything too strenuous for another month but at least she had something to keep her physically and mentally active.
Bernie took a couple of bites of her sandwich and discarded the rest. Whoever had stopped by had been waiting some time already by the looks of things. She appeared at the reception desk and spotted her straight away, seated in the waiting area. How could she not have been drawn to that uniform? The mystery woman looked up and into Bernie's eyes, the relief in them and in her expression was visible. Stanley had spied the army medic out of the corner of his eye and went to say something but Bernie held a hand out to stop him.
"I've seen her, thanks." She hadn't even looked at him, unable to break eye contact with the tall, slender brunette. She inclined her head and beckoned her visitor to follow her. The younger woman smiled, picked up her fully loaded rucksack and stood up to join Bernie on the other side of the public area. Always a quick witted quip on the tip of her tongue, Bernie was, for once, lacking in anything meaningful to say to her guest. They fell into a practiced pace with each other, the other woman simply content to follow the Major wherever she led them.
Bernie's office was big enough. A networked PC sat on top of a desk that stood in front of the window; the desk faced towards the door as opposed to the view. There was a chair behind the desk and two in front of it for patients, colleagues or visitors. A filling range stood chock full of medical journals, case histories and other useful paraphernalia on the right hand wall and some framed landscape pictures had been hung on the left for decorative purposes. Bernie ushered the younger woman in and locked the door behind her. She then shut and pulled down the slatted blinds at the front of the office. She stood staring at the closed door for a few moments before she heard the other woman's heavy rucksack drop to the ground. Her freshly repaired heart beat faster and slow, warm tears crept down her cheeks. Bernie turned around and finally addressed her visitor.
"Alex…" The woman's name was spoken reverently and almost as though she couldn't quite believe her own eyes.
"Oh Bernie!" The younger woman had immediately spotted her lover's tears and within a couple of strides stood in front of her. She placed her hands on the surgeon's narrow hips and pulled her body against her own. Bernie dipped her head so that her cheek was resting against Alex's breastbone and she could wrap her arms all the way around her. The fierceness of the older woman's grip neither surprised nor hurt her and she welcomed it with relief. It also meant that she could feel her lover's shoulders shaking as she sobbed into her military green tee-shirt. On duty, Bernie was as hard as nails, tough and ready for action at the drop of a hat. She survived in a man's world and the only way she could do that was to focus on the task at hand and bottle up her emotions. Besides, it had been an intrinsic coping mechanism for her personally too. Alex not only understood that but was also privileged enough to be the one that Bernie confided in, expressed any moments of doubt and completely let her guard down in front of.
Having spent more than two months apart, not entirely sure how the other was truly faring, and straight after the IED incident, the separation had weighed heavily on them both. Bernie had kept it together as best she could; burying herself into this new role and dealing with Marcus as and when required, but she'd had no one to properly talk things over with and she'd yet to deal with the trauma of the accident and her injuries. Alex hadn't been much better, entrusted with keeping Bernie's operating theatre afloat without her just hadn't felt right. The Major ran a tight ship and they worked together seamlessly but Alex didn't have quite the same presence that her lover did. The other medics had been happy to follow her orders and respected her authority but the atmosphere and camaraderie just wasn't the same without Bernie.
Alex cradled the back of Bernie's head in her hand and kissed the top of her hair. For once the older woman could let go and express her worries and insecurities without losing face.
"Ssh, it's okay. I'm here." Alex continued to murmur placating nonsense and ran her fingers soothingly through her lover's hair until the tears had subsided. Bernie gave an undignified sniff and raised her head from the other woman's chest. She pressed a gentle kiss on the vacant spot before looking up at the very patient woman who had been holding onto her just as tightly. Bernie then stood up fully, steadying her hands on Alex's hips as she met her eyes.
"Sorry, that wasn't exactly the way I'd planned to say hello." She gave an embarrassed shrug of her shoulders and Alex grinned in response.
"So what would you have…" The question died in her throat as Bernie had seemingly recovered herself enough to place each of her hands either side of Alex's cheeks and pulled her in for a searing kiss. Thank goodness her lover had thought to lock the door! Alex didn't want anything to interrupt this long-awaited moment, especially since Bernie's tongue was very welcome just where it was. Unfortunately the need to breathe meant they did have to part lips eventually. Alex could tell that Bernie was also conscious of where exactly they were standing, which was an ingrained method of self-preservation from when they were within range of comrades and hadn't wanted to be discovered.
"Hello you." Bernie's naturally husky voice sent a wave of longing through Alex and she was glad she still had purchase on her to keep herself upright.
"Hello. I've missed you."
"I've missed you too. How's my theatre? Still standing and fully operational I hope?" Bernie's voice was short and sharp, exactly the tone she used when barking out instructions or asserting her authority.
"It's been well looked after in your absence, Major. I promise. Though, I'm not sure I'm quite up to your exacting standard." They both chuckled briefly before Alex addressed what she'd been so nervous about before. "You haven't written much. Haven't called either. I've been going out of my mind wondering if there was something you weren't telling me." Bernie swallowed down further tears and decided to deal with this like she dealt with everything else; head on. She took a step back from Alex, deliberately putting the physical distance between them. She was ashamed but also trying to protect her resolve, not that it had worked so far today.
"It was easier because I hadn't seen you. I didn't have to look you in the eye and tell you that it was over." At that, Alex gasped in shock and she stumbled slightly, as though she'd been punched in the stomach.
"I don't understand." Alex's tone and body language was as perplexed as she was.
"I'm not entirely sure I do either. Perhaps this is better sitting down?" Alex nodded her head and Bernie pulled out the two chairs by the desk for them to sit on. She couldn't completely let go of the younger woman so caught her hand and held it tightly in her own lap. "I'm doing this for Marcus and the kids..."
"Well, that's bollocks and you know it!" Bernie tried to use her infamous glare on Alex but the younger woman was immune to it now. She changed to a softer tone of voice "What's scared you?" Bernie looked pained and then Alex could see that her defences had been raised.
"I can't…" Bernie shook her head and felt unable to continue.
"You're not doing this to me Bernie, to us. Not after everything we've been through together!"
"I'm married! I have children. You've always known that."
"You're only 'married' when it suits, it's a technicality. And your kids are adults with their own lives, you're the one who keeps telling me that! You're running from something, what is it?"
"I'm not running away from anything and nothing has scared me. It was always going to come to this, you must have known that?" It would have sounded very convincing if Alex hadn't known Bernie better. They'd known each other for five years, been lovers for nearly two. You didn't spend that amount of time with someone, in those circumstances and not learn an important thing or two about them.
"What about your extended commission? You were delighted when you were asked." Bernie's face fell slightly and then Alex was absolutely certain this wasn't what she really wanted, not deep down. It was so out of character for her lover to concede so easily, to go so completely against her own philosophy.
"My priorities are different now."
"Who to?"
"My family, they've been neglected for too long." Alex thought it was a bit late for Bernie to be regretting spending the last eighteen years or so concentrating on her career instead of her family. They'd talked about the sacrifices she'd made over the years but she'd always been thoroughly convinced she had made the right decisions in the end, for everyone. Her kids were well educated, rounded individuals with a grown up outlook on life. And they were living independently of their parents, unlike most of their peers.
"So that's it then? Just like that it's over? I thought we cared about each other, I thought it was more… You know that I lo..." Bernie held a hand up in front of her to stop her from continuing and cut her off.
"Don't! Don't say it!"
"We keep having this conversation. Just because you won't let me say the words out loud, doesn't make my feelings any less true. You know exactly how I feel about you and I know how you feel about me."
"I'm sorry, but it's over." Alex didn't believe any of this for a moment. She knew Bernie too well by now; in their five year acquaintance they had been through the worst of times and some of the best. Some of which had been before they became lovers and some since. The deafening silence stretched out between them and seemingly signalled the end of the conversation. Alex couldn't say that she was surprised the older woman had shut it down. When she was like this there was no getting through to her. Alex stood sharply and hoisted her backpack over her shoulder. However, Bernie caught Alex's arm as she turned to leave.
"How long are you here for?" There was a desperate plea in her voice and Alex wasn't sure if Bernie had even realised it was there.
"I'd planned to stay best part of a week. I'm not so sure now. I'm going to see Mum afterwards, whenever that may be.." The grief on Bernie's face was visible and Alex's heart almost stopped beating with the crushing pain. She sighed deeply and then granted Bernie a reprieve. "Look, I'm booked into the Travelodge in town. I'll be there until the end of the weekend at least." She wasn't going to chase, Alex had never chased a woman in her life and she wasn't about to start now. Bernie was a grown up and even if this was the most stupid decision she'd ever made in her life, it was hers to make. The older woman could make the effort to come and find her if she was so inclined and if she really wanted to see her that was.
