A/N: Quisty's POV. I do NOT own FF8 or Quistis Trepe, who is copyrighted by Squaresoft.
Tired.
So tired of everything.
Tired of having everything I've ever worked for destroyed, taken away. To almost savour the sweet taste of success…and before I can reach whatever I've worked for, to plummet into the depths of failure.
Failure.
Isn't that what I am?
Isn't that what they told me I was? A failure as an instructor? They're probably right. I can't do anything right at all. Useless…hopeless…What am I besides a failure? I'm just plain weak…Seifer was so right.
Mediocre instructor.
Two words, two short words…and they sum up what I am. Good-for-nothing. Failure. Mediocre.
I promised myself once that I would never cry no matter what. No matter what happened. I would not cry.
Then why am I crying now?
Why is silver rain trickling down my cheeks?
No. No. Quistis Trepe. You must not cry. You cannot cry. You have to present a cool and collected face to the world. You have to show the whole bloody Garden the side of you they call the Ice Queen. No matter how much you cry inside, you must never let yourself show it in public.
…If I can't show it to anyone…why did I confide in Squall?
Why?
Am I really as strong as I was supposed to be?
Or am I just a weakling?
I think the latter's more plausible, somehow.
A weakling instructor.
True.
Words only sting if they've got some truth to them. That's why it hurt so much when Seifer called me a mediocre instructor. I knew he was correct so long ago…but I didn't want to admit it to myself. As long as I stayed an instructor I could cling to that fragile thread of delusions. But when the thread snapped it hurt more. Because nothing now can deny the fact that Seifer spoke the truth.
Nothing now can deny the fact that I am a failure.
Not just as an instructor.
At everything.
I feel like I've let everyone down. The Trepies. They looked up to me…and all I showed them was a failure….and I've let myself down, too. I've let myself down. What I worked so hard for is gone.
Why does it have to happen to me?
But I already know the answer: Because you weren't good enough.
I don't want to admit it, but I have to.
I hate to face this shattering reality, but I have to.
I was not good enough… I was useless, then. Useless to everyone, to everything. And the blinding reality spills over in a sudden, shocking, single but oh so painful blast to my soul.
Did I help or merely hinder?
I don't know…
But what I do know is that my soul has been shattered, and even if I do become an instructor again someday the scars of this will still remain. A wound that will never close entirely…
Because the truth of what it told me has embedded itself inside the depths of my soul.
~*~
A/N: All right. This Quistis POV after she lost her instructor's licence…was completed after I went through the same experience. And let me tell you, it hurts. So I'm writing from my own feelings…do tell me what you think of this, because in some way I'm pouring out my soul.
