Hello! I have a short story here based on the first year anniversary of the crash. This is three chapters long, and should be updated tomorrow and the day after. I hope you enjoy! Would you mind leaving your thoughts on it? Thank you. (I've found bold text looks to clunky for my liking in my stories, I'm trying out italic A/Ns.)
Ethan rolled over onto his side, letting a couple of tears fall onto the pillow below him. He felt dreadful. A year previously, on today's exact date, a Holby van got sideswiped. Ethan was driving, and he blamed himself. He thought he'd managed to forget all about the crash. Apart from the scar on his chest, that is. But Jeff died. He died on duty, because of that crash. Obviously his wife, Dixie, was distraught. She'd taken to blaming a fellow colleague Ash because Jeff was in the van after getting Ash out. Obviously it wasn't Ash's fault.
It was Ethan's fault.
If he hadn't been driving, if he looked properly, if he knew the way... it was his fault. Cal knew this - he was the only one who knew - and had managed to semi-convince Ethan out of this state of mind last year. It had taken quite a long time, especially because Ethan's confidence took quite a knock after the crash. He had to make all the right decisions, get every move right to keep any patient he had alive and well. That would be enough to tip anyone off their game.
But a year on brings back everything wrong. All the things Ethan could have changed to stop Dixie from losing her husband.
Ethan heard his alarm go off and stopped the constant ringing noise. He almost wanted to take the day off work - avoid the place he almost died in in a year previously, but that would be suspicious. It was like missing school on the one day you had an exam. Everyone knew why you skipped school, and the teacher would be on your back 24/7 afterwards.
Ethan practically rolled out of bed and started to get ready, dreading what the day's events would lead to. He really didn't want to go into work and have to treat patients in the state of mind he was in. He looked down at his bare chest and ran a finger across the scar on his left side. How much he wanted to get rid of the constant reminder. He thought he could forget all about the crash, but he saw that mark every single day. He'd learnt to ignore it over the past year, it almost didn't phase him, but now it was like floodlights. And he really wished it wasn't.
"You not hungry today, bro?" Cal asked cheerfully as he finished off his toast. Cal had noticed Ethan sleeping in a bit so decided he would make his brother some breakfast (and he hadn't neglected to notice the date, either). All he received was a short shake of a head from Ethan, who looked drained of energy. "You know," he lowered his voice and leaned closer to his little brother, "you don't have to go in today, Ethan." He said sensitively. Ethan looked up.
"Why wouldn't I go in?" He asked with fake confusion.
"I'm not stupid, Ethan. I know what the date is today," Cal mentioned, placing a hand on his brother's which the younger immediately shrugged off.
Ethan leaned back in his chair, trying and failing to look relaxed. "It doesn't matter what the date is, Cal. I am as fit to work as I was yesterday." He smiled. "Speaking of work, we're going to be late. Do you want to drive, or shall I?" Cal looked closely at his brother. There was definitely a physical change in his appearance.
He had bags under his eyes, his eyes were missing their usual glint and sparkle, he looked drained and he was slumped in his chair. He wasn't the usual Ethan at all.
"I'll drive," Cal said. He could have sworn Ethan let out a breath of relief and looked slightly less pale. He remembered Ethan practically collapsing with worry after getting out the taxi last year after being discharged. Cal had to try and persuade Ethan to try driving again, and eventually he found the courage to. But an exact year after probably wasn't the right time to get back behind the wheel of a car.
Ethan could feel his brother occasionally looking at him, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get to work, get through the day, go home, and then sleep off the rest - knowing that he would have made it through the day without anything going wrong.
But that just didn't seem possible.
He knew there would be reminders of the crash. Dixie for one. He hoped he wouldn't see her - he would just feel even more sorts of horrible. She lost her husband a year ago, and she would probably be emotional or upset. If Ethan saw her, he knew he would only make it worse. Ethan still believed, deep down, she blamed him. Cal had tried to convince him out of this, and even though Dixie openly blamed Ash for Jeff's death, Ethan couldn't help but think that was a cover-up. Ethan, himself, crashed the car.
Then he felt the car speed up, and saw the miles per hour dial rise. He started to feel his chest get tighter as he wondered why Cal was going so fast. If Cal was going so fast, he might not be concentrating on the road, he could crash the car - just like Ethan did. He could die, and so could Ethan. They would crash, and Ethan really didn't want that to happen.
"Cal..." his voice was strained, "please slow down." He pleaded, gripping onto the sides of his seat as he struggled to contain tears of fear. He noticed Cal shoot a worried glance at him, then check the speedometer.
"We're not going fast, Ethan." Cal informed him.
"We are, Cal... please... slow down..." Ethan swallowed nervously as his eyes pricked with tears. He had to contain them, but he didn't think he could. Everything seemed a blur and his chest was getting tighter.
The car started slowing down and he realised Cal had pulled over. Cal unbuckled his seatbelt, got out of the car and went to Ethan's door. Ethan watched it open then looked at Cal - scared.
"Come outside, Eth," he suggested soothingly. "Come on."
Ethan slowly unbuckled his seatbelt, shakily climbing out of the car. He practically fell onto Cal as his legs turned to jelly. He held onto him as if his life depended on it. He felt Cal stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort to him.
"It will be okay, Ethan." He whispered, "it'll all be fine."
Ethan heard the background noise of sirens and clung to Cal - remembering that horrid noise he heard last year. He sobbed into Cal's chest, gripping onto him like a life-line. His breaths were coming in hiccuping gasps as he tried and failed not to cry. "Why where you going to fast?" He asked slowly, the question being broken up every so often as he tried to breathe deeply.
Ethan felt his shoulders being pushed back as his brother looked into his eyes and held his arms. "Ethan, I wasn't going very fast. It just seemed fast to you, alright?" Cal raised his eyebrows.
"B-but... it was so... so fast..." Ethan stumbled, breathing still shallow.
Cal shook his head, "trust me, Ethan. It wasn't, alright. Come here." Ethan lent up against his brother again and cried.
By the time Ethan had calmed down enough to get back into the car, they were twenty minutes late. Cal had explained how it wasn't fast and how Ethan was just scared, and Ethan accepted this - though now, Ethan was refusing to talk to Cal. Cal suspected it was because he had already given into whatever he didn't want to give into.
Cal had noticed Ethan trying to be strong, trying to forget about it - and that had broken before they'd even reached work. Although Ethan was reluctant to get back into the car and reluctant to go to work, Cal had managed to persuade him.
Now all he had to do was get Ethan out of the car.
"Come on, Ethan. You have to go in." Ethan was leaning with his head against the window, tear tracks still on his cheeks, his eyes still red and puffy. "Talk to me, at least. Tell me what you're thinking."
Ethan just sniffed.
"Please, Ethan. You can't shut me out forever. If you tell me now, it will be easier going in there knowing I've got your back if something goes wrong."
"Even you think I'm going to fail." Through the blankness of his voice, Cal could tell there was a hint of hurt there.
"No, Ethan. Of course I don't. I'm just saying if. I bet I'll do something wrong today - like flirting with a patient unknowingly in front of Mrs Beauchamp." Ethan laughed slightly. "I just want the day to run smoothly for you, Ethan."
Ethan looked at Cal and Cal could see how worried he actually was. "But what if I do mess up... and someone else dies..."
"Someone else?" Ethan looked down. "You mean Jeff." Cal said in realisation. "His death was a tragic accident, Eth. I thought you knew this."
"I thought I did too." Ethan said brokenly, rubbing his hand under his running nose. "But I keep thinking about it... and I know what I could have done... to... to stop it."
Cal slung an arm around Ethan, and was surprised when he didn't shrug it off. "Right, we're going to go in there, face whatever the day throws at us, then go to the pub after work, get hammered, and turn up to work with a hangover and a couple of girlfriends in the morning." Cal decided. By the way Ethan looked at him, Cal could tell he wasn't sure whether he was being serious or not, and to be honest, Cal, himself, didn't know either.
He could practically pin-point the moment his little brother slipped a mask in place and put on a brave face. Cal could, obviously, see right through it - but Ethan put up a good fight.
"Ready?"
"As I'll ever be," Ethan replied honestly.
He felt sick.
Dixie was bringing in a patient, and Ethan was leading on this case. But he couldn't. He was following the trolley, looking at the patient and looking at Dixie and Iain, and giving the overall impression that he was listening. He wasn't though, and despite the problems this would cause, he didn't care. He was too focused on the fact that his patient was the driver of the car accident, and it seemed he wasn't the only one affected.
Dixie looked pale and worn out, and despite Ethan wanting to help her, he didn't even feel confident in himself.
Ethan blew out a breath. He didn't listen to a word the paramedics said - and that meant he couldn't treat his patient.
He really needed to treat this patient. He watched as Dixie and Iain left, and felt rather than saw Dixie stroke his arm before they departed. Then Ethan watched his patient. He was slowly deteriorating and Ethan didn't know what to do. He didn't know what was wrong, he didn't dare look at the monitors, and he realised everyone had gone quiet.
They were looking at him for instructions.
Instructions he just couldn't give.
