Finally open my arms wide
Finally I let you inside
Finally made it past the end
To finally begin
The hours we keep, the days we save
They add up to years, now face to face
With you by my side, now I can stand, to finally begin
-Finally Begin, Cold War Kids
Chapter 1
He slowly starts to blink his eyes. The bright fluorescent lights are burning his retinas as he tries to make out the shapes of the people standing over his bed. He can barely hear the voices around him— they sound miles away. Like he is underwater and can't break through to the surface.
Eventually, the voices become clearer. "Mr. Mellark? Peeta? Can you hear me?"
Peeta attempts to place his arm over his eyes, trying his best to block out the painful light, but all of the tubing attached to his veins is preventing him. He slams his arm back down in frustration. His throat is dry and sore—it feels like he hasn't had water for days. He tries to reply, but the words are stuck, and the best he can get out is a muffled grunt of understanding.
A male voice becomes clearer to him, "Peeta, you are in the hospital. Your cousin has requested that you be brought to our care at Panhandle Emergency Mental Health Facility. What is the last thing you remember?"
Peeta clears his throat, trying his best to get out what he needs to say. His voice is rough and barely audible. "I had the knife to my wrist. Delly was banging on the bathroom door for me to open it. I'd been drinking."
The man nods. "Well, apparently you were successful at cutting yourself. When the ambulance finally arrived, you'd lost quite a bit of blood. You are lucky that you had someone there with you."
Peeta snorts. "Yeah, real lucky." His eyes are finally coming into focus; he can make out the figure of a short, balding, middle-aged man in a white coat. "Who are you?"
"My name is Dr. Charles Aurelius. I'll be your individual therapist while you are here. You'll visit with other doctors too, but you will be required to meet with me, once a day, every day, until you are released."
Peeta raises his free arm, and pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "How long am I going to be here? And, for the love of god, could someone get me some water and something for a headache?"
Suddenly, a nurse he hadn't even realized was standing next to the bed, thrusts her hands out in front of him, each holding a small paper cup. Peeta slides upwards, sitting up in the bed. He takes the cups from her and tosses the pills from the first one in his mouth and then downs the water in the other. After he's swallowed, he starts to look around. The room is somehow both bright and dreary. Everything looks worn. The walls look to have been painted white at one time, but over the years they have yellowed, and are covered in scuff marks and stains. Anything that isn't the dirty walls or faded white and grey linoleum floor is covered in heavy orange or brown fabric. The monitors are steadily beeping behind him. Each beat of his heart through the machine sends a sharp pain in his head—he seems to be battling the worst hangover he's ever had in his life.
"Mr. Mellark, we understand that you have recently gone through a very traumatic experience. The pain and sadness you are feeling is perfectly normal. I wish you would have gotten help before this attempt on your life, but now that you are here, I really hope you see this as an opportunity to heal and help you get on with your life."
Peeta clenches his teeth while sneering at the doctor, sending shooting pains through his jaw and head; his anger overflows. "You have no idea what you are talking about! You lose your entire family and tell me how easily you can get on with your life. Tell me how to get past the guilt, when you know they would still be alive if you had just been there. Or, better yet, tell me how to get through
the days where you wish you just died with them! I lost my dad, mom, and two brothers in one night—tell me how to get over that." His demeanor changes, he raises the octave of his voice, and mocks him in a condescending tone. "Are you going to fix it doctor? You gonna make it all better? I'd love for you to fucking try." He glares at the doctor, crossing his arms over his chest. But giving credit to Dr. Aurelius's professionalism, he remains stoic and unflinching.
"You are right. I have no firsthand experience of the pain you are going through right now—but what I can offer you is my extensive knowledge of grief counseling and years of practice as a mental health professional. I hope to do my best to get you through this. You are a strong, handsome, young man with his entire life ahead of him. I want to help you be able to enjoy it one day. Because, the harsh truth is we cannot bring back your loved ones. But we can live in a waythat will not make their lives in vain; I hope to help you realize that one day." Dr. Aurelius turns to leave the room, but pauses before the door and turns back to Peeta with stern eyes. "Peeta—one more thing before I go to check on other patients. I expect you to be in group therapy tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. It is required and a nurse will come by in the morning to get you up in time for a short orientation of PanEm beforehand. They will let you know the rules here and meal times. We are regimented here, but we find that if we give patients schedules, it helps with a sense of familiarity, and that seems to put people in your situation more at ease. The medicine you took should help you sleep through the night, and I look forward to talking with you at length tomorrow." And with that, he exits the room, leaving Peeta alone with the nurse.
A few moments later, the drugs begin to take effect. The nurse places a couple of pillows behind him. "Are you comfortable, sir?" She asks.
Peeta nods. "I'm as comfortable as can be expected right now. Thanks." She gives him a soft, warm smile.
"Try to get some rest. Nurse Trinket will be by in the morning to get you up. She's a sweet woman—you'll like her." He watches the nurse make her way through the room; she's a very pretty, young, light skinned black woman.
Peeta smiles a little. "Will you be back again?" he asks.
She smirks. "I work the night shift and I'm assigned to your hallway, so I'd say the odds are in your favor that I will be seeing you again. If you need anything Mr. Mellark, my name is Portia, and you can use the button by the bed to call for me."
Peeta suddenly feels the warm haze of sleep pull him in, before she even turns out the lights.
What feels like only moments later, he hears a shrill, chirpy voice call to him.
"Up, up, up! It's going to be a big, big, big day!"
Peeta groggily opens his eyes, and sees the woman who must be Nurse Trinket. She is a tall, thin woman with a plain face, who feels the need to wear too much garish makeup and overly colorful scrubs to make up for it. She flings the curtains open, letting the bright daylight pour into the room; it covers everything in the cast of white and hope that Peeta doesn't feel he deserves.
He sits up and swings his legs around, well, leg and a half, to try and get off the bed. He notices that he is no longer attached to any wires or tubes. "What happened to the I.V.?"
"Oh, nurses came by through the night to monitor you. You know, check your blood pressure and remove all of the things you didn't need." She pauses before continuing. "Do you need any help getting your leg on or getting out of bed? Those sleep medications can leave you a little groggy and wobbly in the mornings."
Peeta slides the stocking over the stump right below his knee. "No, I feel fine—I've got it. I've had this longer than the real thing, so I'm used to it."
She nods and walks away from the window to stand beside him. She points to the door next to the room entrance. "There is your restroom. You have time to take a quick shower if you'd like. I brought fresh towels with me and your cousin packed a bag for you and brought it late last night. Just be sure you don't get your arm wet—we don't want you to get water in your bandages. But someone will have to be with you while you bathe, and I can get a male nurse if you'd like. You are a high risk patient and we must monitor you at all times."
Peeta sighs heavily before responding. "I don't care if you see me naked. I have a sneaking suspicion that both self preservation and dignity have been thrown out the window in this place." He scratches the stubble on his face. "Can I shave?"
Nurse Trinket shakes her head. "Unfortunately, no—not yet. The doctors will need to evaluate you first. You are under our heaviest restrictions right now due to the nature of your self-inflicted injuries. I'm sorry."
He stands up, a little shakier than he had anticipated, but makes his way to the restroom. "Can I take a piss in private or do you need to watch that, too?"
"No, you can do that yourself, but you do need to have the door cracked. As soon as you are finished, open the door back up before starting the shower."
Peeta rolls his eyes. "This is ridiculous. Fuck it, I'll just go with the door open."
The nurse shakes her head. "It's not like I get some kind of pleasure out of this. It's the rules, and you should learn now that it is easier just to follow them while you're here."
But he barely listens as he relieves himself. He flushes the toilet and turns around to grab the towels from the nurse. "I'm going to turn on the shower now, make sure you get a good look." He knows it's not her fault, but she is conveniently there for him to direct all of his frustration onto.
She rolls her eyes and steps into the small restroom. "You have 10 minutes, so you'll need to be quick."
He undresses after turning on the water, and just does his best to ignore the odd woman who is half watching him bathe. He's quiet the whole time, lost in thought over the entire situation. This isn't him—he's always been friendly and kind. The hostile person he has been portraying since his family's accident is new and foreign to him; but it feels like the only thing he has left anymore. His pain is making him lose the person he once was. Every day feels like an uphill battle as he just to tries to get through it. He has shut himself away from everyone else he cares about. His cousin Delly was the last person he let in and he was systematically trying his best to push her away as well. His ex-girlfriend has tried to be there for him, but he had no interest in her anymore. Anytime he saw her, all he could think about is that she was part of the reason he wasn't at the bakery that night. Of course, it really wasn't her fault, but the correlation was made and he couldn't shake it. They had already broken up and gotten back together a few times before and he truly felt like there was no love lost when he just let her fade out of his life.
Peeta tries his best to keep his arm out of the shower while he awkwardly scrubs his body clean of all of the shame and guilt he feels. He is still feeling the effects of the heavy drinking and blood loss from the night before. His body isn't used to such mistreatment; he has always been healthy, strong, and muscular. Between the heavy lifting, constantly being stuck with kneading the bread dough at the bakery and spending most of his free time in wrestling practice, he has kept up his body. He's only average height, but his shoulders are broad and he is strong.
His thoughts are interrupted by Nurse Trinket clearing her throat. "Peeta, it's time to get out now. I need to show you around before your first group therapy session."
He nods his head, turns off the water and takes the towel from her hand. "Where are my clothes?" He asks while wrapping the towel around his waist.
She points her head in the direction of the room. "They are in the locker by the window. I will get them out for you. The locker is to remain closed and locked at all times. You will have to get a nurse if you would like anything out of it."
"You're kidding me, right? I can't even get to my own stuff while I'm stuck here?"
"I'm afraid not. You will have a lot of rules and restrictions while you are here. It's like I was telling you before—you are a high risk patient. You will be restricted on activities, what you eat, and even who you can speak with. And most of all, your schedule is very important. We have found that if you always know what to do, you have a sense of purpose and a reason to get up and do certain activities. It will take some getting used to, but please be assured, this is for your benefit and it will help you. It's worked many times before and Dr. Aurelius believes it will work for you. He has set your schedule himself. He is very invested in your case."
She moves over to the locker and opens it for Peeta. He leans in and sees all his clothes folded and stacked neatly on the shelves. The bag used to bring them all in is bunched up on the bottom shelf and his sketch pad and pencil set is sitting on top of it. He feels a small pang of guilt knowing Delly brought all of this in for him. She has been trying her best to take care of him. She is the only one in his family that came back to help, and he has been nothing but trouble for her. "Will I be able to call or see Delly today?"
Nurse Trinket smiles and nods her head. "Yes! You will have visitation today at 3:00 p.m., and I know she has already signed up to see you. She was very adamant about seeing you today. She's such a lovely girl with a bubbly personality! You are lucky to have her in your life."
Peeta takes the clothes she hands him and turns around to get dressed. When he faces her again, Nurse Trinket hands him a slip of paper. "Peeta, here is today's schedule. You will get one of these every morning. We are going to get you into a routine; no more drinking late and sleeping in—those days are behind you. Not only are we a mental health facility, but we also specialize in substance abuse and rehabilitation. When you are in your group therapy session, there will be a mix of young people, ages 12 to 18, each with varying needs and reasons they are here. We very rarely have children as young as 12, but it does happen. Please do not feel like you have to inhibit yourself in any way when talking to the doctor or the group. The individuals in your sessions are selected for a reason, and your unadulterated stories may be seen as beneficial for younger people to hear. No one is asking you to filter yourself. But, that will be explained more in your meeting. Let me show you around before you have to go. We have about 20 minutes, that's more than enough time to show you the entire campus."
Nurse Trinket quickly shows Peeta around the facility, and it is quite a bit larger on the inside than he expected. It is separated from the main hospital, but close enough to still be considered a part of it. It is a modest three story building that is at least 50 years old, and looks to not have been updated at all during that time. The hallways are poorly lit, and all of the elevators, except one, are out of order. He tries to listen to everything Nurse Trinket tells him about the building and what each room is, but he is distracted by the smell of antiseptic cleaner and the buzz of the dying fluorescent lights. They pass by the cafeteria, but Peeta shakes his head at the offer of breakfast. The last thing he wants is food with the way he has been fighting off nausea since waking up this morning. She points to a door with windows that have metal grating on the outside of them. He looks out the window and sees a courtyard. "Do we ever get to go out there?" He asks her with a slight twinge of hope.
She gives him a bright smile, "Yes, you do! If you look at your schedule, you have outside time between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m. It's very important for you to spend some time outside. Maybe you would like to bring your sketch pad with you when you go."
He nods, "Maybe."
She shows him a few more rooms on the first floor. She explains that the second floor, where his room is, is reserved for patients 18 years and younger. The third floor is reserved for the adult rooms. Everything is scheduled to where the two groups almost never see each other. The common area is a large room with several old ratty couches, a few round tables with plastic chairs, and a television that looks to be older than Peeta.
They walk to the end of the corridor past the common area before stopping in front of a doorway. "Here is where your group therapy session will be held at 9:00 a.m. every morning. It is required you attend. I will walk you here every morning for the first few days, and then you will be responsible for yourself. I will be waiting for you right here when you are finished in about an hour. If at any time you need to leave, just tell them to page Effie and I will be there as soon as possible." She smiles and opens the door for him. "Good luck."
Peeta takes a deep breath before he crosses the threshold, having no idea what is in store for him in the next room. He looks around white space and sees what seems like a group of normal teenagers. The first person he notices is a small but muscular girl with short spiky brown hair. She sits in one of the worn down, plastic chairs clutching a cup of coffee. He's curious if coffee is a good beverage to
have around a group of overly anxious teens, but doesn't dwell on that for too long. The girl glances around the room, but darts her eyes away the second they come in contact with any male.
The next person he notices is a tall, broad shouldered, bronze haired boy. However, boy may be the wrong term. Peeta knows the age limit is 18 for this group, but he looks to be far more mature than his age would suggest. His skin is a warm golden tone, like he works outside all day, and looks immensely strong. Peeta is in no way attracted to men, but he knows a handsome man when he sees one—and he is absolutely sure that this person would be considered very attractive.
As he continues to look around the room, several more people catch his eye. There is a small dark skinned girl, who looks like she could barely be ten years old and a large blonde haired boy who is sizing up the room like he wants to kill everyone in it. Everyone is gravitating towards the many chairs placed in a circle in the center of the room, and he's about to join them, when he sees her.
The girl is sitting in a chair in the corner, far away from the rest of the group. Her knees are tucked into her chest, and a spiral notebook is perched on top of them. Peeta watches her as she surveys the group like a hunter watches its prey; it's as if she's on a tree stand in the middle of the woods and they are all game just waiting to be picked-off. She studies each person momentarily, and then makes quick notes in her notebook. But when her eyes finally flit to Peeta, she doesn't write anything like she did with all the others—she just stares. Their eyes lock, and her steel grey eyes bleed into his. He feels his breath hitch—her eyes are so mesmerizing, and like nothing he's ever seen before.
She's one of the most beautiful girls Peeta has ever seen. She is the embodiment of everything he's ever dreamed about, right down to her knobby knees and braided coal-black hair. Peeta Mellark has always had a type: he is insanely attracted to petite, dark haired girls. And if they look slightly exotic—that's even better. And this girl is all of those things and more. He can't take his eyes away from her lips that somehow look so soft while being slightly chapped. Her warm olive toned skin begs to be touched and tasted. He's never been so taken aback by someone before and his mind can't help but wonder what kind of noises she makes when coming undone. They continue to stare at each other, never breaking their gaze, until the dark-haired doctor with manic features steps in.
"Good morning, everyone! I see we have a few new faces today. I'm Dr. Flickerman. If everyone could, please take a seat in the circle." The man points to the girl in the corner, the girl Peeta is inexplicably drawn to. "Katniss, you can remain where you are, if you'd like."
Peeta takes his seat, his mind reeling. He decides then, no matter how terrible the timing, or how bad his situation is, that he is going to do everything he can to find out more about Katniss.
I would like to say a special "Thank you!" to my beta books-are-better. She is fantastic and has really helped me a lot.
You should definitely check out her stories, too:
u/4148325/
