A/N: Italicized paragraphs in this story indicate memories or flashbacks.
Jethro and Ziva
Friday afternoon-NCIS Squad Room
Jethro Gibbs returned from his latest coffee run to find a folded note on his desk. The day had been dragging from the time he got there with no case to work and lots of paperwork still piled on everyone's desks. Between his three agents squabbling with each other and the director calling every half hour about some nonsense or another, he was about to lose his mind. He was beginning to think five o'clock would never come.
Gibbs opened the note and read: I cannot go with you this weekend. I need to stay here and help a friend with something important. I am sorry. Z.
Trying to control his disappointment which had a tendency to run into anger, Gibbs stood up and barked, "David, my office. Now!"
Tony and Tim both looked up in surprise and glanced at Ziva who didn't seemed surprised at all. Tony gave her a sympathetic smile as she headed for the elevator behind their very unhappy boss.
"Gee, wonder what that's all about."
"No clue McGee. Did you see her do anything?"
"Nothing."
"Well, better her than me is all I can say."
"Yeah."
Ziva stepped into the steel box behind Gibbs and moved to the far corner. She knew what was coming and she thought she'd like to be as far away as possible which wasn't very far considering the size of the elevator car. No sooner had the car begun its descent than Gibbs flipped the emergency stop switch and the main light went out as the elevator jolted to a sudden stop.
Gibbs waved the offending note at her and said, "What is this, Ziva?"
"Clearly you know what it is or you would not be upset. I am sorry but I need to stay here and help Maureen Reilly with something. She called while you were out."
"Why didn't you tell her you're busy?"
"Because, Jethro, she is upset and she needs my help."
"And I don't?"
"No you do not. Not really. You want me to come for the fun of it and I would love to do that but I feel this is important."
Gibbs was now standing in the center of car, within reach of her but neither of them were reaching for the other. He raised his voice and said, "I'm not important?"
"Jethro, do not shout at me! Of course you are important but you and I have lots of time together. Maureen needs my help now."
They continued to argue and with each accusation and ugly comeback their voices grew louder and more strident. They often had disagreements as they were both very stubborn and both needed to be right most of the time but they only rarely raised their voices. For some reason today they were both on edge and their argument quickly got out of hand. Jethro grabbed her arm much too tightly and she pulled away from him. When he reached for her again she slapped him. Neither of those things had ever happened before and they were both stunned by their actions. Jethro stepped back and restarted the elevator without another word. Ziva could not believe she had struck him. She wanted to apologize but the look on his face said it would not be well received. Instead she stood silently rubbing her arm and trying desperately not to cry.
Tony and Tim could hear that they were arguing; not what was being said but the tone and volume indicated it was not a friendly discussion between boss and agent. Luckily, there were few other agents in the vicinity at the moment so it was not likely anyone else heard them. Tony was getting concerned and was about to call Ziva on her cell when the elevator dinged signaling its return to their floor.
When the doors opened, Ziva rushed out and headed straight for the ladies room. Tony waited for Gibbs to emerge and when he did Tony would have sworn he saw a handprint on the side of his boss' face. Gibbs was rubbing his face and moving his jaw back and forth as if to loosen it up. Tony looked at Tim who was trying very hard not to be there. He was about to ask Gibbs if everything was alright when the Boss fixed him with that glare that said, 'don't ask', so he didn't.
Tony had long suspected there was something besides business going on with Ziva and the Bossman but he had never been able to confirm his suspicions. He had certainly never observed anything like what just went on in the elevator. He snuck a glance at Gibbs and thought he looked unhappy. When Ziva returned to her desk a few minutes later Tony was dead certain she had been crying. Now he knew something was going on; nothing about work could make Ziva cry, this had to be personal. And for that reason, Tony didn't like his boss very much at the moment.
Everyone got busy with paperwork and Gibbs found a reason to leave the squad room again. Ziva watched him go and hoped he was going to see Ducky and that he calm Gibbs down. Her relationship with Gibbs was in a difficult period and neither of them knew what to do about it. Ziva sensed Jethro pulling away from her and felt powerless to stop him. In truth, they were both scared of where they were going; they both wanted more but didn't think the other one did.
Needless to say communication between the two of them was not at a high point. They argued more often lately and had even been spending nights alone at their respective homes in the past few weeks. That was not something either of them were happy about but each thought the other partner wanted it. Again, no talking was leading right to problems. Jethro had hoped if they went away this weekend they could work things out or at least figure out what they needed to work on. Now that wasn't going to happen and he was angry. And worried. He didn't want to lose Ziva and he didn't know what to do to fix whatever was wrong.
He didn't go talk to Ducky as Ziva had thought he was doing. Instead he went to a rarely used hallway and sat on the stairs that led to an even more rarely used storage area. Jethro wanted to hit something but in reality the person he most wanted to punish was himself. He was very frustrated with himself and his inability to understand what was going on between him and Ziva. He knew he loved Ziva and thought she loved him but for some reason they were not clicking anymore. He wanted to blame the job but that wasn't it. It wasn't his past or her past or their respective fathers or anyone else. Jethro knew in his soul it was him and try as he might he couldn't find the answer to the question of how to make things right. And so here he sat in a deserted stairwell while the woman he loved was upstairs angry with him and just as miserable as he was.
The longer he sat and brooded the farther away the answer seemed. Jethro considered that he could just walk away; end the whole thing and go back to his solitary life. After all he was doing okay before he let Ziva get past his normally formidable defenses. He had his projects, his job and when he wanted one, a woman could be found to share an evening and a night with, no strings attached. Yes, he considered that option. For about forty-five seconds. Then he let himself remember how it felt to wake up with Ziva snuggled up next to him. How it felt when she kissed him just because she wanted to and how it felt inside when she told him she loved him. No, walking away was most likely not an option. Not this time. Not from this woman. He would just have to figure out how they got off track and then get them back where they belonged.
Meanwhile upstairs in the squad room, Tony looked over at his partner and asked, "Ziva are you okay?"
"Yes, Tony I am fine."
"You didn't sound fine a little while ago and you sure didn't look fine when you came out of the elevator."
Ziva looked at him and saw he was genuinely concerned for her. She thought Tony suspected she and Gibbs were seeing each other but she was sure he had no idea of the dept of their relationship. That was something she herself was beginning to question.
"Thank you for asking Tony but I am fine. We disagreed about something but it is all worked out now."
"Okay but if you need me to I can take him for you. You know, put the hurt on him."
That made Ziva smile; Tony taking on Gibbs in her defense was sweet and yet very unlikely.
"You think you could take him? Really?"
"Absolutely. Piece of cake. You have to hold him of course. Okay?"
"Okay."
Jethro eventually returned to his desk and when five o'clock finally rolled around he sent his team home. Ziva left without saying anything to him but that was not unusual. Their relationship was not public knowledge so they conducted themselves at work as they always had. Most of the time their evening arrangement had been made in the morning as they were getting ready for work. This morning they had been in separate houses so no plan had been discussed although until just a couple of hours ago the plan had been to go to Jethro's cabin for the weekend. Now that that had been changed Ziva did not see any reason to make any arrangements with him. Gibbs had no intention of leaving town without apologizing and clearing the air but he didn't have a chance to talk to Ziva before she left so he would go see her on his way out of town.
Friday evening after work
Jethro parked his old reliable truck next to Ziva's sporty Mini and took a moment to think about what he was doing. He was on a mission of sorts but he knew it was not going to be successful. Not entirely anyway. But, he didn't mind because it was important to him to apologize to Ziva for hurting her feelings and for being angry over nothing. He wanted to spend some alone time with her before he left town so he hoped her friend wasn't already there.
Walking to her door he glanced at his watch and saw it was just before six o'clock. He figured he had about an hour before he needed to get on the road. He knocked on the door as he inserted his key and turned the lock. Good girl, he thought, it was locked. It wasn't always and they had argued about that. When they did, Ziva would scoff at him and point out that he did not lock his door and she was at least as deadly as he was. Generally he had no rebuttal for that argument. He slipped off his jacket and tossed it on the back of the couch.
"Ziva, you decent?" he called out to her as he stepped into the apartment.
Stepping into the small living area from the kitchen, she replied, "Since when do you care if I am decent or not?"
"I don't really. Just something to say I guess and I didn't want to startle you."
"Jethro, what are you doing here? You are supposed to be on the way to the cabin." There was a tension in her voice that Gibbs hated hearing. She was obviously still upset with him and he didn't blame her.
"I needed to see you before I left." Jethro reached for her but she backed up a step. He tried not let that bother him but it did.
Ziva saw the hurt in his eyes when she avoided his touch. She was still angry with him and if he touched her she would forget all about that. Somehow she needed to be strong enough to stand her ground tonight.
"I think we should let this go for now. Maureen will be here soon and you need to get on the road."
Jethro noted she was wearing the bathrobe she had stolen from his house. He was almost certain she wasn't wearing anything under the thick terry cloth. Her hair was damp and he could tell she hadn't been out of the shower very long. She smelled fabulous.
"You smell good, Ziver."
"Jethro I do not want you here tonight. I am not pleased with you and I want you to go."
"I can't leave without apologizing to you Ziva. I'm sorry I hurt you today. I'm sorry I got so angry so fast for no reason. I can't go with you still angry with me."
He didn't move toward her. He couldn't stand the idea of her rejecting him again so he didn't risk it.
"Well you will have to because I am still angry with you and I do not see that changing in the next few minutes."
Exasperated and just a little bit afraid, Jethro lashed out at her, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you making this so hard, Ziva?"
"Me! What is the matter with me? Listen to yourself, Jethro. You are the one who blew up for no reason. You are the one who accused me of not wanting to be with you. You are the one who said all those hurtful things earlier. You should leave now before we say things we cannot take back."
"I said I was sorry. I was counting on this weekend to get us back on track. I'm sorry I hurt you Zi. You know I love you and I didn't mean what I said."
"Maybe saying you are sorry is not enough this time."
"Please don't do this Zi. You know how I feel about you."
"I am not sure I do, Jethro. I am not sure you know how you feel. Maybe the weekend away will help you figure it out."
"I don't understand where all this is coming from Zi. What's going on? Why are you pushing me away?"
"Jethro you are the one who has been pulling away and you know it. You are the one who decided to stay at work late every night this week when it was not necessary. You need to decide what you really want because what we have been doing the last few months does not work for me anymore."
Jethro stepped toward her again and she backed away again. Now she was against the wall though and couldn't move any farther from him. Ziva was not afraid of Jethro she just didn't want him to touch her because she wasn't sure she could tell him no. He intoxicated her and the mere touch of his hand on her arm set her whole being on alert. She had never wanted a man like she wants Jethro and that meant she suffered a significant loss of control when he was too close.
When Ziva backed away from him again, Jethro was torn between losing his temper and losing hope. He knew if he pressed the issue and kissed her she would eventually give in and let him hold her. He recognized the power he had over Ziva because she had exactly the same power over him. He would have already been out the door if this was any other woman he had dated. No one else but Jenny had been worth his effort since Shannon. Ziva knew what she did to him just as he knew his effect on her.
Jethro was not inclined to force his affections on anyone and certainly not on Ziva. But dammit he needed to make her see how badly he felt about their situation. A situation he didn't even really understand.
They stood there in the living room, Ziva with her arms crossed tightly across her chest and Jethro with his hands clenching and unclenching as he fought to keep from touching her. They looked at each other searching for some hint of what to do next. Finally Ziva couldn't stand it any longer.
"What do you want from me Jethro?"
That was a loaded question if he ever heard one. He considered his response for a moment and when he answered her his voice was choked with emotion.
"Patience. I need you to be patient with me Ziver. I thought I was doing this right with you but I guess I'm not. Can you be patient with me for a little while longer?"
That was so far from what Ziva was expecting she had no answer for him. She felt tears welling in her eyes. The look on Jethro's face was so hopeful and so sad at the same time that she could barely stand her ground.
"Yes, I can be patient if that is what you need. I have told you over and over that I love you but I need to know you truly want us to be together. You have not been showing me that lately and that has to change."
"Okay. I need something else, Zi. I need you to forgive me for today. I am sorry for the things I said that hurt you. I never want to be the reason you cry."
"I forgive you, Jethro. I am sorry I slapped you."
"Can I hold you before I go?"
Ziva walked the two steps it took to close the distance between them. She wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed him on the mouth. When she let him up to breathe Jethro dropped a series of barely there kisses all over her throat. Things started getting heated and Ziva pulled back enough to look him in the face.
"I have company coming over very soon."
Jethro ran his hands gently through her damp hair and inhaled her scent as he leaned down to kiss her.
"You smell so good."
"Hmm, just had a shower but as I just said I have company coming over."
Jethro wasn't really listening anymore. He teased her lips with the tip of his tongue and whispered in her ear, "You taste so good. Come with me tonight."
"No."
"Please. I don't want to spend the weekend alone."
Ziva stopped him with two fingers on his lips.
"Jethro, I told you I need to stay here and help a friend. Are we really having this argument again?"
Jethro kissed her again. When he let her breathe he whispered in her ear, "What about helping me?"
"Are you begging? You are sad and pitiful, you know that? Go to the cabin, fix what needs fixing and come home. You will be fine. You used to go there alone all the time."
"That was before you."
Jethro had somehow maneuvered them out of the living room and had them headed for the bedroom. If he thought Ziva didn't know what he was doing he was sadly mistaken. He didn't really think he was outsmarting her; he knew better. He knew in his heart that she let him get away things just so he could think he was. She knew him like the back of her hand and SHE manipulated HIM much more than the other way around. And he loved it!
Ziva realized where they were and pushed him away with both hands on his chest. She was angry with herself for letting him manipulate her so easily.
"Jethro you think having sex will fix everything. It will not."
"It's not just having sex Ziva. You know that don't you? I want to make love with you, not just have sex."
"And you think that will fix our problems?"
"No, I don't think that."
Jethro looked at the floor and scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. Maybe he should just go. Just go to the cabin and forget all this at least for a few days. Maybe that would be easier. After he had those thoughts he realized that yes, it would be easier but it would also be a step back toward the darkness that Ziva had pulled him out of. He didn't want to take that step.
He reached up and gently took Ziva's face in his hands. He touched his forehead to hers and said very quietly, "Making love with you Ziva is about the only way I can tell you how much I love you."
Ziva closed her eyes so her tears wouldn't leak out and give away the emotions that were flooding her system. Sometimes Jethro was so damned sweet she could hardly stand it. She knew he was being absolutely honest and sincere and her heart swelled with love for him. Why did loving him have to be so hard? She forced herself to think and not just feel.
"Jethro, you need to go." It took all she had to step back from him and wrap her robe around herself.
Jethro was surprised to say the least. He looked at her for a long moment and finally understood she was not going to let him stay. The look on her face was one of determination and he knew very well when Ziva David made up her mind about something like this he was not going to persuade her otherwise.
"Please tell me we're going to be okay, Zi."
"I cannot honestly say that tonight Jethro. We have been coming apart for a long time now and maybe that is the way things are going to go."
"Is that what you want?"
"No. It is not. I want you. All of you, not just a few nights a week or every now and then. You have known that from the beginning but that has not been the case lately. Am I right?"
Jethro didn't want to answer that question. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. Ziva just watched him and waited. She knew he was struggling with their relationship. She wasn't sure why but she knew things had changed in the past several weeks.
Finally Jethro looked at her and very quietly he said, "Yes, you're right."
He looked so unhappy and confused Ziva almost reached for him but she forced herself to keep her hands to herself. She was not going to give up on them but she needed Jethro to do at least some of the work involved in keeping them together.
"Go to the mountains and figure out what is stopping you from truly investing in us, Jethro. Think about what you want and what you are willing to do to have what you want. I will be here when you come back and we can talk then. I still believe we can work things out but I need you to participate in doing that. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I love you Ziva. Do you believe me?"
"Yes. That is what makes this so difficult. Go on now. I need to get ready. Call me when you get home."
"Can't I just come here?"
"No, call me when you get home."
"Ziva, please don't do this. Don't shut me out."
"I am not shutting you out. You just need to call me in case Maureen is still here. And, I want you to be sure you know what you are going to do about us."
Jethro reached for her and Ziva let him pull her into a kiss. When he pulled back, Jethro wrapped her in his arms and held her for what seemed like a long time. When he finally loosened his grip he kissed her gently on the lips, turned and walked out. Ziva stood in the bedroom and heard the apartment door open and close. She took a deep breath and said a silent prayer that she had not just lost the only man she had ever truly loved.
Walking to his truck, Jethro was thinking much the same thing Ziva was; had he just walked away from the only person he had a chance to be happy with? He asked himself why he wasn't able to give Ziva the assurances she needed. Why he wasn't able to let go and let himself love her openly and honestly. He didn't know the answers to those question and he understood he needed to find those answers before he came back to her or he was in real danger of losing her. Jethro was pretty sure he didn't want to let her go but he also didn't know how he was going to give Ziva what she wanted and deserved and still protect himself.
While Jethro was driving the three hours to his cabin in the mountains of West Virginia, Ziva and Maureen enjoyed a girl's night in. They drank wine, watched a movie and trashed all the bad men in their lives. Ziva had a few men in her past life that she was happy to throw on the trash heap of lousy guys and Maureen certainly had her now ex-boyfriend to add. The more her friend talked about Bob the more Ziva disliked him and the happier she was that Maureen had walked away from him.
"Do you worry about him bothering you in Boston?"
"Not at all because I haven't told him where I'm going and I don't plan to do so. My forwarding information is a post office box as you suggested and my apartment there is rented under my cousin's name."
"How did you ever get mixed up with such a loser? You are much too smart and attractive for a man like that."
"Bob was a really nice guy when we met and started dating. He had a good job and a nice place to live. About six months or so ago he was in a bad car accident and after that he got hooked on pain pills. It has taken over his life and his personality. He is truly a different person now."
"I have heard of that happening but never known anyone who has been through it. He won't get help?"
"He tried, once, but it didn't take and he gave up. I can't devote any more time and effort to his illness. I need to get away."
"Yes, I agree. I will worry about you until you are safely in Boston."
"I'll be fine Ziva. Don't worry."
"I will worry until you have moved. But this weekend we will just enjoy ourselves."
All the way to his cabin Jethro thought about Ziva and what they were doing. On some level he knew that being in a romantic relationship with one of his agents was wrong for a number of reasons. He had been involved with Jenny when they were in Europe together and obviously that had not ended well. Every time he had this conversation with himself, which was pretty often, he kept coming back to how things had ended with Jenny. He argued to himself that this was different, Ziva and Jenny were not the same person and he was certainly not the same man he had been all those years ago.
It was different in many ways and that, he hoped, was what would make the difference in the long run. He and Jenny had acted on a shared passion that had started as a spark of attraction when they first met and ignited in the hot Marseille night, burning into a raging firestorm that eventually consumed them. That was not the case with him and Ziva. They were most certainly passionate about and with each other, but they were not blinded by their desire for each other like he and Jenny had been. At least Jethro knew he had been blind when it came to Jenny. He was definitely very aware of who Ziva was and what she wanted from him.
Jethro thought about the first time he and Ziva had had sex. That was how he thought about it now; having sex. It wasn't about making love at that point. It was just about reassuring each other they were alive and still able to connect with another person in an intimate, if calculated way. It had been the one year anniversary of Jenny's death and Jethro knew even at the time that the memory of that horrible day was what had drawn them to each other like magnets.
TBC
