'Hey…'
Turk was poking his head around the door of the doctors' lounge, grinning. He held up a paper bag and waved it. 'Lunch?'
'Hey, Turk,' I said, trying to smile back. It hurt my cheek muscles. When was the last time I smiled? It would have been a week ago. I'm pretty sure the face I'm making now doesn't remotely resemble a smile. More like the grimace of someone who's just had a spear thrust through him. 'I'm not really hungry…'
'C'mon.' Turk flopped down on the sofa beside me. 'You gotta be hungry. You eat like a pig every other day…'
'You're a good friend.'
'You know it.' Turk's smile vanished and he suddenly looked serious. 'JD, man, you have to eat. Have you had lunch at all this week?'
'I have been to the cafeteria, yes.' I kept my tone light-hearted.
'But not at lunchtime.'
I didn't say anything.
'Look, you can talk to me. Why don't you eat with us anymore? It's because of Dr Cox, right?'
My throat tightened abruptly. Ow. It felt as though I had a tennis ball shoved down there. I stared hard at the floor.
'Yeah, thought so.' Turk's voice was suddenly glum. There was a silence for a minute. 'JD?'
I took in a deep breath, ready to say something, but instead it came out as a cracked, shuddering half-sob and I let my head fall into my hands, my fingers gripping my hair.
I heard Turk sigh. 'JD…' Another impossibly long pause. My eyes were suddenly full of hot tears, and I blinked them away, ashamed, and relieved that Turk couldn't see. Why couldn't he just leave? Why was he making this so awkward for both of us? And why couldn't I just leave? But it felt as though my legs were full of lead. I don't think I could have gotten up if I'd had the will to try.
Unexpectedly, one of Turk's hands was on my shoulder and his other hand was balled in a fist, tentatively rubbing my back. I sniffed and distractedly rubbed at my eyes with my sleeve.
'We're all really worried about you, you know.' Turk's voice was quiet, the only sound in the room; the voices, footsteps and the ringing of telephones of the hospital around us had faded to a distant hum. 'You won't talk, you won't eat…it's like you're locked away in your own world, man. More than usual, I mean,' he added wryly.
I almost laughed, but it came out as another sob. Turk's hands tightened slightly on me. 'Aw, I'm no good at this kind of stuff. Why couldn't Carla have come talk to you, dammit!'
I straightened up, still trying to rub my cheeks inconspicuously, but it was a bit too late for that now. 'No...thanks Turk…I mean…I just…' I shook my head desperately. 'I can't really face Dr Cox right now. Every time I see him, he rubs what I've done in my face, and I don't understand why…' My hands were trembling. 'And it's worse when he does it in front of you guys.'
Turk shook me roughly by the shoulder. 'OK, this has got to stop now!' He was so angry he was nearly shouting. I blinked, dazed. 'JD, first of all, no one thinks badly of you 'cause of this. We've all made mistakes. Hell, I'm a surgeon; I've made more mistakes than anyone! What happened wasn't your fault, you hear me? Hey, man, look at me.' I turned my head to face him, unwillingly. God knew what I looked like, with bloodshot eyes and blotchy cheeks. Turk was gazing at me earnestly. 'It wasn't your fault.'
It had been my fault. There wasn't really any way around it. But Turk spoke with so much conviction that I nearly believed it, and I suddenly felt lighter than I had all week. I managed a nod –
'Oh, I beg to differ.'
My insides seemed to shrivel up at the sound of that voice and my fists clenched unconsciously. Please don't say it. Don't start saying it. Just…forgive me. Please, Dr Cox. Forgive me.
'What do you want?' Turk's voice was uncharacteristically harsh.
'Oh, I'm just making a minor correction.' Dr Cox bared his teeth in some sort of smile at Turk as he leaned in the doorway. 'That is, what happened is certainly Newbie's fault. And there's just no nice way of saying he's a murderer. So that's what you are, Newbie. A murderer.'
I slowly raised my eyes to meet his. The smile still lurked at the corners of his mouth, but he wasn't smiling anymore; it was as though he had forgotten the smile was still there. His eyes were boring into me. The word murderer reverberated inside my head, bouncing off the inside of my skill. I swallowed hard and stood up, wavering slightly.
'Dr Cox – ' Why did my voice have to shake like that? Why? 'I know I made a mistake and that I screwed up, but you know that – that I didn't mean for it to be this way and that…I'm sorry.' The last words came out as a whisper. Great, so now I was apologising? I was a snivelling little dog grovelling at his feet. I wanted to kill myself.
He was staring hard at me. I could no longer read his expression. Unable to meet his gaze any longer, I dropped my eyes to the floor and blinked rapidly, biting my lip hard to stop the tears from coming.
'Just go, Newbie.' His voice was quiet and tired.
OK, forget about stopping the tears; here they came. The floor I was staring at was blurring and disintegrating. Get out of here before he sees you crying, you big girl! That's the one thing that'll make it worse! Just put one foot in front of the other until you're far away from here.
Stumbling over my own feet, unable to see anything in front of me, I somehow made out of the doctors' lounge and down the corridor, the tears spilling onto my cheeks now.
Dr Cox would never forgive me, but he didn't need to bother. I would never forgive myself.
