EMPart4 Chapter 20

Deanna sat on the couch in her quarters, exhausted. Though she desperately needed it, she couldn't face the idea of going to sleep. Damn, her human side, why couldn't she help herself! Although she knew she'd soon be back on Betazed, where she'd have no choice but to seek help, she didn't want to accept the idea that she couldn't do this on her own. She was tempted to ask Will to stay with her again tonight, when he got off watch, but it would be after midnight, and he'd be exhausted. No, she'd handle this herself. It was just one night. She picked up the white rabbit and unconsciously hugged it to her. Troi took a deep breath, put the toy down on her bed, and went to take a bath. After dressing in a soft satin nightgown, she had a cup of tea and went to bed.

Will Riker was exhausted, he'd just come off watch it was 1:00a.m.. All he could think about on the way to his quarters was sleep. Riker hadn't had much lately, what with staying with Deanna and waking every time she made a sound. With any luck, tonight he'd sleep right through. Will entered his quarters, walking straight through to his bedroom, and stopped short. Deanna was lying curled up on his bed. He walked closer and in the dim light looked down at her. She was cuddled into the robe that had been left on the bed that morning. All that was visible was Deanna's face, hair, and her tiny feet peeping out from the bottom of the robe. The dried traces of tears on Deanna's cheeks were easy to see. She must have cried herself to sleep. Will couldn't tell for sure, if she was asleep, and knelt on the floor beside the bed. He reached out and put a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Deanna, are you all right?'

As Will watched, those great black eyes opened slowly, revealing bottomless pools of pain. He'd never seen Deanna so vulnerable, so open. It was as if all of her defenses had fallen away, and he was looking deep into her very soul. Will Riker's heart expanded painfully, as he realized that it was only with him, that Deanna felt safe and comfortable enough to reveal herself so completely.

"What is it, are you ill? Tell me!" Will was becoming concerned. Deanna's face crumpled as she broke into tears... "W w w ill...." she reached blindly for him and he gathered her into his arms. It seemed that he'd never seen her cry this often in all the years he'd known her. Deanna was an emotional woman, but was always in strict control of her emotions. Crying was something she'd rarely done for most of her life. To see her this vulnerable struck a chord inside of him in a way that had never happened with anyone before.

"Sssshhhh Dee, ssshhh. It's all right now." He whispered in her ear. She was clutched to him as though he were a lifeline, and she sobbed as though her heart were breaking. He held her quietly until her tears slowed and stopped.

"Deanna, what is it?"

Will looked down into her tearstained face, brushing the moisture from her cheeks. Deanna lowered her eyes, unable to meet his penetrating gaze, and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Will. I thought that I could do it. I thought that I could get through one night on my own. I wanted to prove to you, to myself, that I'm getting better! But..."

"But?" Will asked.

" But I failed! I got into bed, and actually fell asleep. Then they started...."

"They? I don't understand.. Will's expression was puzzled.

"The dreams, Will! The dreams!" Deanna's voice was laced with hysteria. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm anxious all of the time! I don't know how to help myself! I should know how, but I don't! I don't!" She started to cry again. "I didn't want to disturb you again, but I knew that you would understand. I feel so safe when I'm with you. You know me better than anyone else on this ship, including my mother." She pulled away from Will's embrace, drawing herself into the comforting folds of his robe, as if to hide inside of it. Deanna drew her feet up under the robe, and huddled on the bed.

"Deanna, no one expects you to deal with all this on your own. That's why your mother brought Dr. Paxa. That's why Beverly has been hounding you to talk to him about the way you feel." Deep down Will knew what lay at the root of her unwillingness to ask for help. Paxa had explained it. She was upset that unlike a full Betazoid, Deanna simply didn't have the ability to help herself, psychically. That wasn't important now, she was here, asking for his understanding. Will waited patiently for Deanna to continue. He watched as she wrapped her arms around herself in a protective embrace.

"I can't do this anymore, Will, I tried, but I don't know how to help myself. I can't because I'm only 1/2 Betazoid and I need help! I'm just so tired, so frightened all of the time. Will you help me, Imzadi, please?" For one of the few times in his life, Will Riker felt inadequate. Here was one of the strongest women he knew, exposing her deepest insecurities to him. Deanna was also an exceptional psychologist, and yet she was unable to help herself, and she had come to him. He took a deep breath.

"I'm not sure how I can help, but you know I'll do whatever you need me to, to take the pain away." Will could sense the fear and frustration that she was feeling as though it were his own.

Deanna sniffled, rooting around in the pocket of the robe for a tissue. She drew a deep shuddering breath and exhaled. There it was out, she'd asked for help. It was possibly one of the most difficult things she'd ever had to do. Will offered Troi a glass of water and a box of tissues. He sat beside her and waited until she had composed herself.

"You can tell me about the dreams. I'll try to help you, Dee. You can trust me. I love you and want to help you." Will paused, waiting for her to decide. "Deanna?"

Deanna avoided his eyes and stood up. She began pacing the room, her nervousness was palpable,almost a tangible thing.

"It's about Toreth's guards isn't it?" Troi's eyes snapped to his and the just as quickly looked away. "Deanna I was there, in the bay, remember?" he asked bluntly. She raised both hands and raked them through her thick hair. A low moan of anguish poured from her throat, gradually increasing in volume and intensity, until it was a scream.

"They raped me!!!" She pulled in another breath and continued.

"Again and again, all of them. There were 3, no 4 of them. In a filthy barracks! I can't bear it! I can't get the scent of them out of my nostrils, I can't wash away the feel of their hands on me!" Deanna was like a woman possessed, ranting, the rage and humiliation she'd suffered pouring out of her.

"I hate them for what they did to me, I DIDN'T want them! I DIDN'T ask for it!! They were in my mind, telling me that I begged them, that I seduced them. I couldn't keep them out of my head!!" She was nearing hysteria. Deanna stopped abruptly and sank to her knees on the floor.

"I wasn't strong enough...it went on for days, over and over. I wasn't strong enough. They hurt me so badly, sometimes on purpose. After awhile, I stopped trying to fight, because it aroused them further. I gave in to them, Will. I wasn't strong enough to resist. They made me feel, things that I didn't want to!" She was sobbing now, barely able to speak. "I didn't! But I wasn't strong enough, I just couldn't bear the thought of more pain!!"

Will was nearly blind with anger at what had happened to her. He knelt before Deanna and took her into his arms and held her. After several minutes, he heard her begin talking in a hoarse whisper, pouring out the tale of the horrors she had endured over the six weeks she had been in captivity. What was she saying...

"I finally defended myself the only way I could think of. I drew my mind, my thoughts, my soul deep inside. I built strong barriers around my adult self, and became a child. They couldn't get to me any longer." Troi was panting now, her voice harsh and sarcastic.

"I was taken back to my room. They didn't even let me wash. Then they left me alone. I wasn't even given food or water for two days. Finally, the day before I was rescued, one of the guards took me to his quarters. He was enraged when I didn't know what he wanted me to do, he threw me into a holding pit. A deep stone pit in the yard. I spent the entire night trying to get out, he took me out in the morning and beat me senseless for disobedience. I don't remember much after the beating." Troi finished on a whisper.

"Jaksa told me later on that the rescue team found me in the pit, unconscious."

Will Riker was so angry, he pushed Deanna away from him, and stood with his back to her, seething. He turned back towards her, reaching down and pulling her to her feet. Deanna flinched, a look of fear crossing her features. She brought her arms up to her face as though to ward off a blow. Will was shocked to the core, to see her face so ravaged by fear. She was whimpering softly, trembling in his hands. Deanna wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Look at me, Deanna!" he demanded. Deanna shook her head and whispered something unintelligible. "Deanna, please, I don't want..." he began.

"I know, I'll go now, I understand that you don't want me now, it's all right." Deanna whispered. There was no emotion in her voice. She sounded utterly defeated as sheslipped his robe from her shoulders and walked towards the door.

"WHAT!! What did you say?? Not want you??" he was completely shocked. "Deanna that's not true, look at me, I love you! How can you think otherwise!?" He grabbed her arms and pulled her close. Deanna gasped, pushing against his chest...

"No! Don't! Please!" The pure fear in Deanna's voice, broke through the rage Will felt. He looked closely at Deanna, who stood before him, white faced, her eyes tightly closed, trembling in fear. She was terrified, of him! Will took a step back from her then, dropping his hands from her arms and giving her some space. He took several deep breaths and forced himself to relax, willing the anger to drain away.

"Deanna?" He whispered. "Deanna, it's me, Will. I'm sorry that I frightened you. It's alright, you're safe. I'll never hurt you the way that they did, You can be as angry as you want. It's okay. You're home and safe here" Deanna was visibly shaking, her breath coming in gasps. Will moved slowly closer, until he was a few feet away from her.

"Deanna, open your eyes, sweetheart, it's me, Will." He waited. Deanna struggled to control her breathing and swallowed hard, finally opening her eyes. She still wouldn't look at Will. He didn't ask her to, just began to speak in a low, reassuring tone.

"I know you didn't allow what happened to you! You were the victim, not the criminal! They raped you, that's not sex, that's violence, you are NOT responsible for what they did! It wasn't your fault. That doesn't, couldn't change the way I feel about you!" At last, the sight of Deanna standing there, so frightened, afraid to move or speak, snapped Will's self control.

"Dammit, Deanna!" He whispered hoarsely. "Use your abilities, sense me!! You'll know if I mean what I say! DO IT!!" He shouted finally, startling her into looking directly into his eyes and then away again.

Troi's shock at the tone in his voice, was enough to clear her mind. All she needed to do was lower the barriers in her mind and scan him, then she'd know for sure. Deanna was frightened, unsure what she'd do if she looked into those beautiful blue eyes and sensed revulsion. Knowing that, she knew she had to try, had to know. Her shoulders slumped, as she took a deep breath, relaxing as best she could. She squared her shoulders and looked into his eyes, searching, reaching for the essence that was Will. He did the same, forcing his body to relax, and opened himself to her. He allowed Deanna to probe as deeply as she needed.

Deanna began to relax as a warm flush began to spread through her as she felt the love and concern for her in his mind and in his eyes. She extended her empathic senses further, aching to feel love, not disgust emanating from him. She stiffened slightly, as she felt the warm loving touch of his mind as it reached out to her own. He was telling her the truth, he still loved her, still wanted her. The cold hard shell she had erected around her heart began to fall away. Troi looked down at the floor, trying to regain control of her emotions. She took a few steps forward and closed the gap between them, and laid her head on Will's broad chest, sliding her arms around his waist. He held her close inhaling the scent of her hair and skin. He loved this woman with his very soul. She looked up at him then, her eyes black and luminous.

"They've taken my life, Will. I'm here and alive, but I'm dead inside. I've lost my self respect and I fear, now that you know everything, you." This last word was uttered in a whisper.

"You'll never lose me, Deanna. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone."

"I don't know if I can be with you, Will, if I can make love with you." "I'm frightened." Deanna's eyes never left Will's, as she searched his face for a clue as to how that made him feel.

"It doesn't matter right now. I can wait for as long as you need. Just don't leave me!" Their eyes met and held and then he lowered his head, still holding her eyes with his. He kissed her then softly, gently, a kiss full of love. Troi could feel a current of reigned in passion as well. She forced herself to relax and parted her lips slightly allowing him to touch her lips with the tip of his tongue. He pulled back, and held her.She waited for the fear and panic to take over, but this time it didn't come. It was going to be all right!

"Help me, Imzadi, help me wash it all away!" she cried softly. Will bent and swept her into his arms. Deanna put her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. He walked to the bedroom and set her on the edge of the bed.

"We need to be close, not sex, just closeness, all right? It will always be your decision, Imzadi, nothing will happen that YOU don't want. I'll never push or pressure you." Will wanted to reassure her. He dimmed the lights and met her eyes, his held concern and love, hers were nervous and unsure. He got into bed and reached out to her. Deanna hesitated, until he smiled. She slipped into the bed, as he pulled the quilt around them and eased her body close. He kissed her forehead, not wanting to push her in any way. Deanna put her hands against his chest and pushed back so they broke apart...

"Wait!" she whispered. "Please, wait! I can't. I want to but I'm sorry, I can't." Riker felt his heart tearing, but he knew he'd wait forever if he had to. She sat on the edge of the bed with her back to him, trembling, her arms wrapped around her body. He sat up waiting for her to speak, trying desperately to suppress the intense anger toward her captors, so she wouldn't feel that he was angry.

"Deanna, talk to me. Tell me what you feel inside right now. What do you feel when I touch you?" Will's voice was low and quiet,soothing. He wanted her to feel safe, to trust him to undestand her feelings. Deanna stood up then, and began to pace along the foot of the bed.

"I just feel so unworthy and unclean. They were revolting. Did everything they could to debase me, humiliate me. The things they did. I hated it, I hated them, and most of all, I hated myself. I didn't want to respond in any way. But I did, and I feel disgusting, and...and...guilty." Will sat up ...

"Guilty?? Why on earth would you feel guilty? You didn't do anything wrong, they USED you. It wasn't love/sex it was violence!" He was confused.

"Will, they made me respond! My body responded. They forced me to take drugs that stimulated my body. It was too strong. My body betrayed me. They taunted me with that. Told me that I...I...wanted it, and after the drugs and psychic influence, I did. I did want it, I begged for...it...but it wasn't mmme..it was the drugs..it was as though I was watching myself from a corner." Riker gasped at that admission, knowing how hard it had been to say that aloud. Deanna sat at the foot of the bed again, her body shook with silent sobs. I'm afraid Will."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid that I'll lose you, that you won't want me, even though you say that you do." Deanna held up a hand as Will opened his mouth to speak.

"Oh, I can sense that you do want to make love with me, but I'm also afraid that I won't ever enjoy sex again. I'm afraid that it will hurt. It hurts Will."

Will closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel some of the pain and anger that was threatening to overtake him. He waited for a moment, not trying to fight it. Will looked at Deanna, sitting there, her back to him. She looked so small, so fragile, so vulnerable. Somehow, it was up to HIM to reassure her, but how? When he felt so disgusted by what they had done to her. She could feel that. He was sure, and it must be causing her pain. He had to try. Will moved down the bed, until he was behind Troi. He reached out and touched her back. She started, and pulled away slightly. He moved closer and wrapped his arms around her

"What can I do to help?"

"I don't know." He held her like that for a few minutes until she said, "Will?"

"Yes sweetheart."

"Do you still think I'm beautiful?" Deanna had whispered the last word, her face turned away from Will.

"Oh my God, Deanna. You are the most beautiful creation in the universe." Will moved to sit beside Troi and turned her to face him. When she couldn't meet his eyes, Will raised her chin with the tip of his finger. There was no doubt in his mind that Deanna was beautiful. Her beauty was beyond words so he tried to show her with his touch; gently touching the delicate features of her face...her cheek, her eyes, her eyebrows, her cheek again, her lips. The look of awe on Will's face overwhelmed her, as the tips of his fingers touched her neck, her earlobe. Will ran his fingers through her hair, and ended drawing his fingers down the back of her neck, onto her shoulder, causing her to shudder slightly.

"Let me hold you." She hesitantly nodded and allowed him to guide her around and into the bed. He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, once again pulling the quilt up around them. He tried again to kiss her forehead and this time she didn't pull away. He inhaled deeply and said,

"Your scent intoxicates me, always make me feel so warm."

She looked up at him,

"It does? He smiled,

"Yes, it does." And kissed her lightly on the lips. He gently rubbed his fingers along her back, trying to relax and comfort her. She tensed slightly, he paused,

"You're okay now. Let yourself relax and enjoy this closeness."

"I..I..I am, Will. I do. I don't know why I'm so nervous now, we've been this close since I returned."

"I think it's because I know what you've been through now and you're worried that I'll see you differently. You've also admitted what has happened and how you felt...what you did. You're worried about what that means." Will paused, allowing her time to think about what he'd said. "It's okay Imzadi. Remember that it's me. You can trust me completely to love you, to cherish you, to stand by you through everything. I won't let you down." With that Deanna pulled herself closer to him. Will responded by embracing her as tightly as he could...one arm around her lower back and one arm across her shoulders. He molded her to him, letting her feel his strength. It was important to Will that Deanna feel how much he wanted her in his life. He needed to show her that he cherished her. Will's silence, combined with his actions, meant more to Deanna than she could possibly relate. She sensed his emotions then, and in place of the revulsion she expected, she found compassion, understanding and a deep abiding love, for her. Will's voice penetrated her thoughts, trying to reassure her.

"Relax, love, get some rest. I'll be right here. I love you." Deanna responded by sliding her free arm across his chest and pressing her body against his side. They lay in the quiet of the room, reveling in the newfound depth of their relationship. Savoring this very special closeness. Will moved down under the covers, making sure that Deanna was well covered. He dimmed the lights and they slept.

Chapter 21

Early the next morning, Will awoke to the shower running and Deanna's voice humming under the spray. He chuckled, she did love that water shower. He got out of the bed, clad in pajama bottoms and went to the bathroom door. Will waited until the shower stopped running before he knocked.

"Come in." Troi's voice called out. Will hit the panel and the door slid aside, revealing Deanna as she stepped from the shower. His eyes widened slightly at the sight of her nude body dripping water onto the rug.

"Hand me a towel, would you?" Deanna held out her hand. Will froze and met her eyes. Deanna's breath caught as she read the naked hunger in his eyes and sensed his need. Will's fingertips met hers, as he held out a towel. His eyes held a question, hers his answer. Deanna was beautiful, standing nude on the pale carpet. Her skin luminous, her eyes huge in her face. Will laced his fingers with hers, and gently pulled her towards him. Reaching behind, he pulled a large fluffy towel from the rack. Taking the towel in both hands he began to towel Deanna's thick wet hair. He wrapped the second towel around her body. Just as he was about to tuck the end between her breasts, she stopped him. He caught his breath and waited. Deanna moved into his arms and pressed herself against him.

"Deanna, are you sure?" he asked. Her voice whispered sweetly in his mind,

"Love me Imzadi, love me well, help me forget, make me feel beautiful again!"

Her nails rasped through the hair on his chest, she hadn't forgotten how he loved that!! Will hugged her close and leaned down to kiss her, gently...sweetly. His hands caressed her long slender back. Deanna trembled when he slowly kissed her neck and face; finally reaching her mouth he kissed her passionately. Troi helped him remove his clothes as they began to explore one another, rediscovering forgotten pleasure points. They both began pressing kisses on heated flesh withholding long hidden pleasures. They touched and tasted, teasing each other until Deanna was whimpering with pleasure, and he was shaking.

At the moment when their desire for one another was nearly unbearable, they paused in mid-kiss. Their eyes met and held...poised on the brink of total pleasure, and their souls united. Will held himself in check, allowing Deanna to take charge of their lovemaking. She moved her hands over his broad chest, pressing her nose into the hair she found there. The scent of her body floated up into Will's nostrils, and he ground his teeth to keep from pulling her into his arms and taking her. Deanna's heart threatened to leap out of her chest. She was fearful, but trusted him implicitly. Troi was a sensuous creature, who because of her Betazoid abilities, knew what pleased him the most. She trailed her nails up and down the sides of his body causing Will to groan. Deanna didn't pause, just kept focusing her senses on Will returning the emotions she was feeling back to him. Her kisses were like fire spreading through him. Afterwards, as their heartbeats slowed, and their breathing returned to normal. Deanna rolled to his side and they lay entwined in the covers whispering and kissing, laughing softly. Will pulled the quilt over them both and pulled her close.

"Are you all right, Deanna??" he asked.

"MMMMMM, I'm better than all right Imzadi, why do you ask?" Troi smiled up at him. Will paused, looking down, basking in the warmth of her smile.

"I know you've been apprehensive about our being together, and...well" his voice trailed off.

"Will, how could I NOT be all right? Troi whispered. "I have just shared a most beautiful experience with you, the man I love." she answered honestly.

"You've been patient and gentle and made this very special for me. I feared I'd never be able to have a physical relationship with anyone until now. Imzadi." she continued as her voice caught, "At the moment that you and I came together, it was as if you had given my life back to me." Deanna's eyes filled, her lower lip quivering as she sat up and rolled onto him. She kissed him then, and pressed herself full length against him. "I love you..." she whispered.

Will's response was to kiss her again and again, until she was breathless and trembling once again. It was another hour before they finally fell asleep.

Chapter 22

As the days passed, Deanna began to slowly regain her strength. She continued her sessions with Dr. Paxa, in which she had finally discussed the nightmares and how Will had been instrumental in helping her to overcome them. Paxa was not surprised, however, and told her so. Beverly continued to monitor her physical healing, and the captain visited every afternoon. They talked about their common experiences, and how it had affected them. Both were surprised at how similar their feelings and reactions had been. Deanna and Will were together constantly and spent every night in each others arms. The only flaw in her recovery was a recurrent fever and headaches. Beverly treated these complaints as best she could, all they could do was wait, Data was working on finding a cure for the infection. Both Paxa and Troi's mother were concerned about about Deanna's emotional health. Beverly tended to agree. Entering into an intense romantic relationship was ill advised. All they could do was hope that Will and Deanna knew what they were doing. They had several days left before reaching Betazed, and she was no closer to the answer for the fevers.

~~~~ Deanna, how are you today? You look tired. Have you slept?

~~~~ Yes mother, I had good night's sleep, but Will & I were up late. Troi responded.

~~~~ Up late? An off color remark floated across the link between them.

~~~~ Mother!!! We were talking...and then we made love! Laughs...

~~~~ Lwaxana smiled faintly, Little One - I don't mean to pry - but is rekindling this relationship with Will a good idea rightnow??? You're still unwell.

~~~~ I'm fine , Mother really. Will has been a great help. The nightmares don't come as often. My appetite has improved and I've gained three pounds! I'm happy. I love him Mother, you've always known that.

~~~~ I know Deanna, but what will happen once you've gone?? Are you prepared for the possibility That it may end??

~~~~ Will loves me, I'm sure of that. It's different this time.....I've sensed his feelings. Besides I'll be back.

~~~~ You can't be sure of that Deanna, you may NOT be able to return.

~~~~ Mother!! I don't want to discuss this any further, why can't you be happy for us??

Deanna stood up abruptly, ready to leave. She should have known what her mother's reaction would be...She sighed...her mother would just have to learn to trust Deanna's instincts. Until then...there was no point in trying to convince her. As Troi reached the turbolift, a headache had begun to form. The pain began behind her eyes and spiraled upward from her brows. It continued back over her head to the base of her skull. This was different from the other headaches. It was making her nauseous, and the corridor had begun to spin as she reached her quarters.

"Oh God," she whispered as she entered the bathroom. She bent and splashed cold water on her face. One look in the mirror told her she had a fever...again. She turned to get undressed and the nausea overwhelmed her. Deanna sank to her knees and vomited helplessly. After rinsing her mouth and brushing her teeth, she was able to get undressed and crawl into bed. Her body was racked by chills and shivering. She was in trouble this time...and she knew it. The headache was fierce and she was frightened...

Chapter23

Will Riker had been of duty for about 15 minutes. He'd met Geordi in Ten Fore to discuss an engineering problem, but something. He shook his head and sipped his coffee.

"So commander, what, Commander??" Geordi's voice broke through.

"Commander?"

"What Geordi?" Will responded, distracted.

"What's wrong Commander, is everything ok?" Geordi asked, concerned.

"I'm not sure. I feel as though....... Deanna?" Will stood up abruptly. "I have to go Geordi, we'll talk later." He left without looking back.

As soon as he entered her quarters, Will knew something was wrong. It was dark, and too quiet. Lately Deanna had greeted him with soft lighting , dinner, and her lovely smile when he came off duty. He continued into the bedroom, Deanna was huddled under the covers, asleep.

"Deanna?" he called softly.

When she didn't respond, he went over and put his hand on her forehead. She was burning with a high fever. He pulled the quilt off and picked her up...her nightgown was soaked with perspiration, but her skin was dry and hot. Her eyes opened briefly and she murmured,

"Will? ...sick."

"Yes you are, I'll call Beverly."

"Riker to Crusher."

"Crusher here."

"Report to Counselor Troi's quarters, medical emergency." Will's tone held a note of urgency.

"On my way. "Crusher out."

Will sat holding Deanna's shivering form in his arms. He'd administered a hypospray to lower the fever, and changed her nightgown and sheets. Will then recovered her thin form. Beverly arrived moments later and began a physical.

"Her fever's over 104 degrees, did you administer the hypospray?" she asked.

"Of course, but she seems much worse this time." Will answered.

"I'm afraid she is worse, Will. Let's get her to sickbay.

"No," Deanna cried out, "Want to stay here, please!" She turned to Beverly, her face flushed, eyes pleading.

Beverly studied Troi's face. It wasn't like Deanna to ask for special consideration. But this time, Beverly couldn't indulge her.

"I'm sorry Troi, I want you in sickbay."

Beverly called for an antigrav stretcher and moved Troi to sickbay. Deanna cried softly all the way there. Upon arriving in sickbay, Crusher called a nurse to assist her in putting Troi in a tepid bath...

"What are you going to do, doctor?" Will asked as Picard strode into the room.

"I understand that the counselor is having a crisis?" he demanded.

"Yes her temperature is nearly 104.8 degrees and the medication I've prescribed isn't helping to lower it." Crusher snapped. She had more than enough to worry about without the captain adding to it.

"I'm going to put her into a tepid bath, an old remedy used to lower body temperature."

"I'd like to help, please Doctor." Will asked.

"Alight, can you support her in the tub?" she asked.

"Of course, I can," Will snapped.

The tub was filled, and they got Deanna into the water. She fought like a tigress, crying and protesting at the touch of the cool water. After 20 minutes in the tub, Deanna had quieted, and Will took her out of the tub. The nurse assisted in getting her dried off, dressed and into bed. Beverly administered additional medication and adjusted the telemetry equipment that was monitoring Deanna's vital signs.

"I'll get Data to rush the study on the bacterial infection, get a bioscan every two hours, and push fluids."

"Understood, doctor." the nurse responded.

She headed for the replicator and got a large glass of juice. She brought it to Troi and Will helped her drink half of it. She settled back into the bed and fell into a restless sleep. Throughout the night the nurse and Crusher took bioscans on Troi. Her condition did not improve, and by morning, she was delirious. They took turns bathing her with cool water and alcohol baths to lower the fever.

Deanna was tortured by dreams in her fevered delirium, tossing and turning. She would talk during these periods. Her voice, a hoarse whisper talking about her imprisonment, her family, Will. She would beg for water and cry. Troi's mother had arrived and stayed close beside her assuming much of the nursing care, she slept little. Riker hovered close by, helping with Deanna's care. He fed her ice chips and forced water or juice into her when she was incoherent. He cried with her at one point when she opened her eyes and looked at him, begging to know why he didn't love her anymore. She'd clung to him, begging him to stay with her, to love her as before, tears streaming down her cheeks.

In the evening of the second day, Deanna was extremely agitated, and kept trying to get out of bed. Will finally activated a restraining field. Deanna thrashed within it, crying and struggling against it's force. In desperation, Lwaxana turned to Will.

"Will, Please do something. Look at her, she's fighting so hard, she's exhausting what little strength she has left! Deanna has slept better since you resumed your relationship with her, since you slept together, maybe she'd rest if you were beside her? This is intolerable to watch, and it's cruel."

Will's head shot up, "You think that if I were in bed with her she'd relax and sleep?"

"We've tried everything else, nothing helps, my baby needs to rest. Please Commander." Lwaxana pleaded.

"What's going on?" asked Crusher as she reentered Deanna's room. Lwaxana explained her idea. Beverly turned to Will and said..

"Give it a try, she might rest easier."

Will went into the bathroom and changed into surgical scrubs, then climbed into bed beside Deanna. Her body was so hot! As soon as he touched her,she struck out fighting him off. He persisted, whispering words of love and comfort into her ear. Finally, Deanna stopped struggling, and curled into his arms.

Will gathered her gently into his embrace, and held her. Almost immediately, she quieted. Her breathing deepened and at last she slept. Lwaxana met his eyes as she lowered the lights and turned to leave,

"You are truly "Imzadi", she senses you, even in her delirium." She smiled and left the room, knowing that her daughter was in excellent hands.

The following morning, Troi's fever was slightly lower, but she remained unconscious. Data had reported during the night that a serum had been distilled for the infection. However it was on Antares X and would not arrive for 26 hrs. All they could do now was wait. Will changed his scrubs and the nurse helped Lwaxana get Deanna into fresh nightclothes and sheets. And they waited. Deanna's skin had begun to develop a rash, especially on her arms and legs. She scratched constantly, and cried, begging for relief. Beverly finally gave her medication for the itch and put gloves on her hands. Will held her cradled against his chest, soothing her with ice and frozen juice bars. Deanna was consuming them at an amazing rate. She asked for juice constantly, but couldn't keep large amounts of anything down. The frozen juice bars had solved the problem. They waited.

"Data to Crusher."

"Crusher here."

"Prepare to receive the serum, I am transporting it directly to your office."

"Acknowledged, Crusher out."

The serum materialized in its container on her desk. After reading the enclosed information, she went in and administered the first dose to Troi. Again they waited. Beverly administered additonal doses throughout the night. The next 24 hours passed slowly. She was sleeping quietly, so Beverly advised Will to go to his own quarters and try to sleep. They all finally left Troi's room and tried to get some rest.

Chapter 24

It was just 8:00a.m. when Will Riker entered Deanna Troi's room in Sickbay. He'd last checked in on her around 1:00a.m., and found her condition unchanged. He'd left then and actually managed to get some sleep. He was hoping to find her better this morning. Will walked up to the bed, and heard Lwaxana and Beverly come in behind him...

He reached out and put his hand on Deanna's forehead. It was cool to his touch. He whispered, "Thank God!"

Deanna opened her eyes and smiled up at him.

"Hello, Will," Troi whispered. "What time is it?" Riker, Crusher and Mrs.Troi all answered at once,

"Deanna, you're awake!" Troi smiled at all of them...

"Yes, I am...how long have I been here?"

"Three days," Crusher responded.

"I don't remember much." Troi responded.

"I'm not surprised, you had a very high fever, and were delirious most of the time. But it seems that the serum has worked." Beverly explained. "Your fever is gone and your bloodwork shows only minimal traces of the infection. I'd say you're on your way to a complete recovery." Beverly ran a bioscan and left the room. Will and Mrs. Troi sat on opposite sides of the bed and chatted with Deanna.

Eventually after having picked up on several subliminal signals from the couple beside her, Lwaxana stood up and said,

"Well, I'll leave you two alone...I'm hungry!" Will and Deanna were oblivious to her having eyes only for each other. Deanna was distressed by the haggard look that Will had about his eyes. He hadn't shaved and looked exhausted. But he was smiling down at her with his eyes full of love. Deanna's arms came up and slipped around Will's neck. He lifted her up off her pillow and hugged her. She responded by hugging him back just as tightly. They didn't speak, they didn't need to, as all of the love they felt for each other flowed through them as they embraced. Will noticed a trembling and pulled back to look at her face.

"I'm so glad that you're better, Deanna." He said.

"Yes, I know, Will, and so am I." Troi responded. "Have you been here all along?" She asked.

"Pretty much, I couldn't leave you...you only slept when I held you close." Riker grinned. "I wonder why?"

Deanna had the grace to blush,

"Well, perhaps it was because I have feelings for you?" "Then again." she teased.

"I've been so worried about you Deanna," Will whispered as he bent closer. Troi hugged him again, then pulled back and stared into his eyes. They came together in a gentle kiss. Each reveling in the tenderness and closeness that they shared. Beverly chose that moment to come into the room.

"Ahem, excuse me you two," she smiled. "I'd like to get my star patient something solid, if she's feeling up to it."

Deanna smiled at her and said, "Yes Beverly, I do feel a little hungry, thank you.

"Alright, we'll start with just tea and toast, and maybe a half of a grapefruit? I'll have Alyssa bring it right in." Beverly chuckled to herself as she left the room. Alyssa brought Deanna's breakfast and left. Will helped her eat, she managed to consume a toast and a few bites of fruit, then he sat with her for the next few hours chatting about everything and nothing, then he went on duty. Deanna napped and spent the rest of the day resting and submitting to dozens of medical tests and procedures. She had dinner with Will and her mother and fell asleep early.

The routine was the same over the next 2 days as Troi slowly got stronger. She moved back to her own quarters on the evening of her fourth day in sickbay. She felt much better and was sleeping better as well. She and Will had been spending considerable time together since her recovery from the fever, and it had been wonderful. The ship would reach Betazed in 2 days. The inevitable fact of her departure weighed heavily on her mind. She knew that she had to leave...Paxa had said that although her sessions were going well, she was plagued with flashbacks and nightmares, and here was a large chunk of her memory that had not returned. She'd need to return to Betazed and receive treatment. Rationally, Deanna knew that but, "Enough..." she said to herself. The door chimes sounded,

"Come in." The doors parted to reveal Will Riker's smiling face. He had a bouquet of flowers for her and a small gift box.

"Come in, Will," she said smiling. He came in and handed her the flowers. Deanna buried her nose in the fragrant blooms, emerging woth a brilliant smile. She stood on tiptoe and kissed her imzadi's bearded cheek.

"Thank you, Will, they're beautiful." Will smiled and hugged her close...

"I have something else for you tonight! I designed it myself and Data replicated it. It's something that will remind you of me while you're on Betazed." He handed her the box. Deanna sat on the couch and tore off the wrappings. Her breath caught in her throat when she opened the cover of the box. It contained a beautiful chain with a delicate pendant in the shape of an entwined "W/D". Her eyes filled as he turned her and fastened it around her neck. He settled the chain on the nape of her neck. Deanna turned and hugged him, hard. He could feel her trembling. He held her close for a long time, cherishing every precious second. Deanna felt the sting of tears in her eyes. She was determined not to cry, he didn't need to see her cry again for a long time. But...she knew in her heart that she didn't want to leave, not now. The thought of losing Will now, again, was just too much to bear. She tried to center herself and relax before he noticed. She was too late. Will felt her tremble and take a deep breath. He pulled back and looked into her face. Deanna looked up at him, and he saw the tears in her eyes. She dropped her gaze, but he already knew what she was thinking and feeling. He could read her emotions as easily as she could his.

"Imzadi," he murmured softly. A single tear escaped and coursed down Troi's cheek.

"I know...I don't WANT you to go...but you know...I know...that you have to go back to Betazed for treatment." Deanna shook her head sadly...

"No, I don't have to go, Beverly...," Will interrupted, "Deanna you know that Beverly isn't trained in Betazoid healing techniques." "You have to go home."

"But I don't want to leave you...why can't I stay?"Deanna insisted knowing how irrational and childish she sounded. She didn't care...she was hurting too badly and didn't care to hide it."Will, we deserve a chance to be happy, to be together. "It isn't right!" Her voice broke. Riker just held her, his own eyes filled.

"I know...I feel the same way, but Deanna...

He tipped her chin up so that she was looking at him,

"It isn't like the last time we parted," he said softly. Will knew the real reason that she was so upset. Deanna dropped her eyes, surprised that he could read her so easily.

"Will...I...," she stammered, "I didn't mean...."

"Yes you did and it's alright- I don't blame YOU at all."

Will knew at that moment just how badly she had been hurt. He allowed his mind to replay the events of over ten years ago. He had been assigned to do a tour on Betazed, Troi's home planet. Once there he'd met Deanna, who was studying at the university. She was young, brilliant, and oh so beautiful. He rapidly found himself falling completely in love with her and she with him. He wanted his career AND he wanted her...he'd even proposed marriage. Then he'd panicked. He left Betazed for his tour on the Potemkin; Deanna would finish her degree and join him after six months. However once aboard the ship, he began to think that being married/possibly having a family would hold him back, even hurt his career. So in the end...he'd just let their relationship fade. Deanna had kept in touch often, but HE had stopped writing, stopped communicating entirely. When they were both posted to the Enterprise, they hadn't seen or spoken to one another for over two years. By that time, their intimate relationship was over and there was too much between them to pick up where they had left off.

Looking at her now, told him the depth of her pain...she was willing to sacrifice her own health to stay with him. She loved him that much still. He knew how lucky he was to have been given second chance to freely love this amazing woman. Deanna had pulled away and stood up, she crossed over to the bathroom and began to brush her hair.

Will called to her softly,

"Imzadi, I know that I'm asking you to trust me, and that it's alot to ask. But Deanna I'm NOT the same man. I've changed, Time has changed me...YOU have helped to change me." "Deanna?" he asked. "Are you alright?" He got up and went into the other room, where he found her staring into the mirror, brush in hand, tears rolling down her cheeks. He walked up close behind her and pulled her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and put his chin on the top of her head. Their eyes met in the mirror.

"I'm sorry Will, I can't help the way that I feel , I'm frightened." Troi whispered.

"It's alright, Deanna,"Wil replied. "I really do understand." And he did. All he could do was to try to reassure her with his words and his actions, until the time came for her departure. He took her hand and led her back to the living room. They sat on the couch, Deanna curled her legs up on the cushion between them. Will automatically took her feet and placed them on his lap. He massaged them and kept them warm, Deanna ALWAYS had cold feet.

"I need to say something to you, Deanna, that I've never said before." "Hell, I've never even wanted to say before." Will Riker had never struggled so hard to make himself understood in his entire adult life. This, however was too important for him to screw it up. His future with Deanna might well depend upon the next few minutes.

"Deanna....Imzadi..,"Will began.

"I have learned so much from you in the last ten years..." "Your gentleness and compassion for others had given me a new perspective on command."

"I used to think that all I needed to be happy and complete in my life, was Starfleet." he continued.

"I never once believed that I needed anthing more than that." "But having you in my life all these years has changed that..." Will paused letting Deanna absorb what he'd said.

"I've come to realize that I am, who I am, partly because of your influence in my life."

"When you are a part of my life...everything makes sense, I feel a sense of peace." "If my career ended now, today, I'd be alright, because I have YOU."

"Without you I'd have nothing, no career, no life." Riker finished in a low tone.

"I don't know how to explain it better than that." Will paused to collect his thoughts before continuing.

Will cleared his mind and focused on Deanna. Then he exhaled and sent....

"Imzadi, you are my other half...you are my soul, my being, with you I'm complete, alone I am lost. I love you!" Deanna was struck speechless, Will had never professed his feelings for her in such an open and intense way. She sat there staring at him, her senses wide open, willingly recieving all the love he was revealing.

"Deanna," Will began again, "Will you..? " Deanna put her fingers over his mouth and said quietly...

"No don't...not now...it's enough for me to know how much you love me." She knew then that she would go home. She'd worry about the future then...in the future.

Chapter 25

The next two days passed uneventfully, as the Enterprise completed the final distance to Betazed. Neither Deanna nor Will would talk about her pending departure. They had spent the day and most of the early evening with their friends. Deanna's closest friends had thrown her a small going away party, complete with gifts and a chocolate cake.

Troi found her emotions and those of her friends running very close to the surface. She had to struggle to screen them out. She'd stayed fairly close to Will throughout the evening. He was more attentive than usual, always right there. He'd offer a drink, something to eat, or a hug. His hand rested at the small of her back for most of the evening. Deanna found that her emotional state was very fragile. Tears were never far from falling, but she managed to stop them. When everyone was preparing to leave at the end of the party, Deanna was exhausted Each of her close friends had a hug and good wishes to offer. All gave her the order to hurry and get well & come home soon. Worf hugged her tightly and actually admitted that she would be missed.

Finally all the guests were gone and Deanna and Will were alone. She left the living room to change. In her bedroom, her two travel cases sat side by side near her dresser. Geordi's white rabbit sat on top of them. She walked over and picked up the fluffy toy. It was final...she was leaving. The tears that had been threatning all evening, fell unchecked. Will never said a word when he entered the room, just enfolded her in his arms and held her, letting her cry. At last they sat on the edge of the bed, and still they held each other, neither wanted to let go. Wiil waited until her breathing had evened out, then tipped her chin up and said,

"Better now, Deanna?"

Troi smiled through her tears,

"Nnno," she whispered. "Not really. I don't know how I'm going to leave you tomorrow." she said as fresh tears fell.

"Sshh," Will admonished gently. "Let's not talk about that now...I want to hold you, make love to you, savor every precious second we have left. He dipped his head and kissed her softy and gently, once, then again, and yet again. Each time a little deeper, coaxing a response from her. Deanna realized that he was right. They should enjoy the time they had left. Tomorrow would be soon enough for good-bye. She relaxed in Will's embrace and parted her lips. Immediately he deepened the kiss, slanting his head slightly to allow him even greater access to her eager mouth.

Deanna returned the kiss and slowly lay back on the bed as Will continued his sensual assault on her lips and neck. She responded with an intensity that surprised them both. Will drew back and scanned her flushed face.

"God, I want you...are you able..is it too soon?" he asked. Deanna's response was to press her hand to his cheek, her black eyes glittering in the dim light, and smile. There was no need for words to express what they were feeling. It was readily apparent in their eyes, their and their actions.

They lay entwined on the tumbled bed, flushed and satiated - whispering and laughing softly. Will finally said,

"Deanna don't worry about anything while you'r away just concentrate upon getting well, and come home to me."

Deanna didn't answer just smiled tremulously and snuggled closer to him. The room was still, both were lost in thought. After a long silence Deanna's stomach growled loudly.

"Good God, woman!" "What was that?" Will's deep bass laughter rang out in the quiet room. Deanna swatted him and laughed, "Well, I didn't eat anything earlier..." "I'm starved." She gave Will a push and told him to get her a snack. He rolled out of the bed and stood nude beside it. Deanna watched appreciatively. He reached down and pulled her to her knees on the bed. Her hair was tousled and messy, curls danced riotiously about her face.

"You know, Imzadi, I like the new look! You look like...I don't know...some kind of wild forest creature, a nymph..!" he grinned, embarrassed.

"Oh, don't you mean a ..."nympho"?" Troi giggled. Her cheeks were flushed from their lovemaking. She looked like a woman who had just been loved well, just the way he loved her to look. Will quipped lightly,

"Well if you insist!" "Now what do you want for a snack?" he asked.

"You!" she whispered. He threaded his fingers through her thick hair and kissed her jawline, making her shiver. Then he bent and kissed the exposed flesh at the back of her neck. She had a lovely long neck, he'd never really noticed it before. He lightly fingered the pendant that hung delicately between her full breasts. God, she was beautiful!

"What?" she questioned, seeing the intense expression on his face.

"You are so beautiful, inside and out. You are my heart, my soul, my life." He was hoarse with emotion. "Whether we're together or not, that will never change. You're my missing half, and I love you." Tears pricked her eyes as all thoughts of food vanished form her mind.

"Oh my Imzadi," she began, but her voice failed her as she was overwhelmed with emotion. She pulled him close and their lips met. For them in that moment- time stood still. They made love again, this time slowly, tenderly exquisitely, each aware that they might not be together again for a long time. They feel asleep entwined, cherishing each other even in sleep.

Early the next morning, Lwaxana and Picard were standing in the transporter room with Paxa, waiting for Deanna and Will. The Enterprise was in a standard orbit around Betazed, where she had been since arriving at about 3 a.m.. Lwaxana was eager to get home, to get her daughter home. The sooner she got treatment, the sooner she could resume her life. Paxa checked his chrono again, and said,

"Lwaxana, I cannot wait for Deanna, I will meet with the two of you later today on the surface. I need to check in with the Center. Please get settled at home, then meet me there when you are ready. He made his goodbyes to the captain, and stepped onto the transporter pad.

"Rest assured, Captain, I'll take excellent care of Counselor Troi, she'll be returning before you know it. I'm ready, energize..." and Paxa dematerialized. Lwaxana and Picard looked at each other and waited.

Earlier that morning....

Deanna had awakened with the sensation of being watched. Before opening her eyes, she lay still, aware that the covers were gone. She was lying nude on her bed. "Where's Will?" she wondered. Troi became aware of a faint fragrance aaaahhhh, a rose- an amber rose, she'd bet...stroking her skin slowly up from her toes, across her stomach, to the deep V between her breasts and back down again.

"MMMMMMMMMM," she murmured, and stretched long and lazily, like a contented cat. " Delicious."

She opened her eyes then to Will's too blue gaze smiling down at her just inches away. She returned his smile as he handed her an amber rose from her own garden on Betazed. He'd named it - "Troi's Amber Passion" many years ago. As she began to speak, her words died in her throat. Will slowly bent, his eyes never wavering and kissed her; deeply, passionately NEVER ONCE closing his eyes. He willed her to do the same, her blood caught fire. They had made love several times throughout the night...but still she wanted him.

Deanna and Will were boneless and shaken when they parted from one another. It was several minutes before their breathing returned to normal, They lay face to face, not speaking. They both knew that the time had come. Will got up and helped Deanna from the bed. They embraced and kissed briefly, then showered, dressed and ate a light breakfast. After checking that all was ready, Deanna turned to leave her bedroom. Her eyes came to rest on the row of uniforms hanging in her closet. Unconsciously, she'd crossed her arms beneath her breasts, a familiar posture to Will. He knew that it usually maent that she was upset and feeling especially vunerable. She turned away from the closet and looked at him, her eyes huge and luminous in her pale face. Those beautiful eyes filled, he thought she might cry...but her chin came up and she brushed the tears away angrily.

"Well, Commander it's time to stop this nonsense and go! Until next time, then?" she said a little too brightly.

A single tear escaped to roll slowly down her cheek,. She'd hoped he wouldn't notice, but he did. He wiped it away with his thumb as he cupped her cheek.

"Oh no, Dee - not this way." He whispered. "Come here, I need to hold you."

Deanna walked blindly into his arms and clutched him to her. Still her tears remained in check.

"I love you Imzadi, I love you so..." she sobbed in his mind.

"I know," he whispered."Come home to me soon." They stayed that way for several minutes, kissed long and sweetly, then parted. When they left the cabin and proceeded to the transporter, they were the consummate professionals, fully composed. Once in the turbolift, Will snuck a look at Deanna, she was pale, staring straight ahead, her face a mask. He reached out and took her hand, it was icy. Deanna stopped just outside the Transporter room.

"I can't do this, Will, I can't" she whispered frantically. Then she closed her eyes and clutched the rabbit, struggling for control.

"You all right Dee?" Will asked her. Troi shook her head, "No, but I will be...please...a moment...?"

"Take all the time you need, we'll wait until you're ready."

Both Troi's mother and Picard looked up surprised when Will entered the room alone. He held up his hand.

"Deanna needed a moment, sir." "She'll be right in." Picard nodded,

"This has to be very difficult for the Counselor." Lwaxana remained silent, her mind on Deanna who she knew was just outside the door. The doors whooshed open and Deanna strode in and stopped short. The enitre senior staff was here with her mother, no doubt to say good-bye once more. She took a deep breath and centered, as Data walked up to her and briskly shook her hand. He stepped back then forward again to give her an awkward hug.

"Be well, Counselor, my sensory inputs will be unable to replicate your presence. Return to duty soon." Data stated in his emotionless voice. Deanna smiled then...

"I'll miss you too,Data." And she kissed his pale gold cheek. Next was Geordi.

"Geordi, thank you so much for my rabbit. I'll cherish it because of the caring thought behind it. Her eyes grew misty as she hugged him. Worf was gruff as he hugged her,

"Counselor, it is my hope that your recovery will be accomplished quickly, you will be missed." Deanna hugged him and kissed his cheek. Worf scowled and looked very uncomfortable. Troi smiled and turned to Beverly. Her dearset friend, Bev, who had tears running down her face.

"Take care," she whispered as she hugged Deanna tightly. "I'll write soon. Don't worry I'll keep an eye on him."

Captain Picard took both of her hands in his.

"No long goodbyes, Counselor, just a hug, and a wish to have you back soon. He kissed both of her cheeks , his eyes misty,

"Don't worry!" he whispered.

Last was Will, the others moved back to afford the couple some privacy. Deanna turned and looked up at him. She lost herself in his blue, blue eyes. He looked so serious. Her eyes filled and she lost her battle for self control..he never spoke, just reached out, took her arms and held her to him. Her slender body trembled violently, sobbing quietly. He held her close, his lips in her hair.

~~~~I love you, my imzadi. Never forget that. Just concentrate on getting well, and coming home.

~~~~I love you too.

When Deanna finally looked up at him, Will kissed her long and lovingly.

"Take care of yourself my love, I love you."

"Until I see you again, Imzadi. I love you too!"

They hugged again, then Will placed her bags on the pad, and turned to assist them to the transporter pad. He and Lwaxana shared a long hug, then he stepped down.

"Ready Captain," she said.

"Energize," Picard said.

The two women dematerialized, but Will heard Deanna's

voice in his head as she disappeared,

"I love you, Imzadi."

He took a deep breath and stood staring at the now empty pad. The others filed past him and murmured comfort. Picard was the last to leave. He turned to Riker and said,

"She'll be back, Will."

"I know, sir." Will responded.

"I had no idea it would be so difficult to let her go, I love her so very much!"

"I know, Number One, I always have." Picard continued.

"There are times in this life that we each must face. Face the leaving of someone we cherish, either in death or in situations like this." he spoke softly.

"It is as if we are tested to see if our love is truly strong enough to survive the pain." Picard said as he left the room.

Will stood there for several minutes, thinking about what Picard had said. He waited still longer until the scent of her faded. Then he turned and left the room headed for the Bridge.

Revisions: completed 4/24/98

Original Draft completed 12/10/97 Robin A. Marshall