Troi (in an unknown location somewhere): I now announce the announcers, Cooper and Shawna!

Cooper and Shawna appear in a levitating announcers box for their own protection. Not that the Guy leaders care. A random audience of non-Guys and old Guys are watching.

Cooper (clears throat): Yes, we are here to announce the Kill the Guys Race!

Shawna (in a quieter voice): No honey, it says Killer Guys Race.

Cooper checks his papers.

Cooper: Mine says Kill the Guys Race. Hm, must be a mistake.

They continue in hushed conference until they are interrupted over the speaker.

Crusher (in a manly voice): Get on with it!

Cooper (neatens up his stack of papers): Yes, okay then. As we were. The...Race will be done on a track custom made by the Guy leaders. We are not authorized to release the length or locations or any other details at the present moment.

Shawna: All Guys are required to attend. They have been provided with car engines but they had to build the actual cars themselves.

Shawna: Alright, first with her Borg-modified ride she will surely win, Seven of Nine!

A door opens and Seven enters the room, which is huge, empty and black. She is driving a car shaped like a Borg cube with Borg spheres for wheels and the drivers seat is a Borg diamond.

Shawna: State the name of your car.

Seven: The... (Seven sits there with a blank look for a minute) ...Borg Cube.

Cooper: O...kay. Next, he's more likely to break a hip than a record, Jarem Kaz!

Jarem enters. His car is purple and actually looks more like a wheelchair.

Seven: Where's your engine?

Jarem: Engine? Oh, that old thing? Some kindly young fella needed it more than me so I gave it to him.

(Flashback) Jarem is working on his car. Riker enters in disguise.

Riker: Oh dear, whatever will I do without an engine?

Jarem: I have one of those!

Riker: You do? You could save my life! I'm in desperate need of one!

Jarem (hands him engine): Here ya go, young'un! (End Flashback)

Jarem: But I concocted a plump-based fuel system...thingy. I used your nutritious plump drinks. That stuff really packs a punch!

Seven stares at him.

Cooper: Car name?

Jarem: The Auto Plump.

Shawna: Next, she's a determined one, just don't get her hair stuck in your wheels, Rapunzel Moore!

Rapunzel drives up in a yellow and purple flower shaped car.

Rapunzel: I call it the Flower.

Cooper: Next up, he's easy to beat, but he just might win by accident if there's food involved, Tib Radke!

Tib comes in on a weird motorcycle type thing. He is eating.

Tib: Meet the Mo 2.0! It looks just like my first one, doesn't it?

Rapunzel: Oh Tib, I'm sure it does but we never saw it.

Tib (stuffing his face with something): Oh yeah.

Shawna: Next, maybe she can't walk but she sure can speed down the track, Ariel Benson!

Ariel rides in on a seahorse shaped motorcycle with bubbles for wheels and a fork sticking out the back. She waves to Tib and Rapunzel. Jarem waves but nobody realizes.

Shawna: Car name please?

Ariel: The Dinglehopper!

Cooper: Now, he's smart and accurate, but can even he survive this race course? Julian Bashir!

Julian enters. His car looks like a giant throwing dart with big racquetballs for wheels.

Ariel: Hi Julian!

Julian: Hey Ariel!

Cooper: Car name.

Julian: The Super Dart!

Shawna: Next, he seems cool and laid back, but he's got a million tricks up his sleeve, Dylan Hunt!

Dylan comes in. His car is tube-shaped like a force lance and has basketballs for wheels.

Dylan: This is the Force Lance.

Tib (sincerely): Wow! I would have never guessed!

Cooper: Coming up, he's good at many things but can he handle this competition and, more importantly, this track? Jack O'Neill!

Jack comes in. His car is all tricked out and fast looking and there's a fishing rod sticking out the back.

Dylan: Nice ride, dude. Planning on a fishing trip?

Jack: Sure thing. Wanna join?

Dylan: If there's a basketball court nearby!

Cooper: Ahem. Car name?

Jack: The Stargate!

Shawna: Next up, she'll hide her true intentions from you. Does she even wanna win? Trance Gemini!

Trance enters in a car that looks like a garden on wheels.

Trance: This is my Plant Car.

Cooper: Mm-hm. Next, will he make it through or get distracted by a scientific discovery on the way? Daniel Jackson!

Daniel comes in. His car is unrecognizable.

Trance: Uh, what is that supposed to be?

Daniel (looking very nerdy): Well, it's modeled after a transventral nuclear sonic reactor with a semi-micro valve on the-

Jack: Oh, can it Daniel. What's the name of it?

Daniel: Oh, um, the Transventral Nuclear Sonic Reactor-

Jack: Just leave it at that.

Daniel: Oh, okay.

Shawna: And next, you won't expect anything special from this one, Rose Dewitt-Bukater!

Rose enters in a car shaped like the Titanic.

Rose (in a dreamy voice as she stares lovingly at Jack): It's called the Titanic.

Jack (blowing kisses): Woo baby.

Cooper: Yes. Next up, he'll eat up the track, and if you're small and cute he might eat you up too, John Sheppard!

Sheppard comes in. His car looks like an open-topped racecar.

Sheppard: I call it (dramatic pause) ...The Shep-Attack!

Everyone screams and ducks.

Sheppard: No, I'm not going to have one! It's what I named my car.

Everyone sighs in relief.

Shawna: Coming up next, she's simple to beat because she will probably let you pass, Giselle Adams!

Giselle rides in on a very flowery car with a bunch of little animals on it.

Daniel: Hi Giselle.

Giselle: Oh, hello Daniel!

Giselle runs over to give Daniel a hug.

Shawna: Uh, please remain in or near your own car.

Giselle is now hugging Daniel. Jarem looks like he is waiting for a hug too but nobody realizes.

Cooper (in a low voice): You have to be direct with them, honey bunches. (in a louder voice) Giselle, please return to your own car.

Giselle: Okay!

Shawna: Giselle, state the name of your car.

Giselle: The Plant car.

Shawna: I'm sorry, but that name has already been used. Please select another one.

Giselle: Oh, okay. The Tree car then.

Cooper: Next, he's not very good at winning but he's good at getting in the way, Cam Mitchell!

Cam comes in. His car is very big but otherwise looks very normal and unimpressive.

Cam: It's called the Steam Roller

Cam accidentally bumps Rose's car.

Rose: Hey, watch out Cam!

Jack: Yeah, watch it! That's MY girlfriend, only I'm allowed to bump her car.

Rose looks at Jack as if he just said the most bestest thing ever.

Cam: Gosh, I didn't mean anything by it.

Shawna: Next, she can get rough and might shoot you with the gun she always carries around, Tamora Calhoun!

Calhoun comes in. Her car looks like a giant gun, and probably shoots like one too.

Calhoun: It's called the Cruiser.

Cooper (shocked): That actually sounds like a car name. Anyway, next, his stare will throw you off your game and his muscles will throw you off the track, Teal'c Cord'ai!

Teal'c comes in. His car appears like it came from Star Wars and looks as muscly as a car can look.

Seven: Hottie!

Teal'c: Ooh, hottie yourself.

Jarem (kind of whiny) Seven! Why don't you ever greet me like that.

Seven: He is my boyfriend. You are NOT.

Jarem: Why'd you have to emphasize not?

Seven: NOT

Jarem: Aww, now you're just overemphasizing!

Cooper: Ahem, name of car.

Teal'c: The Machine.

Shawna: O...kay then. Next up, he will probably weigh his car down and not go very fast, Wreck-It Ralph!

Ralph drives in on a car that looks like a giant fist. It's not built very well.

Ralph: The Wrecker.

Unidentified person: Looks like someone wrecked the Wrecker.

Some Guys laugh.

Ralph: Hey! I'll wreck you, whoever you are!

Cooper: Please calm down. Next, she may be a snotface sometimes but she probably has a gun hidden in her car, Samantha Carter!

Carter comes in. Her car looks like a blue jello cup.

Calhoun: Hey girl!

Carter: Woman!

Seven: Woman!

Jarem: Why can't I ever get that reaction from you, Seven?

Seven: She is a woman. You are NO- ...wait...

Cooper: Car name?

Carter: The Jello Cup.

Shawna: Hmm. Next, she's a little brat who might have a tantrum if she doesn't win, Taffyta Muttonfudge!

Taffyta enters in her pink lollipop car.

Taffyta: The Pink Lightening!

Cooper: And now, nobody's desire to win is bigger than his but he has the worst luck, Turbo Candy!

Turbo drives in. His car is the one from his game Turbotime.

Turbo: You're all gonna lose!

Cooper: Car name?

Turbo: The Turbo-tasticar! Huh huh hoo! Turbo-tastic!

Shawna: Next, racing is in her code but is this track too much to handle? Vanellope von Schweetz!

Vanellope enters. Her car is the one she and Ralph made.

Vanellope: You're going down, Turbo!

Turbo (tries to think of something more clever to say but can't) YOU!

Shawna (sighs): Car name.

Vanellope: The Candy Kart!

Sheppard (whispering secretly to Julian): She looks yummy.

Julian backs away.

Cooper: Next, he can fix anything but can he fix himself after this race is done with him? Fix-It Felix!

Felix comes in. His car is a giant golden hammer with pies for wheels. It looks all perfect and shiny.

Felix: This is the Fixer.

Calhoun: I need some fixin'.

Felix gets the honeyglows and blows some kisses.

Shawna: Next, he's a risk taker, but does he really want to take this chance? Swizzle Malarkey!

Swizzle enters in his rainbow popsicle lollipop car.

Swizzle: The Tongue-Twister!

Cooper: Up next, he's adorable but he's really a little trickster, Gloyd Orangeboar!

Gloyd comes in on his candy corn themed car and a bunch of girls say awww.

Gloyd (looking cute): A-goo.

Taffyta(rolling her eyes): Boys.

Cooper: Car name?

Gloyd: The Kernel.

Shawna: Next, she's not the brightest candle on the cake but she's still a fire hazard, Candlehead Hersheydrop!

Candlehead enters. Her car looks like a chocolate cake with candles sticking out the top.

Candlehead: The Ice Screamer!

Daniel: But it's a cake.

Candlehead: So what!

Cam: Yeah Daniel, look at your car's name.

Daniel: My car's named exactly what it's modeled after.

Cam: Whatever.

Cooper: Next, she might seem sweet but her bite is pretty lethal, Minty Zaki!

Minty comes in. Her car looks like a green candy wrapper.

Minty: The Velociwrapper!

Rapunzel: Hey Minty!

Minty: Yo girl. Donut shopping later?

Rapunzel: You bet!

Tib: Donut?

Shawna: Next, she may be a warship but will this racetrack destroy her once and for all? The Andromeda Ascendant, a.k.a Rommie!

Rommie comes in. Her car is like a miniature version of her ship self.

Rommie: I call it the Andromeda!

Holographic Rommie appears.

Holographic Rommie: You know, naming the car after yourself is not wise.

A screen appears with another Rommie face on it.

Screen Rommie: It will only confuse people.

Rommie: You confuse people.

Everyone stares.

Rommie: You see? This whole conversation is confusing people! Leave.

They leave. Rommie lets out an exasperated sigh.

Cooper: Next, he might be smart but he could drop his food and mess his car up, Rodney McKay!

Rodney comes in. His car looks like a piece of cheesecake with donuts for wheels.

Tib: Mmm!

Tib is provided with a manwich so he won't eat Rodney's car.

Rodney: I call it the Food car.

Shawna (waits a moment to see if Rodney is serious): Um... Next up, he certainly can build a car but will he break down into a crybaby before he wins? Seamus Harper!

Harper comes in. His car looks like a small slipfighter ship.

Harper: Hey ladies!

The ladies don't even realize him there.

Shawna: Name of car?

Harper: Oh, uh, the Harpinator.

Cooper: Next, she's a little strange but don't get in this woman's way, Vala Mal Doran!

Vala drives in. Her car is basically a giant roller skate.

Vala: I'm gonna beat your butt, Zelazny!

Harper: You won't be thinking that when you find me waiting for you at the finish line, Boom box!

They laugh at each other like maniacs.

Cooper (a little nervous to interfere): Car name?

Vala: The Speed Skate!

Shawna: Coming up, can her suit protect her from this nightmare racecourse? Samus Aran!

Samus enters. Her car looks like the helmet of her suit, which she is wearing. The wheels look like the suit's shoulders. Samus sits there, waiting.

Shawna: State the name of your car.

Samus: I was supposed to name it?

Shawna: Yes

Samus: Um, well, I don't know.

Rodney: How about the Metroid?

Samus leaps out of her car and starts pointing her giant gun arm around.

Samus: Metroid!? Where!?

Rommie: You said the wrong thing, Rodney.

Holographic Rommie (appears right behind him): You always seem to say the wrong thing.

Rodney (jumps): Aah! (glares at Rommie) Must you do that?

Rommie shrugs and Holographic Rommie disappears.

Samus: Evacuate! Move, people, move! Metroids are dangerous!

Shawna: Calm down. There is no metroid. Now name your car real quick before the Guy leaders get impatient.

Samus: Okay, uh... let's just call it the Missile.

Cooper(whispering): You handled that well, dear. (normal) Next, he'll either bomb you or sneak right on by, Solid Snake!

Snake enters. His car looks like a cardboard box.

Snake: It's called the Box.

Samus laughs.

Samus: Come on, Snake. A box? You couldn't have done, like, a grenade or something?

Snake: Oh, there's grenades involved.

Shawna: Anyway. Next, she might be weird looking but she sure can pilot, Kaavi Deboer!

Kaavi comes in. Her car looks like a little shuttle thrown together with random parts. Jarem wolf-whistles.

Kaavi (staring lovingly at Jarem): It's called the Rocket.

Cooper: Next, he's got quite an attitude for such a little man, Gene LaMarch!

Gene enters. His car looks like a mini apartment building.

Gene: I call it the Penthouse.

Shawna: Next up, she will probably find something strange to crash into, Campbell Cooper!

Campbell drives up in her normal-person car.

Campbell: His name is Cumulus.

Cam: His?

Campbell: Don't you question me, Cameron!

Cooper: Next, she has lots of gadgets to help her along but will they be enough in this race? Lara Croft!

Lara enters. Her car is painted camoflauge and there are jungle leaves covering it.

Lara: The Tomb Raider!

Samus: You go girl!

Lara: Oh, heeeey!

Shawna: Coming up, she's nearly invincible but will this track take her down? Rogue Zann!

Rogue comes in. Her car looks like a green and yellow racecar.

Rogue: The Rogue car!

Rommie: I'm not the only one to name it after myself.

Cooper: Next, it's hard to tell how he drives his car but somehow he does, Clyde Deters!

Clyde drives in. His car looks like himself and even hovers like him.

Clyde: The Ghost.

Ralph: Fitting.

Shawna: Next up, she's a creeper Trill but she's got enough Klingon in her to be victorious, Jadzia Dax!

Dax comes in. Her car looks like a giant Trill symbiont with a Bat'leth on each side.

Dax: Meet the Killer Trill!

Jarem: Is that a real life giant symbiont?

Dax: Yes, on wheels.

Jarem (has a blank stare for a moment, then a really creepy smile): Okay!

Cooper: Next, he thinks he's handsome but what will he look like at the end of this race? Rancis Fluggerbutter!

Rancis comes in on his Reese's peanut butter cup car.

Rancis: The Kit Kart!

Daniel: But it's a Reese's peanut butter- (he shuts up when he sees Jack's look)

Shawna: Next, she might cheat her way to the finish line because she's evil, Shego Teroe!

Shego comes in. Her car looks like a giant green fireball.

Shego: The Plasma car.

Cooper: Next, he'll do anything to protect his family, even participate in this race, Grug Crood!

Grug enters. His car is a mini cave with giant rocks for wheels.

Grug: I call it the Ride, 'cause it rhymes with Grug.

Rapunzel: Actually it rhymes with Clyde.

Clyde: Man I coulda used that.

Shawna: Next, she can save the world but can she save herself from this? Kim Possible!

Kim drives in. Her car is the purple one she always drives.

Kim: I call it the Mission car.

Cooper: And last, he's got good ideas but can he think his way out of this mess? Guy Demicco!

Guy comes in. His car looks thrown together with sticks, rocks, plants, and tar.

Guy: It's called the Car.

Cooper: And that's all the contestants.

Shawna: The race will begin soon!