Bluebird

Before I had even put pen to paper, this page was already tear soaked, my fractured heart breaking with every written word. My tears fall because these oh so truthful words force me to accept what I cannot: that you my darling daughter are no longer pressed to my heart and that, are heartbeats are no longer entwined in that sacred maternal bond. Such a confession is crueler than any possible game Satan has in his chamber. But I must continue this torture for my own sanity as well as my sons'. It is not fair that I have locked them in this gold plated cage. I must release them. My doctor says that I have the key to my own freedom, but I will not use it. To be free I must recognize that you are dead and unattainable to me, your mother. But who can deny their child?

People would be forgiven for thinking me mad, but the truth is I know you live. I know you are flying through life my Bluebird. I reject my doctor's toxic cure, and yet I continue to write to you my little girl lost because when you return – for you will return to me – you can trace over this smudged lettering and see how much I loved you; how I, your mother, would never abandon you.

Bluebird, you are the crux of my world. That star filled day when I held you in my arms, witnessing for the first and final time your blue eyes (I know you still have them now Bluebird; they weren't just the result of infancy) the angel left the skies to give praise to my mortal miracle. Because you have always been mine, Bluebird. Of course your father pines for his beloved girl - the only girl we would ever have – but you are the first person to belong completely to me. You have always been the love of my life. Do not misunderstand me! I do love my sons, your brothers, with an immortal love but you…you were unique, Bluebird. To be raised in such poverty stricken places; to destroy your life through alcohol and self-destruction; to be at God's final gate; and then to be given a second chance in a hallelujah wrapped in velvet skin…You Bluebird saved me.

And so I will wait. I will never forget or lose hope. We are two parts of the same soul daughter and one day we will be united. Oh what a day!

Your dad and I are still together after all these painful years. How did we survive this trauma? By the brief memories we have of you my darling. We even had another child four years after you left us. He is the reflection of your father while your older brother (soon to enter his senior year) mirrors me. They are here waiting for you Bluebird. We all are. Your dad had never been a religious man, but he prays for you every night and although he never admits it, I know he is still searching for you. We have hired so many private detectives over the years, but apart from dead roads there was not even a sighting of your shadow. How does a baby girl vanish without a trace? The nurses took you from me to put you in the Intensive Care Unit – Bluebird you were no bigger than a little bird – and then you evaporated as if you were never there; as if God took his mortal angel back.

How? Why? Was I being punished? Have I done something wrong?

Two years ago I burnt all crosses in the house and the only way I would return to church would be to sacrifice my immortal soul to the Devil for you. Words cannot possibly describe love. They never have, but no matter how it sounds I do love you Bluebird and think of you always.

But Bluebird, Monique; do you think of me?


Wrote this while listening to the 'K-Pax' soundtrack and waiting for my ridiculously delayed train. Who would have thought that Victoria station could inspire me to write about a hybrid child?

If you like this praise British Rail. If you don't curse them, but either way tell me what you think.

I'm in two minds about whether to do more one-shots of the Flock's parents.

Please review.

Thanks.

xxx