Title: Staying Awake to Chase a Dream [1/2]
Author: rainbowpuzzle
Rating: PG
Length: 1,200 words for this part
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn, side Brittany/Santana
Spoilers: Quinn's storyline from season 1
Summary: Future fic. Response to the prompt at rq_meme :Rachel and Quinn are ready for kids, and Quinn really wants to adopt.
Disclamer: I own nothing, just borrowing from Ryan Murphy and FOX. And from Muse.
Author's note: I was inspired to write this while listening to Muse's beautiful song "Falling Away With You". The title is a lyric from that amazing song. Thanks to my beta hymnsuponourlips back at LJ who helped me a lot :) And yay for season 2 starting tonight :D. Comments are welcome and much appreciated :D

The night is silent and dark, pitch black like those nights when the stars seem to have left their jobs in the sky and went to bed. The moon is hiding somewhere behind the skyscrapers of New York City, not willing to disturb the dark of the night with its shine. New York City. The Big Apple. We've made it here, just like you had dreamed ever since you can remember. Every day, I wake up with you next to me, we start our day together just like we promised ourselves a long time ago. You go on to light up the stages in Broadway's glamorous theatres, I go on to save the lives of the unfortunate. You feed on the reverent applause and standing ovations you collect show after show, I feed on the smiles of the healing children and the relief in their parents' eyes, knowing that they will be taking their treasured child home. And sometimes it's enough. It's been enough for so many years. But now, I'm not so sure anymore.

I try to disentangle myself from your loving arms, leaving behind the warm cocoon that lulls me to sleep night after night. You're sleeping so deeply that your arm falls limp on the sheets and you don't even stir. I try to look at you, but it's so dark and I can only hear your soft breaths as you are lost in your peaceful slumber. I wonder what you're dreaming of. If you're dreaming of something. I certainly wish you're dreaming of what I dream all the time, whether I'm asleep or awake. A baby.

Our baby.

A soft little person sleeping peacefully in a cradle in the nursery next to our bedroom. Late night diaper changes, teething, the piercing cry in the middle of the night's sweetest sleep, you said. I know all of that and yet, the image of a little baby in your arms as you sing a lullaby and then tuck it in, placing a soft kiss on its little nose still invades my mind whenever I have a free moment. I know you said we're not ready, with you being on the top of the Broadway wave and me caught up in surgery after surgery and I have to admit you're right. And yet whenever I go jogging in the park, I stop to watch the happy mothers feed pigeons with their little ones, or proud fathers tossing miniature footballs with their eager sons. I imagine us coming here on sunny afternoons, holding hands and pushing the carriage together, sometimes tickling the adorable little feet peeking out from under the blanket. Maybe Santana and Britt would join us, with Nicky and Charlie running around and scaring off the pigeons. Santana would grin proudly, while Britt would roll her eyes and say "Just so we don't forget whose sons they are." You'd chuckle and kiss my cheek tenderly and I would think that life could not get any better than this.

I feel a tear in the corner of my eye and I try to blink it back. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, that I'd wait until you're ready, because one day you will be. You have to be. For Heaven's sake, even Santana has kids. If the bitchiest person on the East Coast turns to goo when it comes to her sons, then surely my sweet, affectionate, cuddly Rachel will someday want kids. But time is passing. Charlie and Nicky have taken their first steps, have had their first birthday and are now going to kindergarten and the smiles on Brittany and Santana's faces grow day after day. So does the worry in me, the fear that you are happy enough with the spotlight and with award ceremonies where you hold my hand but I have a feeling that you would prefer to hold one of those golden statues. I worry that the closest I will get to becoming a mother is babysitting the Lopez boys or caring for the kids that I have to operate on. And I don't think that will be enough for me. That tear somehow manages to break free and slides slowly down my cheek. And because I'm lost in my thoughts and the room is so dark I don't feel you move closer to me. I only feel your fingertips softly wiping my tear away. You take me in your arms and cradle me to your chest, kissing the top of my head. God, I feel so guilty for dreaming of this when I have you and your love and it should be enough. It should be more than enough! My hold on you tightens as my tears start to roll silently down my cheeks and onto your shoulder and chest.

"I love you" I hear you whisper as you stroke my hair and my guilt doubles, so do my tears. I know you do, I love you too…it's just that…

"Baby, I know what you're thinking about." I can't say or do anything except be held by you.

"Believe me, I've thought about that many times. I see the way you look at Nicky and Charlie. You're a pediatric surgeon. It's obvious and it was obvious from the start that you'd want kids. You even gave birth so your motherly instincts are there. You know what you lost when you gave Beth away." You sigh and pull me even closer, and now I can feel you whispering into my hair.

"But me…I've never been sure that I can be a mother. I've never had one to begin with. I love the Lopez boys but I know that while we certainly have fun when we take them to have ice cream and candy floss until they're high on sugar or battle with them in bumper cars, it isn't us who have to fuss about if Nicky has a fever or if Charlie breaks another kid's favorite toy. And I was afraid of not being able to handle it when things got difficult. That I'd freak out and do something I would regret." You stop and tilt my chin up and even though it's so dark I can feel you looking at me with that intensity that you reserve only for me.

"But now I know that even if I might not win the award for America's best mom, and you of all people know how much I adore awards, I know that you're here with me and together we can give that child everything he or she deserves. I really do love you, Quinn. And I'm ready." I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and it comes out as a sob. And then it all breaks and I start crying, sobbing, shaking and I'm so happy that I ask you to repeat those words just to make sure I didn't imagine them.

"I'm ready, baby. I want to have a baby with you."