Avatar: Hello to all! This is the third in my popular oneshot series, Things I Learned From. This installment features the Mario gaming empire, complete with forty things I've learned from it. These lessons apply excellently to real life. I hope you enjoy.
I do not own Super Mario Bros. or any other game in the series. I only own the contents of this fanfiction.
Things I Learned From Super Mario
When you need to save a princess, call an Italian plumber. Or better yet, call two Italian plumbers.
Everybody needs an evil twin.
Chubby guys can easily jump five times their height into the air; more if they crouch first.
Evil turtle-dragon hybrids are easily capable of kidnapping princesses repeatedly, raising armies of monsters, using powerful dark magic, and returning from certain death. That's why they make great arch-nemeses.
No matter how much you hate a guy, you should still invite him to play tennis with you.
Or golf.
Or soccer.
Or basketball.
Or baseball.
Or go-kart racing.
And of course, invite him to all your parties. Don't worry, he'll accept every invitation.
If you have good in your heart, mushrooms will make you bigger and stronger, or even allow you to come back from death.
If you have greed in your heart, garlic will give you superpowers.
If a chameleon-tongued dinosaur lays and throws eggs, it must be male.
A princess's attendants should be small dudes who wear mushrooms on their heads. And God forbid they be capable of self-defense.
If you become famous, don't sell wind-up toys of yourself. A gorilla will steal them all.
If a bomb can walk around on its own two legs, try picking it up and throwing it.
If an angry mushroom with fangs attacks you, stomp it flat.
All you need to be a plumber is a pair of overalls, a mustache, and the ability to teleport through pipes. Preferably huge green ones.
Eat a flower; you can shoot fireballs, man.
Dude, eat some shrooms; everything'll get all tiny.
Better yet, dude, eat this LEAF, you'll grow a raccoon tail!
E-rated videogames are completely free of drug references.
No matter how well you teach a princess how to kick ass, she'll still get kidnapped regularly.
The only time her ass-kickery comes into play is when you're the one getting kidnapped.
If a pink dinosaur spits eggs and wears a large red bow, it's still male.
A hero is only half as strong without his hat.
Wrenches and plungers are for boy geniuses and crazed rabbits. A real plumber uses a hammer.
Put on a winged cap; you'll learn to fly.
Put on a 'fuzzy', phasing cap; you'll turn intangible.
Put on a metal cap, you'll turn to living steel.
Warning: hats wear off after a little bit.
Kart racing while trying to blow each other up with banana peels, mushrooms, and turtle shells is completely fun, safe and logical.
A blue coin is worth five normal coins. A red coin is worth two normal coins. Eight red coins are worth a star. One hundred normal coins are worth a star.
If you plan on playing soccer, you'd best bring body armor.
Whenever you're in trouble, start collecting stars. No matter what the disaster, stars will help make it better.
Watch out for shapeshifting little girls. Their true form is a hideous, no-eyed, spider-legged thing with a pigtail lodged around its kneecap.
The best way to kidnap a princess? Uproot her entire castle and make off with it.
When your game ends, you go to the Underwhere.
Mustaches rule.
End of Story.
I hope you enjoyed this. There won't be a sequel, I'm afraid – at least not for this fandom. If you did like it, you should take a look at my other two, which are for Courage the Cowardly Dog and Invader Zim. Until then, ciao!
