Before we get started, let me just say that I think an alternate title for the first part of this film could have been "Valjean and Javert: A Love That Could Never Be."

But carry on.

We open with a raggedy little brat wandering the rainy streets, looking generally miserable. Okay, check! Miserable: that's the title. Also? It's not Cosette; don't get all confused. Because she is not, in fact, Cosette, I shall henceforth call her Raggedy Brat. So, Raggedy Brat goes up to people and begs them for money while a mildly hilarious voice-over recites the Hauteville House quote for us.

Faverolles, France, 1796, says the title. Faverolles, you say? Valjean Family, say I!

Raggedy Brat goes into a garret and tells a woman that she got nothing while a young man with feathered hair, who I shall call Sir FlouncyPants, looks on. Don't be fooled by the nickname, though, for Sir FlouncyPants is probably poor-ish—after all, he's living in a garret with a woman and a bunch of kids, and they're sending Raggedy Brat out to do their begging work.

Anyway, Sir FlouncyPants takes to the streets and the music crescendos all dramatically as a (lying) title reads "Victor Hugo's Les Miserables!" And yes, that's Miserables, not Misérables. FlouncyPants's sister—I mean… the woman who was living with him and all the children and may or may not be his sister or his wife—calls after him, but Sir FlouncyPants is hell-bent on, uh… whatever. Running in the rain from his pathetic excuse for a family, I guess.

A bakery. Sir FlouncyPants grabs a rock, smashes the window, and makes off with a loaf of bread the size of a small minivan. I kid you not. The baker man comes running out screaming THIEF! STOP! And cue a really awkward chase scene under the title credits. What about this chase scene is awkward, you may ask? Well, for starters, the baker is wearing a thin white sheet thingy… in the rain. And running. And male. And Sir FlouncyPants's namesakes are so tight that they're beginning to rip… along the rear.

Three minutes into the film and I'm already twitching.

Whatever. The chase scene continues until Sir FlouncyPants somehow ends up on a roof, tries to jump to another roof, and fails epically. Silly FlouncyPants, this is why we don't jump off clay roofs in the rain. Unless we're in the matrix. Then it's different.

A courtroom. FlouncyPants reveals that his name is Jean Valjean, in case you thought it was Aladdin, and the judge says that his occupation is "thief." Really? Cos he sure sucked at thieving. Somehow I disagree with this statement, but we won't dwell. But yeah, FlouncyPants disagrees too and explains that he's a woodcutter, but there's no wood, and YOU CAN'T LET BABIES STARVE! …Or maybe I only wish he'd said that. He then starts rambling about being a woodcutter, and his sister's child was close to death, and we were starving! Sister stands nearby, randomly yelling "Jean!" every few minutes so you remember she's there. Then they sentence him to five years in prison. Don't get used to morsels like that, though; we've got a long movie just full of inaccuracies ahead!

So they drag FlouncyPants away while he mumbles under his breath and convinces nobody that he's upset. Then they put him in line to have a collar hammered around his neck, and o woe the life of an unfairly imprisoned woodcutter! All the prisoners get carted away on an actual cart. The titles inform us that the screenplay was written by John Gay, which makes the immature five-year-old in me snigger.

Toulon. People are jerking around and screaming while they get branded on the upper arm, which mildly hilarious. Sir FlouncyPants is next, and they pull a big shiny brand thingy out of the fire and stamp him "24601."

Loony's actual initial reaction (yes, said aloud): "I want one!"

(facepalm)

While they're stamping him, FlouncyPants does this weirdo groan-y grunt that is extremely… weird. We'll leave it at that. Weird.

Prison. Sad, oppressed prisoners are pushing a giant turn-y thing when a pair of Ominous Shiny Boots enters. We don't see the owner of the Boots, but I think we all have a pretty good idea who it is. Also, because he is no longer flouncy, I'm going to have to call Valjean by his name, which stinks. Anyway, the dude pushing the turn-y thing next to Valjean collapses, because he is extremely wussy, and Valjean looks up toward the owner of the Boots. The owner of the Boots, who is obviously Javert, looks down, looks down upon Valjean. Valjean looks up at Javert. Javert looks down at Valjean. Loony starts to hear the strains of Marvin Gaye crank up in the back of her mind.

Whom whomp whom whaa! I've been really tryin' baby… Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long. So if you feel… like I feel, baby…

Javert, still keeping his eyes fixed on the red-haired sexy beast below, murmurs, "Who is that prisoner?"

Some off-screen somebody reports that it's 24601, but Javert doesn't think 24601 would respond to his romantic advances without a real name, so he asks for that too.

So much gazing.

Valjean keeps pushing the turn-y thing and continues to gaze at Javert, who continues to gaze at Valjean, until FINALLY Javert breaks the tension by leaving. Good Lord.

Barracks? Prisoners are sleeping and grunting at the same time, which is weird. Some guy who later turns out to be Clochepaille says this, and I'm not lying: "How beautiful is the moon tonight!" and then proceeds to hit on Valjean, who is STILL TALKING ABOUT BEING A WOODCUTTER. Even though much time has clearly passed, for Valjean has grown a mustache that would make Daniel Day-Lewis jealous. Can't you just see the other prisoners being like, "Oh God, don't talk to Jean! Yeah, he's on one of his woodcutter tangents again. Geez, it's been five years; you'd think he'd get over that crap! It's not even a great job, either. I mean, if I lived in Faverolles I'd have been an apple-pruner, but that's just me, I guess. Oh God, here he is! Quick, nobody mention W-O-O-D!"

This is a true story.

Outside, The Next Day. Prisoners are mining beneath a giant hanging rock, which is certainly going to fall on— yep, there it goes. Amazing effect:

Rock falling.

Close-up of Guy waving his arms and screaming.

Rock falling.

Wide shot of Guy lying under stationary rock while the falling rock sound-effects continue for a few seconds.

Anyway, Valjean THE WOODCUTTER scrambles under and saves the poor slob while Javert looks on with an expression I choose to classify as "arousal."

Whom whomp whom whaa!

Ahem.

Javert approaches Valjean and stares at him. Valjean stares at Javert. Javert heaves a great sigh and walks away.

Barracks. It's night, and one of the prisoners is snoring the way a little kid would if he were pretending to be asleep. And mentally retarded. Valjean the Woodcutter is looking around all sketchily, and he crawls out of bed, wanders out the… open… door… of the barracks, and climbs out a window. Good grief, where is Javert? You'd think he'd be spying on Valjean all night! Whatever. Valjean runs across the roof, is shot at by some guards, and utterly fails at escaping.

A Room With A Desk. Javert adds five years to Valjean's sentence. You totally know it was supposed to be less, but Javert never wanted Valjean to leave him. Javert asks Valjean if he has anything to say, and Valjean tells him HE WAS A WOODCUTTER! So Javert gives him three months of solitary confinement for insolence.

The Hole of Solitary Confinement. Rats snoop around Valjean's feet as he sulks and O woe the difficult life of an imprisoned man hopelessly in love with his guard!

The Room with the Turn-y Thing Again. Javert comes in and sees a decrepit-looking old man turning the turn-y thing, and asks who it is. Javert's sidekick explains that it's Valjean, and Javert can't believe his love-puppy looks so hairy. Well, I guess that's what happens when you lock a woodcutter in The Hole. Javert gazes.

I've been really tryin' baby… Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long!

Outside the Prison. Jean is mid-escape, running in a very flouncy way through a field and failing again. He gets cornered and decides not to jump off a cliff into a distant sea, so he gets recaptured. And beaten with sticks. Boohoo.

Room With Desk. Javert gives him ten more years, asks him if he has anything to say, and Valjean pledges to kill him. Javert looks rather put-out, and sends him to the Hole for disrespect.

…I just have to ask… What hole?

Javert?

And if you feel… Like I feel, baby…

The prisoners drag Valjean away while Javert tries not to cry.

The Hole. But not an anatomical one. Valjean jumps around and yells "RAWR!" He does, really.

Barracks, 1815. That same prisoner is still snoring like a little boy playing a game, and Javert is strolling around with a pouty face.

Some unintelligent-looking guy asks how long Clochepaille has been there, and learns that he and Valjean have been there for nineteen years. Clochepaille then tries to hit on Valjean again, asking if he thinks he'll ever be free. I guess he gave up spouting bad poetry about the moon years ago. Valjean declares that he'll be a thief when he grows up.

A Place I Have Trouble Explaining… Like… The Terrace of Toulon? Overlooking the Water? Ish? The prisoners are doing repair work on the wall, and some guy is dangling above the water like one of those window-washers in big cities. Despite the fact that they are nowhere near that quarry from before, rocks fall on him, and he ends up hanging from a little rope above the distant sea, blubbering. Valjean asks a nearby Not So Bright Guard to break his chains and let him try to save the guy and, much to the unhappiness of some of the other beard-y convicts (who think he's going to die), Jean climbs down the rope and saves the guy.

Javert shows up to look on with an extremely nervous expression on his face. You just know he's having to work not to yell, "Be careful, Jean-ikins!"

And then… Jean-ikins falls into the water just like you would if you were saving a sailor on the good ship Orion. Javert looks like he's about to go all Charles Laughton and burst into tears. Lulz. A bunch of guards go down to the beach-y thing to look for Valjean, and tell Javert they can't find the body. Javert turns away and wrestles with his emotions for a very long time. Valjean was a special prisoner, you see, for no one else in all the prison had the same little defiant sparkle in his eye, or the same curl to his mustache! Without him, Toulon just won't be the same to Javert. There will always be a void, an emptiness, a longing…

A Field. A very dry Valjean is running. He's so flouncy and pouncy!

A Barn. Valjean hijacks a chisel thingy and gets his chains off. Some guy comes in, threatens to shoot him, and they wrassle. Valjean pwns and runs.

A Shed. Valjean comes in, wearing somebody's stolen awesome clothes, and starts going through drawers. Some guy comes in, threatens to stab him, and they wrassle. Valjean pwns and runs.

A Street. Valjean runs by and gets tripped and mugged by three guys. He does not pwn, and he sort of staggers away instead of running.

A Digne. Valjean strolls into the bishop's house, but Madame Magloire actually tries to slam the door on him and push him out until Ze Frensssh Beesshop appears and says to let him in. Hahaha the bishop sounds like Lumière! And André the Giant! Got married! And had an old, old baby!

Ze Beesshop feeds Valjean and preaches at him while Valjean eats some food that looks suspiciously like a ginormous steak. I don't exactly know how ze beesshop could afford a giant steak on a yearly salary of 1,000 livres... eh. Ze Beesshop demands Madame Magloire wave the silver plates around. Valjean raises an eyebrow, and Ze Beesshop suddenly looks rather chagrined. Huh?

Night. Valjean gets up, gazes at the sleeping bishop, and goes over to the silver cabinet. ZE BEESSHOP WAKES UP, WATCHES HIM, AND ROLLS HIS EYES. Valjean leaves and Ze Beesshop starts to pray. Good Lord, I've never wanted Liam Neeson to come running in and punch an old man more than I do right now.

Morning. Madame Magloire freaks her stuff out when she finds that the silver is gone, but Ze Beesshop says that the silver belonged to the poor anyway. There's a knock on the door, which Magloire is sure means Valjean has come back to kill them, but it's the gendarmes and their newest prisoner, of course. Ze Beesshop tells him "You 'av forgotten ze cand-el-steeks! Ah 'av bought your soul-ah for Godt!" Valjean blubbers.

'Ere eends ze first phase een ze lah-eef of Jean Valjean. Tune in next time for WTF sur WTF, Gollum!Fantine, and a lot more Valjean/Javert gazing.

Whomp whom whomp whaa!