Disclaimer: RB belongs to ABC, not me.
Rated T, just because. (Paranoia, again.)
A/N: Still on a role, it would seem .. ;)
Just like Rachel on Glee, I seem to be finding Andy easiest to write. I don't know why, but I certainly don't mind!
This is a slight companion piece to 'One Cream, Two Sugars, And A Shot Of Caramel', but only a little bit. Not necessary to read the other one, at all. (Though I'd love it if you did!)
Hope you enjoy!
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Andy McNally. Set after 'Honor Role'.
It was what it was.
What does that even mean, anyways?
It was what it was … But what was it?
She wishes she knew.
Because if she had a clue what it meant, maybe she wouldn't be in the position she is. Maybe she'd be inside the cabin, curled up in Luke's comforting embrace, instead of out here on the steps. Maybe she'd be able to focus on her boyfriend, instead of on her training. Maybe the memories of that night, a week ago, wouldn't be plaguing her mind, making her feel guiltier and guiltier. (She isn't that kind of girl. She's not a cheater.) Maybe she wouldn't feel so terrible, because maybe she wouldn't be unable to bring herself to regret what had happened (and what was so close to happening) that night.
Maybe she wouldn't be breaking one of the most important promises she'd ever made herself.
She's disgusted with herself. This isn't her; this is her father. She is not like her father.
She's not.
And just to prove it, she throws the almost-full bottle away, over the edge of the porch, reveling in the sound of shattering glass. (At least until she remembers Luke – some fifteen feet away, at most – sleeping; she keeps perfectly still for a moment, ensuring that he's still sleeping soundly on, before she allows herself to so much as breathe.)
She refuses to be like her father, stooping so low as to drown her sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. Ugh. (At least it wasn't scotch. If it was, she doesn't think she could ever forgive herself for the slip-up.)
What's wrong with her?
Kissing a guy there are rules against her being with while she's in a relationship; thinking about the same guy while she's away at her boyfriend's fishing cabin, while said boyfriend is sleeping in the room behind her.
She doesn't even know who she's become anymore.
Her dad had warned her of this, when she told him that she wanted to be a cop. And she'd known that a certain amount of change would occur. Nobody can see the things that a cop sees every day and stay the same.
She just never expected so much, so soon.
She never expected this kind of change.
And she certainly never expected Sam Swarek.
She thinks that he's a big part of the change. Not that it's his fault, per se … But without him, she wouldn't be thinking about him, and that night. Without him, she wouldn't have as much to feel guilty about. Without him, she wouldn't be having doubts about her relationship with Luke, who is supposedly the perfect guy.
(She wouldn't be so acutely aware of all the ways he's not perfect. Like the way he's married to his job, and the way that he can't make her laugh very easily, and the way that he seems to be a little too used to and indifferent to death.)
She certainly wouldn't be suffering from severe insomnia, desperately puzzling over a five-word sentence, would she?
… It was what is was.
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Please let me know what you think!
