Disclaimers: I do not own FFVII or any of its characters. I do however own a lot of the OCs that will be featured in this parody.
----Escargot et Quiche!
Chapter Une: The New PLAIN Girl
Arwen Marie Suet was a lovely young girl with long flowing luxurious purple locks. No wait that would make dear Arwen a Sue. Okay her hair was mousy brown and she needed glasses, yes…glasses. However, despite the lack of good vision, she wore contacts so that her bright green eyes would shimmer. All her life she was called pretty, but in fact she considered herself plain. Arwen plain and tall. My, she was just so modest with herself.
The young normal vixen was going to join the Turks. You see Arwen was orphaned when she was two-years old, but she remembered it all despite scientific studies showing that more than eighty-five percent of the whole human population begins to remember at past the age of three to four. Her parents died because they had secret information that would ruin Shinra completely. Their assassins were the Turks. The horrible, evil, yet bad ass Turks. Arwen could even recall who exactly the killer was. That's how plain yet magical she is.
Turk training usually lasted for six months, but since young Arwen was so lithe, prodigious, and bent on revenge, she completed the full course in seven weeks. Oh did I mention how plain and not-so pretty she is?
Reno was the cheapest, skankiest, immoral whore out of all the Turks. Every night he would go to a bar, buy the hottest woman a drink, and have sex with her. He was a one-night stand. The best fuck any man, woman, child, animal, plushy would ever have in their entire lifetime. He was loved by his colleagues at work, and was very professional in the most unorthodox manner. There was no other way in which this redhead could ever become the second-in-command of the Turks. But he was still a very lonely man under that tough and slutty exterior. If only there was a woman plain and jaded enough to change the error of his ways!
"Renault Heineken!" yelled Tseng, the obviously Asian boss from the Turks. His bindi began to change colors.
"Wait what the hell?" said Jay, the Reno doppelganger from the Before Crisis game.
"That's Reno's real name."
"Yes I know that, but why is your bindi red?"
"IT'S VERMILLION! Don't make fun of my culture!"
"I'm not. It just went-"
"Shut the fuck up, n00b!"
Tseng was such a hard ass sometimes. Ever since Veld appointed him to a higher position, he became stricter and less fun. Many times he would lose his temper and shout in Wutaiian err Wutanese? Wait no, yes… uhh Wutian? Aw fuck it, Wutan.
"Kuso! Baka Reno-sama tamahome desu manga-ka!"
Jay decided it was best to just smile and nod.
"Oh and word is that we have a new girl coming into the Turks," said Rude.
"Holy crap, I like didn't know you were here!" wanked Jay.
"…"
Rude… crap I need a surname. Oh, I got one, Rude Miyamoto. Rude Miyamoto was a very silent man. He spoke to no one except for his partner Reno. The man was practically invisible to most people, so whenever he decides to speak most people get startled and begin to proclaim his existence. Sometimes all he wanted to do was just go back home and have a normal conversation with someone intelligent about quantum physics, Ricky Martin, his fancy teacup collection, and communism. Was it too much to ask for? Why couldn't Reno, his BFF, be like that? If only there was someone plain yet gorgeous to stop Reno from being a damn crack whore and become a better human being!
Knock, knock.
"Come in," ninja-ed Tseng as he threw shurikins at a picture of Sephiroth.
"Hello."
Rude and Jay shifted uncomfortably at the plain yet beautiful young woman displayed before them. She looked like an absolute goddess, except for the fact that she had mousy brown tresses up in the average-girl ponytail. But hey she's plain. PLAIN I tell you! No Sue here dammit! I'll beat the crap out of you if you tell me she's a Mary Sue!
"…Did you guys hear something?" asked Tseng.
Jay looked at the ceiling, "It really sounds like it…do you think that was God?"
"Kami-sama deddo desu beeyotches!"
Rude coughed, "Please excuse Tseng."
"Oh that's okay," replied Arwen.
"So what's your name?" asked the Reno clone.
"My name is Arwen Marie Suet, but you can call me Arwen."
"ZOMG that is so cool. You're totally named after that elf chick from Lord of the Rings!" trekkied Jay.
Arwen giggled, "Can you believe that my parents never heard of that book too? It's a traditional name in our culture."
"Oh?" asked Tseng. "What culture?"
The new girl began to foreshadow a horrible and clichéd past as she took a good look at Tseng. 'Yes it's him… he killed my parents. Now I can finally have my revenge. At least I know they are within the lifestream. '
"Uhh hello? Earth to Arwen?" Jay waved his hand over her face. "You've been staring at Rude's shoes for the past ten minutes."
"Oh I'm sorry! I was just in deep thought. My culture? Well… I'm from Icicle Town."
"Really yo?" asked Reno as he entered Tseng's office a la I'm-a-sexy-beast.
Arwen blushed cutely and everyone just rolled their eyes at her obviousness. "Yes really" she retorted thinking she was the queen of retorts in the most plain way as possible.
Reno walked by with his nightstick at hand and tripped Arwen. "Welcome to Shinra Inc, ugly girl yo. I'm here to make a living hell out of it you."
"I can NEVER love you!"
Everyone stood silent and gave each other funny looks.
"Oh crap I said that out loud didn't I?"
"Hai baka onna, you did," said Tseng.
