"Goku! Slow down you dumb monkey! Where the hell are we going anyway?" Sha Gojyo grumbled as they stepped off the boat into the streets of New Orleans, Louisiana in the 1920's. Goku ripped off his clothes to reveal somehow a dapper vest, crisp white shirt, khaki dress slacks, nice shoes and a cute little cap, which really clashed with his coronet, but that's how it had to be, couldn't have the Seiten Taisei running around Bourbon Street causing more trouble than drunk Mardi Gras goers scrambling for beads. "And where did you get the weird ass clothes?"

"Oh, kick ass! This is gonna be awesome!" Goku leapt off the ship into a crowd of gushing flappers who went simply mad over his glorious golden eyes and winning smile.

"Yeah, sure, HE gets the girls, that makes a fuckton of sense." Gojyo rolled his eyes, hefting Goku's luggage. "Now where are we staying again?"

"Who cares? Let's just have some fun and get some food!" Goku grinned, barreling off down the cobblestone streets after a good restaurant, not a difficult thing to find in New Orleans.

"And no one is going to offer an explanation for our being in New Orleans? Really? And don't even think Hazel and Gat being American is an excuse, because there's no way they're from here." Gojyo cursed the heavens in vain.

"Who ain't from where, now?" A smooth, but distinctly NOT New Orleans southern drawl came from a shadowy alleyway right past where Goku was. The voice was followed by an equally shadowy figure stepping out of the alley, shoulder length silver hair neatly slicked back beneath a black top hat with a red band, a purple feather and a white skull and crossbones on it. The man was dressed in a black tailcoat which was opened, revealing a short purple vest which showed off his pale, trim stomach right before a pair of long black dress slacks and nice two-tone shoes. He also wore a necklace of fangs and a gold pendant around his pale, slender throat.

"Oh no, not you." Gojyo groaned. "I knew today was going to be bad when I woke up in a butler outfit with Goku ordering me around and now you're here! How could today possibly get any worse!?"

"Wow! Who are you?" Goku gasped, enchanted by the mysterious, blue eyed stranger.

"Y'all can call me either Hazel or Dr. Grosse…Glosse….Grouse….However the fandom is spellin' it today. At any rate, want me to read y'all's future?" Hazel grinned.

"Kick ass! Hell yeah, I want ya ta read my future!" Goku grinned.

"The hell I'm going anywhere with you, fruity!" Gojyo glared at Hazel, but his protests fell on deaf ears as Goku dragged him off after Hazel down the dark, foreboding, shadowy alleyway towards a Voodoo shop. "Weren't you Catholic, like, yesterday?" Gojyo raised an eyebrow as he questioned Hazel.

"Quiet, you." Hazel replied, unlocking the door and walking in, on the wall was a mask with horns, glasses and a haircut that made it look suspiciously like Ukoku Sanzo, another mask with dreads and a bandana, a third mask with purple hair and eerie green eyes and a final mask with long blue hair and an evil smile. The Ukoku mask was in the very center, leering over a small table with three chairs, one of which Hazel immediately sat in.

"No, seriously, this is ridiculous; I fucking flat out refuse to be in close quarters with a fag and a monkey." Gojyo protested.

"Don't you disrespect me, half-breed! Don't you derog--" Hazel began until Ukoku mask interrupted.

"Copyright infringement, Little Angel, will land you in pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. You'd be quite popular there, actually." He smirked.

"Right…Well, I changed one of the words…Oh well, better safe than sorry…" Hazel shrugged. "Anyway, can I still say 'I got friends on the other side'?"

"That's probably fine, moving right along." The purple haired mask, Zakuro, confirmed.

"You know, I think copyright was infringed the moment Hazel put on that costume…" Chin Yisou mask, the one with blue hair, mused.

"That conversation's over! 'S time for cards, so gather 'round, y'all!" Hazel shouted.

"Cards! Finally something I'm good at." Gojyo sighed with relief.

"Not gamblin', numbskull, I'm readin' y'all's fortunes, weren't ya listenin' when I explained that earlier?" Hazel face-palm'd. "Anyway, take three an' we'll have a look into y'all's future." He smiled, perching his chin on the back of one hand and holding out the cards with the other.

Goku took three cards and set them out, as did Gojyo (reluctantly). Hazel grinned and turned Goku's cards over. "I see that y'all are from across the sea…and…y'all were….born from a rock….well, I don't even wanna know how a rock gets knocked up, but anyhow, y'all like ta eat, but since ya ain't got a job, ya can't afford the finer things y'all're so fond of, so yer solution is y'all best be marryin' someone with money."

"Up until I woke up in a butler outfit, Sanzo paid for all the food." Gojyo interjected.

"Who?" Goku cocked his head.

"You honestly don't remember Sanzo!? Seriously!? Okay, I'm breaking the fourth wall here, this merits it! Crackfic or not, the author can't just expect the audience to believe Goku would forget who Sanzo is!" Gojyo was almost tearing his hair out. "This is poor writing is what it is!"

"Hey!" Hazel shouted. When he had Gojyo's attention, he smiled sweetly and simply said: "Shut up, y'all're ruinin' the story. At any rate, marriage ties ya down, y'all don't want that, but to be free y'all need some frog skin, an' lucky for y'all, I see plenty of that in the future."

Gojyo looked like he was about to say something, until Hazel turned to him and gave a sympathetic look. "Now, you, my friend, are a waste of flesh who's been kicked around all his life, you get bossed around by Sanzo and Goku and the narrator and if you got married, you'd be bossed 'round by Hakkai."

"Why Hakkai!? Why does everyone think we're gay?!" Gojyo snapped.

"I ain't touchin' that one." Hazel blinked. "But anyway, in y'all's future, I see a new Gojyo, though. Y'all're large an' in charge…"

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that!" Gojyo shook his head.

"With lots of money…"

"Nope, not listening"

"And the others kneeling before you…"

"Wait, what?"

"And a harem of the world's most attractive women…"Hazel continued.

"Go on…."

"And free booze and cigarettes…."

"You had me at 'world's most attractive women', where do I sign?"

"Just both of y'all shake my hand." Hazel smirked slyly.

"All of the sudden, I'm not so sure about this…" Goku frowned.

"What're you, stupid, ya dumb ape!? Just look at the honest smile! How can you not trust that face? Now shake his hand!" Gojyo chided hurriedly. And with a gulp, Goku and Gojyo shook Hazel's hands and the whole room began to spin, colored lights and sparks flew everywhere, the masks began chanting and Goku and Gojyo were suddenly held in place by snakes tying them to their chairs.

"If you ain't happy with what y'all get, y'all can blame my friends on the other side!" Hazel laughed. And as Gojyo and Goku felt the transformations upon them, The Disney Corporation and Randy Newman had a subpoena issued for 'Great Bishop Hazel', while somewhere else Kazuya Minekura felt a sudden urge to kill a certain fanfiction writer and Walt Disney turned in his grave.