This is my first story. Let me know what you think. I own no characters, just like having fun with them.
Takes place from the end of Brimstone, Christmas Episode
Nate returned to the Ops Center after dropping Tariq off with his family. Such great joy filled his heart as he watched the Marine reunite with his loved ones after months of physical and emotional turmoil and yet his heart still weighed heavy with the sadness of his own loss. This was the reason he became a psychologist, so he could see other's pain and help them to overcome it even if he knew he would never be given the opportunity to do the same for himself. What a great ending to such a stress filled day, and yet driving back toward Ops he felt a weight overcome him thinking about his teammates.
He sat in his car for a while thinking about his talk with Hetty earlier in the day and the events that led up to closing this case. He was frustrated about being stonewalled by the agents and feared the upcoming psych evals he would have to do. He remembered her saying, "In my experience, if you're patient, sooner or later the people who need to talk will seek you out often under the guise of some other intention... you just have to listen." That piece of advice weighed on Nate as he recalled some of the conversations he had with the agents the past few weeks, especially with Callen. He knew what his job entailed, but he also knew that profiling terrorists and agents was his greatest strength of all his psychological talents. However, doing therapy was an art and it was an art he was still developing and trying to become good at. Nevermind the fact that he worked with the most closed off, most emotionally stunted people in L.A., he saw their emotional shortcomings and psychological stressors as his failings.
Nate knew he was supposed to keep the agents mentally healthy, or at least stable, but the past few weeks he had only minimally helped and was beginning to notice how much more stressed and less put together each of his team mates had become. It's taking a toll on their psyche and I've done nothing to help them relieve it. They simply won't let me, Nate thought to himself. Even debriefing the agents after every case was like trying to pull teeth from a lion. If anything, today showed Nate that he has gotten nowhere with Sam or Callen and that they see him as a toy to play with and make fun of instead of talk to. Nate would never let them know how hurt he felt, like a school kid on a playground who just got pushed down by the local bully, when they scared him into spilling his coffee all over his shirt.
Hetty was right, it was time to start opening his eyes and ears more and listening to everything his agents were telling him and then respond accordingly. Feeling more confident in himself, after processing the day in his head, Nate stepped out of the car and walked into Ops. He found his teammates drinking merrily with each other, picking on Kensi about her dating life and somewhat drunk from the alcohol Hetty had provided. Nate stood off to the side, out of sight initially just to observe the team enjoying each other. A few moments later he joined them with a smile on his face.
"Nate! Hey Doc, how did it go?" Callen asked sitting on the couch with a small grin on his face and a scotch in his hand.
Nate smiled, "I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Tariq is finally back where he belongs."
"And you Mr. Getz, are finally back where you belong." Hetty replied bringing over a glass filled with some scotch. Nate smiled appreciatively for the drink and the comment. Hetty turned around to face the team, "A toast, to Mr. Getz and all that he does to keep us sane and safe."
"Here, here. To Nate," everyone said lifting their glasses. While Nate appreciated the sentiment, he didn't feel like he deserved it, but he smiled and went along with it.
The team spent several more hours together drinking, blowing off some steam, and enjoying each other's company. After all it was Christmas Eve and none of them had any family close by or any that they even wanted to be with; this was their family. Nate was the first to say goodnight, still feeling out of place among the team, he decided to turn it in early and spend the night alone. Christmas Eve was always a rough night for him anyway, and instead of being around people who seemed to make fun of him more than talk to him, he decided to spend the rest of the holiday home alone.
Callen sat quietly watching as Nate sadly walked out debating on whether he should've said what he wanted to tell Nate, but decided to brush it off. Hetty, noticing Callen contemplating, approached Callen. She sat down on the couch next to him in silence for a moment, then said, "You know how lucky you are to have him on the team?" Callen nodded his head. Hetty continued, "He can be a real asset to your team if you let him Mr. Callen."
"He makes me nervous for some reason," Callen said looking in the direction Nate left wondering why the annoyingly happy psychologist seemed sad when he left.
Hetty asked innocently, "Because he might know more about you than you do Mr. Callen?"
Callen shook his head with uncertainty. "I don't know." He put his glass on the table giving up. "Maybe."
Hetty paused then looked back up at Callen, "He has always had your back Mr. Callen."
Callen looked over at Hetty surprised, "He's a psychologist Hetty, he has the best interest of NCIS in mind, not mine."
Hetty, almost insulted at what Callen was saying, sniped back at him, "That is not true Mr. Callen. Yes, it is Nate's job to speak up if the emotional state of its agents affect NCIS, but Nate has cut all of you a lot of slack, especially you Mr. Callen."
Callen didn't say anything, but seemed confused. Hetty continued, "You know the case we had several weeks ago concerning your shooting and Aleina? He wanted very much to pull you off that case, which any Operational Psychologist would have done, but Nate didn't hoping the case might give you more insight into your life; a mistake that could have cost him his job."
"I had no idea," Callen said guiltily.
"He genuinely cares about each of you. Maybe its time you show him the same in return." Hetty retorted then walked back into her office leaving Callen to ponder what she expected him do.
In the parking lot, as Nate opened his car door he heard a voice shout across the lot, "Hey Nate, wait up," Callen said approaching Nate's car. Nate turned around; it was Callen. "You have a sec?"
Nate looked at Callen gently, with a sense of hope in his eyes. "Of course. What's up?"
"You okay? You seemed a little bummed out for a guy who just reunited a Marine with his family on Christmas Eve?" Callen asked.
Nate put on his fake smile and looked over at Callen, "I'm fine Callen. Just the holidays."
"You going to see family tomorrow?" Callen asked.
"What's going on Callen?" Nate changed the subject almost uncomfortable with Callen's questions.
Callen looked down at the ground, hesitating for a brief moment, uncertain how to talk to Nate. Nate noticed his hesitation and patiently waited for Callen to continue, "I just wanted to apologize for earlier, you know the whole tie incident? Sam and I felt bad after you walked away somewhat peeved. We weren't trying to upset you and I realize that sometimes we take advantage of your gullible demeanor. Its just too hard to resist some days."
"Oh, I can take a joke." Nate smiled and chuckled in his goofy laugh then furrowed his eye brows in a mocking serious manner. "I'm a lot tougher than you think."
"I know you are." Callen paused and looked Nate in the eyes. Nate was looking back at Callen with intrigue. Every time he looked at Callen's blue eyes he could see the emptiness Callen carried with him. With Kensi he saw loss, with Sam he saw torment, but with Callen it was always a sad emptiness. Nate's face changed and he could sense there was something more to Callen's abrupt conversation.
Nate leaned his head down then back up at Callen, "What's wrong Callen?"
"I don't like talking to you Nate." Callen said frankly.
"Oh." Nate said somewhat hurt. He just wanted this day to end already.
"I didn't mean it like that. Its just, you make me nervous." Nate shook his head uncertain how to respond to Callen's attacks. "If I say the wrong word or squirm too much I'll lose my job, but Hetty seems to think I've got you all wrong." Nate didn't say anything, just carefully listened and observed what Callen was trying to tell him. "Anyways, she told me about your conversation earlier today."
"Oh," Nate said surprised and sort of embarrassed. He was under the impression that was a confidential conversation.
Callen continued, "Well not so much what you said or anything like that, she just seemed to imply that we might be acting a little harsh toward you and I, as team leader, aren't using you to your full potential as an Operational Psychologist."
"Oh," Nate said again with a surprised look. Just then he remembered Hetty's words again, the people who need to talk will seek you out often under the guise of some other intention, YOU just have to LISTEN. Was this what Hetty was talking about? Callen had never approached Nate on his own like this in such a private manner, now he's talking about not using ALL of Nate's psychological skills. Is this Callen's attempt to reach out? Nate decided to play along, hoping something more might come out of this conversation to answer his questions.
"She's right you know. I can contribute a lot more to this team than I am, but I can't force those contributions on you guys. I feel like I contribute what you let me contribute and other times I'm supposed to sit back and watch you guys struggle, when you don't have to." Nate said in a serious, yet calming voice. "You think I have all of you on a tight psychological leash when really I'm the one on the leash."
Callen looked down at the ground, then back over his shoulder. Still standing next to Nate's car Callen decided to take the conversation a different direction. He stared at Nate for a moment debating on whether to continue the conversation or just say good night, but there was still something unresolved. "Why don't we walk and talk for a minute? Wear off some of the booze."
Nate was completely thrown off track. This wasn't Callen's typical demeanor, but then again Nate had seen Callen take care of his teammates many times, he just never expected to experience it first hand. He'd seen a softer, less closed off side of Callen when Callen thought no one was looking. Tonight of all nights Callen wanted to talk and Nate did not, he just wanted to go home. He was tired of being verbally abused and kicked in the head when he was already feeling down, but he had to put his feelings aside if he was ever going to make progress with Callen, even tonight. "Yeah, ok." Nate replied.
The two men walked back into Ops. Some of the team members were still talking, Eric had fallen asleep on the couch and Hetty had gone home, or so they thought, but Sam and Kensi were sitting on the couch talking and laughing still. Sam saw Callen walk in with Nate and almost did a double take.
"Whoa." Sam said to Kensi.
Kensi whipped around to see Callen talking with Nate and walking back toward Nate's office. "What do you think that was all about?"
"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not what we're hoping it is." Sam replied. Kensi and Sam weren't fond of Nate's occupation as a psychologist, but they still liked him as a person. They believed Callen hated Nate on all levels, but always hoped they were wrong because if anyone needed a psychologist as a friend, it was Callen.
Nate and Callen walked the halls of Ops for a few minutes. Nate waited for Callen to start talking, but Callen just breathed heavy and seemed to be lost in his mind thinking of words, so Nate prodded just a bit, "So, what's really going on Callen?"
Callen stopped and looked up at Nate with serious, yet calm eyes, "Look Doc, I hate being in my head and the last thing I want is to find you in there exploring. Hell, I'm uncomfortable with how much you know about me already," Callen explained frankly. "With that said, I realize my behavior toward you while on the job is sometimes short and unprofessional and I see the team treating you the same way. To say the least, I'm not role modeling well and I'm giving them the opportunity to just follow in my footsteps."
"Okay? Am I missing something?" Nate said feeling confused. This was an odd conversation to be having with Callen. Nate didn't necessarily agree and didn't understand why Callen felt so guilty about something that was a non-issue for Nate, but he quietly let Callen continue.
"I guess watching you walk in today in your suit, thinking you might have another job interview…well lets just say it wasn't a pleasant sight." Callen said.
"You don't like my clothes? Again with the clothes? Why is my wardrobe such an issue with everyone today?" Nate said in an even more confusing, yet slightly irritated voice.
"Nate it's not the clothes. It was the thought of you leaving that…well…" Callen paused and looked away from Nate, irritated that he would have to say it.
Nate noticed Callen was a little fidgety and clearing his throat more frequently than normal. Callen was slightly anxious. Nate leaned his head back a little as if he just had an epiphany; he realized what Callen was trying to say. He was listening "between the lines" like Hetty suggested.
"It bothered you." Nate said gently, and yet not surprised Callen felt that way at all. Fear of abandonment was one of Callen's biggest struggles, yet he was sure Callen didn't know that.
"Sure." Callen said nonchalantly.
Nate chuckled, and smiled softly at Callen as he does when he's trying to be sincere and empathic. "I'm not going anywhere nor are you guys going to run me off with your cold shoulders and lousy pranks. I love my job and I enjoy working with you, even if you take advantage of my gullible demeanor too often."
Callen nodded and said, "Good to know. Well, Merry Christmas." Callen turned to walk away when Nate said in a more forceful voice, "Do you know why?"
Callen turned back around to face Nate confused, "Why what?"
"Why you felt bothered by me leaving." Nate asked curiously.
Callen smiled and pointed a finger at him, "Stay out of my head Nate. Now go home."
Nate let him go. If Nate pushed him too hard, then all he would do was simply push him away. Nate would have to be patient, but tonight was a step in the right direction at least.
