Title: Lessons In Polygamy
By: Owai
Summary: Doublespeak, medication, and the importance of being Lee. Drabble. GaaSakuLee
A/N: Requested crack.


"You see, Neji, Konoha doesn't allow for polygamous marriages, but Suna does." Lee is saying, and while Neji is certain that his head is going to explode, he is unsure whether from the head cold or from what Lee is telling him. His eyes shift to Gaara, who, Neji has noticed over the years, is impervious to his Glare of Doom and the Death Glare from the Depths of Darkness. Gaara apparently is not, however, immune to the Best Friend Eye of Scrutiny.

Sakura, Neji finds out a moment later, is.

"You're insane," Neji croaks, voice sounding something like the rumbling bowls of the Lochness Monster.

"Now, I understand how sudden this must seem, especially with all the drugs you're on and all..." Lee is pulling a couple of tylenol from one of the bottles by Neji's bed and filling a small cup with NyQuil as he talks, calloused hands working quickly to crush the pills into dust that dissipates immediately into the green, corrosive looking liquid,

"Lee," Sakura interjects, eyes on Lee's movements as Gaara stands back and crosses his arms, a phantom of mild, sadistic interest playing on his features.

"But you know that Gaara and I have been seeing each other for almost two years now, and ever since we were kids--well, more kids than we are now...do you think nineteen is too young to be getting married?--anyway, ever since we were kids I've loved Sakura-san with the passion of a thousand--well, it's only natural that something like this would happen--here, drink this, Neji." Neji is unable to respond as Lee pours a vile mixture of drugs down his throat, and he is certain he's going to overdose on something, or at least go absolutely insane the moment Lee stops talking (if he ever does). His eyes shoot to Sakura, who is standing by with a worried look on her face as Neji sputters at the taste and consistency, ending the melee with a symphony of coughing. Gaara is nearly snickering by now.

"Geez, Neji, take it easy." Lee gives his jounin friend a hearty slap on the back, which immediately arrests Neji's heart, cough, and sense of reason.

"Are you all right, Neji-kun?" Sakura asks, looking like she's thinking of pulling Lee away from the Hyuuga and making a run for it before the entire compound files in and pokes them all to death for murdering the clan prodigy.

"Water," Neji gasps, and surprisingly it's Gaara that produces the cup and stands silent at Neji's side as his heart rate returns to normal and he begins to feel more relaxed, yet oddly drowsy. Suddenly, this whole idea of Lee getting married isn't sounding like such a bad plan after all.

"Anyway, Neji, like I said before, it's only natural that this would happen. And even though you don't understand it, it's only because you've never had a meaningful romantic relationship in your life--and that's fine!" Lee's words are hasty, but Neji's really not paying attention anymore; the air above Gaara's head is shimmering, "Your spirit is probably just too overwhelming for some people--I'm sure you'll find someone! And then, well, then you'll understand, Neji." Lee finally stops talking, and is watching Neji more carefully than he had been before as the Hyuuga stares in fascination at Gaara's stoic form.

"Neji?"

"Yes, Lee?" Neji sighs softly, sounding oddly complacent.

"So, you'll come, right? And be my best man? I'll make sure you catch the bouquet--you know what they say about that..." Lee pauses. "Neji? ...Neji?"

"Y-ess." Neji mumbles quietly, eyes closed as his breathing begins to even.

"It appears that the Hyuuga has fallen asleep. Or died." Gaara states amusedly, clearly having a preference toward the latter. Sakura sighs and carefully pulls Neji into a more comfortable position, pushing the blankets around his chest and then crossing her arms in a very irritated fashion.

"Great, Lee." Sakura says, throwing her arms into the air before grabbing both Lee and Gaara and pulling them out of Neji's quarters. "You had to drug him to get him to agree."

As the three exit, Gaara glances back at the slumbering Hyuuga, not-there eyebrows creasing.

"There are other ways?" He asks dubiously.