This will be a collection of one-shots that focus on Glenda Quagmire. There'll be some original stories. This is inspired by "Valentine's Day in Quahog", where everyone sees Quagmire as a woman named Glenda Vajmire. But I stuck with his original surname since "Vajmire" sounds too made-up.

I thought it'd be amusingly interesting if Quagmire as a woman hangs with Peter, Cleveland and Joe. It would make for a more interestingly diverse group of friends: a stupid Irish-American fat guy, a black guy, a sex-crazed bisexual white woman, and a paraplegic semi-retired white cop. And how much of an impact she has on the main characters' lives.

I imagine Glenda being voiced by Alex Borstein, who also voices Lois Griffin, but using her natural voice like Nicole, the wife of Ernie the Giant Chicken.

Hope you'll enjoy it. :)


Death Has a Shadow

"Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your father going to a stag party tonight." Lois discussed.

"Relax, mom." Meg reassured her mother. "It's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of The Ten Commandments."

"Hehe, 'Thou shall get drunk'. Yeah!" Chris chuckled.

"Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that." Lois told her son.

"Besides, mom. It's not gonna be all guys, Glenda Quagmire will be there too. You know how that lady is like." Meg stated.

"Well that's true, she prefers the company of men more than women." Lois explained, "Plus, she's bisexual who leans more towards lesbian."

Cutaway Gag #1

A woman with raven hair, wearing a button-top red shirt, jeans, and black shoes, sitting between three men who are airline pilots, and with two strippers.

"Aren't we all pals? I work at the airport as a stewardess! This is empowering! Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You guys are probalby gonna be talking about this forever! A woman who's so cool with this!"

Another stripper comes up and starts giving Glenda a lapdance.

"Allriiiiiiight! Jackpot!" Glenda exclaimed as she grabs the stripper's shaking hips. "Giggity!"

End

"Mom, can I turn the heat up?" Meg then asked, "It's kind of cold in here."

"Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset." Lois said.

"Come on, this thing does up to 90." Meg replied. She barely turned the dial when Peter bursts into the room.

"Who touched the thermostat?" Peter said.

"God, how does he always know?" Meg questioned.

"Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messin' with the dial." Peter told her daughter.

Right after he said that, a man immediately came in from the back door. "Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?"

"Yeah, it's alright." Peter said to the man.

"Hey, is my kid over here?" said a black man who then entered the scene.

"Forget it! False alarm!" The first man said. Then another possible father came up from behind the other two dads.

"Whoa, ass ahoy." Brian said whilst entering the room, then asked "Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?"

"He's going to a stag party." Lois answered Brian's question with her arms crossed.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you had plans." Brian said remembering Peter's plans for tonight. "Say, when are you leaving for the party, Peter?"

"Eh, in about 15 minutes." Peter told Brian before turning to Lois as he then tried to convince her about letting him go. "And Lois, before you say anything, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house and as a man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party." Peter demanded.

"Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always lead to trouble." Lois said to Peter, hoping he would take it seriously.

"Come on, you're worrying about nothing." Peter told her, trying to get her to relax. "And besides, alcohol doesn't affect me."

"Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?" Lois asked Peter, reminding him that this sort of thing had happened before.

Cutaway Gag #2

At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone. "And so The Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body." The pastor said.

"Oh geez" God, who sitting down, cringed as listening to the pastor.

The pastor continued his sermon. "Yet miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity." While the pastor was talking, Peter was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup he was allowed to drink, then he coughed.

"Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?" Peter asked the pastor, now intoxicated.

The pastor answered, "Yes."

"Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?" Peter drunkenly remarked.

End

Lois continued her point. "And then there was that time at the ice cream store."

Cutaway Gag #3

The Griffins were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member, except Lois, who was holding Stewie, and Brian have their own scoop of ice cream.

"Aw, Butter Rum's my favorite." Peter exclaimed at his ice cream. As he takes a single lick, he passes out on a nearby table.

End

Brian emerges from underneath the table and furthers Lois's example. "And remember you had Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?"

Cutaway Gag #4

The Griffins were at a movie theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Peter seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. He then realized the subject as he claps his hands together and says "I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it." Meg and Lois turned their heads towards Peter in slight annoyance. "Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch." Peter continued.

Then on the screen, it showed the said actor saying "I have AIDS." Peter then bursted out laughing at what he said, believing it to be a joke. His daughter, Meg, however, gave him a very mad look on her face.

End

"Promise me, Peter." Lois said in irritants, hoping he would.

"Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight." Peter proclaimed.

Immediately, at the stag party, the woman Glenda Quagmire said "Hey! Who wants to play 'Drink the Beer'?"

"Right here." Peter said. He chugged the beer."

"Heh, you win!" Glenda said.

"Alright! What do I win?" Peter asked.

"Another beer!" Glenda said, handing another can to Peter.

"Oh, I'm going for the high score!" Peter excitedly claimed.

"Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score." Glenda said, pointing to a man urinating in a grandfather clock. "Hey man, your clock won't flush." said Charlie.

Soon then, Peter began to feel guilty about breaking his promise to Lois, which he then told the gang. "You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink."

"Aw, don't feel bad, Peter." Glenda consoles Peter.

"Huh, gee. I never really thought of it that way."

"Hey! Did you bring the porno?" A man to Peter's right said.

"Did I bring the porno, eh?" Peter replied, holding up a video cassette entitled Assablanca on the front. "You're gonna love it. It's a classic."

The guys, and Glenda, were watching the movie on a couch. The movie they were watching was an erotic version of the classic film Casablanca.

"Listen, Ilsa. If I tske this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not today. But soon, for the rest of your life." The man in a trenchcoat said to Ilsa.

"Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!" Peter told the fictional character, desperate to see some action.

Back to the movie, Ilsa then took off her robe, revealing herself in her underwear. Just as she was about to remove her bra, static cuts the scene to a picture of the Statue of Liberty. "The statue was originally a gift from France." said the announcer, as it was a documentary.

"What is this?" Charlie demanded.

"Aw, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class." Peter replied in realization.

Glenda and almost all the guys there groaned in disappointment. "Aw, the Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?" One of them asked.

"Guys, guys, we're gonna drink till she's hot." Peter suggested.

"Eh, that's just crazy enough to work!" Glenda immediately agreed with.

Soon, they were all busy slurping and consuming much alcohol in order to satisfy their specific needs.