A/N: Set after "The Lying Detective." Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors.
Disclaimer: Characters Do not Belong To Me.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't do this anymore.
Molly curled up in her bed. The sickening sweet taste of sugar still in her mouth.
She had just returned from eating dessert from a cake place for Sherlock's birthday. He seemed indulgent in allowing her and John to celebrate it in a small way. It was the least he could do since he allowed himself fall back into having yet another near death experience. It was the third time Sherlock put himself in harm's way to save his friend, John Watson.
They were teasing each other congenially until a sound interrupted them.
The sound was a familiar breathy sigh.
It was a sound Molly could never forget from that Christmas years ago
Sherlock's hand reached into his pocket to turn the sound off on his phone. John was looking at Molly with an almost apologetic look on his face. Molly just smiled at him reassuringly. She ignored it and resumed their conversation.
It didn't surprise her that Irene Adler was alive. Intelligent as she was beautiful, considering how much she affected the detective, Molly was sure he would never allow her to simply be killed off. What surprised her, was that Sherlock was still in contact.
Out of all the years he has known her, Molly Hooper knew she would never truly "have" the consulting detective. Not in a meaningful partner in life sort of way. Sherlock Holmes was a man who needed to be managed and wrangled, not someone that could stand up on his own. For all his intelligence, he was emotionally stunted. His constant need for support and attention was tiring at times. His drug use put her on the edge of her seat on an emotional rollercoaster, with his ups and downs.
He frightened her, as he regaled the tale of Culverton Smith and the plan to get John Watson back into the game. That word infuriated her the most, "The Game." When she examined him in the ambulance, she estimated that he would have weeks to live, if he continued using drugs at the rate he was going. The lengths he would go and do to himself, terrified the pathologist.
All her life, things have been taken away. First there were here parents, then she was isolated from her friends by keeping Sherlock's survival in the "The Fall" a secret. Then there was her failed engagement with Tom, and Sherlock's exile. Molly's desire to have a baby were fulfilled unexpectedly by Mary's death. She mourned her friend and primarily took care of her godchild. Rosie, while John needed time to sort himself out. After that, John slowly took more care over her as well, needing her less and less. Again, Molly Hooper was relegated to the sidelines. Despite knowing both men for so many years, she still felt like she was not a part of the core group, rather than being someone who was tolerated and useful. Would Sherlock go through as much as he did for John for her? She could not say yes or no with any certainty or satisfaction.
She knew she mattered. Sherlock had said so. But she would never be first.
No. Molly knows she has to shield her heart from the detective.
But that does not stop the tears from falling onto her pillow.
