SO I was like, let's try write with an accent! I am sick at home and bored and still fangirling like crazy over Yurio and Otabek. This is dumb, and gay, so be warned. Also I wrote this this afternoon after staying awake 'til five last night monologuing my way through this and the following chapters. (Should be 3-4, at most. But, then, I always say that.)
I copied Yurio's accent from his voice actor in the dub. It's so bad, OK? I realise I should probably never do this again unless it's a parody. It's basically a parody lol. Let me know if it is totally unreadable. I am happy with this as an experiment but would also like it to be enjoyed :)
Please review and let me know what you think!
(=・ω・=)
My name iz Yuri Plisetsky. My goal iz to be named de top skater in de world in my first senior season. I'm de unbeatable Ice Tiger of Russia!
Or, I should say: dat WAS my goal. However, I haff already achieved it and dat iz old news already. Where haff you been, baka? Anyway, dis story iz not even related to dat. I was seemply introducing myself, you see? Fuck dis, anyway. Introduction OVER.
Here I em, beck at de Grand Prix Final a whole year efter you haff seen me last. I em here to reclaim my title and shove it in a certain heppy couple's face, heh heh. Agh, but unfortunately for me dat same stoopid couple haff been with me every step of de way, and belief me dey haff not SHADDAP de whole ride here. "Yurio~ Are you excited to see Otabek, da?" "How will you greet Otabek, Yurio~?" "Will you geev him kees for me, Yuri—?" NO, Viktor, I will not geev him kees for YOU, I will gve him kees for ME, IDIOT. No — WAIT — I won't kees him at all! Dat iz GROSS!
"Oh, have you kept up with Otabek, Yurio?" Dat was Katsudon, playing de leetle innocent bastard card as always. Dey both know veery well I haff kept in contect with Beka. I text heem every single day, don't I? And I always send heem pics of cool things I buy. Sometimes, I buy heem cool things, too. Sometimes I just think of heem, you know? Dat iz totally normal, since we are best friends in whole vide vorld.
(Sheet, my English sleeped there a second … WIDE WORLD. Right? Fuck dat double yew. I hate dat crep.)
Dem faggots do not understand. Ah … When I say faggot I do not mean it bedly, you know? I em also one, I theenk. Most likely I em. But some of dem theenk everything must be rainbows and cuddles and combing each other's stoopid hair and wearing matching fucking rings and God I theenk I'm gonna PUKE just theenking about it. Some straight chicks on de internet also theenk dis.
Btw I haff not put much thought into eet, but I em probably a bisexual genderfluid demiromantic, but — da — I do not like to label these things. Anyway, Otakek iz just my friend. However, I do mees him from time to time. Not in a gay way, as I haff explained.
We were heading out to dinner when I spotted heem. He was getting out of car with luggage and things, and dis iz very embarrassing but my own legs almost bolted towards heem to geev him beeeeeg koala hug, like with Grendpa. Sheet, dat iz so embarrassing! So stoopid, ha! Otabek iz nothink like Grendpa. For one thing, he iz veery youthful and hendsome. Yes, and veery beautiful skater. Veery fashionable too, with dat undercut — and cool, with dat fucking motorbike! Wow. He iz just great. Dat is my best friend, you know. Not so good at online messaging; dat iz like Grendpa, I will admit. I em always the one texting heem first. Ah, but I do not mind dis really. One time, he fell asleep while texting me, da. I was so peesed off. But, next morning, he responds perfectly and feels bed about falling asleep. Lol. He really iz perfect friend, Otabek. I em always asking heem to send pics because he iz soo cool and hendsome looking all de time and he should really build hees social media platform a leetle, but he never does, dat bastard.
"B-beka—" I started anyway, raising my arm to wave. I did not realise, but I was so excited dat I only said it under my own breath. Veery quiet, like. "Beka!" I called louder dis time, ignoring de sniggering Katsudon and squealing Viktor who was just asking to be punched in hees stoopid heart-shaped mouth right now. Tsk. Essholes. Beka now heard me, hees head turned and he paused as I waved violently with both of de arms. He pressed hees lips together in what I hev discovered is de classic "Otabek in public" smile. Dis is not really a smile at all, you see, but for Otabek … da. He waved.
Teehee. Dat iz my best friend.
I noticed he was with hees coach and everyone so I did not look for further attention. I em not like dat, like stoopid disgusting Viktor and Katsudon. I will just take selfie with him later in private and share with whole wide world.
I do not know yet if I will hug heem. I haff not decided. I did not hug heem when we said goodbye in Barcelona, see. I sort of wanted to hug Beka but it seems sort of lame so I probably won't do eet. I em not a lame-ess — like stoopid Katsudon or somethink. No fucking way.
"Let's go!" I announced, and my parents — by dat I mean Viktor and Katsudon — followed me. Dis is an inside joke we have. Dey were wearing stoopid grins but I ignored dem. I had enuff of dis shit from Mila, I do not need more Otayuri shippers right now. Yeah, dat iz what dey are calling us. So stoopid. So disgusting. Obviously we are just best friends forever. Dat iz so fucking obvious.
Peesed off at de world, I looked down at my phone. There were messages from Beka. I smiled a leetle.
"Let's meet later," he said! HA! Look at dat apostrophe! He iz always typing correctly, dat dork! Ahahaha! Sheet, he iz so demn cute. I began replying when the leetle dot dot dot showed up to show he was typing. Dot dot dot ... Dot? Eet just kept going. I stopped typing, but den de dots disappeared. But no message. What de heck? I erased my message and he started writing again. Dis boy takes for-fucking-ever to type, I em serious. I almost walk into lamppost many times because of heem. Dat dot dot dot disappeared again, but at same time hees message showed up. Thank God, dis was killing me.
"Good to see you."
*Chortle*
(Dat was me leffing. Dat Beka always makes me leff. He iz just so bed at messaging.)
Den he sent an emoji, you know de one with de smile? De pure smile? Like, he's just normal smiley guy — so heppy — you know dat one? Dat iz classic Beka. Like, get a new smiley, Beka! Use sunglasses guy or somethink! Use … well, at least eet's not dat demn thumbs up. HAHAHAHA. Beka! Too funny! So funny I will cry. I brought my phone to my face, smiling, not really theenking.
"Eh, Yurio, did you just kiss your phone?"
"~Oooh, iz dat Otabek you're texting, Yurio?"
"OH MY GOD! SHADDAP!"
Truth iz, I em embarrassed to see Beka again. I em excited and nervous, like leetle girl. Eet iz disgusting, da, I will admit. De problem iz — ugh, time for flashbeck, I GUESS …
Basically, Grendpa found old video of dis time I went to Yakov's summer kemp and basically showed eet to everybody (ffs ikr) and OF COURSE ev-er-ybody just heppened to notice dis cute leetle Kazakhstani ruffian in de beckground all de fucking time. Well, I em de idiot to point heem out in first place, since I em only one who knows Beka was at dat kemp. (He told me dis heemself, remember?) But anyway, Beka iz there, no beeg deal, right? Fucking wrong! SUDDENLY dey are all CONVINCED he iz staring at me! In every. Sinkle. Shot! Eet iz so embarrassing I could haff died right there on de floor. They put dat video on every sinkle time and point at Beka de entire time. "Look, look~ Here he iz glaring at you!" "Oooh, hees eyes are scary in dis one!~" Like, WHAT DE FUCK IZ DIS? No one will even appreciate my pre-adolescent ballet which I haff to say iz preety exceptional?! Dey are all just, Otabek dis, Otabek dat. Otabek luffs you. Otabek vants you. Bullcrep! It eez so demn infuriating. Even Grendpa! Even Grendpa does not defend his own grendson! He just sits there looking uncomfortable but also smiling as if — "Eet iz OK, Yurachka, Grendpa does not mind eef you are faggot. Dis iz no surprise to Grendpa." I haff never said fuck you, Grendpa. But — fuck you, Grendpa. I may be faggot but dis iz not de time for dat.
When everybody was gone I haff looked at dat video. Ha ha, Beka sure was adorable den! ~ I sent heem leetle snap of it. Actually, I do not think he responded to dat one. Dat bastard.
"~Ah, what was eet he said to you again?" asked Viktor presently, in dat stoopid sing-song voice.
I rolled my eyes. Dey do dis over and over, see. "Are you going to become friends with me or not." Eet iz my fault since I never should haff told dem about dis in de first place. But I was veery heppy to haff friend, OK, so shaddap about it already.
"Are you sure it wasn't, are you going to become boyfriends with me or not~?" sang Katsudon, clutching hees stoopid fiance's hands and staring at me with stoopid hearts for mouths. I HATE DEM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW DEY DO DAT. I HATE DEM BOTH.
"NO! IT! VOSN'T!" I yelled, and beat dem both down. But I do dat every time and dey haff steell never learned. Dis has gotten so bed dat I don't even know what to do when I see Beka again. Dis iz so demn embarrassing. I will leeterally die.
So, dis iz why I em anxious like leetle girl. Because of stoopid Viktor and stoopid Katsudon who make me stoopidly doubt that Beka DEFINITELY just said FRIENDS.
AAARRGH!
I mean … he said friends, da? He has to haff.
I mean, well, de only reason I em uncertain iz because of dat stoopid wind dat was wipping my hair all around my face and I had a doki doki going on so I was kind of in another place right den! I em preety sure he said friends! I em, like, eighty-seex percent sure! Or, OK, seventy-seex. Maybe more like seexty-five percent sure! But no lower dan dat!
However … eef my calculation iz correct, dat's like … ugh … forty-five percent chance we are leeterally boyfriends right now. Since we shook on it, da.
Wait, iz dat right?! Dat's stoopidly fucking high! Dis iz very vorrying! (Or is it wery worrying? WAT?)
FUCK!
Well, crep … I mean … what eef we really haff been boyfriends dis whole time? Dat's not possible, iz it? Am I seriosuly de stoopid one all along?!
And ... do not get me wrong … heh heh. I mean, I haff no problem being boyfriends with Beka. Beka iz perfect men, after all. And anyway, dis was plan all along. He iz my best friend, you see? We are just friends but I … well, he is perfect men, like I say. I am not saying dat I luff him, because I em not homo in the same stoopid romantical way dat Viktor is with a bowl of pork and rice and scrambled fucking eggs. However, I am still gay men, and Beka is still … veery attractive and veery talented and veeeery sexy men, and … uh, how do I say it? Dat is men I would climb like ledder.
Is dat de right expression? Climb like ledder?
And eef you do not belief me, please remember dat Grendpa has tapes of every event I haff ever skated in and — da! — I found Beka there too! I never noticed, but he was behind me dat whole time! I don't check to see eef he stares at me, because I em not gay like dat, so I just look at heem instead. Long story short, I haff seen dis men in velour, chiffon, lace and spandex so, DA! I FUCKING KNOW. Dat's enough men for me. Too much, perhaps, but we can figure dat out later.
Basically, eet was always inevitable dat Beka and I get together. It was SO obvious, men. Dat whole friends first bullcrep, dat is just mechanism for building tension, you see. It was about time I got a stoopid luff interest now that... Well. Da. At least, dat is what I thought. But if he said boyfriends dat time ... I guess we are moving faster den I expected.
Heh, which iz also totally fine! Really, I want to climb ledder already. Da. Da... I do not need to hug or exchange vows or nothing ... I em not gay like dat. I am ready for ledder. I am de Ice Tiger of Russia!
Dat aside, I do not want to prove those stoopid heads right either. So de only way to fix dis iz … for me, Yurio Plisetsky, to make de first move! FIRST, we haff to pretend dat de whole "Are you going to become boyfriends with me or not?" thing never heppened. DEN, I make first move on Beka, and nobody can say dat he luffed me when I was a child like creepy ten year old pedophile anymore! Because I haff seduced heem first!
Da, da, dis plan is GENIUS! I need to tell Beka —
"What are you grinning at, Yurio?"
I looked up to see my stoopid megane-kun, holding hands with a stoopid, failed, greying skater, and slid my phone beck into my pocket. "Nothink, leetle piggy," I said, pushing him aside as I walked past.
You see? Dis is de crep I haff been putting up with for like a year already. But I refuse to remain de third wheel any longer.
I start to realise dat I cannot tell Beka, because Beka iz part of de plan. Demn. But I mees heem already. I take out my phone again and stare at Beka's messages for some second or two. Den I write,
"Da
(=・ω・=)
Laters x"
I overthink de kees at de end a bit, but after all he iz feefty-five percent my boyfriend already, so I leave it in. Da, da, that will haff him begging at my feet before long! I start to laff maniacally.
"~Ehh, are you suuure you're OK, Yurio?"
I start to laff louder. I will show dem! I will win gold medal in de hot boyfriend final! Just you watch me, you stoopid essholes!
