Hello everyone, welcome to my impulsive new fanfiction idea! As you may know by now, I am a ZNN staff member, and as such, I've gotten to be a part of this wonderful movement to "zooify" every member on board. The result is that quirky little fellow who now serves as my main profile image. :3

Naturally, we at ZNN took this idea to its logical extreme and started doing roleplay sessions with our new characters. This right here is my attempt to turn a bunch of guys doing spontaneous hijinks for laughs into a series of cohesive stories for YOU, the general public. That said, there's a few basic guidelines I have set for myself when starting this:

1. I will keep each character's dialogue and actions in separate paragraphs in order to get the proper RP feel. It may look a bit awkward at first, but it makes it easier to tell who did what in the session.

2. I will try to keep dialogue unchanged, but I may still make minor edits here and there just to ensure that it makes sense and keeps the flow.

3. I will give a brief description of the characters involved in each session just so those not as familiar with us can know who the heck we're dealing with. Compare those descriptions to the cover image above if you want the visual.

And that's about it! I hope you guys have as much fun seeing us make fools of ourselves as we did. :)


Session 1: A Bump in the Night, or, Horrible Things Happen to Tom's Face

Starring:

Berserker88 as Steven J. Stinkman: A striped skunk with a penchant for bad jokes and sarcasm. A bit on the dorky side and generally good-natured, but you would be wise not to push him too far. There are two things he always carries around: one is a notepad for documenting anything even remotely newsworthy, the other is a can of his own spray "just in case". He has a habit of throwing scent-related puns into his reporting.

Tomlocke as Thomas L. Anderson: A timber wolf with a knack for music, puns, and being team counselor somedays. Likes to fall into the Jerkass with a Heart of Silver trope. Why silver you ask? Because being a dick to people is just too much fun. Never seen without his necklace, glasses, or multi-layered look.

Quirky-Middle-Child as Mason-Dixon Smith: An adopted prairie dog in a family of bobcats. However, he hasn't come to terms with the fact that he is adopted and believes he is a bobcat. He also has a crush on a coffee shop bartender bunny named "Holly". He's a well-mannered, witty dork who works as an artist for ZNN.

Megatred as Jake Meulton: A black and white tuxedo cat, he prefers being alone and in a calm, ambient environment. He suffers from a small degree of social anxiety, making it harder for him to be with others, and when he is, he prefers to "stay in the back of the room". He tries to avoid conflicts, but if he has to really intervene he will.

Shadow9692 as Dominic Faux: A silver fox who found his way to Zootopia. He's usually pretty laid back, but emotions can get the best of him. He currently leads a double life working for both the ZPD and ZNN. Whether he's wearing his black suit or a police uniform, he always carries a tranq gun and is ready to do his job, whatever that may be.


"Guys? Uh, guys? I don't want to alarm you, but I think there might be someone breaking into the office."

The skunk's voice rang out through the second floor of the ZNN building. Various employee desks of all sizes were stationed here, with only dim lights and the glow of computer monitors to illuminate the cluttered messes that covered them. Steven was one of four employees still working this late, joined only by Tom, Mason, and Jake. Up until now, it had been a relatively boring night.

The first to react was Tom, who technically didn't even work on this floor. "What?"

"What?" Mason repeated, looking away from his screen.

Steven pointed downward, tilting his head towards the floor below. "Just listen. Don't you hear anything funny? Like, more than the usual night shift ruckus?"

Tom listened closer, and soon picked up a distinct scritch-scratching noise. He quickly jumped from his chair and put an ear to the ground. "It sounds like someone's scratching something."

Steven smiled in spite of himself, pleased that he at least wasn't losing it.

"Yeah, but what do we do?" the timber wolf asked. "What if they take off before the cops get here?"

"Figures that Dom is busy too," Steven added, gulping. "Guess we're just gonna have to deal with it ourselves. Can't just let someone steal our stuff."

Jake looked up from his desk. "Wait, what? Somebody trying to break into the office?" he asked, clearly too absorbed in his work.

Tom looked around at the small group. "Anyone got any ideas? Or like a baseball bat?"

"Should we try and scare them off?" Mason suggested.

"Like I said, baseball bat?" Tom made a swinging motion right over the prairie dog's head.

"Guess we should make sure we're prepared." Steven nodded in agreement. "Everyone, find some kind of weapon."

"But are you sure it's somebody trying to break in?" Jake pressed.

"Well...maybe not..." The skunk laughed sheepishly, as if no other possibility had occurred to him. "Still, we should be ready for the worst."

On cue, Mason dove under his desk and emerged with a fully-loaded squirt gun.

"And if it's just the fax machine on the fritz or something, we can have a good laugh about it later," Steven added.

Tom grabbed the nearest stick-like object, which happened to be the leg from an office chair, and hoisted it over his shoulder menacingly.

Steven just reached into his pocket, paw gripped around a small canister. "I've only ever needed this."

"Alright, who wants to go down first?" asked Mason, brandishing his watery weaponry.

It seemed about time to form a plan of attack. However, fate had other plans.

"Fate" meaning "Tom".

"ME!" The timber wolf suddenly charged out of the room and down the stairs to the first floor, raising his weapon over his head. "LEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY!"

Steven put a paw to his face. "Oh dear."

"There goes a brave wolf," Mason said solemnly.

"Really hoping it's just the fax now."

"JEEEEEEEEEEENKINS!" The cry rose up from below them.

Mason snapped back to attention. "We can't let Tom take this on by himself, he'll get clobbered! He needs backup, c'mon!" The prairie dog scurried after him.

"Right!" Keeping one paw in his pocket, Steven followed.

''Well, this is how we die.'' Jake was the last to go, still empty-pawed.

Together, they headed down the stairwell.

"FOR ZOOTOPIA!" Mason shouted fiercely.

"THIS! IS! ZNN!" Steven joined in.

"REDWAAAAALL!"

A sharp yip came from below, the distinct cry of a wolf in pain.

"Did you hear that? He needs our help!" Mason ran even faster.

"LOGALOGALOGALO-wha, oh musk! Hang on, Tom!"

Mason finally reached the bottom of the stairs and gasped when he saw Tom.

His sudden stop made Steven bump into the back of him, and the skunk looked over his head. "Oh no!"

Tom was lying on the ground in front of a metal door, a door that they couldn't recall ever having a dent in it, especially not a dent shaped suspiciously like Tom's face.

"Guess he forgot that you pull the door..." Mason sighed.

"Ooooooowww," Tom groaned, slowly getting back up.

Mason crawled up Tom's back, standing on his forehead as he looked him in the eyes. "You okay?"

Tom plucked Mason off of him. "Yeah, just not on my head. I think it's bleeding." He looked around him, dazed. "Since when did we add stars to the office?"

"Uhh, are you sure you're okay?" Jake reiterated.

"Dang it Tom, if you can't beat a door, how are you gonna beat whatever's in there?" asked Steven, shaking his head.

Tom continued staring vacantly. "There are four lights..."

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Mason asked him, concerned.

The wolf titled his head. "Mason, you're holding up your toes..."

"He's fine." Mason put his foot back down, then pulled open the door via the rodent handle.

Undeterred, Tom picked up the chair leg again and proceeded to use the bardic knock spell on the door.

Steven shrugged. "Good enough for me."

As they headed inside, Mason peered into the room. The first floor was built much like the one above, with the exception that there were fewer desks, it was completely dark, and seemingly devoid of life. "Hello...?"

"If there really are dangerous criminals down here, I'm not sure they're gonna answer," the skunk pointed out, looking around nervously.

"Well I was hoping for a polite criminal."

"We gotta be careful," said Jake.

"Sup everyone? I've got a lump on my head and a blunt object so come on out!" Tom challenged.

"Yeah! We may speak softly, but he carries a big stick!" Steven yelled confidently, whilst hiding behind Tom.

A loud, booming voice suddenly emerged...from Mason. "WE GOT THE WHOLE PLACE SURROUNDED, COME OUT NOW!"

Steven flinched. "Yeah, that should do it..."

There was a sudden flash of movement from the corner of the room.

Ears twitching, Tom instantly leapt into action, swinging his chair leg wildly.

"This could be dangerous...Steven, you go first," Mason whispered.

Steven watched as Tom bashed something behind a desk. "Yeah...that might be good."

"Nevermind. Tom, what do you see?"

Tom stopped, suddenly realizing he had been beating nothing but an innocent swivel chair. "I heard something coming from over here, but it might be the ringing in my ears."

"No...I definitely saw something," Steven insisted. "It must have moved."

Mason cautiously walked towards them.

Tom went into whack-a-mole-mode.

Steven tiptoed after them, as much good as that did at this point.

And Jake...did something too probably.

There was a sudden loud crash as a desk tipped over and something ran out from underneath. A few somethings actually. Steven blinked in surprise. "Are those...ferrets?"

Dressed in ratty clothes and scurrying quickly along the floor were roughly a half-dozen thieving ferrets, most of them already hauling off valuable office equipment.

Tom narrowed his eyes. "No...my mortal enemies." With a loud battle cry, he charged after them and started swinging.

Mason smiled. "I love ferrets."

"Ferrets killed my mother!" Tom yelled, going into a feral rage. "Not really, but they did take my lunch money!"

The prairie dog joined in on the epic battle, firing his squirt gun everywhere. "If I die, send my body to Candice as a Christmas gift!" Making a Matrix shot, Mason watched as one of his fleeing targets fell to the slow-mo water.

"Why not Holly?"

"Ferrets? How did they get in here?!" Jake said frantically, trying to keep track of them.

Notepad in paw, Steven put the tip of his air freshener necklace to it, which also happened to be a hidden pen. He giggled excitedly to himself as he wrote. "Of course! Those wiry, flexible bodies! They make perfect burglars!"

"THE FIENDS!" Tom screamed, just barely missing another ferret.

Realizing he should get in on this, the skunk struggled to choose a target. "Uh...uh...I'll take that one!" He rushed towards a random ferret.

"We have to stop them before they steal or break something!" Jake joined in too.

"They're already stolen Tom's dignity," Steven muttered.

"I got one!" the timber wolf announced triumphantly, lifting up an unconscious ferret and stuffing him into his pocket. Then he immediately started swinging at another of the blighters.

Steven managed to corner a ferret, trying desperately to keep him there. "Just hold still buddy, don't make me hurt you."

Mason lunged, grabbing onto a ferret's tail and dragging him to the ground. "I'm holding him down, guys! I got him!"

Lost in the moment, Tom kept whacking vigorously at his prey.

Steven kept his eyes on his own prize.

And Jake...did something too probably.

Annoyed, Mason ran up to the ferret's head and slammed it into the ground, knocking him out.

The ferret Steven had cornered abruptly charged forward, slipping right through the skunk's legs as he tried to grab him. "H-Hey! That's not fair! No mammal should be able to move like that!"

Mason decided it was time for the nuclear option. "STEVEN, USE YOUR SECRET WEAPON!"

Tom cackled and backed away, covering his nose.

Not wasting any time, Mason dove into an air vent and closed it behind him.

Jake looked around uneasily. "Secret weapon? What secret weapon?"

Steven sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small, but dangerous canister. "I tried to warn him." Shaking the can once, he pointed it towards the fleeing ferrets and unleashed skunky hell on them, seeing too late that the tuxedo cat was still in the line of fire. "J-Jake, watch out!"

Tom rushed over and tackled Jake out of the way, covering the cat's face. "Hold your breath," he advised, just before the wave of stink passed over them.

From the safety of the vent, Mason hurriedly dialed 911.

"Sorry, should've warned you sooner," Steven said bashfully. The spray had done its job though, as he watched the four remaining ferrets cough violently and pass out, one dropping unceremoniously off of a light fixture. "But at least that's settled."

"IT'S IN MY EYES! AHHHHHHH!" Tom screamed, rolling off of Jake as he clutched at his tear-soaked eyes. Which also gave the lingering scent full access to his nose. Tom was not having a good night.

The skunk chuckled nervously. "So...who wants a tomato juice bath?"

Tom continued to roll on the ground in anguish.

"I called the cops, they're on their way!" Mason shouted, muffled by the vent. He couldn't help but chuckle at Tom's misery.

Steven put the canister back into his pocket and looked down at his feet. "With great power, comes great responsibility..."

"Alright, who wants to carry out the bodies?" Mason asked. "I'll follow the vents and meet you guys outside."

Tom rushed for the front, resulting in more slapstick as his half-blinded state ended up running right into a wall instead. "IT BURNS US, MASTER!"

"This place sure is a mess now," said Jake, holding his nose as he looked around at the trashed office.

"Try your best, I think I hear the sirens." Mason slid down the vent tunnels.

Steven grabbed two ferrets by the tails and dragged them out while Jake probably took the others. "Brought this on yourselves, guys. Just saying."

By the time they reached the front doors, Mason had emerged from the outside vent cover and pulled open the doors for them. They emerged onto the sidewalk, still in the dead of night.

Somehow, Tom had made it out as well. "I can see my eyes behind my eyes..."

He kept whimpering in pain as Steven patted his back in comfort. "At least you protected Jake. You can feel better about that."

Jake smiled up at him. "Yeah, thanks for that. I owe you one."

"Everything is red..."

"Miiiiiight wanna call an ambulance for Tom," Mason suggested, dialing up 911 again.

No sooner did he finish that second call then the result of the first showed up. A large police cruiser pulled up in front of the building and out stepped Officer/Inside Agent Dominic Faux. "So, you guys got in trouble while I'm out of the office, huh?"

Mason shook his head. "You always miss the fun, Dom."

"Seems like it. If I were here, I could've tranq'd them all. That wouldn't have been very fun though."

Steven shrugged. "I basically tranq'd them anyway."

"You've gotta help me copper, I'm going blind," Tom pleaded, pawing at Dominic's face.

The fox's expression did not change. "Ambulance is on its way, Tom. I just showed up first is all." He looked to the others. "None of 'em got away into the vents or anything, right?"

"Mason was in there. He would know," said Steven.

"No one escaped, I closed them all." The prairie dog nodded in satisfaction.

"Did anyone count how many there were exactly?" Dominic asked. "That could tell us just in case."

"I counted a half-dozen, though I'm not entirely sure," Steven admitted, checking his notes. "They were really quick."

"Don't forget Stu. He's the one in my pocket." Tom grinned, patting the unconscious lump in his pants.

Steven raised an eyebrow. "...How do you know his name?"

"I don't. I gave him that name."

"I'll still have my squad close off the scene and search the building either way, procedure and all." He gestured at the arriving squad cars.

Tom still hadn't gotten much better, now curled up into a ball and murmuring, "It burns, it burns, it burns, burn with me..."

"Might want to warn them about the fumes." Steven looked away uncomfortably.

"Alright, then their sweep should be fast." Dominic sniffed at the air and winced. "But judging from the smell, and Tom's state, you'll probably have to be out here for a while."

"Yeah, you all stink," Mason said bluntly.

They watched the arriving officers don gas masks before entering the building.

"Sounds good," said Steven, shaking his head. "After tonight, I don't think I'm crazy about taking night shift again any time soon."

Sirens grew louder again as an ambulance arrived on the scene and paramedics rushed out to help Tom. "OH GOD, WHY STEVEN?!"

"...Let's just get Tom in the ambulance for now," Dominic said, helping with the hysterical wolf.

"Well I'm just glad everything turned out alright." Mason smiled widely.

"I'll never get to see her face again..." Tom groaned from inside the ambulance.

"Except Tom."

End Session


In this session alone, you can see that we fell into various roleplayer stereotypes. I was the new GM on the block trying to make it work, Quirky helped keep things going, Tom just did the craziest shit possible and probably had the most fun, MegaTred came in so sporadically that I made him into a sort of running gag, and Shadow was that guy who shows up at the last second when the session is pretty much done already.

All in all, I'm surprised by how well we even managed to stay on track. Get used to the chaos of our antics yet? I sure hope not, because I'm sure there will be much worse to come.