Star Wars: No More Hope

By Bong & Schoolgirl Studly

Sponsored by The Logic Stream Network

Luke Skywalker could do nearly anything, but he couldn't masturbate with his left hand. It just felt wrong, even with a lot of lube, and even those Han Solo joked it was like getting a handjob doing it with the hand you don't normally do it with, it just wasn't the same for Luke. Because he almost banged his sister kinda, or at least thought about it a lot, Luke had problems being with a woman, man, or weird alien that just had fun holes to stick it in. So, he was left without a release.

It was one of those long, sleepless nights, and Luke's erection would not subside, regardless of the obscene thoughts that he purposefully thought about. Stuff like poop and boogers and McDonald's cheeseburgers and vomit and guts and blood and horse poop and Italian people and diarrhea and brain matter crusted onto a window and big nasty bugs and other stuff like that like not well shaken protein shakes with those gross clumps of protein shake that get caught in your throat when you try to swallow the whole thing as quickly as humanly possible because the protein shake with the balls of undissolved, not mixed in protein powder is not very tasty so you will want to drink it as fast as humanly possible despite the little chunks of protein powder that didn't break up into the water because it was poorly shaken for a reason we have yet to discover, and perhaps never will but I suspect has something to do with laziness. He stared at the walls, wishing he could sleep, shutting his eyes as tight as he could until boredom and frustration forced them open.

In another part of him mind, Luke Skywalker, Jedi and all that jazz, couldn't help but think about how he should have played the fight against Darth Vader differently. There were so many mistakes made, and those mistakes cost him dearly. So dearly he could never jack off again, until he got some sort of mechanical hand. But even then, it was an unknown whether or not this would supply him with the same sensation that he was used to. Luke loved to jerk off, and thought it was one of the reasons he was so strong with the force.

But now, with no release, he was losing hope. As the sleepless nights began to pile up, so did his angst and depression. With nowhere to turn, Luke eventually started doing heroin. That's why he looks so old in the new ones.

THE END