Kate Baudains
Why bother including me?
Neither of you care about me. You don't care if I'm not there. You don't even realize that I'm not with you. You're both oblivious to the fact that I've gone on to a different place. A better place awaits me. I don't want to be here anymore. To be ignored by two of the people that I hold so dear. 'He' doesn't see what he's doing to me. 'He' doesn't see that he's tearing me apart at the seams, and I'm struggling to hold myself together. 'She' isn't helping either. 'She' took 'Him' away from me. We were happy together… well I thought we were. I doubt we really were. I know I was, but was 'He'? Can I truly say I was happy? Or was that just a front that I put up for myself to fool myself into thinking that I was happy. Yes, that seems a more likely reason. So I'll go with that fact that my whole life, I've just put up a face just to please people, so that they're happy. Regardless of my well being. Putting up a mask every morning and showing the world that it doesn't bother me when underneath it, I'm getting torn apart by seeing the two people that I hold dear to me, be with each other. I shouldn't feel like this. We've been over for ages. But he's mine. I didn't want to give him up. Not ever.
Standing in a room, surrounded by people of different ages. Not knowing where to turn. Not knowing where to run. Not knowing where to hide. I've got to find someone I know, but it's near enough imposable. Thin people, tall people. Fat people, short people. Different colours and genders. I'm lost in a world of lies and deceit, and I don't want to be here. I want to be safe. I want to get away from here. I want to be in his arms, they always protect me from everything. My angel wouldn't let me get hurt… right? Skirting the room trying to find them, I know they're here, I came here with them. They couldn't have just disappeared. I hope they haven't disappeared. I've got no-one else here that I know. But as soon as we got here, they were whisked off and I've not seen them since. Were they whisked off of did they just leave me? Did they just want to get rid of me? No they invited me here. Why would they want to get rid of me when they asked me to come? Looking around feeling the walls close in on me, feeling people getting closer to me, invading my personal space. I can't take it anymore. Turning left from where I am, I see the two people I've been looking for, but I really wish I didn't. It was difficult to decipher where one started and the other one finished. The two people closest to me didn't even know that I was there. They didn't even acknowledge my presence. Do they remember that I came with them? I guess that even angels will hurt you. I don't stop long, my legs acting on their own and taking me away from them, away from the heart ache and the pain. Pushing through people. Hearing whispers following me. Hurtful sneers. Painful words. Eyes following me as I barge through people. Moving my way around people's bodies. The music flowing through my head making me dizzy. Not looking back I just run towards the door. Pushing people out the way. I don't care anymore; I just want to get out of here.
The garden's bigger than the room I was last in, and even though there aren't any people here, I feel more suffocated than I was inside the room. My brain showing me the image that I tried to forget. Why did they invite me there if all they were going to do was get together as a couple? Why did I need to be there? Did they want me to be there so that I can see them together and for that to break me? Well I guess that if that was their intention then they've fulfilled it ten-fold. Walking aimlessly through the garden. The rose bushes placed everywhere around this lavish garden. Tall walls surrounding the garden, ivy covering the grey stones. There was a gap in the stone. A gate. Metal, it had a twisting barbed wire effect. It looked like it was meant to be avoided. But I found that this gate was one thing that comforted me. I walked out of it to come face to face with the cliff that the house is near. Walking towards it, something pulls me towards the edge of solid ground. Standing on the edge, letting the wind blow my body softly. Would they care if I did fall from here? No. They'd be too busy with each other to give a second glance to me. I'm tired of pretending like nothing bothers me. I'm tired of hiding behind the mask that I've had on my whole life. I'm tired of putting up my mask every day just to be broken underneath. What's the point of it? Why not just show people what you're thinking.
Hearing foot-falls behind me I don't' bother turning around, what's the point of that. Letting a strong gust carry me over the edge towards my death. Falling towards jagged rocks, a roaring ocean lapping up towards me, giving me the only comfort I've felt in years. It's all over before I know it. I'm glad I did what I did. I have no regrets. Not a one. I'm happy now. As I sit here on the cliff where I fell I see you two. You're sitting on a bench right in front of where I fell. Holding each other and crying into each others arms. You're both upset because of what I did to myself. I stand behind 'Him' and 'Her', whispering in their ears.
'Why bother including me?'
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