Kids talk and move around on the bleachers in the South Park Elementary gym.

"So, what do you think they called us all to the gum for?" asks Kyle.

Stan replies, "I don't know, but I do know nothing good ever happens in the gym."

"Still better than math. Shut up, Butters," says Eric.

"Why, ah, I didn't even say anything," Butters responds.

"Pre-emptive strike," says Eric.

"Even a scrapped knee is better than math class; it takes you out of gym, keeps you out for maybe a day or two, and you get a lollipop from the nurse," says Kyle.

"It would be better if it was Cheesy Puffs," says Eric.

Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria walk up to the microphone on a stand on the gym floor.

Victoria taps the microphone head a few times and then speaks, it whines briefly, "Okay, students, settle down," the kids quiet down, "Thank you. As you are no doubt all aware, I'm up for re-election as school Principal."

There's dead silence and vacant stares except from some nerds and some girls.

"Now, normally my job security would be a delightful formality, but this year the school board and PTA decided all you bas … delightful bundles of joy should have a say, so now the position is up for a vote. Which would normally be fine, but … oh, go head," Victoria steps away from the microphone.

Mr. Mackey steps up to the microphone, "Good morning, students, I'm Mr. Mackey, your faithful long-time school counselor. M'kay. Ah, this morning – in the interest of democracy and the voting process – I'm officially tossing my hat into the ring for the school Principal position, m'kay?!" he then takes off the small American-flag decorated hat he just put on, and throws it out onto the gym floor. Kids just look at him, "M'kay, maybe that would have been more impressive with some music and cheering."

"Not really," Eric mutters in a low voice.

"Peace, love, and all that good stuff. Thank you," he walks over to his hat and picks it up.

"Okay," Victoria says once she's back at the microphone, "Just remember to vote for me next week. I know how to manage the steady decline in scholastic standards and under my continued watch there have been fewer violent and sudden student deaths, so always a plus. Dismissed."

Kids get up and start filling out the gym.

Butters speaks, "Gosh, you guys, I don't know who to vote for. I certainly don't want more of the same but I also don't want somebody who doesn't appear to have the gosh golly compunction to shake things up."

"It's one or the other, Butters," says Stan.

"Your vote won't count anyway, Butters," says Eric.

"It won't?"

Eric replies, "Between miscounts, magic boxes of ballots found in car trunks, dead people voting, and self-anointed important people who just sue to re-count and re-count votes until they hopefully squeak by with a win, you might as well not bother."

"Oh. Well, that's depressing," says Butters.

Kyle turns to Eric and asks, "So, you're not going to vote?"

"Of course I'm going to vote. I said Butters' vote doesn't count."

"Don't listen to Boss Hog over there, Butters – you vote. Don't forget that important quote – 'One man can make a difference.'. Make a difference Butters!" Kyle encourages him.

"Well, gosh – I think I will! Thanks, Kyle."

They reach the exit doors and finds Victoria there.

"Candy?" she asks the, holding out a bowl of various pieces of candy.

Eric's eyes grow big, "Oh, sweeeet! You have my vote, misses Victoria!" Eric says as he takes and un-wraps a piece of candy.

"So, somebody seeking your vote gives you free stuff and you'd vote for them because of that?" Kyle asks Eric.

Eric retorts, "I'm shallow and self-involved like that."

"But what about the issues? Of which you know nothing," says Kyle.

"Kyle, the only issue is you haven't stopped talking yet."

Victoria speaks to them, "Remember kids, normally you're not allowed to eat candy in class, but as lame-duck Principal, every day could be candy day us the initial ballots in a few days shows I'm winning. Bye now!"

"Argh!" Kyle exclaims in frustration.

"Well, that's no good…" Butters says, thinking aloud.

.

CUT TO: The school bell ringing and kids getting into classes. The boys sit patiently in Mr. Garrison's classroom, waiting for him to arrive.

Kyle speaks, "You see, Butters, people have local representatives who are elected by them because locals know what locals need, instead of an appointed government bureaucrat hundreds or thousands of miles away who knows nothing about us and makes assumptions much to our detriment. And these things are called issues. They can be simple and they can be complex. One of our school teachers hates Jews and is probably a National Socialist, AKA: A Nazi, that's an issue."

"Oh, I see," says Butters.

Mr. Garrison comes in, "Okay, class, settle down and don't chew too loudly if you still have candy. Today we're actually going to learn something in case the election draws the attention of your parents," he picks up the chalk and writes, "Today we'll begin learning about the Wig party. Does anybody know what that is?"

Eric raises a hand.

"Eric?"

"A party where people wear wigs?"

"No. That was incredibly stupid. You see, back in the 1800's there used to be only two main parties: the Democrat party and the Wig party."

Kyle's right hand goes up.

"Kyle?"

"Obviously the party doesn't exist anymore, so there must have been issues that voters cared about that the Wigs didn't or just ignored, right?"

"Yes, Kyle, and I'm trying to teach that. Kyle?" Mr. Garrison asks again when Kyle raises the hand again.

"Mr. Garrison, I was wondering what issues are going to affect your vote."

"Interesting question, Kyle. I'd say my job security and my pension are the key issues."

"Wait, what about the real issues such as our funding, our national average, graduation rates, quality teachers, and general school health and safety?"

"Kyle, the school was broke when I joined and it'll be broke when I'm gone, our national average doesn't matter because nobody important has ever come out of South Park, kids who fail a grade is job security, and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. All I know is Principal Victoria has put up with me for many years, while I don't think Mr. Mackey will be inclined to continue my employment."

"Then how do we ever change anything?" asks Kyle.

"Don't worry, children, when you get older and jaded, your hope of making a difference will fade. Instead you'll focus on trying to get by the mess it's all created."

Kyle continues, "How does that make us any better than the people who kept re-electing the feckless Wigs?"

"When I asked for questions, Kyle, I didn't mean that many. Anyway, the Wig party was…"

.

Students stand in line in the cafeteria, waiting to get served.

"So, say I picked the gosh darn bestus candidate I could based upon their responses and ideas in regards to the issues. What if he or she ignores their campaign promises once elected?" Butters asks Kyle.

"Well, that can happen. They're called fucking hypocritical assholes. In that case you have to try and hold their feet to the fire and not re-elect them next time."

"Gee willikers – that sounds awful involving."

"Lying shitbags makes everybody's life more difficult," says Kyle.

Butters inquires, "Then how does John MacCain keep getting re-elected?"

Stand responds, "Nobody knows, Butters, nobody knows."

"It's simple, Butters – vote for the one giving us candy," says Eric.

"But that doesn't fix anything," Butters comments.

Kyle adds, "And she gets the candy money from the general fund, which town tax payers foot, so it's not free."

The kids reach the lunch lady and start getting served.

"Sometimes, Butters, people don't care; they'd rather have free phones, free internet services, and Cash for Clunkers. When it comes to liberty or a condom, some people choose condoms. They're stupid like that," says Kyle.

At the end of the line they find Mr. Mackey handing out pieces of paper.

"Whut's twis?" Kenny asks in a muffled voice.

"Mock ballots. We just want to see who's being favored right now so we can adjust our campaigns accordingly," Mr. Mackey replies.

Butters asks him, "But Mr. Mackey, why would either if you need to re-adjust your campaigns? Wouldn't that be an admission that neither of you were running on what we really want and want to re-work it so it's in line with the majority?"

"Giving voters what they want isn't always a bad thing, Butters," Mr. Mackey replies back.

"But we're kids and often we don't know what we want and blow wildly in the wind like a leak. Why, ah, just the other day Jeremy in my third class thought it would be a good idea to eat paste and pee in the potted plant. If only he had cleaned that paste off his hands before he touched his wiener…"

"And as school Principal I promise less paste eating and no more peeing in plants," says Mr. Mackey.

"I smell a rat…" Butters comments aloud.

"That's just Kenny, Butters – they follow him around," says Eric.

They go and sit down at their usual table.

"Don't get disillusioned, Butters. Remember: if you do that, they win," says Kyle.

Eric leans over toward Butters, who is sitting on the bench close to him, "Remember: if you do that, we get free candy. Free. And not even just on Halloween."

"Don't go to the dark side, Butters," says Kyle.

"The dark side has cookies, Butters," says Eric.

"Well, I do like cookies…" Butters ponders aloud.

"Free cookies," Eric adds.

"Kylo Ren is on the dark side. You don't want to be anything like him, do you?" Kyle asks Butters.

"No, that would be awful; all faux dark and emo. Thanks, Eric, but, ah, I'm gonna stick to the issues."

"Yes!" Kyle exclaims.

"Pft – fine. But don't ask for any of my free candy then," says Eric.

"Yeah, right – like there'd be any candy left after you got a hold of it. And you can't even spell sharing," says Kyle to Eric.

"Ay! I can too!"

"Prove it."

"C, h, e, e, r, i, n, g. Sharing."

"It's depressing your vote is equivalent to mine," says Kyle.

"Yesss … your depression only makes me stronger!" says Eric.

"Hey, you know what I just noticed? Issues and tissues rhyme!" says Butters.

.

Later that school day. The boys sit in the final class of the day – Mr. Krautklinger's.

"Nine! Nine! In das Nazi Germany, all citizens voted for mein fuhrer! And eef you did not, you vere deesappeared. Elections. Zhe people are stooopid! Zhey must be forced to know vhat zhey like! Vote main fuhrer! Stand," he points.

"Ah, you do know he's dead, right? Shot himself in a bunker."

"Nine! Nine! Mein fuhrer escaped to Columbia vhere he lived until he vas cloned. Eet iz only ay matter of time…"

"Yeah, maybe you should avoid late-night radio programs where the hosts names end in 'Bell' and 'Jones'…" says Stan.

The school intercom whines on and Mr. Mackey speaks.

"Attention, students, attention. The results of the mock ballots have been tabulated. With 49% of the vote, Principal Victoria leads. With a respectful 43% of the vote, I trail second. The remainder was write-in's: Keyser Soze, Batman, Jedi, Mitch Conners, Batman again, Nathan Fillion, Adolf Hitler, … John MacCain and Mit Romnie? Honest to God, what is wrong with peo … anyway, for taking the time to let your voice be heard, Principal Victoria is allowing the school to be dismissed a little early today. That is all.

The intercom shuts off.

"Yay!" all the students cheer loudly.

The kids get up and leave for the lockers. The boys head for theirs.

"The votes are so close. And why would so many people throw their vote away on fictional characters and people not even running? Gosh, it doesn't seem like they're happy with their choices," says Butters.

Don't be dispirited, Butters; sometimes people need to make mistakes in order to learn. Eight years, for example," says Kyle.

"If only there was an answer…" Butters says, pondering out loud.

Victoria stops by the boys, "Eric Cartman, come to my office."

"Goddamnit, how'd you find out?" Eric blurts out angrily.

"Never mind, come on."

"All right, all right…" Eric grumbles.

.

Victoria shuts the door to her office. She walks around and sits at her desk.

"Eric, this isn't about whatever it is you did."

"It's not? Whew."

"By the way, what did you do?"

"Oh, nothing. What is this about?"

"Eric, I don't know how to put this ... the mock ballots today startled me. I respect Mr. Mackey's decision to run against me, but I really expected he'd get more like 13% of the vote. All he needs to do is persuade a dozen or more students and he'll win. I have a pension to worry about and I'm too old to go job hunting. This is a bit of a pickled."

"Principal Victoria, don't beat around the bush."

"Well, Eric, over time I've noticed you have a propensity to get what you want, even by shady and questionable means. You got all the boys to measure their penises and post the sizes by names. You got a Shakey's Pizza by getting a woman to have an abortion…"

"Allegedly."

"You sued Kyle and took half his stuff, cooked a kid's parents and fed them to him."

"Allegedly."

"And relentlessly harassed a girl until she jumped off the school top in an attempted suicide. And more."

"All allegedly."

"So, I guess I'm asking … what would it take to get you to do whatever it is you're gonna do, to get Mr. Mackey's reputation so destroyed he'll drop out?"

"Three things."

"Name them."

"Free candy for me year round. None for Kyle or Butters."

"Deal."

"My own private bathroom. Which Kyle can use and only use right after I've taken a massive shit in it."

"Deal."

"And each year book must have Kyle Broflovski voted Most Likely to Suck Eric Cartman's Balls."

"Hum, well, I could probably swing that one year but parents complaining would likely stop more years."

"I'll chose a new slogan each year."

"Then it's a deal," Victoria says, then breaths in and out, "Destroy him."

"Principal Victoria … welcome to the dark side."