Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. Therefore no one can sue me. Also you should realize that I didn't create Artemis, so I can't keep him perfectly in character. Get it?
"Arty! Arty!" Beckett yelled, striding into Artemis's room. Artemis turned away from his laptop to look at his two brothers. If he was surprised to see what Beckett was carrying it didn't show. However, when Beckett dumped it in his lap, Artemis became a bit uncomfortable.
"Why is there a chicken in my lap?"
The chicken in question, a young red hen, ruffled her feathers then settled down on Artemis's lap, completely at ease.
"This is Ella!" Beckett exclaimed proudly.
"Why is Ella in my lap?"
"She wants to show you something."
"Say hello Artemis," Myles piped up.
This threw Artemis. Usually Myles was the one who would call Beckett a simpleton for talking to chickens. Beckett would retort back with they were his pets and it made them happy.
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Go on," Myles urged.
Tentatively, unsure if this was a trap, Artemis said, "Hello Ella."
"Hello." The bird squawked. It sounded a bit like a talking parrot, if the parrot had been a chain smoker.
Artemis glanced at his brothers' smiling faces. "I was not aware that chickens were anatomically capable of speaking human languages."
Of course, Artemis knew people who talked to animals, mostly Holly, but they never answered in English.
"I umm… modified her." Myles blurted quickly, hoping his older brother wouldn't be mad.
"How?"
Myles was about to explain, when Ella decided to help. Apparently, 'hello' wasn't the only word in her vocabulary. Also apparent was that she had no clue what she was saying.
"Myles. Egg. Pooooop. Corn. No! Up. Purple. Carrot. PANTS! Oops. Cluck. Cluck. Cluck. Ella. Red. No. No no no. Ella. Mine! Carrot. Acorn. Frisbee. NOODLES!" at this point a very excited Ella jumped out of Artemis's lap and started trying to eat some of the cables snaking around his laptop. She must have actually known what noodles meant. Or maybe it was a coincidence.
Artemis picked up the chicken, sighing. He handed it to his brothers and pushed them out of the room. Then he said, "Alright Holly, come on out."
Holly appeared, laughing her head off. Artemis sighed.
Several weeks later Myles was back. The newest chicken clucked at Artemis for several minutes before launching into a tirade of words.
"Mumble giggle giggle snort ball wreath I shall not use chemistry to explode myself chunk pillow looser birdie four letter word dragon tiger plunger thumb box skull box again stop recording everything I say calendar oh gross hiccup I shall wake up ok one more hmmm noo that was a hiccup cookie Frisbee."
At this point she started cackling then laid an egg. Artemis inspected it gingerly. To Myles he said, "If this thing starts talking I'm going to lose my mind."
End
Author note: the second chicken's speech was inspired by my sister, who texted that exact thing to my cousin. I love chickens.
