Amanda found herself standing petrified in a storm of ambivalence as she relived that first night, four months ago, that Carisi ate dinner at her apartment. She had asked him to come over while they were at the courthouse for Caskey's lawyers' arraignment. Carisi had just looked so deflated; his usual gangly, over-energized way of moving his body replaced by slumped shoulders and a directionless frustration. Her motives were, of course, strictly friendly. She was simply trying to help her colleague work through the swamp of emotional ups and downs — mostly downs—that is working in the SVU. In the intervening months however, she found it harder and harder to believe the 'strictly friendly' story was completely accurate.

Now here she was looking at the same picture that had occurred that first night: a well-fed Jesse and Carisi asleep on her couch. Carisi was slouching with one arm across the back of the couch and the other arm cradling Amanda's six-month-old daughter to his chest. His head was flung back, his mouth open. Both he and the baby were drooling in their sleep. Amanda smirked at Carisi's ability to bring a bit of uncouthness to every moment. Other than that, she stood perfectly still, her phone in her hand, waging an internal battle.

Four months ago she had walked out of her little kitchen, a dishtowel in hand, to find the same scene. She had wished ever since that she had taken a picture of that moment. It would have been an innocuous enough thing. Every family has a picture of someone asleep holding a slumbering baby. It seemed like a staple of a hallmark childhood. But Amanda had not had anything like a picture perfect childhood and a large part of her knew that her daughter would not have that kind of childhood either, raised by a single mother who battled monsters during the day and her own demons at night. And the man holding Jesse now was not family, not in the traditional sense. The normal sense, Amanda thought. He was her work colleague. A work colleague, Amanda. The rational part of her mind was stomping its foot – Stop. This. Nonsense! But Amanda's mind wasn't really in charge right now.

She snapped the picture.

"Carisi." Nothing. "Cariiisssiii," Amanda whispered a little more violently. She had to get this man off her couch before she lost her resolve. She had taken a picture of a sleeping detective with her baby and it made her feel like she was trying to play some demented game of house. It was just a moment of fantasy but it made her feel slightly unhinged.

She shook his shoulder a little bit, but it hardly moved his big frame He sleeps like the fucking dead, she thought. She really didn't want to have to get Jesse back to sleep if she woke both of them. She tried to maneuver her hands to pick up Jesse but he instinctively tightened his hold. "Dominick." He replied with a short snore. Are you for fucking real? Amanda rolled her eyes and made the concession: "Sonny," she hissed. He stirred a little bit. Geez. "Son-ny," she hammered each syllable with whispered impatience. His eyelids fluttered, once, twice, and opened lazily. He sat up a bit.

"Shh shh, don't wake Jessie."

Sonny Carisi sat up looking a little confused and relinquished Jessie to her mother. He clumsily rubbed his face with his hands. His contacts felt glued to his eyeballs. He sat on the edge of the couch for a moment, before sighing and standing up. Even in his sleepiness he moved a bit like a puppy, like he still wasn't used to how big his body was.

"Okay, I'll see ya in the mornin'."

Amanda had stopped packing up leftovers from the food he cooked for him to take home. He never took it – just made some crack about her being the one who couldn't feed herself. So tonight she had just packed the meatballs and white wine sauce up and was looking forward to eating leftovers tomorrow.

He picked up his coat from the chair he'd dropped it in hours ago, and bent over to kiss the still slumbering Jessie on top of her peach-fuzzed head. He stayed stooped to peck Amanda chastely on the cheek, then let himself out of the apartment.

Amanda found herself stuck to the floor yet again, just as she had been that first night. What just happened? What is this thing that keeps happening?

"What are we doing, Jesse?" Amanda sighed.