Lerik was reading a book

Lerik was reading a book. To look at you would not think he could manage such a taxing activity on his brain. To look at you would think that he should at least need his index finger for the job. Around him Re-education was happening. It fully deserved the capital R not for its educational benefit (that it had in negative quantities), not for its enjoyability (which was non-existent) and sure as hell not for being effective (because it wasn't) but simply for its pointlessness, boringness and all over complete and utter uselessness. Dully he wondered if maybe, in his thirty year long career as a Guardsman, he should have spoke his mind slightly less. But then he would have snapped and have been forced to kill a number of officers and then they would have refused to pay him.

Currently he was reading 'A Visitors Guide To Catachan' By Juliana Greenleaf. It was a good book. Well written, informative and to the point with a very pleasing waffle/fact ratio. You always had to have some waffle in a book, of course, to make it readable and, in some indefinable way, human. A good ratio in Leriks opinion was about 1/10. He would very much have liked to meet Juliana were it not for the fact that she was a native of Catachan, other end of the galaxy, and probably about four hundred years dead if the publishing date was anything to go by. It was a survival guide that dealt with everything from long-term harsh environment survival, ambush setting and Greenskin avoidance to the medicinal properties of a great variety of plants.

'Mister Canoot are you paying attention!' it was not a question. It was obvious to everyone that he was not paying any attention at all and was not even trying to hide this fact. The withering voice of the lecturer, one of the high ranking ones from the Scolla Pragmaticum or whatever the bloody place that churned out, among other things, the Commissars was called. The click, click of her heavy boots as they strode across the polished wooden floor was the only sound as she stalked towards his desk. The eyes of the entire class were turned towards him, pitying him the scornful attention of this menacing figure in the severely black dress, but grateful that it was not them.

Her hand grasped the top of the old and slightly yellowing book and an attempt was made to forcefully tug it out of his hands.

The book stayed resolutely still. Lerik had a lot more strength in his fingers than their length and elegance would lead others to believe. He gave her not-really-a-question due consideration for a few moments and decided to answer truthfully. 'Slightly. About ten percent, it spiked at just over twelve about half an hour back but that was only because the word sex was mentioned.' He waited for a few shocked seconds that lasted an eternity as everyone in the teaching hall tried to comprehend what they had just heard. He was slightly curious about what her expression was but looking up would have meant taking his eyes off the book and he was too curious to learn more about the uses of Scabby Root as an antidote to the condition known as Gummy Eye. Besides, she was unarmed. He had checked that as he took an almost compulsory, and slightly admiringly, look at her physique. 'I would be grateful if you would let go of my book before I am honour bound to break your fingers.'

There was a shocked gasp. 'You would acutely strike a woman?' there was, surprisingly, a great deal of disbelief in that tone of voice.

He seemed to give this due consideration 'Probably not. Don't get me wrong; it's not out of respect. It's more to do with most women being frailer than most men.'

Yes, he was unquestionably in the Re-education programme for his general outlook on life, upsetting the wrong sort of people and speaking his mind. The last two were often synonymous. Perhaps it had been a mistake to sleep with the lieutenant, and then again maybe not. You only live once, and how many privates could say in all honesty that they have screwed a lieutenant. Probably not that many.

'Mister Canoot, do you know why you are here?' asked the Head of the Re-education Program looking over his glasses. He was a harsh looking man with a long nose, cold grey eyes and the sort of hairstyle that looks like it was designed to be aerodynamic.

'In this office or in the programme.' There was a brief but noticeable hesitation before the word 'sir.' Was added to the end of that sentence. Lerik was having problems again. It was the land. That was the problem. He was land sick. It was a problem that affected him about once every two or three years. He could feel its solidity and motionless rigidity creeping up through the soles of his boots, through his webbed feet, up his legs and swimming relentlessly to his inner ear where it played merry-hell with, among other things, his sense of balance. The effect this had on everyone else was that he became even more of an anti-social, belligerent misanthrope than he was every other day of the year. Many people meeting him for the first time find this hard to believe.

The Lecturer Superior gave him an expression so dead it may have once belonged to a Necron. 'Let's start with the latter of those two.' He picked up a sheet of paper with a stamped representation of a winged skull at the bottom of the page in red ink. 'According to this report you were caught paying no attention to your lecturer, reading an un-sanctioned book, threatened to break your lecturers fingers when she attempted to remove this book from your possession, called her 'a frail woman' and than the two of you descended into what could best be described as a verbal sparing match that contained, on your part, a whole host of insults of a sexist nature.' The Lecturer Superior, whose name according to his desk was probably Martem, gave a deep sigh. 'You were in a lecture to promote gender equality. What the hell were you thinking?'

'To be perfectly honest I was thinking; "give me my damn book back". The rest of it I thought was just a competition to see who could come up with the most interesting insult. I shall have to tell her I won by default the moment she sent me out of the room.' He answered with a triumphant grin upon his brutal features.

'You will have you rations cut because of this and all your privileges will be suspended until you apologize to Lecturer Hether and she is content with that apology. And if you are thinking that you are now free to do what ever you so please regardless of consequences be warned that there are far worse fates. Now' he said with a tone of finality to indicate his belief that the previous matter was utterly closed and done with 'Do you know why you were selected for Re-education, Lerik?'

'Not really'

'Do you not suspect that it was because you have caused offence to just about every officer, priest and authority figure you have ever encountered?'

Such a bloody stupid question. Such a brain-bendingly moronic question. He could not let such a thing pass without comment. He could feel the words welling up inside of his mind and he knew there was just no way that he could avoid saying them.

'No, I thought it was because I screwed, at the same time, the Lord-General Roderick's wife and daughter whilst simultaneously performing the most awesome guitar solo in the entire history of our species on the desecrated corpse of the Emperor.'

Something told him he was just about to find out what one of those other punishments could be.