The Gollum who stole Christmas
All the orcs who lived down in Orcville liked Christmas a lot
But the Gollum who lived in a dank cave in the mountain did not
Gollum hated Christmas for no particular reason
That and spoiling nice fish with taters and season
It could have been that his loin cloth was too tight
Or it could be that thought American consumerism wasn't right
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was all that time he spent brooding inside dank cave walls
But whatever the reason, loin cloth or dank cave
He brooded on Christmas in hatred and scathe
Staring out from that cave giving passing orcs a protruding evil eye
Flipping them off and wishing they would die
Knowing every orc down in Orcville was busy making bombs
And roasting their ugly orc moms
"They're hanging their siblings," he snarled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is Christmas, precious, it's practically here!"
And as he listened to the sound of orcs drumming
He growled, "We must stop this Christmas from coming!
For their noise interrupts our schizophrenic discussions
While they're killing each other or inflicting concussions
Then all the noise, noise, noise, and halls brightly lit
If there's one thing we hates more than nasty little Bagginses, that's it!"
There was so much noise that poor emaciated Gollum couldn't hear
Just then a sardonic grin spread from ear to pointy ear
He had gotten an idea, one that was sure to win
He knew what to do, but where to begin?
"We'll pretend to be Santa Claus, yes precious we shall"
So he crept through the shadows, sticking close to the wall
Till he found a festively dressed orc with a red suit and hat
And promptly he bit him till the ugly thing lied flat
He pulled off the coat and the hat and put them on right
The clothes were ten times too big, and the hat much too tight
"No matter," he attempted a chuckle, "We look just like Saint Nick"
So he harnessed up a team of tasty fish and set off with a kick
When he arrived the whole village was sleeping
Every child was in their bed unpleasantly reeking
Plugging his nose down the chimneys he slipped
Creeping from house to house, only twice his coat ripped
(sing)
You're a mean one, Mr. Gollum
You really are a grouse
You're as cuddly as a stick figure,
You're a moldy piece of fish, Mr. Gollum.
You're as emaciated and ugly as a diseased and drowned mouse!
You're a monster, Mr. Gollum,
Your heart's a century old,
Your brain is full of precious,
You've got voices in your head, Mr. Gollum
I wouldn't touch you if I were wearing a hazmat suit, I'm not that bold!
You're a foul one, Mr. Gollum,
You've been rotting in your cave
You have all the sweet aroma
Of a sweaty mountain troll, Mr. Gollum
Given the choice between the two of you I'd take troll, you're so depraved!
You're a loony, Mr. Gollum,
You're the master of filthy plots,
Your head's a hairless grapefruit
With gushy pulp inside, Mr. Gollum.
You're a mystery meat raw fish cafeteria lunch with Samwise
tater tots!
You nauseate me, Mr. Gollum,
Just like Frodo's melodramatic scenes,
You have ugly bulging eyeballs
And you kill them tasty rabbits, Mr. Gollum.
Your soul is an appalling pile of corpses with decapitated orc
heads, and mangled up spleens!
You're a rotter, Mr. Gollum,
You're a nasty wasty spaz,
You're completely schizophrenic,
And you argue with yourself, Mr. Gollum.
The two words that best describe you are as follows, and
I quote, "Gross, grosser, grossest!"
He stole all their trimmings and boxes and all their lost marbles
But especially fish nets and precious gold baubles
He took all their raw fish and their Old Toby weed
"Only Hobbits smoke that, it's not something orcs need"
He put it all in a sack and up the chimney he stuffed it
And peed in their toilets and never once flushed it
Cleverly he took all their "harmless" play swords
And hung them above beds in their hospital wards
We told you he was vile, but Frodo never believed it
He said he was innocent and threw one of his fits
Guess it would have been better if old Gollum had killed him
But let's not worry about what could have been
Back to that Gollum, where he sneakeded around
Taking their presents silently without a sound
As he was trying to lift a tree twice his weight up the chimney
He heard a small sound, like the gruff voice of ol' Gimli
Wheeling around he spied a warrior orc
It was Cindy Loo Orc who brandished a fork
Gollum pulled out a fish, aimed it straight at its head
It sent the orc running, thirsty, to bed
Now that's what I call tactics of persuasion
He crawled out the chimney, for another invasion
That Gollum went from house to smelly house
Only leaving crumbs big enough for only a louse
Finally he left, satisfied with his loot,
A hundred pounds worth, and a maggot to boot
He picked up the sack but dropped it in utter dismay
It was much too heavy, so despairing he lay
On the cold cavern floor, with not a clue what to do
He whistled for his fish, but they were dead so he ate them too
Then he heard a sound like orcs singing
Which is rather like an off key cow bell clinking
It filled his spirit with Christmas joy
"We shall give back every last toy!"
Suddenly, he morphed into Smeagol
He lifted the bags with the power of ten people
Gollum returned all the loot with another small gift
When the orcs found a time bomb, they were awfully miffed
They flung it back, but it was a day or two late
Gollum was gone, they blew up, it was great!
Gollum blew up the Shire and took over Middle Earth
Started the longest dictatorship, he ruled in absolute mirth
No one ever celebrated Christmas again, he ruled with such an iron fist
And that, Middle Earth, is the story of how the Gollum stole Christmas
