Lily, looking down at the books precariously stacked in her hands, didn't see him until – "Oops, I'm sorry, I wasn't – Oh. It's you." She had bumped right into James Potter. He stared at her for a moment like a deer in headlights. "Well, sorry, I guess." Lily didn't understand what had come over him the past year. He flirted with her, asking her out at least once a week for four years, and then suddenly, it had all stopped. He began avoiding her in the halls. Even when they had duty together as head boy and girl, he barely even looked at her. He could be so infuriating. Worst of all, Lily didn't want to think about why she was so upset that he no longer spoke to her. She bent to gather her books but James was quicker. In a flash, he had bent down and picked it up to hand it to her.
"Sorry," he mumbled. He handed her the book but didn't leave.
Lily shrugged, trying to seem dismissive. "Don't worry about it, Potter." She strode away, biting her lip. She had never seen Potter looking so unhappy. He and Black – the notorious pranksters – were always laughing about something, or, more likely, someone. Lately, however, James was more often seen skulking around on his own. It was upsetting to her to see him so downtrodden.
"Lily, wait!"
She stopped walking, but didn't turn. Careful what you wish for, Evans, she thought to herself. Here he comes now to ask you out and then he'll inevitably say something rude, just to make you hate him again. "For the last time, Potter," she said, coldly, "I will not go out with you." She turned to look at him.
He was already waving away her curt reply, "No, I'm not going to ask you out again. I've learned my lesson."
"Oh." She hoped she didn't sound as disappointed as she felt. Why should I be disappointed anyway? I don't even like him. "What do you want then?"
Potter took a deep breath, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."
"About bumping into me? Look it's really no problem I wasn't watching –" But he was already shaking his head.
"No, that's not it," he said. He looked up at her, his deep, brown eyes meeting hers. "I'm sorry about everything." His voice was shockingly soft, none of the usual arrogance or bravado. "You were right about me all along, I was just too stupid to see it."
She gaped at him. Could it be? Had James Potter actually turned into a human being? Then she realized how close he was standing. Too close, she thought, for a simple apology. Her green eyes narrowed. "What are you playing at?"
He frowned, confused, "What? What are you talking about – Wait, Lil, come back!" She had stalked away from him without a second glance. "Lily! For god's sake... EVANS!" He shouted, running to catch up. He reached out and caught her wrist, swinging her around to face him. "What are you talking about?"
"You!" she yelled, "You're just pulling a new scheme to get me to go out with you only this time you decided to go straight for the 'I'm a changed man,' approach. Well let me tell you, it isn't working. Let go!" She tried to jerk her arm free but years of quidditch had hardened his muscles.
"Evans, I don't know what you're on about," he said, angrily.
"What? Like that was just a genuine apology and not exactly what I wanted to hear? Like I couldn't see the way you were staring at me!" She laughed, though she felt more like crying. "Even your stupid voice. Everything just designed to make me think that we actually had a chance and then you were just going to sit back and wait for me to come to you weren't you?"
James looked as though she had slapped him. He opened his mouth several times but seemed to have been struck dumb. He just stood there as he watched her storm off down the hall. He was just about to give up all hope and go back to the dorm to sulk when he saw something that drove his own feelings from his mind.
Ahead of him, Lily's shoulders hunched inward slightly and she ducked her head. Her arms were pulled in tight to her sides like she was hurting. She was hurting, James realized. Because of him. Will I ever stop hurting her? he thought, then raced up the hall after her.
"Lily, please wait, I'm sorry." He fell into step alongside her. "I didn't mean to come off that way, I swear. I really meant that apology." He scrambled for words, trying to fix the mess he made. "I should never have been mean to Severus. I know that. I shouldn't have acted that way to you either. I was stupid." Lily stopped walking. A tear slipped down her cheek. Immediately, and without a thought of the consequences, James pulled her close and hugged her. "I'm sorry," he murmured, stroking her hair.
They stayed that way for several long minutes, neither of them sure what it meant. Suddenly she pulled away, "So what is it then?" She blurted, shoving his arms away from her. "Why have you been avoiding me and why – why are you so –" she stopped.
James was beginning to lose patience with the beautiful girl in front of him. "Because I finally realized that you deserve so much better than me!" He shouted. He was aware of the students who had stopped to stare at them, but he didn't care. All he saw was Lily. "I'm not good enough for you. That's it. That's all there is to it." He sounded pitiful, even to himself. He lowered his voice, trying to speak calmly. "I avoided you because it was just too much. It hurt too much." He wasn't looking at her now, but rather he was staring at his shoes. His voice broke, but he continued, unable to stop the words he had held in for so long, "Because I get it now. Why would you ever want to be with a guy like me? I'm arrogant, self-centered, and proud. Everything that you aren't." A heavy silence followed these words. James looked up, still avoiding Lily's gaze and his eyes roamed the faces of the students gawking at him. As they caught him looking, they hurriedly scurried off to class. He sighed and started to walk away, feeling beaten.
Lily, feeling dizzy, ran after him. "So that's it then?" she said, just a hint of mockery in her voice. "You're giving up?" Far from sounding as biting as she had wanted, she spoke breathlessly, almost desperately. "Funny, I thought the great James Potter was too stubborn to give up the fight that easily."
As if expecting some kind of trick, James turned slowly, narrowing his eyes at her. They stared silently at each other for some time. Each trying to gauge the other's feelings. Finally, Lily could stand his scrutiny no more. "Well?" she said, in the same soft voice, "Are you going to ask me out or not?"
James's heart pounded. His limbs felt numb and there was a sort of buzzing in his head like he had just been hit by a bludger. "Okay." He said. She stared at him with wide, hopeful eyes. He couldn't believe that she would actually want to – but Lily wasn't the type to play a cruel trick. She continued to stare at him and he realized that he hadn't actually asked. "Oh, right – er – yeah." He hesitated, taking a deep breath, then said, "Lily, will you go out with me?"
She let out a breathy sort of half laugh, before saying – miraculously – "Yes."
For a moment, James hadn't registered the words. Then, as his brain processed them, a slow grin spread across his face. "Really?" He stared at her in wonder.
She nodded, grinning in return. "Yes. Really."
Before she could move, James reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards him once again. His left hand cupped her face while his right arm wrapped around her waist, keeping her close. He hesitated though, with only a few centimeters between them, waiting. His eyes bored into hers questioningly. Lily sensed the reason behind his hesitance and smiled, closing the last distance herself until their lips met.
James gasped, a little surprised, then sighed and responded with gusto. He pulled her closer, gently, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. It was the best kiss either of them had ever had, full of years of pent up feelings. Her fingers twined in his hair and she pulled him closer, nearly knocking his glasses off his face. His right hand left her waist to run through her long red hair. When he finally had to come up for air, he gazed into her eyes, feeling happier than he had in a long time. He closed his eyes again, resting his forehead against hers.
"I love you, Lily."
The words were out before he could stop them. James flushed and Lily felt a cold pit of dread slip into her stomach. "James –" she began, but he cut her off.
"Wait, I know. I don't expect you to say it, now, or ever, really," he said, imploringly, "I don't want you to if you don't mean it and I don't want to pressure you into saying it too soon." His eyes were serious, but warm. That look quickly melted whatever doubts she had. Though she knew it was too early for her – she had just barely begun to muddle through the knot of emotions she felt towards James – she knew that he was being completely honest. She leaned in again, and this time the kiss was deeper.
Months went by and James never said those three words again. Lily became an honorary Marauder and was surprised by the other boys' excitement about it. Clearly they knew their friend had been hurting and were hoping they would eventually find each other.
Sirius was nearly as happy as James. "I'll be best man at the wedding, of course," he said.
James kicked him angrily, mouthing the words, "Too soon!" but Lily only laughed. Sirius winked at her in a conspiratorial way, beaming. She decided that she liked the mischievous, handsome boy after all.
After they had been dating for nearly six months, Lily, James and the other Marauders sat by the fire in the common room. James was telling a surprisingly self-deprecating story about his first detention when, sides splitting with laughter, Lily said, "God, I love you, James," she was still chuckling when she noticed the expression on his face.
Hastily, trying to hide the fact that his heart had risen to somewhere above the astronomy tower, James replied, "No, no! I know you didn't mean it like that. Don't worry." He busied himself by inspecting a tear in his robes.
It wasn't until she sat down next to him that he could bring himself to look at her again. His heart was in his throat but she just smiled, leaning in. His eyes were locked onto hers as she said, loudly enough for the others to hear, "I love you, James."
His reply was lost in the sound of their cheers.
