I don't own Cardcaptor Sakura CLAMP does.


MEILING'S DIARY STARTS HERE

Dear Diary,

I'm in Tomoeda I can't wait to see Tomoyo again. I'm looking forward to seeing Sakura as well. I received a letter from Syaoran and he said my friends needed some help. Syaoran said he missed me when I came through the door. He made me feel warm in side happy.

When I got to school today, I saw Syaoran and Sakura giving each over love sighs and a boy called Eriol is now sitting in my place. (It's so unfair I sit next to Syaoran. It's not fair, even now I'm angry with the teacher). I want my place back. He introduced himself to me and during class Eriol kept looking at me a blushing.

At lunchtime, I wanted to eat lunch with Syaoran, Sakura and Tomoyo like old times, but when I found Syaoran he and Sakura were making love signs (again) and eating lunch on their own. No sign of Tomoyo. And to make me even angrier, Sakura and Syaoran were snuggling up to each over and Sakura was playing with Syaoran's hair (Oh well it's mine and Tomoyo's fault we were the one's who got them together, but I still feel bitterness inside) I have to get a new boyfriend. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder, I thought it was Tomoyo no, it was that Eriol guy.

"Have you eaten your lunch yet?" he asked

"No, I haven't had a chance to. My friends all seem to be occupied at the moment" I explained glancing over to Sakura and Syaoran. They were eating lunch together and sharing food like two star cross lovers.

"I haven't had lunch yet, d'you want to eat together?" he invited me with an English charm smile (Mind you he is English, must be why he's so charming). I was so happy, happy that someone nice and kind wanted the pleasure of my company. I had to admit- he's dead kind!

"Yes please, I like to have company at lunch" I replied with a smile. His white face seemed to go red across his nose.

We ate near were the fountain is. We talked about were we come from. Eriol seemed fascinated by my story and he kept looking at me as if he'd never seen girl before, I think that he's really Tomoyo's boyfriend so I didn't flirt. Its just fairness but I had to ask if Tomoyo was his girl friend.

"Eriol I hope you don't mind my asking but." I begun, suddenly he said-

"No, Tomoyo's not my girlfriend, I don't really like her that much, she's all right I guess" Eriol told me. I'm still shocked, he's just like Syaoran and his mother they can all read minds. I wish I could do something like that, read minds.

"Oh really, Syaoran does that too you know" I told him, what was I doing? Should I be telling him this?

"Do worry I know it's kind of scary when people do that, Mind reading I mean. I hope I'm not scaring you Meiling-Chan" Eriol told me patting me head. He was the first person since I got here who had called by my name and putting Chan at the end. Everyone at home calls me Li-Chan (To tell me apart from Syaoran). Sakura calls me Meiling-san, which I think is a nice term "Friend of respect". I've called Sakura- Kinomoto-san or Kinomoto-Chan when I first meet her but she's Sakura-Chan to me. And Tomoyo is Tomoyo- Chan (My dear beloved friend, the only one who understands me). She makes all the problems I have go away, I'm her friend Meiling-Chan. Syaoran's my Syaoran-kun or Syaoran-san. What should I call Eriol? First name? Last name? Kun or San? It was like-'Think Meiling think'. Finally he said, "Call me Eriol-Kun okay Meiling-Chan?"

He read my mind again, well Eriol-Kun was saying- Eriol friend we are now friends. I have a new friend, so what if he took away all the darkness and beat up Yue and Kero-san? He's really a nice guy, I think.

"You don't mind my calling you Meiling-Chan? Or would you prefer Li-Chan?" Eriol asked politely. I didn't mind Meiling-Chan; I've always wanted to be called that. Tomoyo calls me Meiling-Chan, but I have been Li-Chan before she called me that.

"No call me Meiling-Chan, it's easier to tell me and Syaoran's sisters apart that way", I told him with a giggle. I must have sounded stupid! I feel a bit of embarrassment shock shoot down my heart, that feeling you get when you've said something wrong and someone's sharply corrected you.

"Don't be embarrassed, Meiling-Chan" Eriol said stocking my arm. I felt that twinge you get when someone kind torches your skin. I've felt that way before.

"Your name is very interesting" Eriol suddenly said changing the subject slightly. I nodded slowly-

"So is yours, Eriol? What does it mean?" I asked quickly, Eriol thought and replied.

"I've never really known, I try to find out but my name is strange in England" Eriol explained. I think I know what it means-

"Lion" I said quickly again,

"Sorry? Lion?" Eriol said looking at me with a smile that cut right through me like Syaoran's sword had stabbed me, but I replied again-

"Your name, I believe it means God's Lion", I shyly said looking at his blue eyes. They seemed to shine when I told him, "An English team, I think?"

"Your name is very pretty Meiling, Chinese Beauty?" Eriol said after a while. He knew what my name ment. 'Beauty' I really don't live up to my name.

Just then the bell rang, Eriol got up and like a gentleman offered his hand to help me up. "I'll see you in class, Pretty Peal" he told me and before running off he kissed my hand. He did that to Sakura once, Syaoran was very unhappy about Eriol kissing Sakura's hand.

I feel so flatted he kissed 'my' hand. That hasn't happened in ages. I feel like a really lady now.

All through 8th and 9th period Eriol kept looking and smiling to me. Tomoyo was giggling, I'm not a mind reader but I knew she was thinking 'New romance'. She wishes, I am not too sure if I want to do that again.

Syaoran and Sakura where looking at Eriol and then at me. They whispered something and then giggled.

I can't wait for school tomorrow see my new friend; I wonder what he's doing now. I feel like I have a connection with him some how. Maybe he knows something about something that he needs to tell Sakura and Syaoran. I wonder what it is if there is something there.

I have to go now Diary, thank you and good night,

Love Meiling Li

P.S- Rika wasn't in today, Chiharu says she's feeling unwell I hope she's better soon. I think there might be a bug going around. Syaoran's getting a fever too; he might be off tomorrow too. I'll tell you if he does, Sakura will be upset about her tong reselling contest isn't in.

Dear Diary,

As I predicted Syaoran is sick so he's in bed, maybe I am a mind reader or something. He says he's not sick but Wei and I have seen it all before. He just doesn't like being sick and not going to school because of Sakura being there. So I'm on Kinomoto watch for him, in case of any trouble. Great, I have a life too cousin Syaoran! And part of it doesn't imply babysitting your girlfriend.

I DO have a life and I'm not a screw up like my parents say. I feel so alone in this world sometimes.

I saw Eriol today. We talked again and he asked, "Meiling what's your life story, if you don't mind my asking?"

"No, I'll tell you if you tell me yours afterwards" I told him. Eriol agreed, sat down and listened to my story.

My start out in life was a mess; I was unwanted by my parents, an accident. My mother was a kid when she had me and my father was busy all the time with work. So I was born and unwanted, my father's cousin and mother's brother Syaoran's father helped look after me and I meet my cousin Syaoran that way.

When Syaoran's father passed away his mother and mine betrothed Syaoran and I. I remember my mother talking to my father about it-

"This is the best way, Zinan (My father's name)" Mother snapped. Brushing her long very dark brown hair out of her eyes, and rubbing her pregnant tummy. I was outside the living room door, listening to them talking.

"Jinling (Mother's name), my wife why must we? Family blood is Li blood", my father told her in his noble.

"Syaoran Li's blood and magic is great and I will have grandchildren with magic, for some reason I know not I was born with no magic with my two brothers who did, Zyiro had hardly any and Ryury (her pet name for Li's father) had all the magic in the world" mother yelled in father's ear. "Meiling is the key to getting all of that, she's my daughter and with beauty she will bare beautiful children".

The Key? I wasn't a key for what my mother and father to gain power on the clan, was I, what about the new baby? When she or he is born will she or he be used like this. Not a he, he would have rights.

"Husband, Meiling is ours and I intend to use her for a good life. She will make a great bride and give The Li Clan sons" my mother ravened on. My father looked to her in fear.

"Meiling has a right to choose" father said, "Like Ryuu told you, he wants the best for Syaoran".

"This is the best for both Meiling and Syaoran, it's about time that puppy came to use for Yelan, she is a direct descendent of Clow Reed" mother yelled out. "And it's about time Meiling came to use too". Father didn't like this.

"Wait a minute, Meiling is just four, Syaoran is four next month in July and it's been a year since Ryuu died. I don't see how you can see Meiling as a rag doll you can toss around" Father snapped back, "If you didn't want to be a mother you should have said". Mother sat next to Father and put her hand on her tummy again.

"You wouldn't let me get rid of it" Mother snapped to him. 'It' was I just 'It' to her? Father thought the same as me. Yes he wasn't very happy I was here and alive in this world, but at least he didn't think of me as 'It'.

"When in her life has Meiling been a 'It'?" Father asked,

"When she was in my womb she wasn't 'She', it was 'It'" Mother snapped again her hair in a mess with furry. I remember being so scared, my mother and father were always arguing over what they will do with me. It made me feel like an old bathroom towel or an old rag doll, 'It' is hers.

"No Meiling has always been a she, and she was a she then and she is now. She was a person when your oval was fertilized, from then she was a SHE" Father snapped back trying to use 'she' in his speech. "I will only agree if we get something good out of this and if Yelan truly agrees with this".

Then it was done, this 'It' had her life thrown in front of her face. Father never questioned it again, never.

When I was five, finally, truly I fell in love with Syaoran when he saved my bird, Kagami. Named after my favourite Clow Card- The Mirror Card. Syaoran and I would play cardcaptors for our game and I loved it. Syaoran and I took our training very seriously, we are both trained in Marshal Arts.

When we were seven our cousin Tora died at the age of nine, we all miss her dearly; she died because she fell into pond in Syaoran's back yard. Syaoran fell in to and almost died himself but Wei saw him and got him out. Thankfully he was all right but Tora was already dead.

When we were nine our cousin Yoshi died, he was fifthteen and to Syaoran it was losing a big brother. Syaoran really misses Yoshi even today, and when he's ill he has bad dreams of him.

I've never told anyone the troubles Syaoran gets while he's sleeping. He sees his father, Tora or Yoshi all the time. And in his head he can picture the water again and looking up, seeing someone there. Watching him drown. He sees his father now and again, but never really knew him. Syaoran was only turning three when he died.

As for me, I have bad dreams of Syaoran's death, many horrible ways. As the Cardcaptor who helps the Clow Mistress I fear for his life like a sister. I feel a sense of sisterhood with him then cousinhood now he says he loves Sakura. I know how Jane-Anne, Clow Reed's helper (Like what Syaoran is to Sakura) died. She had her head cut off because Clow Reed thought she had broke the Eastern Enchantments and Western Wizardry laws.

Even today in the Li Clan it is the law that even the Leader should die if a rule is broken. Head chopping, burning, and crushing them all of the things that normal people rid of centuries ago but they are still happening to people like Syaoran. It scares me I'm frightened for my friends and family with magic.

My mother and father see me as a tool but they don't use my sister Meiquing she's just normal girl. But my mother and father expect so much from me, mother is angry I lost Syaoran to a mother calls- "A dirty Japanese sow".

When Syaoran told me he loved Sakura I felt alone again, what was my reason for being here? I don't have one. My life is just a mess. Everything I touch bites me very hard on the fingers. And now Tomoyo and I have got Syaoran and Sakura together and the two are in love and still I'm alone. I can be surrounded by Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo, Naoko, Rika, Chiharu and Takashi and be completely alone.

"Eriol do you know what I mean?" I asked after telling him all this. Eriol moved closer to me on the bench we were sitting on and whispered in my ear-

"You can never be alone if you look inside yourself and see the beautiful and kind girl you are"; his voice was kind to my ear. I shut my eyes and felt his tong at my ear, I felt that beating of my heart and my face blushed slightly. I've seen Sakura do this to Syaoran and Syaoran do it to Sakura, I've always wondered what it feels like. Finally Eriol took his tong a way and asked me, "Do you want to know my story? It's not as deep as yours but I did promise to tell you mine if you told me yours". I nodded and sat very close to him hanging on his every word.

My story starts in England, I was born in London at my home. I have no brothers or sisters and my parents died years ago 194 years ago to be exact. I am just one part of Clow Reed and Sakura's father is the over part. My magic has been split now between Fujitaka. I've been this age for years after my parents died and now I can finally grown up like a normal kid, now the new Mistress of the cards in chosen.

Eriol told me this very quickly I couldn't get to grips with it all. (Mind you he's not a normal kid). My story was my mother and father yelling over what to do with me or what's best for me. They have no idea how scared they can make me, how scared they can make me feel. I feel safe with my friends I know nothing can happen to me with them. As soon as I'm home I worry, when I'm on holiday and I'm with mother's family they ask what I think of my father. What do I say? I am scared and I have to keep going, I tell myself. Keep going for the people who need me and love me. But who does need me? And one more question. Who is it who loves me?

"You will know what to do one day Meiling-Chan" Eriol said softly stroking my arm, "You'll know what to do". We then walked a spent the rest of lunch together.

Help me! I'm crying to the world and can anybody hear my cry? Can anybody save me; I wish I were like Sakura. In love with somebody and happy with a hope of being that person's wife, she has Syaoran and his love. I'd kill to have that. Anyway I'll talk tomorrow diary.

All my love to my little heart and power,

Meiling Li

Our Name's and Meanings-

Meiling- Beauty
Tomoyo- Good and Clever
Sakura- Cherry Blossom
Syaoran- Little Wolf
Eriol- God's Lion
Toya- Peach Blossom
Yukito- Snow

Syaoran and my surname meaning-

Li- Fire (Chinese name, it's the element fire)

P.S Syaoran's still got a fever; I hope he'll be okay. Sakura came round and talked to him. Better then them being on the phone, they could be on for hours. Like I don't get calls myself, okay I don't really. But still Wei and I live here too and there is only one phone line.

Syaoran must have told Sakura a million times that she should call him on the cell phone. Tomoyo's told her too. Sakura forgets she has a cell phone ever since cardcaptoring ended. I wish there was more happening, I wish I could have helped more when there was something happening. But I didn't, my mother's right I should just go live under somebody's stairs. That's really it.