A Lost Slayer: Reflections

Author: Anthony Powell
Spoilers: Buffy Season 4, Angel Season 1
Summary: 2 Years into her custodial sentence Faith looks back on the moments that shaped her life.
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: Faith and any characters that appear in BTVS are the property of Joss Whedon and 20th Century Fox. Any other fictional characters and places are mine.
Rating: 15
Feedback: Please send emails to anthonypowell2002@hotmail.com.
Comment: The background of Faith has never been explored this is simply my view on what it could have been. No other fan fictions or books have been used this is simply my own view using some of the wonderful characters from the Buffy TV show.
Note: This is a story any paragraphs in italics though are reflective commentary by Faith from her POV present day.

Introduction

The Cold Steel bars of prison stare at me all the time, you can see inmates, guard's even parts of your life disappearing by them everyday. Your life carries on but the bars remain you can't go anywhere or do anything until your told, which is funny I was never one for orders or authority, yet I have to answer to someone everyday. I have my food when told; I have to be told when I can sleep when I can exercise. This didn't used to be me, before I was like a force of nature I went where I wanted, did what I wanted, took what I wanted I was The Slayer. What's a Slayer? The chosen one, the one with a destiny and who has the power to fight vampires and demons. Yet in here that means absolutely nothing, there are no vampires or demons to fight, so what am I doing in this place? If I have all this power why am I here?

I used to be someone with power someone with a purpose I had a mission, but in this place I'm just a shell of what I once was. There are no vamps to stake no world to save yet I'm a better person now than I ever was. I was wrong earlier there are demons to fight in here but they aren't physical they are demons that each of us carry and have to live with, and boy if my inner demons were a physical being they would be straight from the Hellmouth. That's the thing about prison its so different than the outside world, to most people it is like a living hell, but for me with what I've seen and experienced this place is far worse than that. In here there is no where to hide from yourself you have to face yourself every day, before I had the Slaying, I could always rely on a good dusting to hide from my many problems.

The slaying even brought me some friends; I had never had any friends before. On my first day in Sunnydale I was beginning to fit in I even bonded pretty well with another Slayer named Buffy. But I turned on them, I betrayed them and stabbed them in the back, all because I couldn't live with myself after an accident one night whilst slaying. I then went on to hurt Buffy a lot, she always wanted to be my friend to give me a chance, but back then I didn't want to hear, I went after her boyfriends and her friends. I used to think it was to prove that I was better than she was, but now I realise that it was because I wanted to be her. She had everything I didn't a loving mom, friends, boyfriend, respect, a decent life, and I tried to get a piece of everything. I seduced her friend Xander to try to get a bit of her friends I did the same to the love of Buffy's life Angel, I tried to turn him into a killer to get him on my side just because she had what I wanted. When I finish my sentence in here I know I have a lot of redemption to seek, a lot of forgiveness to earn. But I am more determined than ever to do it, I don't know whether I will ever be able to make up for the things that I did wrong but I'm going to try I have to. Buffy, Willow, Xander and Angel all tried to show me where I went wrong they tried a number of times to get through to me. I have to at least try to repay them for what they all tried to do, I know its a bit late in the day, to be talking like this but I guess I'm like Buffy's Boyfriend Angel a person seeking redemption, for things I did when I was another person.

And I truly believe I am a different person I have been in here going on 2 years, 2 years of reflection of looking at myself and trying to change. It has been hard and I know it will always be a fight not to slip back into bad habits but I need to try to go back on the choices I made.

What led me to these choices, what events in my life shaped what I was and would become, why did I turn on everyone who wanted to know and help me? Well maybe it was the fateful night in Sunnydale an accident whilst out slaying, where I killed a Human being. I think that is definitely one of them but I think it can be traced back earlier than that. To a night in South Boston where I returned from a patrol to find my watcher missing, I then found her and arrived just in time to see her tortured and executed in front of my eyes. That is close but I think I have to go back to the beginning of my story, the story of a lost Slayer.... Named Faith