Vindicated
Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong,
I am right, I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along,
I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well,
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself,
Like hope.
-Dashboard Confessional
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Kate raps the wood of the door sharply with her knuckles, shivering as she does. She can feel goose-bumps rising on her skin as a draft of cold penetrates jacket and sweater. The air is still and frigid as she stands waiting in the hallway of the slightly shabby apartment building. It is dim and uninviting, smelling of mildew and cigarette smoke.
She doesn't know what she is expecting from this visit. She's come to her senses about a few things over the last few months, and this just seems like where she needs to be. Her only place left to run.
There is a rustle behind the door and the sound of someone grumbling. The deadbolt slides back with a begrudging metallic click, and the door opens, revealing a shaggy head and a body, bare to the waist.
Sawyer blinks and sweeps his blonde mop of hair out of his face, looking ready to unleash a string of strategic curses upon his late-night visitor. His anger falters, as he finds himself looking into a familiar face.
He opens and closes his mouth a few times, like a fish out of water, gulping in the air that it cannot breathe. "What the hell you doin' here Freckles?" he finally mutters, sounding glad to see her, even though his words are harsh.
Kate smiles. "Heard you were in the city. Thought I 'd come say hi."
"At two in the goddamn morning, you came to say 'hi'? I'll never understand you Freckles."
Sawyer shakes his head and backs up to let her in. He observes to himself that her clothes are weathered.
Her baggy jacket looks about three sizes too big for her thin frame, and the knees of her jeans are torn out. She still wears the same damn hiking boots that she wore on the island all those months ago. Still, she looks healthy. He notices that her cheeks seem fuller, pink with the chilly night air maybe, even though her expression is a bit grimmer. He knows how much a toll the island took on all of them, so he dismisses it. He is glad to see her.
Kate tentatively puts her backpack on the floor by the door and enters the small apartment. She catches the faint scent of alcohol on Sawyer's breath as she brushes past him. As he locks the door, Kate glances around.
There are a few socks strewn about the bare wood floor of the living room. Sawyer hurriedly kicks them out of the walkway, giving a snarky, "Since I didn't know I was gonna have company I didn't get 'round to tidying up."
They stand awkwardly for a moment, he in his flannel pajama pants and she in her beat up street clothes. Sawyer runs a hand through his hair. He moves into the small open kitchen to the right of them. Opening his beat up old refrigerator, he asks, "You want a drink? I got water, orange juice, beer…?"
Kate nods, "Water's fine." she says quickly.
He motions vaguely behind her. "You can hang up your coat, Freckles. I ain't gonna kick you out or anything."
She cracks a smile, though she seems nervous. "Thanks James." Kate hooks her coat by the door and pauses for a moment before taking a seat on the couch.
Sawyer returns from the kitchen with a glass of water for her and a beer for himself. He settles himself in a chair across from her, looking her up and down. "So what happened, Kate?" he asks, knowing he won't get a straight answer.
Sipping her water and setting it down on the coffee table, she gives him an innocent look. "You know I was staying with Jack for a while, right?"
He stiffens visibly at this, but he nods. "That went south then, eh?" he says gruffly.
Now it's Kate who seems uncomfortable. "Yeah, you could say that. You could also say that I came to my senses."
"What d'you mean?"
"Nothing…I just…I didn't think it was the best situation."
The look he gives her says he just wants the truth, no playing around. "And?"
Kate bites her lip and decides to tell him — better yet, show him. "Okay Sawyer, you wanna know?"
He gives a curt nod. "That'd be nice."
Unexpectedly, she stands up and pulls her baggy sweater tighter around her middle. There it is, the tell-tale bump.
"Guess I don't need to explain."
Sawyer's lips part slightly in silent surprise. He seems to be trying very hard to wrap his mind around the situation. Anger and fear are at the edges of his thoughts. He gulps. "Well Freckles, you're lookin' a lot more pregnant than the last time I saw ya." Usually a remark like this would have warranted a cocky attitude to set it off, but his words come out faint and somber.
She gives him a wry look. "I'm only in my second trimester." They're silent for a few moments.
Kate shrugs and stands awkwardly while he gapes. "There." she says. "Now you know.
"I couldn't stay with Jack. Jack's been having problems…coping with being back. He's been drinking, and I think he's probably into some prescription meds. It's like this big nightmare scenario that you think will never happen to anyone you know." she explains quietly.
He shakes his head. "Damn it, Kate."
"I guess this would be the part where you kick me out then, huh?" She's braced herself for this already. She almost expected worse. Kate's eyes are welling up as she stands, even though she looks like she's just confirmed something. "Damn hormones." She mutters, sniffing. "Thanks for listening, James."
As she's halfway to the door, he gets up and groans, "Wait."
Kate turns back to him and he can't bear how scared, and lost, and angry she looks.
He is a mirror of what he sees in her at this moment. Terrified and confused.
"I ain't kickin' you out."
She bites her lip. "What then?"
James shrugs; he's as lost as she is. He doesn't know how to deal with what he's feeling, or the situation, but he knows he doesn't want her to go. Of that, he is sure.
Watching her leave again would be more painful than anything. What if the baby is his? A little jolt of fear grips him at this thought. He already has one kid who will never know him. If he drives Kate away now, it will happen all over again. He can't do it, he can't do it because he loves her. He can't push her away now that he has her back.
If the kid is Jack's…he shoves that thought to the back of his mind. Maybe he wouldn't care. Maybe he knows he shouldn't care, because he knows Kate is at his apartment now, asking him for help. Maybe he'll never know, and he won't even want to ask.
"Sawyer," Kate pulls him out of his thoughts by calling his nickname, the nickname that she knew him by back on the island. She hangs her head. "I'm so damn scared."
That does it. He shakes his head slightly, knowing he's gotten into something that has no easy way out. He was already a part of it, from the moment she knocked on his door…maybe even before that. He doesn't even care about himself right now, he cares about someone else. It's been a long time since he had the chance for that.
She all but runs to him, and buries her face in his bare shoulder with a little sob. His arms wrap around her, holding her as close as he can. Her tears fall on his skin as she presses in on him. He can feel it now, her pregnant belly against him. Maybe he's imagining it, but for a second he thinks he can feel light kicking.
Kate looks up at him, giving a slight chuckle and beaming through her tears. She knows he felt it.
"Well I'll be damned."
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A/N: If I get encouragement to continue this I will, I just haven't done so yet because I know how insanely flufftastic it will be. To answer some questions: Yes, I do insert babies into almost all my stories. They're a good storyline...and I love babies because they're the cutest darn things ever, lmao. Also, I am ripping off my own story "Post Lost" because I am utterly not happy with it and probably not continuing unless someone gives me a big frikkin' amazing idea.
