It's not mine. It's all drawn from J.K. Rowling and 20th Century Fox.

Romancing the Stone:

A Lily and James Tale Based on the Movie

Chapter 1: In Which Lily Goes to Columbia

or

In Which Lily is Rescued by a Scoundrel

ooo…ooo

Lily Evans had just finished her latest book. She was a very professional and well-known author and was (in full knowledge of the aforementioned facts) sobbing her eyes out. She always did that (the sobbing thing) at the end of a book; romance just had a way of getting to her. For you see, Lily Evans was a romance novelist. Sure she'd done her years at Hogwarts learning magic, but her true calling had always been writing.

So here she was, seven years later, an internationally renowned novelist. Her novels even did well in the Muggle community, although they obviously considered them to be fantasy romances. Lily sniffled a bit as she wiped at her tears with her hand. Jesse, the hero of all of her novels, had just saved the day again. A Wizard's Seduction, the book she'd just finished, was really one of her best and Jesse was simply magnificent in it.

Lily pushed back from her desk and went in search of tissues only to find that there were absolutely none in her small flat. She scribbled herself a quick note about buying some more (and paper towels and toilet paper) and pinned it to her bulletin board, not noticing the five other notes carrying the exact same message. She was always like that while she was writing a book, completely oblivious.

Sighing, Lily decided it was time to celebrate. With a decisive air, she got out the can opener and put Romeo's food on a small china dish instead of in his bowl. Romeo was the spotted orange cat who shared the small flat with her and loved celebrating the end of novels (especially since his feedings while she was writing tended to be sporadic).

Lily poured herself a bit of whisky and kicked back on the couch, enjoying the feeling of a job well done. Romeo brushed around her socks and hoped onto her lap purring into the ratty flannel nightgown she'd been wearing for the past 3 days before heading to his dinner (she'd even put a garnish on top for the occasion), making Lily feel quite appreciated.

Lily spared a single wistful glance at one of the many enlarged cover arts handing on her wall of a man silhouetted against the horizon. He was Jesse, of course, her hero.

"Here's to you Jesse," Lily muttered before throwing back the whisky in a single gulp. It was silly, she decided, to be attached to man who didn't even exist.

ooo…ooo

Lily woke up to the sound of ringing and sleepily answered her phone.

"Hello?" No one responded.

"Hello?" She repeated. Then she heard the dial tone. Odd, very odd.

Getting up, Lily stretched and glanced at the clock. It read "Late" and was verging on "Very Late." Lily's eyes shot wide as she remembered her meeting with her publisher at the Leaky Cauldron today, about ten minutes ago, actually.

In a record fifteen minutes, Lily was bundled up in her winter gear with her hair in a knot on the top of her head and racing down the stairs, manuscript tucked under her arm. On the stairwell, she nearly ran over old Mrs. Patterson and out of obligation after that, she helped Mrs. Patterson the rest of the way up the stairs. Nobody above the age of 65 should be allowed to live on the 7th floor, Lily decided.

"Oh, dearie, I almost forgot, this came for you," Mrs. Patterson said, extracting a large envelope from her voluminous handbag. "The postman couldn't fit it in your slot, so I took it for you. "

"Thank you," Lily said, glancing it over. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw the Columbian stamps and Eduardo's handwriting.

"Is it a love letter?"

"Don't be silly, Mrs. Patterson," Lily said, shoving it into her purse.

"You'll find someone, don't you worry, love," Mrs. Patterson said with a patronizing pat on the cheek.

"Thank you, Mrs. Patterson," Lily called over her shoulder as she once again escaped down the stairs.

She slid into the Leaky Cauldron, a measly 45 minutes late, and found Gloria, her publisher, talking up a rather Ken-doll-ish looking man. Lily sidled over and Gloria immediately began trying to set Lily up with the plastic man. After far too many sickening winks and artful attempts at running away, Gloria relented and she and Lily found a booth by themselves.

"You know I just want to see you happy dear. I worry about you spending all of your time with that cat and no human interaction."

"Gloria, I'm fine, trust me," Lily said, "I've been on my own pretty much my entire life. Seriously, go find some of my old Hogwarts classmates; they'll tell you they saw me maybe 5 times a year outside of class."

"You really are too reclusive, you know?"

"If I say yes, will you leave me alone about it?" Gloria rolled her eyes and changed the subject, "So how's that friend of yours, Marcy?"

"You mean, Marlene?"

"Yes, yes, her. Did they find her husband's body yet?"

"They still only have a few pieces," I told her. Poor Marlene. She's pretty much my only friend. I was even the maid of honor at her wedding. She and her husband, Eduardo, live in Columbia (well, Eduardo lived there). Eduardo disappeared a few weeks ago and has been turning up in rather small bits since.

"Oh, it's such a pity," Gloria sympathized, clicking her nails on her glass.

"Yeah, it is, but she'll be fine; she always is." Marlene had that wonderful ability of being able to bounce back from anything. "It's weird, though, I got a package from Eduardo today. He must have sent it right before he …" Lily trailed off, not particularly wanting to say 'was murdered.'

"Wow, it really boggles the mind, no?"

"Yes, it does. Anyway, I've got the manuscript. Read it and weep. Merlin knows I always do," Lily said, shoving it across the table to Gloria.

"You really are amazing, dear."

"Thanks, Gloria, but I'm going to head home."

"No, come on, stay a little longer."

Lily shook her head, slid out of the booth, and, after reaching the outside, apparated to the front of her building, wanting to just collapse back in bed and recover the sleeping hours she'd lost to writing.

Lily was turning the key to her flat when it first struck her that something was out of place. As the door swung open, her ransacked apartment filled her eyes, and she figured out what was out of place … everything. Feeling very violated and slightly (well, perhaps majorly) like having a panic attack, she screamed as Romeo jumped down from on top of the kitchen shelves, meowing pitifully.

She clutched her chest and whispered, "Romeo, sweet Merlin, you almost scared me to death."

Then the phone rang and that really did her in, sending her stumbling to the floor. Dragging herself up, she snatched the phone off of the wall and snapped, "Yes?"

"Lily? Is that you?"

"Marlene," Lily said, recognizing the voice, " I really can't talk now." It was true. She needed to call the Aurors or the Bobbies or someone.

"Lils, listen to me; I'm in trouble. Big trouble!"

"Trouble?" Lily echoed feeling rather like she was brain dead.

"Lils, did Eduardo send you anything? Anything at all? A large envelope, perhaps?"

"Oh, yes, yes, he did," Lily said, pulling it out of her purse, which still hung limply from her shoulder.

"Does it have a map in it, Lils? A treasure map?"

Lily ripped it open and pulled out what was indeed a map. "Yes it is a map, it says El Corazon."

"Alright, good, great. Lily I need you to bring me that map here in Columbia."

"Columbia? Are you insane? I can't go to Columbia!" Lily wailed. This was why she didn't have friends.

"Lily, this is a life or death situation, ok? Are you listening? I need you to bring it to the Hotel Cartagena in Cartagena. I have a number for you to call when you get there. Do you have a quill?"

"Yeah," Lily said, snatching a note about buying tissues off of the counter and on it wrote down the numbers are Marlene spoke them, 64 56 39. "But Marly, I can't come to Columbia. Not now."

"Lily, if you don't come they'll hurt me." Lily froze and a sob echoed down the line. "Lily, they'll Crucio me."

The line went dead and Lily stared at the phone appalled. Oh my Gods.

ooo…ooo

That evening found her apparating to the portkey station. This was crazy. She hated traveling and yet here she was, jumping halfway around the globe to go and save Marlene … with only a treasure map in hand. Oh, there was no way this could turn out well.

Luckily, Gloria had agreed to watch Romeo and deal with getting her flat back in working order. Thank goodness for small favors. Not that Gloria hadn't accused her of being 6 kinds of mentally unstable before she left, which had been rather bad for her self-esteem.

What felt like three days later, Lily stumbled into the Columbian portkey station, which apparently doubled as a Muggle airport, and suddenly wished that she'd said yes to the creepy man behind the counter who'd asked if she wanted to hire a translator. She couldn't understand any of the signs or anything being said. There were animals and people alike covering the floor and policemen in rather scary uniforms everywhere else.

Somehow, she managed to get outside and locate the buses. There were at least seven, all of which looked rundown and unsafe to ride in. Sighing, she lugged her suitcase to the nearest one.

"Does this bus go to Cartagena?" She yelled over the crowd.

The bus driver apparently didn't speak English or was just bent on ignoring her. Where was that translation book Gloria had given her? Lily searched for it in her purse, while a tall, dark-skinned man came up beside her.

"Cartagena?" He said.

Lily looked up in surprise. "Do you speak English?"

The man nodded.

"Wonderful! Do you know if this bus goes to Cartagena?"

"Cartagena," the man said with another nod. Lily sighed in relief. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Thank you so much!" Lily said with a heartfelt smile.

After some minor struggling and the surreptitious use of a levitating charm, Lily got her suitcase on top of the bus and settled herself into one of the rickety seats. Exhausted, she let the sway of the bus rock her to sleep.

She awoke with a start to find the bus still chugging along. Desperate for fresh air, Lily lowered her window and got the start of her life: they were in the middle of a huge (or more accurately GIGANTIC) jungle! That couldn't be right. Lily struggled out of her seat and maneuvered her way to the front of the bus.

"When will we get to Cartagena?" She asked, yelling, hoping that would make the poor bus driver understand her better. The driver turned to look at her in a puzzled way and as Lily desperately searched her mind for any Spanish she might know, the jeep sitting in the middle of the road right on their path caught her attention. Since they were clearly about to die Lily did the only sensible thing she could think of: she screamed like a pathetic little girl.

The driver slammed the brakes, but he was too late and they smashed, with quite a crunch, into the jeep, knocking it up on its back wheels and smashing the front of the bus in. Immediately everyone began yelling, filing off of the bus, and grabbing their belongings.

"Where are they going?" Lily asked in the pitiful hope someone would answer.

"They have decided to walk to the nearest village." Lily whipped around to see the same man who'd helped her at the station standing behind her.

"Oh, I suppose we should go too, then."

"No need, another bus will be along soon."

"Really?" Lily said, hoping against hope it was true. Walking was not her strong point and her Italian high heels probably weren't the best footwear for the job either.

The man nodded.

"But why aren't they waiting then?" Lily asked, gesturing after their fellow passengers disappearing down the road with the birdcages they'd stolen off of the Jeep that the bus had just destroyed.

"They do not know any better. They are peasants; they know nothing."

"Oh," Lily said, not at all sure she liked this man.

She located her suitcase amid the rubble and, setting it upright, sat down on top of it, feeling rather like crying, but not wanting to embarrass herself in front of the strange man. She looked back towards him again and found herself staring straight down a wand. Holy Shit! She leapt to her feet.

"You will not move, Ms. Evans."

Lily nodded wholeheartedly, not even caring how he knew her name. She was going to die.

"Now, Ms. Evans …" The man started, but he never got a chance to finish because at that exact moment, a swaggering figure topped the hill to the left of where they stood.

The vile and clearly evil man who was holding her hostage shot what Lily assumed was a stunning spell toward the man. She supposed it was because he didn't like interruptions or something. Amazingly, the man at the top of the hill whipped out a wand (who knew there were so many wizards in Columbia) and blocked the spell, firing back one of his own in the progress. To avoid the spell the vile man had to dive and roll away from her to take cover behind the jeep.

Lily figured she now had a few choices and she opted for diving straight under the bus, hoping to the Gods that neither of the men decided to blow the thing up. Lily covered her head as a curse rocked the bus above her. She was going to die. And then Marlene would die because Lily hadn't brought the map to her crazed captors. Oh gods, she was a failure!

Lily cringed as glass broke from the bus windows and then watched in surprise as the vile man raced down the road, running for his life as the man from the top of the hill stumbled into view (well, his legs did anyway) firing another curse at the vile man's heels. Lily wasn't entirely sure if she should get out from under the bus yet even if the vile man was gone. Perhaps she should just stay under here for a few minutes … or forever.

"Merlin, Vishnu, and Artemis!" The man from the hill cursed, kicking one of the broken cages that littered the road.

Lily tried to make herself as small as possible as he paced over in her direction, his wand hanging down by his side and looking rather threatening. Lily literally stopped breathing as he knelt down and peered at her lying on her stomach in the mud under the broken bus. She felt rather silly now. Perhaps it was his piercing hazel eyes or absolutely gorgeous jaw line, but he made her feel like she was 15 all over again, and that was not a good age to remember.

"Going to come out?" He asked with a flip of his head, drawing attention to his rather mesmerizing mess of black hair.

Lily nodded and scrambled out into the open and onto her feet. He spoke English at least, Lily thought, trying to stay positive. He was once again surveying the Jeep, which she assumed must have been his.

"Do you know where the nearest city is?" She asked meekly.

The man turned to her and laughed, "City? Miami maybe." Miami? Wasn't that in the U.S.?

"Do you know where I can find a phone?" She tried again.

The crinkles around his eyes deepened in amusement and he pointed down the road. "Try three days in that direction."

Lily blanched. She was going to die. The man turned back around and began fishing stuff out of his Jeep.

"Will there be another bus?"

The man laughed yet again and gestured with open arms at the empty jungle around them and said, "Welcome to rush hour, love," before turning back to his work. Lily took that to mean there would be no bus.

"How can I get to Cartagena from here?" She asked and mentally braced for another laugh.

Indeed it came and the man said, "Cartagena, that's straight in the other direction by the coast."

"But," Lily spluttered, "that man said that this was the bus to Cartagena!"

"Oh, the man who was holding a wand at your head?" Lily was about to retort when she realized he was right. Blast him. She watched as he slung a rucksack over his shoulders and slid his wand into a holster at his waist.

"Well, this has been charming, but I'm heading out before the rain starts." Lily looked at the sky; it did look like rain.

"Wait!" She cried, registering that he was indeed leaving her there. "You don't understand! I need to get to Cartagena! It's a matter of life and death! My friend needs me! I need to get there soon or at the very least I need to get to a telephone!" Lily pleaded.

The man turned around and eyed her. "But what's in it for me?" Lily felt rather affronted. He expected her to pay him. Honestly, he should be a gentleman and do the job for free. Nevertheless desperate times called for desperate measures.

"I'll give you 50 galleons." The man laughed again.

"100 galleons?" Lily suggested. He turned around and started walking again.

"200 galleons!" She yelled, feeling desperate. That stopped him and he slowly retraced his tracks back to her.

"I may not have a lot in this world, but I'm neither stupid nor cheap. My minimum price for taking a stranded woman to a telephone is 400 galleons." 400 galleons! He was insane, crazy, and mentally unstable. If only she didn't so desperately need to get to a phone. Or if only she had some idea of where in the world she was.

"Will you take 375 in travelers checks?"

"Gringotts?"

"Of course." What know of woman did he think she was?

The man grinned, looking fiendish and devastatingly handsome at the same time. "I think we have ourselves a deal."

Two hours later Lily was considering the merits of simply lying down and dying. That dratted man didn't even have the decency to carry her suitcase, making her lug it along instead. Her arms were sore, she was covered in mud, and, due to the aforementioned rain, was soaked to the bone and feeling vaguely like a drowned fish. The man stopped, pausing at a curve in the road next to a drop off into the jungle. Lily pulled to stop beside him, hoping this was a break of some sort.

"Do you have any valuables in that suitcase?" The man asked.

"No … I mean yes, my clothes are in it," Lily said, contemplating sitting down on the thing for the duration of this blessed break.

"Any money, jewelry, walking shoes?" Lily shook her head, wondering why he cared. Suddenly he bent down and picked up her suitcase. Well, well, Lily thought, I guess he's not so bad after all if he'll carry my case for me.

Then with no ceremony or warning he chucked her suitcase off of the cliff they were standing on and watched lazily as it smashed into a tree and then continued its decent into the irretrievable. Lily's mouth opened and closed like a drunken fish (which was progress from a dead one) unable to find any words.

"Well now we'll make up for some time," the insufferable man said, like he'd just done everyone a huge favor.

"Why you bas …" Lily never got a chance to finish her word or sentence as the ground (well, apparently it was unstable mud) dropped out from under her and she found herself riding down a mudslide, screaming like a banshee.

ooo…ooo

Thank you very much for reading! If you haven't recently fallen off of a cliff and have extra time lying about, I love reviews. This story will be about 5 chapters long, so it's a short story if you will. And for any people who've seen the movie, I do change it up a bit, so don't be offended!

For any return readers from Kissing the Enemy, once again this is not the story I promised at the end of that fic. I should stop being so easily distracted, but I swear I'll post that one after this fic.