Tears (I'm yours)
It was a rainy night. Cold rain seemed to have turned into a wall of impenetrable fortress, that you know you could not get through. In deep autumn nights like these, anyone would say, because you would forget it was actually summer, you would never see a person walking through the icy rain: most of them were back home, living their lives, or watching the cold wall, feeling somewhat lonely and vulnerable. Those who did not make it home, stayed in train stations, but merely few, who did not have lives back home. They also watched the cold autumn(summer) wall, but their feeling of loneliness had more consistency than other people's. They knew what it was like to come back and feel the same cold wall at home...if they ever had one. In nights like these, there are only spirits walking.
-x-
A sound of wood tapping into concrete pierced deafeningly loud, yet silent pour down of rain. It was an unusual sound, footsteps in the rain, and a freezing cold at that. Something short, yet darkly gold was tumbling around in the air, just above the sound of footsteps, and by looking closer, you would realize it is actually countless strands of light hair, soaked by the water from heavens, and by looking even more closely, one would see a shimmering glitter of paper-white skin, moving up and down in beat with the footsteps. One would slowly realize there is actually a human being running through the rain.
What would would not make out in the night, were the heavy breathing, betraying the fact that the person in question was running for a while now, or the numbness in the person's whole body, not able to feel the cold, or the heat from the tears, that were mixing with the pouring rain on the person's face.
And that least of things that no one could make out were the thoughts of the person that screamed: NO MORE!!!
The footsteps fell dead silent, when the sound of heavy rainfall was interrupted by the evenly loud sound of river slowing. The figure leaned on the wet iron rails of the bridge, and looked down at the water, which was not actually visible in the pitch black darkness, but you could hear it clearly amidst the rainstorm. The figure raised its head with darkly golden locks and stared at the sky, feeling the raindrops almost piercing the paper-white skin. The little piece of black clothing the figure was wearing merged with the darkness and the figure felt almost invisible. It closed its eyes, pitch black just like the world around it, and faced the sound of the river, a frown of sadness and determination edging out between the eyebrows.
It's all the same again...
-x-
A hot summer evening, and not even a slightest breath of wind...nothing moved, it almost seemed that the nature itself had gone to sleep. The pavement in the city seemed to be melting as you looked at it, and there was no way you could touch it: the heat would burn you like a flaming coal.
The deep and rapid river, cold as a glacier, seemed tempting. Danger arises temptation. Temptation leads to hell.
A particular girl...lady...girl was staring at the river very intensely, with deep determination, one would say, if they could only see anything in those pitch black eyes. And if you would look even closer, they would notice how strongly her teeth were clenched, and with how much frustration she was holding on to her little black dress. Her short golden locks were a bit glued on her forehead, sweat from the heat and tension keeping them together. She was nearly out of breath, and looking closer, you would see she was holding back bitter tears.
She sighed deeply and put her milky-white hand on the rail of the bridge, gracefully hopping to the other side. She leaned forward, her hands holding onto the rail. She looked at the flowing river, not able to see the bottom, and saw her own reflection, suddenly interrupted by a circle of ripples, which was taken away by the stream almost instantly.
No more...no more...
"Don't do it" a gentle voice, almost like a cool breeze, reached her ear. She tensed up, her eyes now spelling out every little feeling, and this time it was panic. She turned her head around slowly, trying to see the person, who said those words.
"Go away" she whispered, for the person, who was standing just behind her, was all too familiar.
"It's not worth it" he said, his same pitch black eyes, just full of life and a certain spice of playfulness, now watched the girl on the other side of the bridge with intense worry.
"What do you understand?"
"Enough to know you don't really want to do this" he took one step closer, carefully, like approaching a fearful, yet wounded gazelle, not wanting to scare her more.
"I do. I had enough" she had enough, she knew it. She was at her limit. She didn't want to bear with her life anymore. She just wanted all the pain and apathy to be taken away by the cold water.
"You don't want it. Right know, you are not the Anna I know" the young man, around the same age as the lady, took another step closer, red rays of the setting sun burning in his pitch black eyes "please, give me your hand" he reached out his gloved forearm, almost not breathing from the tension in the air.
"Go away. I don't need you. I don't need him. I don't need anyone" few tears formed circled on the surface of the river, flowing away instantly. She could be flowing away by now too...
"Of course you do. And more importantly, he needs you" the young man took another miniature step closer, also moving his bare fingers closer to the seemingly cool milky-white skin.
"I hurt him" she whispered. The young man sighed and closed his eyes for a bit.
"You will hurt him much more, if you do this. He loves you"
"No, he doesn't. I was chosen for him. I insisted on being chosen. I just never thought...never..."
"That you would actually love him" the young man smiled understandingly "this has a beautiful future. Just...give me your hand"
The girl turned around again, and for a few moments, they both stared at each other.
"Come on" the young man smiled encouragingly "come on". His voice turned into a soothing whisper. Slowly, Anna let go one of her arms and put it into his gentle palm. He helped her to climb back to the safe side.
She was staring down onto the pavement, somewhat unable to look up at those black eyes above her. She could feel him hugging her, and whispering soothing words to her ear, almost like an experienced horse rider soothes his scared and boiling mayer. Anna could not exactly feel his touch, or hear his words, but she instantly felt calmer.
"Don't tell him" she demanded, still standing in his warm embrace "don't tell your brother, Hao. Not a word"
"I promise" he whispered "let's go home now. You need to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day"
-x-
She did not remember how she got back home. Home? Home where? I want to go home. This thought was much more frequent when she was back in the house than anywhere else. She felt home more at the library, or coffee shop across the street than at that house.
She did not remember how she got back into the bed. Warm bed that hardly felt hers. Even in the middle of winter, when she would sometimes wake up from sleep, she would curl up on the floor, because the bed seemed like a waste under her fragile body.
She did not remember how she got her shoes and dress off. She did not really care. She would not wear a variety of clothing, because there was just no point: little black dress, small shoes and large red bandana...only things she would accept from the house that was not hers.
Red bandana was the only thing she actually owned. It was hers. It would protect her from cold during those nights on the floor, or from summer heat, when she wondered around the city when no one knew where she was. It would protect her...red bandana, that was once white, until it was soaked in the blood of people she once called family.
She did not remember how she fell asleep. It felt like actually falling into that river...cold waters of her subconscious memory. That was probably the main reason why she chose that bridge and that streamy river: it was all too familiar. She would feel like actually dying in her dreams, so she would not be afraid to actually do it. She left her bandana at the house that day...
She would not need protection while dying...
No more!
-x-
It felt warm...too warm and cozy for her to like. What is it about mornings that they feel so brand new and appealing? Especially when you were supposed to be flowing through the cold already...cold unappealing death was what she actually wanted, but she was stuck in this freakishly perfect reality that tortured her with things she did not need or deserve...
No more...
Reality struck her with pain, when she felt a strong scent of coffee. Coffee...she did not really like it. But she still drank it. Just because she liked the effect...every bitter sip reminded her how bitter the life really was in the cozy morning. No sugar, no milk...no sweetness and purity in life.
She sat up in her bed...on the nightstand there was a cup...simple white one, with brownish black liquid inside. The red numbers on the clock showed 10 am. That's really late by her standards. To wake up this late she, means she missed her early morning walk, the coffee at the coffee shop and feeding the birds in the nearby lake park.
That was probably one of the reasons this cup was on her nightstand and she did not even know who put it there. Must have happened recently, because the liquid was still steaming.
She slid out of the bed, with her white nightgown on...how did it get on her she did not know. And for what its worth, she did not care. Much...
Her stomach growled, and her tongue desperately called for the sense of bitter coffee, but she ignored it and went to the window. It was opened, although she could swear she left it closed yesterday, before leaving to...
It did not matter now. She was not strong enough to do it. More importantly, she let herself be persuaded by that man. Why? She did not know. Probably because she was not strong enough to do it herself...from the inside. A mere thought of being too tied to such a life was suffocating. She leaned on the window sill, but could not take the stuffiness in her lungs away...damp, life less summer air seemed to make it worse. She hated summer.
Soft tap on the door annoyed more than anything else in the world. She frowned. She was not ready to talk to anyone. Not yet at least. The tap repeated, this time three knocks instead of two. There was only one person who knocked that way.
She walked away from the window and opened the door. A smile greeted her.
Annoying.....
"Morning" cheerful voice of a young man drilled her ear drums like needless. She looked at him with remorse: sweet smile, sweetly chocolate hair, sweet black eyes...he just reeked of joy.
"What?"
Really, what? Go away!
"Aw, was the coffee bad?" the young man's face changed...this time into cutely disappointed one...almost like a puppy.
"No" she clenched her fists, fighting back the wish to slap him.
She did not hate the person in front of her. She just felt indiscreetly annoyed by him. Probably because he reminded her of what she was not: kind, loving, enjoying what was in front of him. All the things she could not achieve no matter how hard she tried...
And a mere thought of having to live with this person for the rest of her life started to slowly drive her mad. It was one of the reasons why the peacefulness of flowing water seemed so tempting to her. She did not want to be reminded of how miserable she was every day.
"You slept in. Are you alright?" his genuine worry seemed so pathetic to her. To her eyes, he did not realize how deep she was drowning already.
"I'm fine. Go away" and she banged the door closed in front of his face.
Just disappear. I could not do it.
-x-
That day was not a better day, like Hao had predicted. Or any day after that. She could not remember how long she stayed in her room. She just could not leave. She was so...disgusted with life and herself...of her inability to finish it all...her lack of strength and will.
And she knew she should have done it every time she looked into her fiance's eyes: by refusing to leave the room without any explanation hurt him just as much as any other thing she pulled. He was worried about her and she refused to accept it, or acknowledge it. She kept banging the door shut in front of his face, like he was just another and annoying human being, maybe like a sales agent, who Anna hated the most with her entire existence. At least she tried to convince herself this was how she felt about him and she almost succeeded.
That is, until one evening, when she was standing in front of her window, looking out into the garden, smelling the sweet scent of summer flowers, and a certain soothing voice again talked to her out of nowhere.
"You're moping" Hao was just to the right of her window, but standing a bit further away, so she could not see him.
"And you are being an eavesdropper"
"Good to see that you at least got your bitting, arrogant self back" he smirked, without moving "means you are more or less ok"
"Go away" Anna wanted to slid the window down, but Hao's strong hand caught it midway and lift it up, like Anna's pressure on it meant nothing.
"No" Hao smirked.
She hated that smirk. She could not draw a distinct line between what she hated more: his attributes or his entire person. To her, he was a selfish womanizer, with no common sense and not a slightest thread of remorse. If it was her will, he would not be living with her and Yoh, even though he's her future brother-in-law. He was bringing too much mess and destruction in the house. Even now. He was destroying her, bit by bit, word by word, look by look. Perhaps because he was the embodiment of everything she resented in life. And now, he was the one who became stronger than her...someone she relied on, and she hated herself for it.
"You've been in this room for a week. Come out and smell some summer pheromones"
"Are you insane? Get out" Anna's voice was cold. You could feel the area around the window and the two people becoming a few degrees colder. They stared at each other for a while, and it felt like hours passed.
Summer wind seemed to have awaken again, swiftly catching the long, chocolate brown hair of the young man, who was still holding the window up.
Why is it always so alive with him?
Anna let go of the window and turned around. Hao looked at her fragile back for a while, covered with a white nightgown and illuminated by the moon.
Why is it always so alive with her?
"I won't thank you" she whispered, but her word cut like a blade through the concrete. Freezing chill went out from the depths of her hear, and he could feel it. He knew already...she sincerely wished to die.
"I know" he leaned onto the window and continued staring at her thin figure.
"I wanted to do it. I still do"
"I know"
"Then why did you stop me?!!" she turned around, her eyes neither filled with tears, nor with anger: they were almost soulless tunnels, but behind all that, Hao could see she felt torn apart. And she probably was.
"Because" he pushed the window up and hopped inside. He was towering her now, his physique strong and powerful, one would usually feel small and incompetent. Maybe Anna was just so used to him that she did not feel like that...or maybe she was so used of not feeling at all...
Truth to be told, the were only three varieties of feeling she had lately: anger, annoyance, and when she was alone – a death wish. Wish to just get it over with. Because everything just wore her out so much she did not want to bear it anymore: promises with Yoh, his gentleness, his love, his kindness...and him, the man before her, his malice, his love for life, his softness...both brothers, although so different, made her feel miserable. They were everything she was not, and there was no way of escaping it.
"Because you are important. To my brother. And at the same time to me, because we are of the same drop of blood"
"Let me go, please" Anna felt her knees trembling, almost like she could kneel down in front of him and beg him to kill her. To put her out of her misery.
"I won't" he put his firm, yet gentle hand on her face "I love you"
Only summer wind was singing softly now.
Yoh told her this before. And she did not believe him. In fact, he has been telling her this for many years in a lot of different ways, but she would just wave them aside, thinking it was his duty that was calling. Although somewhere deep inside she felt it was true. And the more she brought herself to believe it, the more aggravated and desperate she felt: she did not deserve his love.
It was much stranger to hear it from his brother though. From him, who she nurtured after he came home drunk, or hid his one-night-stand girls from Yoh, so he would not feel disappointed by his own brother. Words like those, coming from him felt eerie and hollow. However, at the same time, and for her own disgust and disgrace, she realized much faster that they were true. And it put her into more misery. Even the shallow she thought it was, coming from him, seemed too much to handle.
I have honestly forgotten, what it is like to live without reason.
"How do you want me to react?" she almost spat out "are those words even real?"
"Well, for one, leap into my arms" Hao smirked "and for the second...they are true. I just pity you were not promised to me"
She slapped him.
Hao could swear she brought out a few drops of blood inside his mouth. She was strong. Physically at least. He felt enormous fragility underneath that dead-cold exterior, and he wanted to help her. For a very long time now, he wished to save her, although he knew that his brother probably is better at that than him...much better. And although he probably understood her better than he did...Hao knew what was tormenting her...he knew all about her sleepless nights on the floor, her nightmares about her past and her hours of wandering around the city, no matter the weather. He knew all about her suffering, and he knew it probably was not him who could actually save her. He was too distorted by the life itself, and she was as pure as a drop of mountain stream water. He did not know what made him say it out loud, but he did, and the pain in his cheek reminded him that it perhaps was the wrong time. If there was ever supposed to be a time for it.
He genuinely wanted to watch his brother getting married with this girl...this woman...and be happy, and perhaps, by trying his hardest, to make her happy as well. And he would just carry on drowning himself in alcohol and women...or rather in his own misery and solitude.
"Bastard" she whispered, like a cat, ready to fight. Hao smirked again.
"Perhaps I am. But I also know what you need" he looked at her with firm and strict look "you need someone to understand that you are lost in love you cannot handle. After that, you need someone, who could show you the way to accept it" he sighed "by brother can give you both, if you give him a chance"
"You think I need your pity?" she frowned, her eyes piercing his like cold icicles.
"This is not pity. This is my love for you" he leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead "you are one in a million. Do not leave this world, when you just started making it a better place"
"I'm not-"
He pressed his lips against her.
He felt light as rain, when he felt her lips underneath his, so soft and fragile, the very way he had imagined it for so long. He wanted to make her happy so much. But at the same time, he was not sure whether he would not hurt her with his own presence. She was a delicate flower, needing nurture and gentle care. He was not used to this. But at the moment of the kiss, he felt like his entire existence was mean just for this and nothing else...like he lived only for her and to relieve her pain. He felt like he was flying and there was no limit to the sky.
The moment their lips broke, the reality kicked in and he felt just as unsuitable for her as before, only now he felt the heaviness of guilt towards her and his brother. He noticed a pure anger in her eyes now, and he expected to be bombarded with slaps and kicks any time now, and he also knew he would not resist, for he had just earned it.
It was surprisingly interesting to watch the range of emotions in her eyes: anger changed into hate, hate into despair, and despair into...submission? Yes, submission was what he saw in her, he was sure of it.
He had met his fair share of girls, perhaps to last anyone a lifetime. He worked out a certain theory of what girls want: safety, gentleness and sex. Since safety is only provided by men, who actually date girls for longer than one night, Hao figured it is better to mess around with married or engaged-in-an-form women, cause the only thing they really require is sex. Safety they get from their husbands/boyfriends/fiancees, and a shitload of gentleness that they gradually get sick of. That is when they come to a bit screwed up guys like him, to have some casual, secret, naughty sex. And this, in one way or another, applied to most(all) of women.
Even her.
Anna had enough gentleness from Yoh, just like enough safety. But being observant as he was, she certainly did not get the third element from him.
Yet something was off in that suddenly born passion in her eyes. It also happened before in front of his eyes, but certainly not on the same level.
It hurt her.
One thing he could not figure out though. Did it hurt the thought of cheating on her fiancee; did it hurt because she thought of cheating with her future brother-in-law...or did the idea itself hurt.
It was the third option.
He knew her. Knew more than she could imagine, and more than he should have let himself to know. She wanted to commit suicide because of the way she treated everybody she loved. She wanted to do it because she did not care enough. She was devastated because she did not care enough. Because in reality she did not feel anything for anyone. Her everyday routines of walking, drinking ridiculous amounts of coffee, sitting in the library most of her precious time was a smokescreen to cover the despair she felt...just things to fill her time, to remind her with bitterness that she is still alive, because she was so numb.
He knew all that.
And when he took her by her delicate waist, carried her to bed, ripping the nightgown off her, and when he went inside her, and listened to her grunting and moaning with pleasure, and tasted her salty tears when he kissed her face, and even when he came inside her, and she almost screamed with orgasm, he knew that she will regret this as soon as it will be over, but at least now...now he was tied to her with their dirty little secret, and this way...he could save her.
He loved her too much.
-x-
She could literally feel guilt crawling underneath her skin, when she curled up on the floor, hiding her naked body under the red bandana. She could feel hot tears rolling down from her eyes, and almost inaudibly falling on the wooden floor. She felt nothing else. It was like nothingness she was sucked in, and she could no longer escape.
He defiled her. And she had the nerve...enough indecency to get involved. It got even worse, when she realized she enjoyed it more than she should have. She was no longer sure she would not come back for more. And she hated herself for that even more. She had no way of facing Yoh this way. She could not. It would be just too cruel.
She sobbed.
A muted little sob came out of her mouth, as she covered her face with hands and cried into her palm. She cried herself to sleep on the floor, under her red bandana, drifting off to the cold, black dreams of her own death, wishing at the corner of her frozen heart that they were true.
-x-
Two weeks later...
"Anna! We're gonna be late!" Yoh's voice echoed throughout the house. Anna clenched her fist, gulping down a yell. It was that time of the week for Yoh to have dinner at his best friend Manta's place, and although Anna resented the idea itself, Manta's food was marginally less horrible than Yoh's.
"Go ahead! I'll catch up with you!" Anna's voice echoed with force, since she was in the bathroom, staring down onto thin red line on the pregnancy tester that was not supposed to be there.
She heard the front door slamming shut, and she sighed with trembling gulp of air. Five more minutes of staring at the positive test did not change the reality. And she could have thought of something...something more bearable, that did not require much explanation and suspicion, but Hao had to open the door at that exact second, and had to see her holding the tester, and had to realize what her look meant in that one instant. They stared at each other with blank looks, Anna looking emotionless, and Hao earnest.
"What now?" he asked. She sighed and looked down at the tester again. Thin red line, although barely visible, pierced her eye like a brightest light. Few tears dropped down on the thin red line, holding there for a split second, finding its way to the tile floor. A wave of tears followed after that, but Anna's look stayed cold, solid as a rock.
"Nothing" she spat out and broke tester in half and slammed it against the wall. It shattered into peaces "nothing! You don't have to do anything! In fact, why don't you start now, you're good at that!"
"Anna" Hao almost whispered.
"Get out of here! You've done enough! I hate you!"
"Anna" Hao's voice fell even more silent, but the three words felt like a jab on knife right into his heart. By the time Anna spoke them, he already wanted to rip his chest open and take the damn, pupping thing out.
"Get out!" she looked at him like a wounded, scared, yet dangerously carnivorous animal you did not want to approach.
"I wanna marry you" Hao blurted out. Only after he said it did he realize his mistake. Anna stared at him blankly, then...a small ironic laughter left her lips. It hurt even more than the three words before.
"Since when?"
"Since I first saw you" Hao thought if he started with total honesty, might as well carry it out till the bitter end "now...you are carrying my...our child. I wanna marry you. I love you"
"You idiot! Who would wanna marry you?! You're..." Anna looked for words to correctly describe the animosity she felt towards him, but something changed.
She was not aware of it yet, but the pain in her chest she had been feeling constantly suddenly became somewhat different. It was no longer sharp and burning, the kind you could ignore if you really wanted with everyday routines and works, but the one that you could not bare: it was more like a nagging, earning to go for something, just that she did not know what she was supposed to go for.
The small window near the ceiling emitted less and less light, until it was dark in the bathroom, and only the slight light from the corridor illuminated the two people staring at each other.
"What is your answer?" Hao whispered, as if afraid to shatter the fragile connection between them. Anna blinked at him, tears still falling from her eyes. Why was she crying?
"Get out"
She walked past him. She wanted nothing to do with this. Now she knew what that new kind of pain was in her chest. The time finally came.
The rain started to pour down out of the blue, and the night came sooner than it should have. Anna took off the red bandana from her neck and put it carefully on the bed.
It was time.
-x-
He watched her leave the house, and he knew where she was going. This time...he was not sure he could save her.
-x-
A sound of wood tapping into concrete pierced deafeningly loud, yet silent pour down of rain. It was an unusual sound, footsteps in the rain, and a freezing cold at that. Something short, yet darkly gold was tumbling around in the air, just above the sound of footsteps, and by looking closer, you would realize it is actually countless strands of light hair, soaked by the water from heavens, and by looking even more closely, one would see a shimmering glitter of paper-white skin, moving up and down in beat with the footsteps. One would slowly realize there is actually a human being running through the rain.
What would would not make out in the night, were the heavy breathing, betraying the fact that the person in question was running for a while now, or the numbness in the person's whole body, not able to feel the cold, or the heat from the tears, that were mixing with the pouring rain on the person's face.
And that least of things that no one could make out were the thoughts of the person that screamed: NO MORE!!!
The footsteps fell dead silent, when the sound of heavy rainfall was interrupted by the evenly loud sound of river slowing. The figure leaned on the wet iron rails of the bridge, and looked down at the water, which was not actually visible in the pitch black darkness, but you could hear it clearly amidst the rainstorm. The figure raised its head with darkly golden locks and stared at the sky, feeling the raindrops almost piercing the paper-white skin. The little piece of black clothing the figure was wearing merged with the darkness and the figure felt almost invisible. It closed its eyes, pitch black just like the world around it, and faced the sound of the river, a frown of sadness and determination edging out between the eyebrows.
But at the second its eyes opened, it put its hand on the lower abdomen and pressed in hard. No one could say there is another it there. Another life, standing in the cold rain. The figure stood there for another minute...or maybe hour, who knows how time flies in the rain like this. The figure started weeping, almost screaming with pain, agony, despair...everything you can put into the word of cry. The figure stood there, crying loud, until another figure came and merged with the dark shadow of the first, and the loud cry subsided.
I have to live on...
-x-
Anna came back late that night, and slid straight into Yoh's room.
"Anna?" he jumped up in his bed immediately and ran towards her "where have you been, I was so worried, and what happened? You're all wet, let me-" he wanted to get a towel from the nearby closet, but did not get a chance: Anna leaned forward and kissed him. She could feel him tensing up, but relaxing slowly after she started running her hands through his body and pushing him back, towards the bed.
"Anna, what are you-"
"We're gonna get married anyway, right?" she whispered as they fell on the bed, her on top "I want something before that" she unbuttoned his shirt and showered his fit chest and abdomen with soft kisses.
"I want to be connected to you" she whispered as she returned to his lips. He looked at her for a split second, and kissed her back, moving the skirt of her dress slowly upwards.
Forgive me!
-x-
Hao was standing outside his brother's room, listening to soft moans and grunts. His face was riddled with smirk...his trademark smirk he would never stop wearing. Mostly because he did not know how else to deal with pain he was in, just to keep smiling. It worked so far, but he was not sure how he will handle his dream woman getting married to another person he loved the most. Perhaps this endless love to them both, although in the different way, was what kept him from barging in there, and claiming what he felt was his.
I can't marry you. But I will always be yours.
This line was what kept him from destroying what was being built inside that room. It was her who said it. Perhaps because he now knew she loved him in return, he could let her go for the better. He knew this is for the better.
He walked down the hallway, back to his room and opened a bottle of whisky. A single, very small, but yet, a tear, slid down his cheek when he gulped his first sip.
I am yours.
He was playing with a small knife he kept on the key chain. The very same smirk felt glued to his face, as the thin, red stream flowed through the wood of the floor.
Sun was never as red before than that morning.
