Chapter 1
As far as Brooke Meriwheather can remember, she has never in her whole 24 years of life suffered from Depression, nor has she ever had a family history of it. She has had some down times just like everyone else has. She can't say she's immune to sadness, she's not inhuman after all. But what she is experiencing now?
This is not just a normal sadness. This is something completely different a completely different animal. It is a deep despair like nothing she has ever experienced. It didn't come on gradually either it came on very sudden like a pile of heavy bricks pounding her over the head. Literally one day she was fine and the next day, boom! And after that it never stopped being like that. The days just kept dragging by but it felt like she was going nowhere.
It started around the holiday season maybe a little bit after Thanksgiving so she thought it was probably just the holiday blues which is a bit weird in of it's self because usually she does not get holiday blues
When the holiday season ended, she figured it must be nothing more than end of the holiday blues which was never like her either and she realized that was actually kind of a stupid thing to think because it obviously started before the holiday season, but she figured she had to put some kind of a name to it.
As the days progressed and days became weeks and weeks became months she sunk deeper and deeper into a hole and that sealed it, it couldn't possibly be holiday blues or after holiday blues.
It is April now and it's just as bad if not worse. Worse yet is the fact that she has no idea what's caused it. She knows it's mean to think this but she doesn't have anything to be sad about, she knows it sounds mean but it's true she really doesn't have anything to be sad about, she has good friends a boyfriend who she's been with for two years and a job that suits her really well. Nothing particularly bad has happened to her leading up to it.
She supposes there a lot of people who suffer from Depression who have all of those things and are still depressed. Just one gigantic problem. She is not one of those people. She doesn't suffer from depression if she did have a history she wouldn't be so hard on herself, but since she doesn't she's disgusted with herself.
Her boyfriend Hank who she have just moved in with over the summer and her are watching the TV when an add comes on. It is for an anti depressant called Trintilex, until now she hasn't really been paying much attention to anti depressant TV ads she is so naive about anti depressants that she is not sure if it is an old drug or a new drug. She really has no reason to be paying any kind of attention to anti depressants, why should she if depression has never been a problem for her? What else should they be if not completely off her radar? And now that she has sudden Depression she's been trying to just ignore it and go on about her every day life, maybe that way if she pretends it's not there and if she doesn't make a big deal of it, it will go away on it's own. Obviously that doesn't work and obviously it hasn't been working. The commercial is really intriguing.
Mesmorizing in fact. It shows people going around with a jumble of different colored scribbles above their head which is supposed to represent a tangled mess of thoughts. You can not have straight thoughts when you are depressed, when you are depressed you're thinking is constantly a jumbled colorful mess of scribbles. It speaks to her. It totally speaks to her, since late November she hasn't been able to think a straight thought not only that but she have also been feeling dizzy, foggy and lightheaded she doesn't know if that's a symptom to depression or if there is something else going on. She hasn't really been so interested in anything since then it is the first time in a long time she has been so intrigued by anything. As the commercial continues the tangled mess becomes less and less tangled until all that appears over the spokes person's head is a straight blue line and it continues to intrigue her. "oh my god" She suddenly finds herself saying, "I got to have that drug" Hank suddenly turns down the volume and stares at her. "What's the matter?" He asks legit surprised. Astonished. It becomes very clear to Brooke that she has been doing a really really good job of faking that nothing is wrong enough that she would possibly resort to drugs, (she has never taken any perscription drugs before in her life unless of course you count Roofilin)
"Huh?" She asks. "That's an anti depressant" He says, "Why would you want something like that? What's wrong?" Maybe part of it is that she's been putting on a really good show, but maybe another big part of it is that Hank just doesn't get it, because he's a guy and a pretty socially inept guy at that.
Her eyes start to fill with tears. "Because I'm really depressed snu'uh" she find myself saying. They are silent for a while "Are you all right? He asks after a while. Obviously she's not all right obviously she's really depressed. Isn't that what she just said? Sometimes he just really doesn't know how to person in certain situations and this is clearly one of them.
Brooke's eyes fill with tears which soon start rolling delicately down her cheeks. She suddenly starts sobbing really really hard. Bawling. Wailing it is the first time she has allowed herself to have a really good cry in front of another person. The only time she can allow myself to cry is when she's completely alone which is very rare since she hardly ever gets any time to herself. This is definitely not the same as sobbing quietly into her pillow which she does every night. It is not that she is robbed of tears or anything, she obviously has enough tears to literally soak her pillow every night which makes her cry more because sleeping on a wet pillow is so damn uncomfortable. But she does not ever get the pleasure of sobbing and wailing loudly which is what she's been really needing to do. She can't. Not when other people are around. People think she is happy and she is always around people.
For some reason ever since she started to become depressed she has started to become more social then usual, she thinks it is mostly a way to cover up the fact that she is depressed. A lot of people isolate when they're depressed Brooke does exactly the opposite, she always tries to do stuff with friends, always goes to parties and concerts even if it exhausts her. She realizes that she is quite a bit less talkative then usual and that maybe people don't notice that because she's never been very talkative. She has always been a person of very few words and now a person of even fewer words. She has gone from being a person of few words to just plain mute really.
She thinks the big reason for this is because her identical twin sister Paige has always done all the talking for the two of them from day one well since Paige learned to talk any way, and that meant Brooke never really got a chance to speak up. Paige never shuts up, she always has something to say. her mouth is basically moving 24:7. Brooke is almost positive that if she ever fell into a state of depression she'd get even more talkative, although she's not sure why she thinks that, maybe it is because she is as talkative as Brooke is un talkative. They are polar opposites that way.
Brooke never has much to say but now she has even less to say. Whenever they get together Paige would answer for both of them. If someone asked her how she was doing it would always be Paige who would jump in and answer for her, while Brooke would shyly just nod along. At restaurants Paige would order for her even if it was something Brooke didn't even want. She's calmed down a lot since then mostly that was just something she's done when they were kids. (At least that thing she's done at the restaurant) their mom has always said she just couldn't help herself it was a dominance thing. Paige is 3 minutes older then Brooke and for some reason she thinks that gives her license to behave like she is 3 years older then her, another one of her favorite passed times is bossing her around. They have a system. Paige tells Brooke what to do and Brooke does it, it's the only way they can get along. It's worked for 24 years. Paige is basically more mature then Brooke in most ways and why shouldn't she be she is three minutes older, she has been on the planet three minutes longer which makes her three minutes wiser.
There is one thing that Brooke can most definitely brag about however and that is the fact that she is and has always been the more sexually mature of the two. She was the first one to lose her virginity (Paige still hasn't lost her's as far as Brooke knows. Brooke on the other has always had a reputation for sleeping around with people) She has had more boyfriends more than she can count, Paige has had maybe 2 and they didn't work out for more than one date. Brooke is also way better at flirting, Paige couldn't flirt if she tried. Brooke also has a steady boyfriend which Paige has never had of course. The thing about flirting is she doesn't have to be especially talkative to do it. She can use my lips for other purposes. She always has and it's gotten her lot's of places
Also Brooke can brag about the fact that she is a magipath and Paige is not. She has the power to feel peoples Auras, she has even made a business out of it, which has been pretty damn successful she has even come up with a cute little code name for myself which is B'Dazzle. Lately however whenever she tries to feel people's Auras it isn't as sharp as it used to be, a lot of times all she get is static and she has to concentrate really hard even though it used to be something that just came naturally to her. Some days she get's absolutely nothing whatsoever. On days like that she suffers from extreme headaches causing her to see over whelming bright lights in front of her vision. Prior to those couple of days before late November she used to especially love feeling the Auras of young children, she as a matter a fact majored in early child care and had worked as an Au Pair for many years (Which is also something she can most certainly brag about, Paige has always been terrible with children) but lately kids are just irksome and disgusting to her with their shrill voices and sticky fingers, runny noses and annoying tantrums. For a while she couldn't wait to have kids of her own but now the idea nauseates her. She supposes she should mention that another thing that came naturally to her is sex.
She used to be hypersexual so it was/is more then just a little bit shocking that she has become completely asexual in her state of depression. It's a scary feeling. She's been asking for sex every night, not just asking going out of my way to beg for it, but sex is painful, not only is it uncomfortable it literally hurts. Maybe she really is putting on a good show. Maybe the best god damn show ever. For all she knows maybe Hank thinks that she's even more hypersexual then usual because that is the way she has been presenting herself. She wishes that were true.
She gives him a shove. "No you dweeb" she says through deep chested sobs. "No I'm not all right. I just said I was depressed didn't I?" Silence once again silence. Crickets. "Oh uh right" He says. He's not good at this. "What's the matter?" He asks stroking his hands through one of her twisted pigtails. And god was she ever dreading that question. How is she supposed to answer it? What is I supposed to say? She knows about as much as he does which is absolutely nothing. "I don't know" She says, "I would say I have clinical depression but I don't no one in my family does"
"You don't have it?" He asks. "I've Never had it before" she says, "Not until these last 6 months" "It's been that long?" He asks. She nods as she lets the tears run down her cheeks. "But this drug, this drug looks like it's a miricle drug that commercial really speaks to me Hank. I totally feel like all my thoughts are jumbled together, I can't keep a straight thought anymore. Could we try it please please please?" "You'd probably have to speak with a psychiatrist." He says. Oh god no. she thinks to herself. The idea of talking to a psychiatrist just kills her absolutely kills her. As far as Brooke knows psychiatrists are for crazy people. But maybe she is crazy. Maybe it's crazy of her to think that she would rather not take the drug at all then have to see a psychiatrist. no she tells myself, she can not stand to suffer another second of this, she deserves much better.
"Is there a way I could take the perscription without seeing a psychiatrist?" she asks.
"No" Hank says, "But you know what Brooke if you've been depressed for so long you need to talk to someone anyway."
"You mean like a head doctor?" she asks. "That really might not be a bad idea" He says. "I just really want my life back" she wails and bursts into fresh shrill tears.
"I've been just pretending to be happy I've been pretending that nothings wrong and I hate it. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of everything. Everything's wrong, everything sucks. But what else could I have done? I felt I needed to pretend"
"Why did you feel you needed to pretend?" Hank asks. She feels so bad for putting him into this awkward situation. He just seems so stiff and maybe. Maybe like he can't deal with her in this situation, and maybe that is why she has to pretend that she is happy, "It's stupid" She cries tossing a couch pillow across the floor. It's so stupid, it's so god damn fucking stupid."
Now her tears of sadness have transformed themselves into tears of rage. "I thought if I ignored it, it would magically disappear on it's own. I thought if I acted happy if I pretended to be happy then maybe I would be, I really thought I could talk myself out of it, I thought if I wrote stupid notes to myself every day that said have a good day, how was it possible not to have a good day?" That had been something she had been doing. She had even gone so far as to write it in perminant marker on the little hand mirror she kept in the drawer every day. Hank still doesn't know what to say. Eventually she is all cried out. Maybe she has cried out all my tears who knows eventually she is just all dried up. They sit on the couch in silence. Usually Hank does all the talking in their relationship usually he is a real chatty Cathy, it has been that way for the whole two years they knew each other but it seems especially true these days, maybe he has been noticing that she is mute these days but he doesn't connect that to the depression or whatever this nonsense is
"So It's been going on for 6 months now?" He asks. She nods vigorously. "Yeah it happened a couple days after Thanksgiving, maybe like December 3rd" "What happened?" He asks "What?"
"On the Third of December what happened? I mean something must have happened."
"No No No No No No NO!" she snaps,"Have you not been listening to a single word I said? Nothing happened. Nothing god damnit. Not a god damn thing" "I don't understand why you're yelling" He says, he too is starting to raise his voice "I'm just trying to help you. You're trying to figure out why you're depressed right?" "Why did something have to happen? Isn't it possible that I'm sad for no reason? Why can't you just think I'm depressed because I have depression?"
"Um maybe because you said you didn't" He says "I did not say that" she says adimentally folding my arms across my chest. "Yes you did, you said you didn't suffer from clinical depression and neither did your family you said that earlier. Brooke are you okay?" "Yeah why wouldn't I be?" she asks, "Because you didn't remember something you just said like a couple seconds ago" He says. She blinks a couple times. "Oh my god" She says. Just like that the tears are back. Full blown tears. So much for thinking that she was all dried up that is most certainly not the case. She is sobbing deep chestedly
They are silent again after a long while. They just watch the news. She's not even really paying attention to going on. The President is up to something or other. Boring. Everything is just boring. Politics are boring. Reading Aura's is boring, Hank is boring, her friends are boring. There was only one thing she finds interesting and that is Trintilex. She hopes to see the commercial again but there is no such luck. Finally Hank breaks the silence he grabs on gently to her hand. "Are you going to be all right babe?" He asks. "I have no clue" She says. "What do you mean you have no clue?" "I don't know" She is angry again filled with rage.
"Maybe I mean I have no clue as in every day I think I'm going to get better but it never happens, it's been six months" She wonders if he's ever seen the hand mirror in their top drawer. If he has. So what? It probably means absolutely nothing to him. Writing have a good day in perminent marker on a hand mirror could mean absolutely anything maybe he just thought she was being weird maybe just a bit quirky. "I think this looks like the best anti depressant in the world" "Maybe you should start with something milder like maybe prozac" He suggests, he figures that if she hasn't ever had depression before then this has got to be her first anti depressant. She is absolutely disgusted by that idea. She gives him a long hard scowl. She doesn't want to start with something milder she is completely sold on the idea of Trintilex with it's spell binding commercial. Then she realizes something. Maybe one anti depressant wouldn't be enough maybe she needs more maybe she needs all the anti depressants in the world. "Well maybe I should take both, the highest dosage of both" She says.
"I wouldn't" Hank says. He knows quite a bit more about depression and about anti depressants then he does. He has a great uncle who suffers from Clinical Depression who has had some pretty bad experiences with taking multiple anti depressants just with anti depressants in general for that matter. As it turned out for him more was actually less also the drugs did not work because he was taking so many they canceled each other out. "Why not?" She asks folding her arms across her chest. "I'm so sad I haven't been thinking clearly I want my life back I'm tired of it. I'm just so tired of all of it."
"Because Brooke" Hank says, "If you haven't taken an anti depressant before and start with more then one it could be really dangerous" "What do you know about that?" she asks folding her arms across her chest. "A lot actually" He explains. "My great uncle has Clinical Depression. He takes about maybe five different anti depressants" "He must be like the happiest man alive" She says seeming very much awe struck, obviously the conversation has gone right over her head. "Obviously not" Hank says. "How could he not be?" She asks, "He has five different anti depressants" "Yeah well that's really not how it works" Hank says. "It's much better to just stick with one. After he tapered off his pills and the doctor took off one at a time he started to see a huge difference in his mood. Also there's this thing called the black box warning" "The black box warning what are you talking about?" She asks. "A lot of anti depressants even the really mild ones like prozac have suicidal thoughts and worsening of depression listed as one of the side effects especially for people under 25 you're 24 god damnit that most definitely applies to you." This makes no sense to Brooke. None of it. Aren't anti depressants supposed to help with depression? Aren't they supposed to make a person feel better? Why on earth would they cause a person to feel worse? She wonders. "What are you talking about that's absurd" she protests He shrugs. "Well yeah yes it is" He says, "But it's true. And I think the chances of that might be even worse if you were to take more then one at a time does that make sense?" It really doesn't nothing about that concept makes a lick of sense to her.
"Okay fine" She agrees "So less is more, well then if I have to pick one I'm going to go with Trintilex" Hank doesn't want to argue with her. Usually she is not argumentive. Usually she is very mild mannered and has never been one to pick fights but now it seems like that is what she is doing. "All right fine" He says, "But you should probably start on a low dosage" She doesn't want to hear what he thinks, if anyone should be telling her how much to take it should be a psychiatrist, but if she had her way she would want to be the one to decide how much she took and she wanted to take the highest ammount possible. But obviously it wasn't up to her. "You going to bed?" Hank asked, "I can't sleep I'm not tired" She hadn't been able to sleep for the last six months. She was always tired but never sleepy tired. Irritible tired. Tired of life tired. "Would you like something for sleep? Some Halcion maybe" She asks. He has suffered from insomnia his whole life and can't sleep without it. "Sure" She says. "I'd like that. I'd really like that" He goes upstairs and get's her one of his pills. He hopes one isn't too much for her. He knows that she has never taken perscription medications before and also has a really tiny frame. She is petite. One might be one two many. He shrugs it off. She'll probably be fine if anything she'll just get a really good night of sleep.
"Here you are" He says handing her an oval blue pill and a tall glass of water. She pops the pill into an her mouth and washes it down with the water. "Well I'm going to bed" Hank says, "You should probably too" "In a little bit she says" She flips open her lap top and types in the word Trintelex. As she is scrolling down something especially interesting catches her eye. Reviews from customers. She reads the first review
I used to be really pessimistic a real downer, but since I started taking Trintelex I am a completely new person I am now optimistic about everything and cheerful all the time.
The reviewer gave the product five stars. That would have been enough to sell her but she can't get her eyes off the screen. This is fascinating to her. another person writes about how their mother died and how the drug helped them deal with it. Brooke wishes she had a good reason like that to be depressed. She does not by any means wish her mother was dead, she just wishes she had some sort of reason or something even resembeling a reason anything at all would be fine she scrolls down at some of the other posts one person was depressed because their favorite TV program was over another person because they were criticized at work another person because they didn't have a crush on a fictional character anymore those were all very stupid reasons but they were reason's none the less. She tries to think back to when it all started but as always she can't find anything.
Maybe something had happened further back. She thought about Thanksgiving. Paige had come from the big city of San Fransisco to visit the relitively small town of East Lansing Michigan. Paige had always, always talked about moving out of the state to some big city ever since she was a little girl. She has always hated East Lansing with a passion and has always wanted to get the furthest away from there as possible.
Brooke of course was always the opposite. To her East Lansing was just perfect. All her friends were in East Lansing all of her favorite shops, restaurants and hangouts were in East Lansing, It was her home and that was where she wanted to stay, she had never been super interested in expanding her small horizon and why should she have been it was perfect how it was. Paige of course was a different story. Paige was never happy where she was and as far as Brooke is concerned she's still not happy where she is although she did accomplish her life long goal of moving exactly 2,367 miles and 3,809 Kilometers from home. Although it is a long distance it's not long enough for her. If she really wanted to she could have moved to Alaska or Hawaii or maybe even another country if she wanted. Still she had always come out to visit the family for Thanksgiving because she really has no one else to spend it with sadly enough .
It is always the Thanksgiving Holiday never Christmas. She always buys a plain ticket, she can afford it she makes a lot of money off of what she does working as a sales representive for Mary Kay beauty supply. During the Christmas season Paige is always completely swamped with work which is why she never comes out, usually that is the time when she is going on tour with her business. Paige had left on the 2nd of December. Was Brooke missing Paige? That couldn't be. Paige came and left every year and if anything Brooke had always been relieved to see her go. The whole family was. The rule about fish and visitors always applied to Paige and this year was no exception. At the dinner which was held at their parents house she was exceptionally bossy. She was always bossy of course but Thanksgiving always brought out the worst in her. It is a known fact that Thanksgiving always brings out the worst behavior in people and that was definitely true for Paige. "Brooke good lord that's way too big a portion" She had said when Brooke took too big of a portion or what Paige thought was too big of a portion of her all time favorite side dish baked spinach with Guyere.
"Put like half of that back their are seven other people here who want to eat too you know Do you think you could do that?" That year Brooke's family and Hank's family had gotten together for Thanksgiving "Sure" Brooke said meekly, her flaws were also a lot worse on Thanksgiving she was even more of a doormat on that holiday if that was at all possible. Paige probably wouldn't boss her around so much if she hasn't been making it so god damn easy for her she is so easy to boss around but Brooke can't help it. She is a pushover and the idea of standing up to Paige is scary to her.
Brooke did as she was told and put half of it back. "On second thought" Paige said, "Don't put it back now no one's going to want to touch it, it's got your germs all over it. That is so gross Brooke. You're going to have to take it now. You shouldn't have taken such a big helping in the first places" "Sorry" Brooke had said "Yeah well you should be" Paige said. "Paige!" Their mother said. "Back off! Chill the hell out" Nancy Meriwhether is one of those cool mom's who liked to act as both a mother and a friend a lot of times more like a friend. She has passed on the power of feeling Aura's to Brooke which may have been why they had such a good relationship. She is Brooke's mom but she is also Brooke's friend Nancy. Her much much much older friend that is. When the two of them went out in public people could have easily assumed they were just really good friends and not mother and daughter. Because Nancy is her friend Brooke has never referred to her as Mom, she has been calling her Nancy since she learned to talk her first word in fact was Nancy. The two of them are much like the characters Rory and Loralai Gilmore from the old Dramady Gilmore Girls which was a favorite of Brooke and Nancy's that they had watched every episode of together. Although Nancy was quite a bit older then Loralai and hadn't been a young mom when she had the twins. "Brooke that portion size is perfectly fine. Your sister's probably just on her period that's all"
"I am not" Paige protested hearing it even though Nancy spoke in a whisper. "FYI I'm taking birth control pills it's because I don't want to get heavy periods not because I'm having sex or anything when you're part of a big business coorporation you kind of don't have time for sex or your period for that matter" "Oh is that so?" Nancy asked in complete surprise. "Well than who pissed in your cheerios this morning? Why are you acting like such a bitch bitch?" She and Brooke both stiffled a laugh. They both know the real reason why Paige isn't having sex or doesn't have a boyfriend but they don't say a word. Paige hated it when the two of them ganged up on her which was something that happened quite commonly. Brooke was the favorite. That was clear as glass. Brooke was the most talkative when she was with Nancy. "God Mom Ga'row UP!" Paige cried out disgustedly.
With the tongs Brooke tried to grab hold the second turkey leg. Hank's younger brother Trent took dibs on the first Turkey leg pretty much the very instant he arrived at Nancy and Ben's house. "I Call dibs on the turkey leg" He called out as soon as he walked in the door. No hello or anything just "I call dibs on the turkey leg" "I don't think so Brooke" Paige said holding out her hand. "Why not?" Brooke asked. "White meat is just so much better for you" She said, "It's a known fact" "Oh okay you're probably right" Brooke agreed "Tch'yeah I'm right" Paige said. She then helped herself to the turkey leg and Brooke realized that she had been tricked again. Once again Paige had used her little white meat trick, the same white meat trick she has uses every time the family has company for Thanksgiving. Brooke was stuck with white meat once again and she hates white meat, it is dry and bland and to her tastes a bit like sandpaper, even with a lot of gravy which Brooke poured from the gravy boat.
"God Brooke that's too much" Paige said, "Do you not see that there's a ladle in front of you use that duh" Brooke totally missed the tiny silver ladle that was sitting next to the gravy boat. "Oops" She had said. There was nothing she could do about it then she just shrugged her shoulders and poured herself a glass of red wine. "Brooke didn't you like already have a beer before dinner?" Paige asks "Yeah" Brooke said "So?" "So? One or the other Brooke you already had your alcohol for today"
"Paige back off" Ben said. "Well she did have a beer I saw her" Paige said. "Relax it's the holidays" Nancy had said. Eventually Paige decided that she was really jet lagged and went upstairs to take a nap.
"Brooke you okay?" Trent asked her. "Yeah I'm fine why?" She asked, and she was Paige had been like that every Thanksgiving it was almost like a Thanksgiving tradition and was totally to be expected. "Because you're sister was brutal I know all about siblings being brutal to siblings" "Why" Brooke asked, "Hank used to boss you around" She seriously can't imagine Hank pushing anyone around that is one huge thing she and Hank have in common they are both major pushovers. Trent threw his head back and laughed. "Are you kidding?" He asked "I used to be brutal like that with Hank didn't I? I was the bully" "Yes Trent you were" Hank agrees, "I was down right mean! But after you put me in my place I respect you a lot more don't I big Bro?" Trent was of course a lot meaner then Paige. Paige meant well and couldn't help herself. Trent was as his good friend and co worker Leon pointed out, mean for no reason. "I'll help you with the dishes Mrs M" Trent offered, "See I'm just an all around nicer guy now" "Thank you so much Trent" Nancy said.
"You know you really don't have to take that from your sister kiddo" Ben said giving Brooke a generous pound on the back. "I know you got some fight in you" "It's okay" She said, "I'm used to it"
So basically it couldn't possibly be about Paige leaving. That would just be absurd, but maybe she started to wonder was it about Paige being bossy. The more she thought about it the more it depressed her but she realized that really couldn't be it either it was something that happened every year she'd never been depressed about it before. So it must not be it. She thinks to herself. She stares at the clock on the computer it is exactly midnight. She then thinks of something. Hank had just given her a sleeping pill. Shouldn't it be kicking in. She is angry
