Okay, I hope you like this, it's a darker story not with violence (at least not yet) but with more angst. I know I should finish the other story (ARB), BUT I needed to get this out of my system. So I wrote it down. I've written today non-stop for 6 hours getting this together and finishing BFE, though it's a bit lousy. The truth is that that story didn't inspire me in any way anymore but I didn't want to leave you hanging for the rest of our lives.
Yadda, yadda., this is not mine and sadly I'm not making any money of this etc etc
Thanks for reading :)
I had finally done it! I'm Stephanie Plum and I had just broken up with my on/off boyfriend Joe Morelli, this time for good. We had sat down on my old and beat up couch and we had talked through our issues like two adults, without raising our voices. We had come to the conclusion that what we had didn't work and that we should end both of our miseries and move on. Joe had admitted to me that he had been seeing Terry Gilman a while now, but he had only confirmed my suspicions. I had known about them for weeks now and I had already processed this information and had realized that I didn't care. Really, I didn't care, we hadn't had sex in weeks and I could see his excitement to go to work every morning. I suspected that I looked like that as well. I think we both knew that this story was over, both of us were just too afraid to take the leap out in the unknown. Joe wanted to know about me and Ranger. I told him the truth about my love for Ranger and that I believed that he might care for me as well. Joe encouraged me to talk to Ranger because he believed that Ranger loved me. I took his word for it and we parted as friends.
So that's why I'm standing in the elevator on my way to the seventh floor of Rangeman. I had stopped at fifth to see if he was in his office but had got the answer from Binkie that he was on a business trip and that he would direct him up as soon as he arrived. I didn't see any on the core team, and all the other faces were unknown for me. I said goodbye to Binkie and left to see my fate.
I used my key to enter his apartment and was immediately hit with the sweet aroma of him and his shower gel. I walked through the apartment; stopping to look at the new painting Ella had bought for him in an attempt to introduce colors into his life. I stopped in the kitchen to take a water bottle and I continued my way to the bathroom while I was playing with the cap. I made my way through his bedroom resisting the temptation on sitting on his bed and ruining the perfectly made sheets. I entered the bathroom and confirmed that I had forgotten my conditioner here. I picked it up and saw that it wasn't the only hair product bottle there. Mousses, gels and shampoos that weren't mine, and definitely not Rangers, were placed beside the mirror for easy access.
It felt like somebody was squeezing my lungs and heart together with an iron fist. He was seeing somebody else! I clutched my conditioner in my hand, forgetting the water bottle that had fell into the sink. I stumbled through to his walk in closet. His side was as neat as always but as I turned around I saw that my clothes had been thrown away and new clothes hung in their place. The clothes were expensive, Dior and Prada and McQueen and all in size 2. Definitely not for me then. I had a death grip on a beautiful blue gown as I heard the locks tumble and a shear woman's laughter ripped my heart into little, tiny fragments.
"Oh Carlos, that was so much fun!"
I rounded the corner and saw Ranger looking as gorgeous as ever and a tiny, blond supermodel on his arm. The woman was about as thick as one of my thighs. They both turned to me and glared at me as I stood motionlessly in the doorway to his bedroom still clutching my conditioner.
"I left my conditioner here last time" I said and held up the bottle for them to see. No reaction from either of them. Then the woman laughed and hugged Ranger tightly.
"Honey, who is this whore?" the woman asked Ranger with laughter in her voice as she eyed me up and down. Ranger looked at me with his blank face on and without missing a beat he answered her.
"I have no idea babe. She's probably some whore I picked up from Stark before I met you."
I died then and there. His ice cold voice and his expressionless eyes and face ripped me in half and the Stephanie he and everybody else knew disappeared. I looked in his eyes and said nothing as I walked towards him. His expression didn't change and I took a final look at his face and gave his keys to him. I rounded him and walked out of the door and left my old life behind me.
I locked my door and dragged my couch and dining room table against the door. I walked around the apartment and closed all curtains and closed my bedroom window. As soon as I was certain that nobody would get in or out I walked into the bathroom and turned the lights off and stepped into a hot bath, letting the warm water relax my muscles as I cried my heart out, making the bath water salty. I don't know how long I was there as minutes turned into hours. I let my mind go black and blank as I stared at the roof in my dark bathroom. How could I be so foolish? How could I believe that he cared about me, all those kisses and touches didn't mean anything at all? He was just fulfilling his needs and I was an idiot to believe that it was more than that. He was way out of my league, he was a millionaire and gorgeous and employed a small army of equally gorgeous men. I was just plain me, fat and incompetent in my work, needing his help every day and every evening when I was scared to go home. I was a burden on him, and I decided that moment that I wouldn't be anyone's burden anymore.
The water was cold. I noticed that I was shivering and slowly eased my aching body out of the water and turned the lights on. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a pale naked woman looking at me. Her curly hair was wet from her ears down and her skin was pale as snow up north. Her eyes were red and black mascara had left long stripes on her face. Her body was shaking; she didn't know if it was from tears or the cold, her hands clutched tightly her nails digging into her palm. She was standing in a pool of water, the polish worn out on her toe nails. It was bright red. I didn't recognize this woman; there was no spark in her eyes, no color on her cheeks. I turned my face away from the woman, taking a hairdryer and flinging it, breaking the mirror in millions of shards on the floor, the toilet and the bathtub. I watched the shards float on the water, wanting so badly to float with them. I turned around and closed the door behind me.
The feeling of emptiness was overpowering. I had to force my legs to move, I walked through the apartment, knowing that I should drink something. I opened the fridge not seeing anything. I opened the cupboard above it and reached for my tequila and poured some down my throat. It didn't take the edge off, so I drank some more. Suddenly there wasn't anything anymore in the bottle and I leaned against the counter. I saw the woman in the mirror in my hallway and enraged I threw the bottle, shattering the mirror there as well. Engulfed by rage I went on a mission, wobbling through the apartment shattering anything that reflected anything. Soon I found myself standing in the middle of my living room looking over the mess in the apartment. Every mirror was shattered, no matter how little it was, my picture frames were in pieces, the TV was broken, my stainless steel microwave oven was on the floor kicked into the corner. I was breathing heavily and stumbled into my bed with tears running down my cheeks.
I hadn't seen anyone since that night. I stayed at home, only laying in the tub, bed or couch. I didn't have the energy to eat, only nibbling on something when I really needed too; I drank only when I needed. I was still naked, weirdly enough it didn't bother me. Nothing bothered me anymore, I'd lost everything that mattered and there was nothing in this world that would move me anymore.
Lula came by every day. At first she tried to get in, threatening to shoot the door and call the cops but soon she realized that it wouldn't work. Now she only talked to me through the door, and weirdly I liked that. I sat on the floor covered with pieces of the mirror by the door, beside the table propped against the door. She talked about her life and what had happened during the day. She told me that everybody was worried. I really didn't believe that but I let her say it, not having the energy to argue. Lula's visits were helping me keep track of time, as I had busted almost all of my clocks. I sat down just as I heard her voice again.
"Hey skinny girl." If she only knew, I had probably lost more than 10 pounds.
"Hey." I said. My voice was rough because I hadn't talked since last night and then only a few words.
"How are you today?" Lula asked and I could hear the worry in her voice.
"I'm fine" I said and responded the way I had for the last few weeks. This was the way we had started these discussions every night.
"Yeah, right and I'm the tooth fairy"she responded and I could feel a small smile tug on my lips. I heard her grunt as she sat down on the floor. We were silent for a while, only enjoying the company of each other.
"I miss you white girl."
I sat silently not knowing what to say, this was the first time those words were uttered. I looked down at my toes and picked on some of my scars that I'd gotten from the glass on the floors.
"Why don't you let me help you? I owe you that much, you helped me when I dealt with Ramirez."
I remained silent. Lula had gone through so much then and I had helped her cope. Why was it so hard to move the couch to open the door and let her help me?
"Joe's worried." Lula continued. "He wants to come with me some night if that's alright with you." I didn't respond. Lula had told me a few nights ago that he and Terry were happy together and planning on getting married this June. I was happy for him, by losing my heart I had helped him mend his own.
"Please Stephanie, open the door." Lula said. "I need to see you, I need to help you. Please let me help you."
"Are you alone?" I whispered, not knowing if she heard me. I wanted to open the door and let her in but I was afraid that there was a crowd behind her, all wanting to laugh at my pathetic looks and whisk me to the hospital.
"Of course, girlfriend. Connie wanted to come but I told her not to come, same with Joe. I know that you don't want to see anybody else right now."
I stood up slowly, going dizzy from the moving. I gripped the table and dragged it back and then I pushed the couch so that I could open the door enough for Lula to squeeze herself in. I planned on pushing the couch back the moment the door closed again.
The moving of furniture was exhausting and I leaned against the door for a moment. The noise had alerted Lula and I heard that she groaned as she stood up, swearing on uncomfortable floors.
"I'm naked." I said matter of factly.
"I don't care." Lula said to me. I took a deep breath and opened the door a little and peeked out to see if she was telling the truth. The corridor was dimly lit and empty. Lula was standing in front of my door and I opened the door so that she could come in. She shimmied through the door and I closed it after her and pushed the couch in front of the door.
Lula had walked deeper into the apartment and I started to feel uncomfortable with being naked.
"Uhm, could you maybe wait in the kitchen, and I'll go get some clothes? " I asked her uncertainly and watched her smile at me and answer a "of course" as she stepped into the kitchen and I rushed to the bedroom and quickly searched for a t-shirt I could use. Rangers, Rangers, Joes… I gave up and pulled my robe on and walked back into the kitchen. Lula had sat down by the table and I sat right against her. I smiled a timid smile.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"There's glass on the floors" She said to me.
"I broke the mirrors." I answered and she smiled at me.
"You hungry?" She asked me and pulled a McDonalds bag from her huge bag and offered me a cheeseburger with Coke and fries.
I nibbled on the fries, enjoying the taste. I could feel my body craving the food, it was the first time in weeks that I'd felt something. Before I knew it I had finished my coke and fries but couldn't eat the burger. Lula ate it after she was finished with her meal of three burgers, large fries and coke.
She told me about a skip she went after and how she was able to capture him without having to take a shower afterwards. She told me about that she had found a beautiful bag at Macy's and it was a bargain at only 20 dollars. She told me that she and Tank had seen the new zombie movie and that Tank was move spooked than she was.
"How are you really?" she asked me after a moment of silence. She looked straight into my eyes and I knew that she saw the emptiness in there.
"I'm…. I'm getting there." I said to her knowing that now wasn't the time to lie.
"Care to talk about it? I promise I won't tell anyone." She took one of my hands into hers and I was shocked when I saw the contrast of our skin colors. Her hand was warm and I liked the feeling of warmth.
"I just realized the truth. " I said and looked at her. She seemed confused and I figured that I need to explain a little further. I started at the beginning, explaining my and Joe's breakup, moving on to Ranger and his new supermodel. "I was just Ranger's whore."
"He did not!" Lula said and looked very angry. "I can't believe that he said that, he's a stupid idiot!"
"But I love him." I whispered and a small tear escaped my eyes.
"Oh honey I know…" Lula whispered and handed me a tissue. "He's an asshole for not realizing what he has done. And a coward, he left the day after to Miami and nobody has seen him since. Tank said that he had some business to deal with there."
Somewhere deep inside me I cared about Ranger's trip but I couldn't really get past the fact that SHE was with him there. I'd lost my chance with him as I toyed with his heart as well as Joe's. What goes around comes around. Now neither of them was interested in me, both deciding that it was the time to move on and leave me behind. I should've decided a long time ago and not be such a coward.
"Lula, I need to move on. I need to let this behind me, I need to do something, I need to feel something!" I cried out and grasped her hands, holding on like she was my only chance of getting out of this black hole filled with quick sand.
"Don't worry girl, I'm here to help you. We're take small steps, we'll get through this I promise!" she said to me and stood up and hugged me. Her body engulfed me in warmth and I felt my heart relax a bit. Maybe this would help me. Maybe I could move on…
So whacha think? Leave me your thoughts and I'll be very happy :)
