-Gray: Between Black and White-

-By: DeathHeiress88-

Disclaimer: I own neither DGM nor the context about suicidal people used in this chapter. They belong to Katsura Hoshino-sensei and Shneidman respectively.

Warning: Suicides and such, along some mild shounen-ai…?


People who commit suicide feel helpless and hopeless.

He looked at the pills in his hands, suddenly they felt a lot heavier that he thought they would be. He looked at the moon, the orb helplessly shone down on him, as if urging him not to continue his plot. Nevertheless, still he did.

He's a hopeless idiot, after all.

For them, life is permeated by anguish and fear.

Not only was he angry with his 'family' but he's also frustrated at his own self. Of all the time, of all the chances, he never got the courage to proceed. Even when he was so close to complete oblivion…

Their aim is to resolve an intolerable dilemma through oblivion.

He glared at the pills on his palm, wanting them to act on their selves. He wanted them to end everything, to correct every fucking mistake he did. He wanted to correct his twisted life…

But…

He put the pills back into their bottle.

Their basic conflict then is between existence and obliteration.

He threw the battle away in anguish. He watched the glass fragments cascading down along the tiny white pills. Somehow, the pills seem to be shimmering, sinfully inviting him to a comfortable sleep.

He looked away and scrambled for his bed. He enclosed his body with the covers, as if the mere fabrics could protect him from whatever it was lurking inside his own head. But after a moment, he came out of his cocoon, sweating and suffocated.

His eyes automatically glued themselves to his floor, his carpet soiled by the glass pieces. He stared as the pills somehow managed to reflect the moon's light, wondering how something so beautiful could be so fatal…

Suddenly, he found his self on the ground, popping one pill after another in his mouth.

Their thought is colored by dichotomous thinking and distorted concepts of the world.

When the last pill was eaten, leaving only shattered glass fragments behind, that was the time Allen Walker's heart ceases its beating.


"Shounen!"

He ignored the worried yell his 'brother' gave. Instead, he quickly tried to step up onto the railings. But before he could complete his attempt, strong arms encircled him and pulled him down to safety. Then, his 'brother' found the grace to carry the unstable him back to their 'home'.

He gazed longingly at the railings but he snapped his head back when his carrier growled.

"You little brat! Why did you even think of doing that again—!"

At this, the boy couldn't help but laugh aloud. "Why are you so shaken up, Tyki? Considering our family's history, you yourself should have tried that at least once. And considering my history, it's not really worth the shock, right?"

Angry, cold orbs were the only reply he received. Though Tyki did seem hurt by what he said, he didn't care, the man spoiled his fun, after all.

When Tyki still didn't reply, he shrugged, "Are you waiting for an apology?" He asked innocently, using the facial expression the Portuguese couldn't resist. The silver-kicked-puppy-eyes.

The older man tightened his grip at the boy and continued glaring at him. The boy sighed at the railing behind them before turning back to Tyki.

He smirked.

"Allen…"

Oops. Allen Walker knew that tone. It had always meant something related with The Earl and losing control over the Ark.

"Okay, okay. I promise I wouldn't do that again."

LIAR.


"He always said it was a game."

Cross Marian took in the appearance of the Japanese teen in front of him. Hair undone, body sagging against the chair and almost talking to his self, he assessed the teen as someone on the brink of breaking down. He was no specialist but even a drunkard (though he really hates to use that term on his self) could understand what the Japanese was experiencing.

"He was just a child…yet he had this unusual destructive feeling inside. Like sadomasochism… it's as if he's happy being hurt…but happier to make others worry…"

The teen's voice was calm, but it also held emptiness. As if the true person inside went far away, and the one talking right now was just a recorded voice…

"And do you, as a professional and his friend, think he's happy doing that?"

Cross spoke quietly though it echoed inside the room.

The teen kept staring at his palms, specifically at the ring he was holding, for a long time. When the red hair was almost convinced that he had reach the conversation's end, the teen piped up.

"Do you know if the snow's happy? Dropping off the sky and just melting in the pavement?"

Cross followed the other's gaze, and saw the first drop of snow falling from the December sky. Raising one fine eyebrow, he answered, "If it's not happy then why does it do it?"

Without tearing his gaze away, the teen responded emotionlessly as if reciting something from a memorized poem.

"It's because Nature tells it to."

At that, Cross' eyes narrowed and the former Army General-turned-drunkard understood one thing.

The strong, unwavering and reliable Kanda Yu he knew was no more.


"Did you know that suicide is murder turned 180 degrees?"

Allen smirked as he heard the irritated voice of his 'counselor' once again. Though he really didn't knew why The Earl 'asked' someone like Kanda Yu to be his shrink when said boy was just nineteen and is just on his way to graduation, he was glad it was not some bearded old man or a four-eyed hag.

Kanda felt something being tugged inside him as Allen smirked. Nope, it's not the strings of adoration, more on the strings of patience and irritation. Though he knew, behaving like this is bad for a therapist, he just can't help but be irritated with the boy.

It's because Moyashi was just like a walking bomb. Without any trigger or any warnings, the boy would just try to kill his self, as if he was merely playing. That he cannot understand, and something he can't understand only leads to frustration and irritation.

He took two deep breaths and got a questioning Moyashi in return.

"Kanda, what are you doing? Are those breathing exercises? Do you have asthma?"

Another deep breath.

He got a poke in his chest this time.

"Nine deep cuts in the wrists that if not for Cat-Face would have drained you all of your blood, jumping off the roof that if not for Beauty-Mark would have broke all your bones including your spinal cord, a decent overdose with aspirins that if not for Turban-Head would have let you sleep your irritating white head off forever. All of those in two days and would have relieved me of my responsibility, namely: You."

Kanda stopped his sudden soliloquy for a deep breath before opening his eyes and staring at his 'patient'.

"Now tell me, of all those attempts, why did not even one succeeded?"

For a long moment, Allen just looked at him, astonished before smiling, falsely may Kanda add, "Wouldn't a normal therapist ask something along the lines 'Why did you do that' or 'Are you hurt'?"

"After a week, just a week, of being with you, do you think someone would even attempt at asking that?"

"Well, you do have a point."

Kanda scoffed and took out a long coat, dangling it in front of Allen's eyes, "And just now, you were attempting to do your self off with this, right?"

He found the teen trying to wrap the cloak around a chandelier (it was connected to his neck already, you see) but due to issues such as diminutive stature, Allen was unable to and was stopped by Kanda. Though he don't want to admit, Kanda did feel a bit of worry and probably fear when he saw the white cloak around the teen's collar.

Teen in question smiled gleefully (yet falsely, again) in answer to his earlier question.

"Yeah, you got that right, BaKanda!"

For once, the Japanese was very delighted he left Mugen in his room. Because if he had it at that moment, he would successfully finish what the younger teen was about to do.

But, very much later, Kanda learned that those times were the happy ones.


Cookies for those who can guess who was the three people Kanda mentioned in his soliloquy?

Well, I know the story's kind of dark and whatsoever but reading one certain Psychology book inspired me to write it. Though the reason why I'm reading a Psycho book when I should be reading American-Lit escaped me already.

Anyway, want a continuation?

I need a review then!

PLEASE REVIEW!