I stared out of the large window of my chamber to where the peach trees were in full bloom, their light pink petals scattered on the ground. A midday breeze rustled the flowers, a welcome wind that cooled the warmth of the surrounding air.
I was alone save for my wife, the beautiful Hanug Yue Ying. My health was failing me as I knew, but I clung to my life despite my lack of will to survive.
I had caused so many people to die….
Tears returned to my light brown eyes.
So many… More than I cared to count…. More than I could ever count…
As if sensing my anguish Yue Ying places a comforting hand on my shoulder. She had always had the ability to understand my emotions without needing words to be spoken. It is a skill that amazes most, even myself.
But even the knowledge she is there does not stop the warm tears from falling down my face unheeded. They were not tears for myself as those who saw would think. They were tears shed for those who had passed as a result of my own folly.
My mind begins to wander back…
I stare out at the previous battle field, Mt. Ding Jun. The sun was setting on yet another day. Many of the officers celebrated with drink, but I did not touch the stuff. I saw no need. It clouded the judgment, and my mind was already focused on your next goal, Han Zhong.
It was my plan that the people would see my Lord Liu Bei in relation with Liu Bang, and they would turn to him, and love him. But they had no need for one such as me. They did not care for those who sat and thought, but cared for those who would wield a blade for their cause. They see no correlation between the two. But it matters little.
I could hear the drunken swagger of my Lord Bei's remaining brother Zhang Fei from behind me. I paid him little attention and continued to ponder the strategies I would employ in the upcoming fight.
He stops and takes a swig of his wine trough. "So hey!" He calls. "How's the planning and strategizing and all that coming?" I could hear the effects of his excessive drinking evident in his slightly slurred speech.
"Fine." I reply coldly. "The only enemy that remains for us now is Cao Cao." I turn my eyes to the soaring mountains in the distance. "We need only to cross these peeks and we…"
I was violently cut off by the drunken man grabbing me by the front of my tunic and holding me, easily, a foot off of the ground.
"I can't stand you." He snarls darkly. "You're cold as ice aren't you?! You don't care about real people at all do you?!" His voice cracks as he continued. "It was thanks to you… that brother Yu was killed!" Zhang Fei releases me and staggers forward, his face splotchy with rage and sorrow. Tears start to form in his misty eyes. He falls to the ground and sits there, staring off, but unseeing. "I know it's not your fault, people die in war… But do you have to be so cold and calculating just to take this stupid land?!"
I fixed my tunic slightly, my composure completely intact. "I believe our lord will serve all of the land, I will do whatever is asked of me." I faced him. "You must also do your part, with your great strength…"
He was on his feet in an instant, his fist in my face. "I don't need anyone to tell me that!" He growled. "Listen, we are going to take this land, and nobody's going to give up this fight." He pushed passed me. "And you better not screw this up."
I ignored the underlying threat in his words and I resumed my seemingly unseeing gaze to the distance. "I believe our lord will rule this land."
I did not know whether or not he heard me, but I can remember the cold rage that I suppressed. It was not my fault, although I knew it was, why did he blame me? I had not told him to attack He Fei without support.
It mattered little.
But there was still the undeniable sorrow in the back of my heart. I pushed it away as though it had never existed.
I placed my hand on my wife's as the scene in my mind changed.
It was after the battle of Wu Zhang plains.
Zhang Fei had been betrayed by one of his own men and assassinated. It mattered little to me. But our lord was hit hard by his passing, though, for all he knew his brother died on the field of battle. Perhaps it was better that way.
The battle had been won, despite my failing health. I could do little more than stand there as the men celebrated.
My whole being was failing me.
Vaguely I could hear Lord Bei calling out to me, congratulating me on our victory, when my legs could take no more.
I collapsed as I turned to face him. Liu Bei caught me in his arms as one would a child. He shook slightly; this undoubtedly took him by surprise.
My strength was ebbing away.
"Forgive me… for what I've done… Master Guan Yu… Master Pang Tong… please… forgive me…" The tears welled and overflowed from my dimming chocolate eyes. They had died… because of me!
I knew I had no control over Guan Yu's decision to attack He Fei without support. As I had no control over the ambush that felled Pang Tong.
But I SHOUD have foreseen it!
Liu Bei shook his head. "Stay!" He ordered. "You can't leave, you can't go and die on me like this!" He cried. "True, I have no more use for your strategies, but you must live in this land that you helped to create!" His voice was strangled as she shook his head more vigorously. I could feel his body tremble violently. I knew of his losses.
My eyes widened. Despite my cold callousness… he still cared? Why did he not blame me!? He had every right to do so!
"My lord…" My fan fell from my hand to the ground as I slipped into darkness.
I did not know how, but I survived. Perhaps my time was not then.
But even as I sat there, a clean white linen cloth covering my legs, I knew my time was limited. I would not last much longer.
I turn my gaze to my beautiful wife. Her radiance outshines even the sun and the moon. "My wife… Yue Ying…" A smiled pulls at my lips. "I love you."
She returns my smile. "As I you, my husband." A lone tear streaks down her porcelain cheek. She knows as well as I do how long I have.
I almost lost her to my greatest enemy once, but she was the most loyal woman I'd ever met. She was wise, intelligent, beautiful beyond words, and always there for me. And she would be until the end.
My vision began to dim, thought the light in the room grew immensely. It was so bright I would have averted my gaze if I had not been dazzled at what I saw.
They were all there.
All of our fallen comrades. Guan Yu, Pang Tong, Guan Ping, Ma Chao, Huang Zhong, Zhang Fei, and so many more.
I could almost no longer see past the tears that continued to flow. They had all come… Come to take me with them.
They extended their arms as if to pull me from my bed, they too were smiling at me. I felt my spirit grow lighter and rise from by body, falling into their embrace.
I would join them… forever.
